just for today...

Surrender...

2010-04-04T00:21:00.001-06:00

It's been a minute since I posted anything on this blog...but in case you're wondering...yeah, I am still clean and sober! I am coming up on four years, and more than ever I am realizing that it is all about surrender...my life is so much better when I don't try and fight reality...life on life's terms...better to go with the flow of things...

Turns out, I have to have some serious surgeries...don't worry though...I have ceased fighting everything...life is good...even in the midst of pain...there is joy...so you kiddies be good now...and think some good thoughts for me...and I will try and update this blog on a more regular basis...

Just for Today...

much love, Star...

Happy Holidays...

2009-12-21T23:45:00.003-06:00

It's been a while since I blogged here, but I wanted to touch base and just say that staying sober is a lot of work, and it is especially hard during the holidays.

Seems like everyone is having parties, and everyone is drinking. It is easy to be fooled and start romancing the idea of drinking again.

However, if you are as seriously an alcoholic as I am, and are honest, then it becomes very clear that it is not a wise option. I might not have gotten drunk every time I drank, but I never knew when alcohol would ignite something within my chemical make-up, and cause me to act irresponsibly, where I could neither stop drinking once I begin, nor could I control my behavior after that craving took over and I continued to drink past the point of return...

I have been hanging out with family and friends, and that has made it easier. My son almost has two years as well now, and many of my close friends are in recovery. Today it is still real simple for me, not easy sometimes, but real simple. If I don't pick up I won't get drunk.

I hope everyone stays safe this holiday weekend...may you all be filled with your own joy...

always, Star...

Wonder~Filled Magic...

2009-12-21T23:41:00.000-06:00

What is this wonder~filled magic...

That transforms our sorrow to joy...

Like a rainbow that opens its ribbon of sky...

Lets awareness peek in...flies passion so high...

Lifts all the blue...reveals color instead...

Raising our energy...when it is near dead...

Turns tears to laughter...frowning to smiles...

Allowing for bliss...wearing beauty awhile...

Tapping into this magical flow...

Nothing is held...and nothing’s let go...

Yet Joy of Being is dancing in rain...

Amidst all the sorrow...amidst all the pain...

Being opens space, for energy that’s free...

Dancing in time...knowing can breathe...

Wonder~filled magic...born on gratitudes wing...

Opening space in mind...for times heart to sing...

Accepting this magic...this knowing as real...

Opens experience, joy of being...to feel...

A shifting of mind...

Brings an opening of heart...

Where joy can create...

Nourishing all parts...

So grateful for wonder~filled magic...

That transforms our sorrow to joy...

Lets awareness peek in...flies passion so high...

Like a rainbow that opens its ribbon of sky...

Starlight Dancing...

More Will Be Revealed...

2009-08-09T16:27:00.003-06:00

In time we have to say goodbye

And leave the past behind...

Move into the future

Where the past cannot still bind...

As you deal with 'Once Upon A Time'

Your psyche it will heal...

You'll need to pay attention

To the magic life reveals...

Don't stay in cages of yesterday...

Recovery wont stand still...

There's lots of beauty, lots of growing,

Time's yet to reveal...

If you get stuck in the sickness...

It is probable you wont get well...

Remember it takes a new pair of glasses

To distinguish heaven from hell...

Learn to live the moment...

Peace and freedom is there...

And happiness is yours to live...

By climbing your life stairs...

Dance along this journey...

Filled with joy you can be healed...

Gratitude for a second chance...

More will be revealed...

Starlightjustfortoday...

choices...

2009-08-09T02:11:00.003-06:00

Seems like it has been forever since I blogged here...and lately, this choice thing keeps coming up. When I was using, I didn't have any choice but to keep on using. Something to do with that mental obsession and phenomena of physical craving that always happened once the drug, whatever drug it happened to be at the time, entered my system.

Today, I have a choice to drink or not drink. At least that is how I understand it...but is even that choice, only by grace? I suppose I could get hit over the head or get stuck on stupid at anytime and go back to my old ways of thinking and behaving, but not today...lol...there are those that claim that the 'God' of their understanding keeps them sober, and still others that claim that 'not picking up' keeps them sober...who is right? Maybe there is truth in both.

Of course there are those that claim we don't have any choices and that we are just puppets of our own conditioning...whether that be the conditioning that led us into addiction in the first place, or the recovery conditioning that we use to stay sober...

If I say it is God that keeps me sober, then it seems to me that that relieves me of any responsibility for my own recovery, and we KNOW that is not accurate. If I were to go back out, believe you me the blame would be on me not God and not the devil...so, if I don't go back out, is that not saying something about the healthy choices I have learned to make? Bottom line might be grace...but I have to walk in that grace and make decisions and act on those decisions accordingly.

Another thing I question is that if it is only this power greater than my self that keeps me sober, then why was I chosen and not so many others that have not been chosen or that have already died? Is this power a respector of persons? I don't think I will ever have the answer to that. It is a mystery.

Regardless, I am sober to day and very grateful that I am...I do believe it is by grace, but not by some God that sits in judgment on some throne in someplace up in the sky called heaven. The God of my understanding is awareness...and that too is a choice...or is it? Am I a puppet to the God of Awareness? LOL...well, it's working for me, so if it aint broke, don't try to fix it!

And having said that, if any other way works, wonderful!

Starlightjustfortoday...

Being honest with ourselves...

2009-06-22T04:08:00.003-06:00

Sometimes it is so difficult to be honest with ourselves. We do not see ourselves as others see us, and it is painful to admit to being mentally, emotionally, and spiritually ill. It seems we fight it at every turn. It is in working with others that I find out the most about myself, and while I may be recovered from this seemingly hopeless state of body, mind, and spirit, and have regained a sense of emotional stability and sobriety, I am still learning how to live life on its own terms, and sometimes it is very difficult to accept the realities of this dis-ease and the suffering and distruction it continues to cause, many times in the lives of those I love and I am trying to help. I am learning to have a deeper compassion for others that are unable to be honest with themselves, and gratitude for my own recovery, and an ever emerging willingness to be of service to others in any way that I can. With this however, I must also adopt a degree of detachment. Balancing compassion with emotional stability is something I am learning to do. Realizing how powerless I continue to be over people, places, and things is sobering in its own right. The only thing I can change is me.

always, star...

Journey of Recovery...three years sober today!

2009-05-07T21:07:00.001-06:00

If someone had told me three years ago when those iron doors slammed shut with me trapped on the other side how wonder-filled my life would be today...I never would have believed them, nor would I have been able to understand even a fraction of the joy of Being that I now am filled with on a regular basis...

I was irritable, restless, and discontent, and I used people, places, and things to make me ‘feel’ better, or usually just to obliterate any feelings what-so-ever. I ran from every one and everything, unless of course you had what I needed, or was what I needed...If you were a drug or a drink or an avenue to get them, you were my lover and my best friend...if you were standing in the way of what I wanted, I had no use for you and you were history...just like that...

I was not one of those kinds of people that threw their hands up and surrendered, and became willing to do things differently. I loved doing things my way...still do...LOL...I loved getting high. I loved to drink. I loved the feeling of elation that it gave. I loved the fact that my back and neck injuries did not bother me as much when I was using, and I felt on top of the world. I could do everything that I was ‘suppose’ to do when I was under the influence. I could play with my children, make love to my man, make time for my extended families and friends, create my music and art, dance, sing, cook and clean, interact with others...alcohol and drugs enabled me to live and lead a ‘normal’ life...until they stopped working...I was super-woman...until I fell from the sky and life shattered me into a zillion pieces...

When those doors slammed shut, I think I knew the gig was up. The first few days were awful, as you might imagine. Not only was I withdrawing from a lot of drugs, most of them legal perscriptions, but reality was also beginning to sink in...my family had turned their backs on me...I had no one to turn to anymore. No one was coming to rescue me. I had burned all of my bridges and my magic carpet had been pulled out from beneath me...I finally had to get honest with me and look at myself...I had finally run out of places to run...there was nowhere to hide anymore, and nothing left to hide behind...I had lost everything, and I do mean EVERYTHING...and everyone had forsaken me...there was nothing left for me to do except...surrender...

This was the beginning of freedom...this was the beginning of joy...this was the beginning of happiness...I need not look or search any further for heaven or Utopia...I have it right here on earth...my journey is one that continues to amaze me...my experience deepens with beauty and awe and wonder as I continue to open myself to this ‘spiritual way of Being’...

I am filled with such gratitude today...I am surrounded by people who REALLY love me...all my relationships with family members have been healed, and I have new relationships that are blossoming into healthy and happy friendships...I am constantly amazed at how wonder-filled my life continues to be...even in the face of difficulty...I have what I was always looking for in other people, places, and things...in all my searching, I found Jesus’ Kingdom of Heaven within me and all around me...and I am truly blessed with the peace that passes all understanding...and even Buddha’s bliss...the steps along this journey of recovery have been a path to freedom for me that began with surrender, willingness and honesty...and I am filled with appreciation for all that went before me...sharing their experience, strength, and hope...so that I can now experience this wonder-filled life...I have been given a design for living...a second chance...my feet were put upon a path that really goes somewhere...and I am so jazzed about sobriety and all that has been given me because of it...I have recovered from a seemingly hopeless state of body, mind, and spirit...my life rocks!

much love and joy to all...always, star...

For Daniel...

2009-04-13T21:35:00.000-06:00

dear one you are so very thin...

trying to crawl out of your skin...

in your eyes such pain i see...

tears are falling...misery...

i knew you when you were a boy...

drugs already made you their toy...

you say you’re ready to be free...

you want what you can see in me...

you’re overwhelmed and filled with fear...

stay close dear one...keep yourself near...

if you want to really live...

and have something that you can give...

otherwise you’re gonna die...

the next time might be your last high...

you have a wife; three precious kids...

you know this is no way to live...

the past is past...let that shit go...

there’s something better you can sow...

the seeds of change...the seeds of now...

there is a way...i’ll show you how...

sharing experience, strength, and hope...

helps us live...helps us cope...

life on life’s terms without a drink...

promise of happy, joyous, and free...

a psychic change is what you need...

a power greater than your ‘self’ indeed...

go ahead...drop to your knees...

and live and face reality...

you are responsible...gotta grow up...

you know i love you...dude whudup?

we’ve been around this block before...

you made a choice...you wanted more...

you say you’ve finally had enough...

i’m still here...so is my love...

i’m grateful that you made it back...

now get serious and stay on track...

you know what it is you have to do...

work the steps...and just don’t use...

a design for living...a path to free...

given for drunks like you and me...

if you want this way of life, surrender your ‘self’...

start with the 1st step and follow to 12...

you can recover...you really can change...

you can go from crazy to sane...

it’s really always up to you...

and what you’re willing now to do...

i love you Daniel...just like a son...

begin right now...journey begun...

StarLight Dancing...

choose the tao...

2008-10-27T15:36:00.002-06:00

i cannot rescue you...you must learn how to spread your wings...
to fly free from your cage...just listen to your heart it sings...
your cage is just illusion...the sky is there for you to fly...
see through all confusion...there is no other better high...
the universe unfolds...you choose the path you're on...
you can choose another way...whether to or not to play...
all within this moment now...you can choose the tao...
there is a world beyond your world...this moment you can find...
peace and bliss within your being...leave suffering behind...
within your darkest moment...you can breath the awe you are...
open up your soul to light...and dance on every star...
the universe unfolds...you choose the path you're on...
you can choose another way...whether to or not to play...
all within this moment now...you can choose the tao...
melt into this moment...melt into just what you are...
in a house or in a field...the mountain top's not far...
freedom is within you...that's where happiness is found...
the truth of what you are...never caged or bound...
the universe unfolds...you choose the path you're on...
you can choose another way...whether to or not to play...
all within this moment now...you can choose the tao...
you only have this moment...feel just what you are within...
fly free in the open sky...each moment life begin...
untangle all attachments...your spirit it was meant to soar...
spread your wings and fly with me...your heart's an open door...
universe unfolds...you choose the path you're on...
you can choose another way...whether to or not to play...
all within this moment now...you can choose the tao...
StarLight Dancing...

fear...

2008-10-22T20:30:00.009-06:00

after you have finished writing down your resentments, the reason for them and what they actually affect in you...you need to make a list of everything you fear...in detail...

when we get together on Friday we will spend most the day discussing and looking at all of this in depth...

re-read these links...

http://starlightjustfortoday.blogspot.com/2008/10/resentments.html

http://www.blogger.com/post-edit.g?blogID=6671617987993654035&postID=3649858609783035659

http://starlightjustfortoday.blogspot.com/2008/10/trapped-by-habitual-unhealthy-ideas.html

http://starlightjustfortoday.blogspot.com/2008/10/what-i-did-this-to-myself-huh.html

http://starlightjustfortoday.blogspot.com/2008/10/attachmentscause-of-suffering.html

be filled with your own inner joy...

starlightjustfortoday...

three columns...

2008-10-21T21:14:00.007-06:00

how do we begin reconstructing our past in a workable form of the fourth step?

after identifying the objects of our resentments, distinguishing them into who's and whats and writing them down on paper...(first column), we then put why we are angry or resentful towards these who's and whats...detailing what exactly they did to us that we are angry or hurt or resentful about...(second column), and then we target what that actually affects in us...(third column). for the third column, the big book gives us several options to list...self-esteem, pocketbooks, our ambitions, our personal relationships (including sex) were hurt or threatened, and if you will notice in the example, the word fear is bracketed and used in every instance...

you have to do this with your resentment list...before we get together...there is no need for us to get together until you do this...actually putting it down on paper...this is the work you have to do...so, get to work on this...don't put it off...

remember i told you that the fourth step was done in sections...we need to get past this section before we can move on...

go to a meeting today...find a home group...remember, this is a program of action and more action...

stay out of your head and in recovery...stay out of the past and future...and in this moment...(except of course when you are actively writing down this step...lol).

starlightjustfortoday...

attachments...cause of suffering...

2008-10-20T17:01:00.003-06:00

the tape we play over and over in our heads of past occurrences...and our attachment to them...continues to cause us to suffer...the main purpose of the fourth step, is to honestly look at these attachments, and see them for what they are...by doing this, we can let them go, and move on...learning to live in the ever present moment of NOW...

reliving the memory of our painful past, only increases our suffering...replaying these memories, replay the pain, and until we look at them realistically and logically, they will continue to hold pain...and we will continue to habitually feel the pain of our memories...trapped in the illusory cycle of attachments...until we are able to look at these resentments that continue to keep us sick...and see them for what they are...we will not be able to know freedom...

when we break free of our habitual past...then we can know the true joy of living in the ever presence of NOW...this does not mean that life will not continue to bring challenges...life is life...but in honestly looking at it, we learn to live life on life's terms...realistically...our attitude towards life becomes a healthy one...it does not mean that we will not know sadness...it means that we will learn how to experience sadness in a healthy way...and we will not store it in our psyche, or in our bodies...and continue to relive it over and over again...

it also enables us to enjoy the moment...to the fullest...as we know that this life is transitory...things can change in the blink of an eye...as humans, it is normal for us to feel sadness...but in recovery, we learn to feel it, and then let it go...we learn to not hold on to pain...we learn how to live life freely and joyfully...tragic things happen all around us...and sometimes tragic things happen to our loved ones, or to us...but in recovery we learn to look at these things realistically...and instead of going into a deep depression or going on a using binge, we learn to feel to heal and keep it real...we learn how to experience life on life's terms...and we learn to make healthy decisions that prevent suffering in the first place...and so, when something does happen in our lives that causes pain, we can deal with it logically and realistically...pain and suffering are not the same...we must always feel pain, so that it will not become a habitual pattern of suffering...

we learn to distinguish the true from the false...we learn to experience each moment of our lives as it is...and we don't get stuck in suffering...we learn how to move through it...and simultaneously still experience the joy of living...even in the midst of difficult times...

when life brings us something that we cannot control...we learn to turn it over...we face life on it's own terms and we continue to pray for the willingness to exert our efforts towards courage to change what we are able to change...and our living experience of the now reveals itself as wisdom...

remember, the only thing we are usually able to change is our own perceptions...our own thinking...and our own actions...we must own our feelings...and move through them...and sometimes all we can do, is not use...and know...that this too shall pass...pain is the touchstone of spiritual growth...you are on a journey...you are learning to live a new way...a way that works...

read the promises...

much love and joy...always, star...

starlightjustfortoday...

universe is unfolding without my help...

2008-10-19T14:52:00.004-06:00

my responsibility is to pay attention...

if you hang around recovery long enough, you begin to hear people talk about how this or that happened in their life and brought up this or that from the past...iow...the universe unfolded and brought exactly what we needed to look at...and it will continue to do just that...

until we begin looking beneath the surface of life's preoccupations, and get in tune with the moment of now, it is almost like the same things continue to happen, and usually, we continue to react the same ways...we have to learn how to respond differently in our living situations before change can take place...we have to learn how to use our brains, think for ourselves, and actually question the things that continually are being brought to our attention...

this is why feelings are so important...we can try to deny our feelings, but it is not healthy, and the longer we stuff them, and continue not to look honestly at them, the sicker we become...it is dishonest not to own how we feel...and it is illogical not to investigate the why of it...for when we begin to honestly explore the why of how we feel and react, it is there that we are able to face ourselves; it is there that this rigorous self-honesty opens us up to so many life changing possibilities...

the fourth step helps us to begin this process...we look honestly at our resentments...we list the people, places, and things that we have resentments towards, then we give the below the surface reason for why we feel this way...

one of my big resentments was religion...i saw it as controlling and hypocritical...i blamed them for spoon-feeding me guilt...and teaching me a whole array of delusional beliefs that caused misery and grief in my life...and prevented me from being free...

when i look honestly at this, i can see that it affected my self-esteem...it made me feel trapped in a system of perfection that i could not live up to no matter how hard i tried...i felt that it was designed to control my very spirit...and i was angry...

when i look rationally at this...i see that there are many people that do not feel the way that i felt...many people seem to live healthy and happy lives within all of these religious systems...and many of them do not develop deep emotional problems, begin to drink and drug, and become irresponsible criminals, as i did...most of them have respectable jobs, they pay their bills, and they take care of their families, and they are responsible members of their communities and their societies...so, it became impossible for me to judge this system in the limited context of how it affected me...and although, i have come to know many who have had similar experiences, this does not seem to be the norm...

i also had to admit, that there were many good things that came out of my experience with religion...was i going to throw all that out with what did not work for me? i had to finally admit that maybe it was my warped perception of things...now that does not mean that i have to agree with everything these religions teach, b/c i don't...but what that means is that i have to take responsibility for my own feelings and my own beliefs...and of course my own actions...i can no more blame the church for my behavior then i can blame anyone else...

i also had to admit, that most of the people involved in this, did not mean me harm...their intentions were good, even if it missed the mark with me...they were trying to teach me to be a responsible member of society...but since i was of the type to go to extremes, i could never find a happy medium within the religious organizations...but today, i realize that just b/c i could not, that does not mean that they are all bad...

so, this had affected my self-esteem, and when i could not be perfect...i rebelled, and thought that they had hurt me, and made me feel the way i felt...i never felt like i really fit in...and so, i began using...and doing the very things that i at one time hated...

when i really look at the bigger picture of things, i am able to see that regardless of what anyone taught me to believe, i am an adult now, and it is up to me to question these things for myself, and investigate whether they are true or not, and make a decision based on this information...no one can force me to believe anything...it is my responsibility...and this is the gift of recovery...and even though i may disagree with what religious organizations teach...they have that right...just as i have the right not to agree with them...I LOVE FREEDOM OF SPEECH AND BELIEF IN AMERICA!!!!!!!

the fourth step has helped me really look beneath the surface of my feelings and beliefs...to question everything...honestly...and it always brings me back to self-responsibility...making healthy decisions based on the information that...the universe unfolds...if i just pay attention...

feel to heal...and keep it real...just don't get trapped in these feelings...own them, and move on...

stay out of your head and in the moment...this is where life is...this is where recovery is...

much love and joy...

starlightjustfortoday...

what? i did this to myself? huh?

2008-10-17T09:02:00.008-06:00

like a little child that wanders out into the street not knowing the dangers there...that is how we start off...then it becomes a matter of us not paying attention to the dangers...or ignoring them...b/c out in the middle of the street is what we want...some shiny thing, or something that we think is going to make us happy...and so, we blind ourselves to any consequences, and become obsessed with getting the shiny thing...no matter what the dangers...we are invincible...or so we delusionally think...and over and over again we risk everything to get the shiny thing that we delusionally think will make everything alright...

trunuf...i had physical injuries that needed to be addressed...but looking back, i never took the advice of my doctors and physical therapist...oh i pretended to for a time...to get the shiny thing...which in my case, at that time, was the narcotics....give me, give me, give me, and give me some more...ONE WAS ALWAYS TO MANY; A THOUSAND WAS NEVER ENOUGH...and so, my injuries never healed...and then when i took the pills, well they made me feel normal, and i thought i could do anything, talk about a clean house...LOL...i was superwoman, or so i thought, and so, not only did i not do what was necessary to heal what injuries i had, i compounded the problem by adding stress to the injuries and in fact made them worse! i needed more shiny things...LOL

now this is a physical problem i am speaking of, that becomes also an emotional and mental problem...but you can take any problem and follow it to this end...

when i met jo online several years ago...i was convinced that he was my prince charming...he was going to save me from myself, and if i could just move away from here, go be with him, everything was going to be alright...he was my shiny thing...(pills and alcohol and yes, illegal drugs had stopped working)...i refused to see the warning signs, and looking back, there were many...but i ignored them...i was convinced that he was my soul-mate, my one true love...and i proceeded to go out into the middle of the FREEWAY and play in traffic...i was running away from myself...escaping my own reality any way that i could...and i had to eventually take responsibility for that and stop blaming the cars on the freeway...afterall, the cars are just doing what they are suppose to be doing right?

we can take the metaphor a little further...it doesn't mean i can never cross the street...it just means that i must learn how to cross the street...where to cross the street...to look both ways before crossing...etc...I HAD TO LEARN HOW TO MAKE HEALTHY DECISIONS...IN ALL ASPECTS OF MY LIFE...(i am still learning)...

WHEN WE KNOW BETTER...WE CAN DO BETTER...ALL IT TAKES IS THE WILLINGNESS TO BE HONEST AND THE COURAGE TO DO SOMETHING DIFFERENT...

of course, the first one was to stop using...then to get honest with myself, and clean house...taking all my garbage out and disposing of it properly...and looking at what could and could not be recycled...that is basically what we are doing with this fourth step...taking inventory of ourselves...but when we begin to really see how everything we have done has led us to here...then we begin to actually be able to make healthy choices intuitively...by doing what is in front of us to do...with my higher power within, which i choose to call awareness, and my self-will out of the way, i do what the universe unfolds and puts in front of me to do...right now, it is lots and lots of stretching...LOL...i have ignored my physical health for so long, that now it is requiring a lot of attention...but that is ok...it is what it is...and i am already reaping benefits...i am breathing much better...and that is way cool! and my body is moving better, and it feels good...even breathing and moving through the pain feels good...cause i am moving and breathing THROUGH it...

anyways, the program of recovery is not about blame...blaming others or blaming ourselves...it is about taking responsibility and moving forward...whether or not i caused everything to go wrong in my life or not is not the point...whether or not there were cars out there that hit me on purpose or not is not the point...to use the metaphor again...the point is that today, i know better than to go and play in traffic...now that does not mean that a car might now jump the curb and hit me...LIFE HAPPENS...WE CANNOT CONTROL THAT...but when life does happen, if we are thinking realistically and logically, we have a great chance of making healthy decisions that do affect the outcome...for the better...

what am i saying? IF I AM NOT THE PROBLEM, THERE IS NO SOLUTION...

all these resentments you have written down and are looking at...are to bring you to the point of where you can look at them and honestly see that no matter what any one else seemingly did or did not do to you...to move forward...you must take responsibility for your feelings, your thoughts, your beliefs, and your actions...you must continue to look honestly at them...accept what you cannot change...and be willing to have the courage to change what you can...sometimes, it is just acquiring a new pair of glasses...iow...changing our thinking, letting go of our old ideas, opening up to new perspectives...lol...but it also always, always, requires action and more action...and sometimes that action is...EASY DOES IT!

look at your part in these resentments...how was it that you actually allowed things to happen that happened? ask yourself why you allowed it...look at why you were in that particular situation in the first place...MOST OF THE TIME, WE WALK RIGHT INTO OUR LIVES...AND WE CAN WALK RIGHT OUT...AND CHOOSE TO WALK ANOTHER WAY...but sometimes we are just there...and life happens...AND WE MUST WALK THROUGH LIFE AS IT HAPPENS...SOMETIMES WE HAVE TO FACE TROUBLES HEAD ON...BUT MOST TIMES...WHEN TROUBLE COMES ALONG...WE GET THE HELL OUT OF THE WAY AND LET IT PASS! LOL

every choice we make brings consequences...including the choices we don't make...the friends we chose, choosing to go eat dinner with our mom, what we chose to eat might make us sick that day, being around our mom might make us nutty lol...we have to begin paying attention to the universe as it unfolds...especially our bodies...b/c, we have neglected them for so long, they need our attention...and there is much that is available for us today...many times it just means...PHYSICIAN...HEAL THYSELF...to do that, we go within and tap into that power that is greater than our own self-will-run-riot...and do what is in front of us to do...i gotta go do some more stretches and breathing right now...lol...be filled with your own inner joy...always, star...

starlightjustfortoday....

trapped by habitual unhealthy ideas...

2008-10-15T21:30:00.003-06:00

i spent most of my life blaming my mother for everything that was wrong in my life...if she had done this, or not done that...then i would have been just fine...

it wasn't until i became familiar with the program of recovery, that i began to see, that i was responsible for my own feelings and beliefs and actions, regardless of how i had been raised, or what my mom did or did not do...i was an adult now...and i needed to grow up...

when i looked into my life deeper with honesty, i began to realize how sick my mom had been as well...and what she had gone through growing up, made me realize too, that she had really done the best she could, and for the most part had tried very hard to raise me with a good moral system, so that i could grow up and be responsible...but b/c she had such a difficult life herself, she also tried to shelter me from the reality of the world...b/c she loved me and did not want my life to be as difficult as her own had been...

in the time my mother was raising me, guilt and control was the food of the day...religion was used to make people conform to society...and my mom's search for spiritual truths, soon became my own...my mom also, being the perfectionist that she is, expected perfection from me, and so i adopted this philosophy of thinking that i actually could be perfect...and i tortured myself with guilt all my life...and then there was the guilt i had of not ever living up to that perfection...

and so, it is not surprising that all my life i felt as if i was performing...and i never knew who i was, b/c i was always trying to be someone else...mix that with all the accidents i had, and sexual abuse, emotional abuse...and you have the makings of an alcoholic/addict...

when i was not escaping through spiritual realms, i found solace in my drink and drugs...i never learned to accept reality...never knew how to live life on life's terms...and so, i was self-will-run-riot...the rebel that i was...and ended up having to bash my head into the same brick wall over and over...until life unfolded and i was stopped dead in my tracks...

it was the best thing that could have happened...i finally had to look at me...and continue to have to do so every single day...

i love recovery...i love my life now...i love being free in this moment and able to look myself in the mirror...and know that i am responsible for me...this program of recovery has helped me to allow other's to be what and who they are...when i apply these principles in all of my affairs, i am filled with serenity...it is only when i get in the way that i have problems...but recovery is a journey...when i see other's through these new glasses...i see that each of us is on our own path...and i am humbled by life and this amazing power of the universe that lives within us all...

and so, i accept that shit happens, and i also accept that yes i made unhealthy decisions...but i also have to accept that everything that happened, brought me to today...and i like today...i love being sober and being responsible...i love this awareness and this awesomeness of life...and i can promise that you will too...

keep doing your work...look at your part...you will begin to see where every decision you made weaved your life...and although you might have been doing the best you could...you will begin to see where today, you can do better...much love and joy...*

starlightjustfortoday...

unpacking pain and the fourth step further...

2008-10-14T19:10:00.005-06:00

whether it is emotional or physical pain...pain is what we must look at before we can go beyond it...when we allow someone or something to control us...we are not taking responsibility for ourselves...

while we still have someone or something to blame for our feelings, beliefs, and actions...we are not being honest with ourselves...growing up is taking responsibility for our own feelings, beliefs, and actions...

most of our misery is manufactured...meaning, we allow other's to hurt us...then we get angry and strike back...or we get depressed and withdraw...and this unhealthy cycle of reacting to circumstances becomes habitual...and until we realize this, we are enslaved by the very process that we have come to know as our life...

when we begin to honestly look at our own actions...we begin to see that we did many things that were unhealthy...we can always look around and find other's that are better or worse...but that is just a matter of perception and judgment...in reality...we are all doing the best we can...until we know to do better...those that do not get better, do not have the ability to get honest with themselves...but for the grace of god...there i go...another way of looking at that, is but for this awareness...there i go...

looking at the actions of other's in our life that seemingly did harm to us, opens up our understanding of why people act the way they do...looking at ourselves and our own actions, as they relate to harming others...enables us to understand that we are no different than others...except, we have found a way out of the trap...

when we are able to look at others with compassion, then we can look at ourselves with that same compassion...and realize that everything that happened brought us to today...and in today...we can have freedom through this realization...

and so, sure, life happens, people get hurt...but mostly, we hurt ourselves, and allow other's to hurt us...until we learn how to do otherwise...

the fourth step is part of this process...we learn to take responsibility for our lives today...and we learn through forgiving other's of their ignorance and illnesses, we are also able to forgive ourselves...we also learn that many of our problems were of our own making...and so, we learn to grow the fuck up...and live life on it's own terms...

does this mean we do not feel what we feel? no...we always feel what we feel...that is the only way to heal...but we must begin asking ourselves why we feel what we feel, and what can we do about it...b/c feelings can trap us...and we are stepping through the door of honesty to be free...and so, honestly looking at how we feel and feeling it...we are able to transcend it...and see it for what it is...

most of our resentments if not all, are based in fear...we fear we are not going to get something we want, or we fear we will lose something that we have...when we really begin to look at all these fears in their various forms...and again, get honest...we begin realizing just how much power we don't have...it always comes back to our self-will-run-riot, and our lack of power...and finding a power that is greater than ourselves...

through this process...we begin to intuitively know how to handle situations which use to baffle us...in other words...god is doing for us what we cannot do for ourselves...but one reminder...god will not do for us what we can do for ourselves...and so...we cease fighting...everything...and we accept what is...and we continue to do what is in front of us to do...when we become aware of a more healthy way...we ask for courage to take that way...when we are able to do so...we do...but also remember here...conditioning is habitual...and it is a process to do things differently...and so...we accept this too...

stay in the moment...stay out of your head...and in the solution...

if i am not the problem, there is no solution...when i am disturbed...there is something i am not accepting...and until i become willing to accept all just as it is...i am in fact separating myself from the spirit of life, and the peace and serenity that acceptance brings...but if i am not accepting something...then this is my clue to look beneath the surface...there is something i need to look at honestly within my own being, before i can then move into acceptance...

continue with your fourth step work...eventually the process will become apparent without you having to write it down and look at in in black and white...this may very well already be taking place within your awareness...but continue writing it down for now...

much love and joy...

starlightjustfortoday...

physical pain...

2008-10-14T13:52:00.006-06:00

the truth is, physical pain is a reality...the truth is, i spent years ignoring this, and trying to escape it any way i could...the truth is, until i face it, i will not be able to accept what i cannot change, and change what i can...

looking deeper, i realize that the reason for my anger, was the fact that my financial security was and is still threatened...since one of my injuries was an on-the-job-injury, i have felt that i should have been compensated for that...i should be on easy street...they should be responsible for taking care of my medical needs and my living needs, for the rest of my life...while that may or may not be the case, this has been the way i have seen it...and in a sense, when i continue to blame others, i deny myself from taking responsibility for my own life...and i prevent myself from taking advantage of the many options open to me...for change...

in reality, i was actually not in any shape to have worked the job that i was injured on in the first place...but at the time, i was not aware of this, and was just doing the best that i could do...in truth, i was not using drugs or alcohol, but i was bat-fuck crazy! LOL...i was using religion and spirituality to escape into at the time...and i was very emotionally and mentally ill...

looking back upon it now, sure, there was a lack of responsibility in play several of the times that i was injured...that was not mine...and that needs to be looked at honesty too...however; the main focus of the fourth step is in looking solely at our part...what part did we play...and what can we do about that now...

sometimes the only part we play is the victim...as in the case when i was 5 or 6 and fell 15 or so feet out of a tree landing on my back...the most honest thing i can say about that is that sometimes...SHIT HAPPENS...lol...i went through a period where i blamed god...then i tried to blame that little girl for climbing the tree in the first place...but both of those ideas seem quiet ridiculous to me now...and the truth is, it happened...nothing i can do about that...but there is plenty i can do about now...

then there was the time when as a young teen i was in the deep end of the pool and a couple of very large dudes were rough housing and one pushed the other on top of my head, rupturing my jaw discs, and doing untold damage to my neck and back...adding to the damage that had already been done in the previous fall...there were plenty of people to be mad at i suppose when that happened...because my parents had no insurance, i did not even go to the hospital when it happened...and b/c of the way my mom believed at the time, she did not hold anyone legally responsible...but there again...SHIT HAPPENS...lol...so the only purpose for going back, is to see that...but it always brings me back to right here right now...what can i really do about it NOW...holding on to woulda, shoulda, coulda's...is living in the past where we cannot change a thing...letting go of those, and living in the now...is being awake to what we can do differently to make things better...NOW...

now the next fall, was the one taken on-the-job...i spent a lot of years trying to get my workman's comp back, after my job tricked me into resigning...to no avail...as that injury kinda was the straw that broke the camels back...but i had to admit eventually...there were other factors involved, especially my previous injuries...not that they were not liable...to some extent...but hey...i have no control over that...and i have come to realize that the most responsible and healthy...and wise thing i can do today, for me...is to focus on the actual healing of my body...b/c although there are many things i am powerless over, and have to accept...there are many things that i can do something about...and that is where i am choosing to focus my attention to...today...thus the commitment to my daily exercises and such...the past is forever the past...cannot change it...can only take action today...the more energy i waste on trying to figure out the past...and make it make sense...the less energy i have to put into changing what i can change today...to make my life better in the here and now...and this is what the fourth step is all about...and if we do it to the best of our ability...we can finally move on...the past then becomes a tool kit...of experiences that we can share with others...in hopes of helping them...

so, what i just did with those resentments, that is what you have to do with all of yours...the big book tells you exactly how to do this...you list the person, place, or thing, you write down why you resent them, then you write down whether it affects your self-esteem, pocketbook, ambition, personal relationships(including sexual ones)...many of the resentments have to do with more than one aspect...as in my case, my physical injuries affected every aspect of my life...

what i have realized however, is that the very pain i am feeling...is in and of itself, waking my awareness up to the many things i can do to change it...that is what is so awesome about this...when we continue to be honest...and feel what we feel...we have the potential to feel to heal...as long as we keep it real...and take action that is available for us to take...in my case, it is to continue to pay attention to my body...and do the necessary exercises that will strengthen it...is it painful?...HELL YEAH...but healing always is...and it is in this very healing...that the promises are experienced...

much love and joy...*

starlightjustfortoday...

resentments...

2008-10-13T10:03:00.002-06:00

resentments are out number one offender...it's kinda like this...normal drinkers can have one or two...but we can't have any...LOL...

our minds are obsessive places, so when we have even a small resentment, our minds will obsess over it until it is bigger...and then it overwhelms us...and there we are again stuck in that insanity...no matter if we have taken a drink or a drug or not...remember...the problem centers in our mind...and lack of power is our dilemma...drinking and drugging WAS our solution...today we have to have another solution, cause that one stopped working...lack of power leads right back to that insane place if we do not honestly face what is in front of us to face...and leave the rest to that power that is greater than our self-will-run-riot...oh the peace and serenity that comes when we are in acceptance...how wonderful it feels when we are able to clearly ascertain what we can do...and then use that strength of courage within and change what we can...we then are able to arrive in a place of wisdom...YEAH!!!!!!!

i resent this physical pain that i am in...when i think back to all the accidents i had as a young child and young adult, it is a miracle really that i am still able to walk and do the many things that i can do...REALLY...but it doesn't make going through this pain any easier...i had to get honest and ask myself what i can do...what really can i do to change it? when i get really honest, i have to admit that i have not been taking care of my physical self...i have been ignoring it really...of course i had a lot of other stuff to look at...lol...and i have made great progress on all the emotional illness...but now awareness has directed my attention towards the actual physical parts of my body that need my definite attention...

for over a year now, i would not make a doctors appointment, b/c i felt like they had nothing to offer me...but more pills...that's b/c i think i know it all in many respects...lol...but i finally made an appointment for this thursday...just making the appointment brought up a lot of stuff that i thought i had dealt with already...surprise, surprise!

i am really pissed and resentful not only at the pain and injuries themselves, but how it was all handled...of course i have no control over any of that, and i know this, but i still have to walk through these feelings, b/c emotions are stored in the muscles of the body...and so i have to acknowledge what is going on before i can do anything about it...and there always seems to be something we can do, if we are honest and willing to have the courage...

one thing, i have not faithfully continued the stretches and exercises that i needed to continue...daily...so i am now making that a part of my daily routine, out of shear necessity now of course...LOL...it is like we alcoholics and drug addicts are so stubborn that we have to continue to beat our head into a brick wall...AND BLEED...before we finally become willing to do something different! go figure...even in sobriety...we want what we want...and we want it right now!

i am currently writing down some more resentments i have become aware of...as the result of working with you...and so we will have lots to share together come friday...lol

i had dinner with my blind friend last night...i watched him; how he has learned how to feed himself...and just his presence...always smiling, always joyful...he also has to wear hearing aids in his ears...and i thought to myself how unselfish this man is...and at that moment, i realized how selfish i was to feel sorry for myself...and how irresponsible i had been where it had concerned my physical health...it doesn't mean that my problems are not real...b/c they are very real...i have injuries that need to be addressed...but my feeling sorry for myself is not getting it done...i have to move from there and into action...always action...and more action...and so, i do what is in front of me to do...for that IS the next right thing...and i leave the results to my higher power...the god of my understanding...and i also trust that whatever is in front of me to do...however the universe unfolds...that that is exactly what is suppose to be happening...

if i take care of what i am suppose to be taking care of...right this moment...whatever that may be...even if it is in stretching through my physical pain...or breathing through the tension of it...that is where my peace and freedom and joy and happiness is...and that is where you will find yours also...in this moment of true presence...no matter what else is happening...

much love and joy...talk to you soon...

starlightjustfortoday...

walk this way...

2008-10-10T17:06:00.004-06:00

what are we really doing when we make a decision to turn our will and our life over to a power greater than ourselves, or to the care of god as we understand god?

it means simply that we decide to walk another way other than the way we have walked...think another way than the way we have thought...live another way than the way we have lived...

we have decided, in other words, that we need some power other than this self-will-run-riot to direct our path...and that we will willingly turn our will and life over to that directing and guiding power...

so many think they have to figure out what this power is before doing this...but all we need is willingness and honesty for that door to open to happiness, joy, and freedom...

willingness automatically taps into this power...and this power is unlimited...and always within you...it is awareness itself...within all life and through all life...spirit of the universe...when you are in tune with this source...and you stay out of the way...your journey in this life is one of peace and harmony with the entire universe...

so, how do we do that? once the decision is made to do it, what then?

this next week we will begin to look at the various ways that you have blocked your own spirit off from it's connection to the spirit of life...we will be making a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves...we will be honestly looking at ourselves...

the completion of the third step is in the doing of the fourth...and so, onward we go...

continue reading over the actual fourth step directions in how it works...

the first thing that you need to begin doing is making a list of your resentments...

from as far back as you remember...write down everyone and everything that you have a resentment towards...it may be the church, your mom, your dad, the government, the judge, a friend, your dog for biting you when you were two...lol

feel the anger...this is a time when you can really be pissed off...let this anger fuel your list...be aware of how damn good it feels to be pissed off about some of these things...and write every one of them down...write down exactly what you think was done to you and why you are angry about it...no matter how irrelevant you might think it to be...put it all down on paper...

this is the first part of the fourth step, and you need to do this part before we go on to the next part of it...and there are several parts of it...lol...may as well enjoy this experience of expressing your anger...after this, self-righteous anger is impossible to justify! LOL...

missed spending the day with you...hope you are well...

starlightjustfortoday...

28 days...

2008-10-08T23:18:00.002-06:00

WOW...congrats...i think you are amazing...and you are doing a wonderful job...

many say that it is grace that got us here...that but for grace, specifically god's grace, that we might still be out there using or dead or whatever...

the truth is, all humans die sooner or later...do we also blame god's grace for that?

here is my point...grace may have alot to do with it...but so does our willingness to get honest...

are we to believe that we have no control whatsoever? that we are powerless over everything? if that is true, then what is the purpose? why get sober? if it doesn't matter...and we have no control over it...then what are we doing here?

sometimes i sware it does feel like that...and yet, i KNOW that i have the ability to make healthy decisions now...and i KNOW that you are making healthy decisions now too...and i also KNOW that because of this, our lives are better...

powerlessness will always come up to challenge our conditioning at some level...and our wants and desires...but if we can remain willing and honest...and just not use...feel what we feel...accept where we are...have the courage to change what we can...and turn the rest over to the god of our own understanding...then whatever happens we will be ok...

the truth is, life on life's terms is difficult at times...but most of the things we make big deals about are ridiculous...there has been many a time when i have just laughed myself silly for being angry about something that a few minutes later i would realize how unimportant it really was...a lot of this is just growing up...really...

it's funny, but my back has been hurting me the past few days, and when that happens i usually get irritable...and i have been...the littlest things have been pissing me off...lol...but it is remarkable, i find, that this is the very thing that we have been discussing, and it is affecting me at another level...i have been having to turn everything over...my will, cause i don't want to be in pain, plus it makes standing up straight hard to do, and i don't like being irritable, and i don't like being in a pissy mood...LOL...but, i too have had to just feel to heal, and keep it real...this also affects my life...cause i tend to isolate when i am in pain, cause i am not pleasant to be around...lol...but hey...I AM HUMAN...and i KNOW THIS TOO SHALL PASS...and even if it doesn't, as long as i don't use...it'll be ok...

anyways...it does get easier...and the quicker i am able to realize and get honest with ME the problem...the quicker i am able to get into the solution...what a great step 3 is!

made a decision to turn our will and our life over to the care of god as we understood god...

much love and joy...

starlightjustfortoday...

my life...

2008-10-07T21:09:00.003-06:00

before recovery? what life?

it consisted of getting high...how to do that...where i was going to get the money...i was always on a mission...that WAS my life...running around in the streets, hocking all my possessions, including my car...not giving a shit about my family, my kids, nothing...i was living off my mom...i had long since left my condo...lost it...lost my car...lost everything really...had long lost me...i really didn't care that i was killing myself...i was not scared to die...i was scared to live...

that was my life...

of course, my life soon changed when life intervened, and i was forced to sober up and look at my life...honestly...

luckily for me, my daughter still loved me...so my life quickly became filled with life again...my family would eventually want me around again...my son would eventually get into recovery...i would eventually go from someone who was irresponsible about everything in her life...to someone that actually had her own place, and paid her own bills...

from there it has grown to a circle of friends...and the beginnings of being grown up...i am very interested in the world today...very active in politics...and i actually care about other's who are going through this addictive process...i care about the environment, and i do what i can to do no harm to this earth or to other living creatures...

i try everyday to become more responsible by educating myself on global issues, as well as those that affect my Country and my community...i am concerned with alcohol and drug addiction and how is affects those around me...and i try to help where and when i can...

the very fact that i have a life is a miracle...but i do have one, a very good one today...and i cannot imagine ever going back to the way it was...i am happy, joyous, and free...and i love my life today...

so, what is it concerning life that i have to turn over? in the beginning, it was everything...my daughter, my son, my mom, my sister, the judge...EVERYTHING...b/c i did not know how to deal with anything...but i have had over two years now of learning how to be responsible and live life on life's terms...and so, i do pretty well in my relationships and my worldspace...

i still have days when i have to turn my physical pain over; or my frustration about the election; or my frustration over anything that i cannot control...i will never be able to control other people, places, and things...and so, i either learn how to change my thinking and my emotional reaction...or i can suffer the frustration of powerlessness...today i choose to change what i can...and accept the rest...if you can learn this...you too...will have the promises come true for you...remember, all it takes is willingness and honesty...

also remember...THIS IS AN INWARD JOURNEY...the work has been on me...my unhealthy patterns...my emotional reactions...my manipulative behaviors...all the garbage had to be taken out...this was and is still done through taking these steps and honestly looking at me...most of it is just growing up...becoming a responsible member of my family, my community, society...it is a process...a journey of recovery...a moment by moment experiencing of learning how to live life on life's terms...remaining honest and willing to do what i am able to do...

what you cannot handle, you turn over for now...believe you me, that if it is something that you need to learn to handle...it will keep coming back around until you learn how...LOL

have a wonder-filled day...remember to breathe...open up...allow the spirit of the universe...that deeper reality within...to take over YOU...

starlightjustfortoday...

made a decision...

2008-10-06T23:25:00.005-06:00

i can remember early on in my sobriety having to make this decision over and over again...sometimes several times in one day...sometimes seemingly all day long...

it takes time for the head to clear from the abuse of drugs and alcohol, and so the repetitive nature of hitting our knees every morning and going through this ritual becomes necessary to reprogram our old ways of thinking, into open opportunities of the moment...moments of change...for the better...

it also takes time for old behavioral patterns to change...and so, out of necessity, for survival, and that ever-pending first drink or drug...we do these things to change our very habits...

until our head is clear enough, we cannot think about doing the necessary work ahead...and so, we turn over what we cannot do...

what does it really mean to make this decision? for me, it meant that i did not want to continue to live the way i had been living...also, those 9th step promises were ingrained in my consciousness...i wanted to be happy, joyous, and free...and that meant, learning how to live in the present...which is really difficult at first, because we are so use to living in our heads, and in all the drama we create...

when we talk about our will, we are actually talking about what we want...we want what we want and we want it right now! most of my life i did exactly that, no matter who it hurt...and it mostly hurt me...and when i could not get what i wanted...i drank and drugged to escape that fact...what is so ironic, is that i still do what i want...it is just that my wants have changed...lol

when my will is aligned in harmony with the spirit of the universe, everything runs smoothly...i can still get in trouble when i decide to take my egoic will back and run with it...it becomes a power struggle that i cannot win...no matter how hard i try, i cannot control the world around me to suit my selfish desires...when i relinquish that control, and decide to 'go with the flow', 'live and let live', 'cease fighting everything'...that is where peace happens...if i get knocked out of that peace, it is because what i want has taken back over...this does not mean that we do not take responsibility for ourselves, and allow other's to do the same...but most of us have to learn how to do this...i did not know the first thing about being responsible for me...i allowed other's to manipulate me, and i in turn manipulated other's...and so, this is a process...one that reveals itself through living experiences...living life on life's terms...we learn how to be responsible for our own selves, and we learn how to allow other's to do the same...

so my will is my ego...which has been out of control...this is not to say that there are not healthy aspects of ego...there are...but mostly what we have dealt with is self-will-run-riot...an exaggerated version of a spoiled rotten child, out of control, throwing temper tantrums in public...and we cannot expect this child to all of a sudden grow up and act right...it took years for us to get in this shape, and it will not be easy to unlearn these old ways of thinking, and the unhealthy habits we have grown accustomed to...it is also pretty painful...however; it is doable, as long as we remain honest with ourselves...and the rewards are wonder-filled...

so, moment by moment, we do what we can to change our old patterns of behavior and old ways of thinking...that very self-will-run-riot...and turn what we absolutely cannot handle...over to the god of our understanding...you know what you can handle and what you cannot...willingness and honesty is all it takes...

tomorrow i will focus on what it means to turn our life over...because our will is different from our life...and that is why both are in this step...lol

stay in the moment...out of your head...out of yesterday...out of tomorrow...and in recovery...

starlightjustfortoday...

REFLECTION...

2008-10-05T12:30:00.005-06:00

i have been in deep reflection over the past few days...dealing with some areas in my life where i am powerless...and trying to figure out just what i am turning over and to whom i am turning it over to...LOL...
it mostly involves interaction with others, and relationships...but when it causes me any discomfort...i have to look within for my answers today...it has also had to do with some physical issues...and i am being honest with my options...and what i can and cannot actually do about it...
some of the things that i may want to turn over...the spirit of the Universe does not want!
i am reminded that what i can do for myself...i must find the courage within to do...and that which i absolutely cannot do...that is what i must turn over...
sometimes it is difficult to intuit these things...and that is where the living experience of the moment reveals it's wisdom...wisdom is birthed by doing what is in front of you to do, as honestly as you can...then later, reflecting on it, by looking within your own awareness...with rigorous honesty...
when i continue to be honest with myself...i continue to break through conditioned awareness and disruptive behavioral patterns that no longer serve me...
if i continue to look at conflict as an opportunity for growth within my own awareness...eventually i will remain at peace, even in the midst of conflict...
one important thing to remember however, is that with each conflict, there seems to be necessary, a time of quiet reflection for consciousness to absorb what has just taken place.
to integrate the wisdom of the living experience...into the clarity of awareness...
while it may seem like you are adding something to your awareness...i tend to think of it as subtracting conditioning...
recovery is a continual process of uncovering, discovering, and discarding...that which has gotten in the way of progress of our emotional and mental development...as responsible adults.
don't forget that there are innate things in consciousness that are necessary for our healthy development...in other words...not everything about us is to be discarded...just our old ideas that do not work...our abilities that serve us well should be recognized...there is healthy anger and unhealthy anger...healthy love and unhealthy love...for example...
our job now is to look at how we react to each situation honestly, and determine what is healthy and what is not, realistically...and discard that which is not healthy for that which is...
the god of any ones understanding, whatever that is...does not want our anger...does not want our depression...those are the things that we will continue to have to look at and work out in our moment to moment life experiencing...especially our fears, because that is at the root of most of all our living problems...it is at the root of our unhealthy anger and depression...and all of our reactions...it has protected us until we become ready to look at the reasons for it...
it is called growing up and living life on life's terms...accepting what we cannot change,and being willing to change what we can...
remember...your assignment this week is to analyze the third step...
made a decision...(what does that mean?)
to turn our will...(what is the will? how do we turn that over?)
and our life...(what is our life? how do we turn that over?)
over to the care of god as we understood god...(how do we understand god in relation to the rest of the step? what can we turn over? what can we not turn over? how do we turn that which we can turn over? how do we deal with the rest?)
my dear sweet one...i am so proud of you...friday was awesome...you are helping me understand myself at a whole other level...and working and taking...incorporating these steps into our very lives...with you... is opening us both up to new levels of awareness...thank you so much for being a part of my life and my recovery...
starlightjustfortoday...

whuzzzzzzzzzzup?

2008-10-03T03:57:00.004-06:00

it is 5am...can't sleep...but it's ok...i know that you will be knocking at my door soon...and i am looking forward to spending the day with you...just left Cafe Co Co's for the second time...LOL..a good friend of mine and i went for a early am coffee and bite to eat...and i had been there hours earlier singing and eating with several other recovery friends...lol...i love my life!

i woke up thursday morning in a lot of pain...you know my history...and with the weather getting colder, i was really feeling it...i have not been doing the things that i need to do to physically prevent a lot of the pain...and so, this was a reminder of that...but the great thing about it all...was i was ok with being in pain...ok with crying some about it...ok with being powerless over it...and ok with being pissed off about some things that i was pissed off about...and am still to a great degree...which, HaHa...you may just have to listen to me feel to heal and keep it real today...LOL

you know what else was great? i was not in that insanity...a couple of times i could of been...but i was honest with HOW I WAS FEELING...AND I ALLOWED MYSELF JUST TO BE IN PAIN...AND TO BE PISSED OFF...AND I VOICED IT...AND IT IS OK TODAY, THAT I AM NOT PERFECT...IT IS OK TO BE PISSED OFF TODAY...AS LONG AS I AM HONEST WITH ME...

what is not ok...is to be pissed off and stuff it, or pretend i am not pissed off...or to blame it on someone else...see, today, i know that if i am disturbed it is b/c i am not satisfied with some person, place, or thing...the way it is...now that does not mean that i am not going to still be pissed off...it just means that today, i know why...

insanity would be for me to try and change what i cannot change...or try and control what i cannot control...or try and fix what i cannot fix...i am powerless over people, places, and things...and it's wonderful to KNOW that...

and since i also KNOW that there is a power greater than my ego...and that this power is within me...then i can just turn whatever it is...over...now that does not mean that what i feel will go away automatically...like the physical pain, or the being pissed off, it just means that i accept that i am in pain and i am pissed off...and that i am powerless over being powerless...

when i become willing...willing...willing...to feel to heal...and keep it real...staying honest with me...and believing in that power within...then...and only then...am i restored to sanity...

Came to believe that a power greater than myself could restore me to sanity...

today i believe that when i get out of my own way...that power within is tapped into...and no matter what is going on with me...as long as i am honest with what i think and feel...i will be ok...

much love to you dear one...see you in a few hours...

starlightjustfortoday...

spirit of the universe...

2008-10-01T22:49:00.002-06:00

spirit of the universe...
reality within...
there is no place to pinpoint...
where god begins or ends...
our very life, our very breath...
is spiritual divine...
god is energy in motion...
the all of space and time...
i watched the magical sunset...
such brilliant light i saw...
today as i sat under a tree...
and felt the breeze in awe...
spirit of the universe...
and all that you reveal...
i bow to this great power...
that makes up all that's real...
everything reflected...
from the smallest blade of grass...
is filled with this god energy...
and made from consciousness...
from the time before the big bang...
when all of this began...
till time eternal and beyond...
evolving journey of man...
this higher power that you seek...
has always been in you...
tap into this awareness...
recreate your life...anew...
StarLight Dancing...

starlightjustfortoday...

staying sober one more day...

2008-09-30T22:21:00.002-06:00

hope you are having a wonder-filled morning...instead of entering anything new, i am going to post some links of some of my older blogs for you to read...have fun! most of them are real short...no worries...stay in the moment...

Beauty and Beyond...

little things...

reality...

there is a solution...

a higher power...

where is god?

remember when you read this next one...that today my son has over 7 months clean...and is really doing wonderfully...

my son and his friends...

insanity...self-made?

2008-09-29T21:49:00.003-06:00

i don't really know if i was always crazy...i tend to think that i did not learn healthy ways of living life on life's terms when i was growing up...and b/c i was as a young child introduced to paragoric, i did not develope psychologically along normal pathways...

as we know, emotional growth is stopped when drugs are introduced...and so, i was at a disadvantage b/c of the early often use of paragoric...then i had a tramatic accident when i was a young teen, where both jaw discs were ruptured...and i was introduced to many other drugs...

wasn't long after that...i found alcohol...and illegal drugs...

i am not really sure if i can blame it entirely on the physical pain...as i tend to believe that i already had the genetic disposition, and biological presets to become addicted to chemical substances...but, we will never know the answer to that one i suppose, and it does not really matter...

i spent most my life in and out of the insanity of using drugs and alcohol...but i don't think i would have survived without them...

THEY WERE MY SOLUTION TO MY INABILITY TO LIVE LIFE ON IT'S OWN TERMS...

NOW, I HAVE ANOTHER SOLUTION...

THIS PROGRAM OF RECOVERY...

12 STEPS INTO FREEDOM...AND A LIFE THAT IS WONDER-FILLED...

for years i had no clue that my behavior was insane...i mean looking back now it is obvious...i can see it cearly now...but while i was in the middle of the insanity...i was trapped...

becoming willing to honestly look within...was the beginning of a new life that i would not trade today for any drug or drink on earth...in fact...i have found what i was always looking for in the drink and drug...peace...serenity...joy...

today i no longer have that insanity in my life...my life is filled with peace and joy...yours will be too if you continue on this journey...you will know a new freedom and a new happiness...you will not regret the past or wish to slam the door on it...

admitting that my behavior while using was insanity...help to free me from it...

coming to believe was not hard to do either...once i became willing...and realized that i had no other choice if i was going to have a chance at life...i had to believe in a power greater than myself...and as i was able to tap into that power...i intuitively knew how to handle situations that use to baffle me...still...

continue reading what you have been reading, and add A Vision For You...

you need to be journaling...about your insanity or coming to believe, or both...

have you written down your conception of god yet? you need to do that too...

STAY OUT OF DRAMA...STAY OUT OF YOUR HEAD...STAY IN THE MOMENT...

STAY IN RECOVERY...IN THE SOLUTION...

STAY FOCUSED ON YOU...REMEMBER...YOU HAVE A CHOICE TODAY...

YOU ARE RESPONSIBLE FOR YOUR BELIEFS, FEELINGS, AND ACTIONS...

FEEL TO HEAL...KEEP IT REAL...

i love you...call me...

read this link

starlightjustfortoday...

came to believe...

2008-09-28T19:03:00.004-06:00

i began this process somewhere in the early 90's...i often say that i found god in an AA meeting...but what i actually found was my own understanding of god...at that time, that began working at some level for me...

since that time, my understanding of god has been all over the place...but one thing i am certain of, god is not religious...people are...and my higher power today is no where near my idea of god when i first came into this program of recovery...

the god i grew up with was a god of guilt and control...one that gave you free will, then punished you for using it...all my old ideas concerning god have drastically change...and for good reason...the god i use to have was never able to keep me sober...but what has also changed, is the fact that today, i take full responsibility for my beliefs, my feelings, my actions and behavior...

once we actually begin taking these steps into ourselves...and honestly looking at ourselves...a power opens up within us that we can then tap into...this is the power that the Big Book speaks of...when i get out of my own way...then whatever it is that is...is able to work through my very being...and i get better...and my life gets better...

coming to believe is a process that we will continue to look at this week...

we will also be looking at the real facts about our own insanity...

one thing i want you to begin thinking about...when you became willing this time to do things differently, you were in fact tapping into that power...you might be unaware of it...but willingness is a necessary ingredient that comes from within your own awareness...

if things seem different this time around from the last time...this is why...

i am very proud of your willingness to honestly look within yourself...it takes great courage to do this...

much love and joy...

remember, you gotta tap on the links below to link up! LOL...

for your reading pleasure...

this link too...

starlightjustfortoday...

2008-09-26T22:50:00.001-06:00

so...
the past two weeks we have been dealing successfully, with understanding the powerlessness that addiction leaves us with, and the unmanageable ways that this very powerlessness manifests itself...

through recovery, i have come to understand that i have an allergy to any mind alternating addictive chemicals in any form...solid or fluid...

this allergy is not only in my mind, but also in my body...when i put alcohol or drugs into my system, my mind and body craves them...no matter how destructive my drinking and drugging becomes to my person...i cannot stop...

the unmanageability is not just with material or financial aspects...i am unable to manage and control my very behavior...even after i stop using...

i had to admit, that drugs and alcohol were my solution...

and my solution was not only killing me, but landing me in hospitals and jails...

the problem was my inability to live life on life's terms...

so the problem then became...what do i do to avoid that first drink since once i start i cannot stop successfully and life as i know it goes to shit?

LACK OF POWER IS MY DILEMMA...

i had to find a power greater than myself...which i take to mean...greater than my own ego, or self-will run riot...

i had to choose another conception of god, because the god of my religion did not work...all my old ideas...DID NOT WORK...

i had to be willing to let go of all my old ideas concerning a god that is outside of myself...because, when the Big Book speaks of our own concept of god...it is speaking of those first 100 that recovered from a seemingly hopeless state of body and mind...

we will be looking closely at Bill W.'s experience of god consciousness...also, what is referred to as the spirit of the universe...and the great reality within...

if the power that i need to stay sober is within me...within my own awareness...or spirit or soul or whatever...then it is obvious that i was not able to recognize that power or tap into it because i...my ego/self-will kept getting in the way...

we will be looking at all of this...and dive deeper into the truths of our own being...while we investigate how it is that we can come to believe...

i am so very proud of you and the honest inner work that you are doing...

may you be filled with your own inner joy...

starlightjustfortoday...

habitual reaction...

2008-09-25T10:30:00.003-06:00

one of the ways in which unmanageability manifests itself in our lives is through habitual reaction...

we learn to react instead of acting responsibly...we react to emotions with frustration and confusion and anger, and since we are prohibited from thinking clearly, we habitually react to people, places and things, and allow them to control our behavior...and then we justify that to make ourselves 'feel' better, by blaming our feelings and actions, or reaction on other people, places and things. we lie to ourselves, and stuff what we feel...

FEEL TO HEAL...AND KEEP IT REAL...

I AM RESPONSIBLE FOR MY THOUGHTS, MY BELIEFS, MY FEELINGS, AND MY ACTIONS...

the unhealthy patterns of behavior that we have learned have been a way to survive...b/c until now, we have not learned a healthier way...

by looking at our own pattern of behaviors, and paying attention, and critically analyzing them, we can come to understand them, and then change them...one moment at a time...

this means that the way other people behave is none of our business...when we finally get honest with ourselves...only then can we begin to understand why things are happening the way that they are, and only then do we begin to recognize that we can change...

years upon years of living life self-will run riot does not change in the twinkling of an eye...there is no easier, softer way...then just to roll our sleeves up and get to work on ourselves...

NO ONE CAN MAKE ME FEEL ANYTHING...

UNLESS I ALLOW IT...

NO ONE CAN MAKE ME BEHAVE IN INSANE WAYS...

NO ONE CAN MAKE ME PICK UP THAT FIRST DRINK OR DRUG...

TODAY...I AM RESPONSIBLE...

but, since i had spent years allowing others to control me, and i in turn learned many ways to also manipulate situations and people to get what i wanted...it is only logical to understand that this process in reverse does not happen over night...

when we look at our relationships with others, and get honest about the part we have and are still playing...it is like looking into a window of truth...we begin to see how everything we have done has led us to where we are...

when we focus on our own behavior and feelings, we begin to see these patterns within ourselves, and in our interactions with others, and only when we begin to see ourselves honestly, can we change...

especially where it concerns our relationships, we learn to have patience and compassion for those that may not yet be able to get in touch with themselves honestly...but as we get better at being responsible for ourselves, our situation may not change, but the way we look at it...does...

so, logically, since it took us years to get so fucking tangled...untangling ourselves is a process that we attempt to do one day at a time...sometimes, one moment at a time...

we do what is in front of us to do...by acting responsibly, as adults, we take responsibility for ourselves, and allow other's to do the same...

WE TEACH OTHER'S HOW TO TREAT US...

we cannot expect that just b/c we are not using today, that others are going to automatically trust us...with time, maybe we can win back trust of our loved ones, but even if we don't, that has nothing to do with our own recovery...as we learn to respect ourselves and others, they in turn, learn to respect us, and themselves...

IT IS NONE OF MY BUSINESS WHAT ANYONE ELSE THINKS OF ME...

STAY OUT OF YOUR HEAD AND IN THE MOMENT...

YOU HAVE ENOUGH ON YOUR PLATE, WITHOUT BORROWING TROUBLE THAT IS NOT YOURS IN THE FIRST PLACE...

IT'S NOT THEM...

IF YOU ARE NOT THE PROBLEM...THERE IS NO SOLUTION...

SOBRIETY IS NOT ABOUT GETTING WHAT YOU WANT...

AND YET IT IS EXACTLY THAT...CAUSE WHAT YOU REALLY WANT...IS TO BE HAPPY, JOYOUS, AND FREE...

i love you...i am very proud of your progress...remember, with every confrontation you have, whether it be inward or outward...great clarity can be gained...so, disturbances can become times of great awareness...

starlightjustfortoday...

my life is...WHAT?

2008-09-23T19:14:00.005-06:00

when i first came into the program of recovery in 1990, i had no understanding of the FACT that my life was unmanageable b/c i had been drinking and using for many years...go figure...

I WAS STUCK ON STUPID...

i had no place to live; had just finished up doing 48 hours for a DUI; my mom had had my kids for the past few weeks, and prior to that, we went from the Salvation Army, to free housing, to subsidized housing, and i could not even manage to pay the little amount of rent that i was suppose to pay for that! yet, it had not dawned on me that my life was unmanageable...yeap...i was trapped...and did not have the slightest idea that i was...

I COULD NOT TELL THE TRUE FROM THE FALSE...

my mom had mercy on me...AGAIN...and came and got me; i joined her, my step-father, and my two children on a trip to Florida...where i could not wait to leave my children with my mom and go out on my own...to get fucked up...

on the way home from this vacation, my mother told me that she and my step-father had decided to buy me a condo in Memphis...something happened at that point, and i began to cry, and told her that if i went back to Memphis, i knew that i would not make it...so, the decision was made for me to stay in Nashville, in my own condo...go back to school, and get into recovery...plus i got a car...what an ungrateful SPOILED ROTTEN BRAT I WAS BACK THEN...

once again, i was helped out of my own shit...my enablers had always been many it seemed, and there was none more willing than my mother...and now my new step-father who really loved me and my children...i just didn't have a clue as to how to appreciate such things...

so, someone else managed my life for me; gave me the things that i needed...and all i had to do was stay clean and go to school...i did well for a while...really well...but soon i was convinced that i could once again drink normally...or at the very least smoke a joint or two...

i was not willing, nor was i able, to be completely honest with myself about the powerlessness of that first drink and those that followed...and the unmanageability that always manifested as a result of my using...

I WAS INSANE...

the definition of insanity is repeating the same behavior, expecting different results...which i did over and over and over again...

please read my story...it is long, but it is something that you need to read...(link at the bottom).

i was about a year sober...THIS TIME...before i finally admitted that i was insane...but what other description could be used to describe my behavior? SOUND FAMILIAR?
i always seemed to escape the severe consequences of my actions, b/c i always had someone to bail me out...SOUND FAMILIAR?

eventually, i ran out of people and loved ones to use...i lost everything materialistically speaking; i had long lost myself...and as you well know, i went to jail...put there by my family...

I HAD FINALLY HIT MY BOTTOM...

however...not everyone has the same bottom...you do not have to lose everything, or go to jail...or turn your loved ones against you...you can learn through my experiences...if you so choose to...

I WANT YOU TO GET IN TOUCH WITH THE WAYS THAT YOUR ADDICTION HAS MADE YOUR LIFE UNMANAGEABLE...

BE HONEST...

WHO HAS PAID YOUR BILLS?

BOUGHT YOUR DRUGS?

CARED FOR YOUR CHILD?

BOUGHT YOU A CAR? CARS?

GAVE YOU A NICE HOME?

PUT UP WITH YOU AND LOVED YOU INSPITE OF YOU?

RECOGNIZE ALL OF YOUR ENABLERS...AND KNOW THAT YOU HAVE USED EVERYONE OF THEM TO SATISFY YOUR NEED FOR DRUGS...

IS YOUR LIFE UNMANAGEABLE BY YOU? HOW MANY PEOPLE ARE HELPING YOU TO MANAGE YOUR LIFE RIGHT THIS MOMENT?

ARE YOU READY TO TAKE RESPONSIBILITY FOR YOUR SELF...ONE DAY AT A TIME AND LEARN A DIFFERENT WAY OF LIVING WHICH LEADS TO HAPPINESS, JOY, AND FREEDOM?

YOU CANNOT DO IT DRINKING AND DRUGGING...

ARE YOU WILLING TO FACE THESE TRUTHS ABOUT YOURSELF?

remember...i am telling you these hard truths b/c I LOVE YOU...this is the hatefulness of love...and i am more interested at this point in telling you the truth to WAKE YOU THE FUCK UP...so that you have a chance to live this wonder-filled life that i KNOW you can have...

if you are willing to continue to follow instructions...YOU WILL CHANGE...

READ THE PROMISES NOW...

read my story...then call me...

starlightjustfortoday...

to drink like normal people...

2008-09-22T21:49:00.004-06:00

this was a great delusion of mine, and i followed it all the way into insanity and beyond...

when i took my first drink, it amounted to downing about 3/4's of a pint of 180 proof PGA...i was drunk...really out of it...for three days...i was 16 years old...

that began my life-long attempt at trying to control my drinking...i would try, and sometimes, to my own amazement, was able to succeed in only drinking a couple...i would pat myself on the back and convince myself that i had accomplished normalcy...and usually, a few days later, or a week or so...i'd be drunk again...usually blacking out and not remembering anything much...then when the memories would come back...i'd just drink some more...

this was my pattern off and on for many years...of course it also included drugs and religion...i tried every way i could to escape living life on life's terms...

i would switch from hard liquor to beer; from beer to wine; then weed...i even shot some dope on occasion...so when i ended up on pain pills...i thought i had finally found my answer...

legal drugs...cause after all...i needed them...i had everything under the sun wrong with me, and the ex rays to back that up...

today, i take nothing stronger than tylenol or ibuprofen...and don't take much of that...

the lengths i went to to stay fucked up...are unbelievable...the energy and money i spent on all those missions i went on...insanity in action...staying sober today is easy compared to that...and so, i KNOW that it is possible for anyone who has the mental capacity to 'decide' to do it...

EVEN YOU...

to honestly look at the ways in which your own life is unmanageable...and the ways you have unsuccessfully tried to manage your addiction...will show you this right off the bat...if you are being honest with yourself...

not only do we use drugs and alcohol...WE USE PEOPLE, PLACES, AND THINGS...

THIS IS THE BEHAVIOR THAT MUST CHANGE IF YOU ARE TO REMAIN SOBER...

DRINKING AND DRUGGING IS YOUR SOLUTION...NOT YOUR PROBLEM...

LIVING LIFE ON LIFE'S TERMS IS YOUR PROBLEM...

YOUR LIFE IS UNMANAGEABLE BY YOU...

add the Doctor, Alcoholic, Addict to your reading today...it is one of the stories in the back of your Big Book...

ARE YOU JOURNALING? IT IS VERY IMPORTANT THAT YOU CONTINUE TO DO THIS...

ALSO...CONTINUE TO STAY IN THE MOMENT AND BE AWARE OF WHAT YOU ARE FEELING...EMOTIONALLY AND PHYSICALLY...

DON'T FORGET TO BREATHE...OPEN UP TO NATURE...

if you absolutely have to have some drama today...tune into General Hospital...and let me know what's going on...LOL

STAY OUT OF YOUR HEAD AND OUT OF YOUR DRAMA AND EVERYONE ELSES...

ONLY TALK ABOUT YOUR PROBLEMS AS THEY ARE RELATED TO ALCOHOLISM AND DRUG ADDICTION...AND SOLUTIONS IN RECOVERY...

much love and joy...call me...(my phone went dead last night, but it is charged up now...lol)

starlightjustfortoday...

unmanageability...

2008-09-21T19:35:00.004-06:00

Good morning!

read your gratitude list and add something to it...

this week we will be looking at the second half of the first step...the unmanageability of the very powerlessness that is our problem...

now that you have a better understanding of powerlessness...you need to look at the ways that it has manifested itself within your very life...

you may not have lost everything...but what do you have if you lose yourself?

read Bill's Story and More About Alcoholism today and every day this week...call me...and don't drink or use...

oh yeah...how are you doing with your meetings? a homegroup is very important to your sobriety...

remember...stay out of your head...out of drama...out of yesterday...out of tomorrow...

IN THE MOMENT AND IN RECOVERY...

much love and joy...life is wonder-filled lived in the moment of NOW...

read this...

http://tlcoriginals.gaia.com/blog/2007/8/emotional_idiot

and this...

http://starlightjustfortoday.blogspot.com/2007/04/todays-moment_02.html

starlightjustfortoday...

my child...

2008-09-19T19:44:00.002-06:00

when you were still a tiny child with hands so very small,
your eyes were wide with wonder, you had to know it all.
your heart was pure and innocent, not yet touched by life,
reality soon taught you...anger, pain and strife.
the faith you had soon turned to doubt; your love hid deep within;
your wonder turned to fear and hate, and they were now your friend.
you smothered me so very long that i was sure we'd die,
but then you found a new friend, and we started getting high.
i wanted so to comfort you, and take away your tears,
but you had paralyzed our power; we existed that way for years.
sometimes you would call for me, but i could not respond,
it seemed that we were frozen, but we always had a bond.
when finally you got honest, and mirrored that to me,
a miracle then happened, we both were then set free.
you'd broken things inside of you, we had a lot to mend,
healing's always painful, but worth it in the end.
you asked me why i'd gone away and left you on your own,
your ways kept me in prison but you never were alone.
you listened and you cried alot, it purified your soul,
remembering what you forgot so very long ago.
with faith now strong and love reowned we now were on our way,
once again I was your friend and led you through each day.
the anger's gone and hate and fear, they fled and disappeared,
peace guards us now, like magic; that hazy doubt has cleared.
remember child and don't forget, and never lose your way,
i am here inside you; each and every day.
you only need to come to me exactly as you are,
let my spirit fill you, and we will travel far.
i can show you many things, if you will but see,
relax my child, and be at peace; trust and believe in me.
sometimes you must just be still in quietness you will find,
that i will be there waiting; each and every time.
most times you're in a hurry; most things are'nt good for you,
i can see tomorrow when you have'nt got a clue.
relax and just be patient, enjoy your moments now;
learn to live just in today, watch, listen--you'll learn how.
your longed for peace is easy, as long as i lead you,
don't give me charge then take it back before i'm half-way through.
my child you were my child you'll be until our journey's through,
if you will just remember: i am a part of you.
freespirited and restless, dear child you were so born,
created in my image, this earth you do sojourn.
one day you'll rest forever, complete-in eternity,
we'll share one spirit in perfection, you are a part of me.
until that time you must try to help others along the way,
remember: i work through you; be careful what you say.
your will is very stubborn, but once trained for the good,
i can then act freely, when you act as you should.
remember all are my children, i love each a special way,
there is no room or time allowed for games that people play.
when you let me lead you, like magic you will change,
you'll find such happiness in my peace, such comfort when you pray.
i will fix the broken things and do all in my time,
i'll be with you always, because dear child, you're mine.
tlcoriginals.
starlightjustfortoday...

powerlessness...

2008-09-17T22:15:00.011-06:00

Powerlessness...
what exactly are we talking about when we talk about powerlessness? what is it that we are powerless over? is it everything?
i can remember very clearly the very last day that i used...
i was so messed up, and at that point was powerless over everything that happened afterward. the universe unfolded...b/c i had created the situations leading up to the very moment that led to my sobriety...
what am i saying here? i am saying that every step you have taken has led you right here, right now...no matter what has happened in the past, it led you to today...and today...you have not picked up a drink or a drug...AWESOMENESS!!!!!!!
there are many things that you are powerless over...but that does not mean that you are powerless over the choices you make in your life today...but once you pick up...it starts the entire process over again of obsession...mental and physical cravings are then triggered and we are once again powerless over everything that happens past that point...don't mis-understand me...you might be powerless, but b/c you KNOW you have this dis-ease...
YOU ARE RESPONSIBLE FOR THAT FIRST DRINK OR DRUG NOW...
YOU KNOW WHERE IT WILL LEAD...PLAY THAT TAPE...YOU ARE ALSO RESPONSIBLE FOR FINDING A POWER GREATER THAN YOURSELF...AND USING IT...
you can choose to make healthier choices in every aspect of your life from this day forward.
you can choose to think logically about the decisions you make...today...
you can choose to be responsible for your own life...your thoughts, your beliefs, your feelings,your behaviour...you can choose to be willing...you can choose to take action...you can choose to not use today...
you can choose to stay away from situations that are dangerous for you right now...
you will always be powerless over many things in this life...whether or not a tornado comes and blows your house down is not within your power...
you are also powerless over other people...you cannot control them even if you think you can. in the past i used many methods of manipulation and guilt that i had learned over the years to get my way...to make others do or not do what i wanted them to...it may have seemed to work in certain situations at certain times, but inevitably it always ended up blowing up in my face...
these patterns within are recognized when we begin getting honest and paying attention to exactly what we are feeling and what we are doing...
bottom line is this...no matter how well we might think that we have control over someone or some external situation in our lives...
WE DO NOT AND CANNOT CONTROL THE WORLD TO OUR SATISFACTION...
THE ONLY THING WE CAN DO, IS TO LEARN TO CONTROL OURSELVES THROUGH THIS PROCESS OF RECOVERY.
THE MORE EMOTIONALLY SOBER I BECOME, THE MORE RESPONSIBLE CHOICES I AM ABLE TO MAKE...
THE MORE CLEAR I BECOME, THE MORE ABLE I AM TO TAP INTO THAT POWER THAT IS WITHIN ME, FLOWS THROUGH ME...WHEN I/EGOIC/SELF...GETS OUT OF THE WAY...
WHEN I ALLOW POWER TO FLOW THROUGH ME...WHEN I ALLOW EACH MOMENT TO UNFOLD, WITHOUT TRYING TO CONTROL IT OR ANYONE OR ANYTHING...I BECOME THAT FLOW OF POWER...AND CHANGE HAPPENS...

this does not mean that i do not take responsibility for my life...on the contrary...i have learned how to pay my bills, make plans, follow through with adult things that adults need to follow through on...like when to clean my house, do my laundry, shop for groceries...relax, eat, sleep...all of these things i had to learn how to do all over again...i still am learning how to take care of me in a healthy way...it is a process...i also have to save for things i need, wisely manage the money i have so that it lasts the entire month, plan my day many times around the needs of others...but within all of that...always, my sobriety comes first...and when i forget that...i lose it whether i pick up and use or not...i lose it emotionally...so the recovery process has become and still continues to be, a process of uncovering, discovering, and discarding...those things that do not work...

i am also responsible for learning how to communicate with others in a healthy responsible way...THIS IS A PROCESS...we have been so use to manipulating and controling others...using guilt or any means we could to get our way...that our relationships are usually ALL unhealthy at this point...we have to learn by interacting with others in entirely new ways...this is not easy...is not going to be easy...in fact...IT IS HARD WORK...but it is possible to heal the relationships you have...remember...YOU ARE RESPONSIBLE FOR YOU...

but the more we are able to be responsible for ourselves and honest with ourselves...the more we are able to allow others to be responsible for themselves...

IT IS A PROCESS...OF SUBTRACTING ALL OUR OLD IDEAS...AND ALLOWING THAT POWER TO RE-CREATE OUR LIVES...ONE MOMENT AT A TIME...

MANY TIMES IT IS JUST IN DOING WHAT IS IN FRONT OF US TO DO...

i have found that for me, it has not been wise to make a lot of plans to far in advance, but it is important to have a stable routine...a flexible one, but one that includes time with me and my higher power...time to reflect...time to allow what i have learned to surface...and let go of that which does not work, adopting the things that do work...since life is ever changing...so is this process...it is an ever-deepening presence of being...that continues to open up, as i live my life in the eternal NOW...PRACTICING THESE PRINCIPLES OF SELF-HONESTY...

the first place that we need to practice these principles is with ourselves and our families...by honestly looking at how you feel, and expressing that in a responsible way to others...you encourage them to do the same...

bottom line...i am not powerless today b/c i rely on a power greater than my ego/self...and that power allows me to make healthy choices today...i am unlearning unhealthy behavior that makes my life and the life of those i love...better in every way...WE HAVE TO ROLL UP OUR SLEEVES AND PARTICIPATE IN OUR LIVES...ONE MOMENT AT A TIME...

when we know better...we do better...

knowing is doing...doing is knowing...

THIS IS A PROGRAM OF ACTION...

MUCH OF IT IS IN REALIZING WHAT IT IS YOU CAN CHANGE AND WHAT IT IS YOU CANNOT...THEN HAVING THE WILLINGNESS TO ACCEPT WHAT YOU CANNOT CHANGE...AND HAVING THE COURAGE TO CHANGE WHAT YOU CAN...

WISDOM IS A PRODUCT OF RECOVERY IN ACTION...

starlightjustfortoday...

time to wake up...

2008-09-17T22:15:00.008-06:00

today...i am responsible...

today...i have a choice...

today...i cannot blame what i think, what i feel or what i do on anything or anyone else...

i had to put my big girl britches on and face reality...

i had to grow up...

i had to stop being a selfish, spoiled rotten brat...

i had to take responsibility for my own sobriety...my own emotional and physical health...

how did i do that?

ONE MOMENT AT A TIME...

IF YOU HAVE NOT READ YOUR GRADITUDE LIST...READ IT...

ADD SOMETHING TO IT...

i had to admit that i was my own worst enemy...

I AM THE PROBLEM...

IF I AM NOT THE PROBLEM...THERE IS NO SOLUTION...

that is worth repeating...

IF I AM NOT THE PROBLEM...THERE IS NO SOLUTION...

DON'T PICK UP AND YOU WONT GET DRUNK...

oh, that's right...you are powerless...

LACK OF POWER IS YOUR DILEMA...

so...what will you do?

YOU MUST FIND A POWER GREATER THAN YOUR EGOIC-SELF-WILL-RUN-RIOT...

CHOOSE YOUR OWN CONCEPT OF GOD...

IF YOU DON'T WANT TO CALL IT GOD...COOL...

BUT DENYING THAT THERE IS SOMETHING THAT IS GREATER THAN YOU...IS STUPIDITY AT THIS POINT...

the Big Book speaks of a deeper Reality...or a Spirit of the Universe...and even a God Consciousness...

i don't care if you call it a door knob...at least the door knob has done a better job of doing it's job than you have...LOL

THIS IS A NEW DAY...

read the ninth step promises...along with all your other daily readings, which includes...yeap...you got it...the Dr's Opinion and We Agnostics...and i am expecting to see some journaling...

ARE YOU WILLING TO DO THINGS DIFFERENTLY?

STAY OUT OF YOUR HEAD...(save all that stuff for freaking fun friday...LOL).

STAY OUT OF YESTERDAY AND TOMORROW...

HOW WILLING ARE YOU TO STAY SOBER?

STAY OUT OF DRAMA TODAY...

ONLY SPEAK OF YOUR PROBLEMS THAT GOT YOU WHERE YOU ARE...

THE PROBLEM IS YOU...SO IS THE SOLUTION...

remember...I LOVE YOU...call me...

FEEL TO HEAL...KEEP IT REAL...

THIS IS A PROGRAM OF RIGOROUS SELF-HONESTY...

STAY RIGHT HERE...RIGHT NOW...

read these links...

http://starlightjustfortoday.blogspot.com/2007/01/conditioning.html

http://starlightjustfortoday.blogspot.com/2007/09/higher-power.html

http://starlightjustfortoday.blogspot.com/2008/07/defining-godourselvesand-world-around.html

OOOPPPS...i forgot to ask you a very important question...

DO YOU BELIEVE THAT YOU ARE AN ALCOHOLIC/ADDICT?

IF YOU ARE NOT CONVINCED OF THIS...WITHIN YOUR INNER MOST BEING...OR IF YOU ARE STILL LYING TO YOURSELF...

YOU WILL USE AGAIN...

DO YOU REMEMBER YOUR LAST DRUNK?

starlightjustfortoday...

awake to play...another day...

2008-09-16T21:33:00.004-06:00

good morning dear one!

read over your gratitude list and add at least one thing to it...

have you started journaling yet? if you haven't, NOW would be a good time to do that...this is not a suggestion...this is something you have to do...remember, it will help you get honest with you...and in seeing destructive behavior patterns that keep you in your own insanity...

read the Dr.'s Opinion and We Agnostics again...it is very important that you keep reading these every day so you will be ready for the work we are going to do on Friday...

HOW DO YOU REALLY FEEL RIGHT NOW?

STAY IN THIS MOMENT...

LEARN TO BE PRESENT AND AWAKE TO YOUR MOMENTS...

HERE IS AN EXERCISE THAT I WANT YOU TO BEGIN PRACTICING...

listen for the sounds of nature when you are outside...GO OUTSIDE OFTEN...look at the trees closely...look at the flowers you see...feel the wind on your cheek today...notice it...CLOSE YOUR EYES AND BREATH...deeply...notice your breathing...notice what your body is feeling today...be present as much as possible...you are now training your mind to stay in the NOW...it is not easy my friend...we are easily distracted...but you must practice this to be successful...
you can also do this while driving, just keep your eyes open for that...LOL
and always remember to...

FEEL TO HEAL...KEEP IT REAL...

it's ok to feel pain...it's ok to cry...it's ok to feel sad...and it is ok to feel

JOY>>NOW

REMEMBER WHAT YOU ARE SUPPOSE TO BE FOCUSING ON...

POWERLESSNESS AND UNMANAGEABILITY...

DO NOT TALK ABOUT ANYTHING ELSE...TO ANYONE...

NO DRAMA...NO DISTRACTIONS...

FOCUS ON WHAT GOT YOU WHERE YOU ARE...

AND RECOVERY...

NO TALKING ABOUT ANY ONE'S ACTIONS BUT YOUR OWN...THAT IS WHAT YOU ARE RESPONSIBLE FOR TODAY...MIND YOUR OWN BUSINESS...

STAY OUT OF YOUR HEAD...OUT OF YESTERDAY...OUT OF TOMORROW...AND

IN RECOVERY...

REMEMBER...I LOVE YOU...CALL ME AT 11AM

check these links out and read them...

http://starlightjustfortoday.blogspot.com/2006/12/emotional-rollarcoaster-of-life.html

http://starlightjustfortoday.blogspot.com/2007/03/emotional-growth.html

http://starlightjustfortoday.blogspot.com/2007/07/emotional-sobriety.html

starlightjustfortoday...

A New Day...

2008-09-16T00:38:00.001-06:00

Good Morning!

Have you made your gratitude list yet?

if not, make it...and add to it that you woke up in your own bed...

Have you read the Dr.'s Opinion and the chapter We Agnostics?

read them again...

You have a choice today...

you can focus on the problem...or the solution...

do you know what the problem is yet?

do you know what the solution is yet?

don't worry...you will...lol

How do you feel today? Be honest...

Pay attention to what you are feeling...see if you can connect it to powerlessness...

FEEL TO HEAL...KEEP IT REAL...

Start your journal today...spend at least 15 minutes writing in it every morning about how you feel and why you feel that way...to the best of your ability...it may seem strange at first...force yourself...soon, it will become more natural and you will begin to see that writing things down forces you to look at them honestly...

STAY IN THE MOMENT...

STAY OUT OF YOUR HEAD...

STAY OUT OF THE PAST...

STAY OUT OF TOMORROW...

ALL YOU HAVE IS RIGHT HERE RIGHT NOW...

KEEP IT SIMPLE...

STAY OUT OF YOUR DRAMA...AND EVERYONE ELSES...

I love you...have a wonderful morning...it is up to YOU...

if what you are doing is not working...

DO SOMETHING DIFFERENT...

starlightjustfortoday...

first things first...

2008-09-15T13:37:00.004-06:00

and first...i'd like to welcome YOU back into recovery...a process of learning how to live life on it's terms...rather than having life live you as self-will run riot!

this is especially for my dear sweet friend who made it back alive...she knows who she is, so i wont mention any names...but since i am sponsoring her...AGAIN...lol...i am going to be doing a series of blogs about TAKING the 12 steps into a stable, sober, well-balanced life which consists of happiness, joy, and freedom...

first things first...

you have to practice staying in the moment...being here...right now...first...

being present in this moment is one of the most basic principles of recovery, and an absolute if you are ever going to be able to live life on it's own terms...

this ties into the first step and that powerlessness and unmanageability that is felt by those entering into recovery...from anything...

i had to admit that not only was i powerless over alcohol and drugs, but that i was also powerless over my very life... it was quiet obvious to everyone else that i did not know how to make healthy decisions...and i had had years of trying to figure it out in my head...and was quiet knowledgeable about many things...but all that knowledge did not amount to anything when it came to a proper defense against my inability to make healthy choices and live life on life's terms...i was stuck on stupid!

i had to take the cotton out of my ears...and put it in my mouth...iow...shut up and listen!

first things first...

staying in this moment...being awake to what you are feeling...what you are experiencing RIGHT NOW...

what is your physical body telling you? what are your inner emotions trying to release and tell you?

LET THE PAIN OUT...

FEEL TO HEAL...AND KEEP IT REAL...

now, i am saying let the pain out...

BUT DON'T GET STUCK IN IT...

STAY IN THE MOMENT...

DO WHAT IS IN FRONT OF YOU TO DO...
(even if it is just washing those damn dirty dishes!)

CALL YOUR SPONSOR WHEN YOU GET STUCK OR OVERWHELMED!

if you don't have anything to do...read the Doctor's Opinion again...and The Chapter To The Agnostics...(Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous)

so ok...first things first...stay in the moment...pay attention to what you feel...be honest...write it down...cry...hit a pillow...read your literature...but whatever you are doing...keep your attention to the moment and what is going on inside you NOW...once you begin to see it...only then can you get honest about it...and really deal with it...and remember this...i may be a hard ass...but that is b/c

YOU ARE HARDHEADED...AND STILL WANT THINGS YOUR WAY...

your way...got you here...so it is better to admit that

YOU DON'T KNOW...

YOUR WAY DOES NOT WORK...

YOUR WAY WILL NEVER WORK...

YOU ARE POWERLESS...

HOW DOES IT FEEL? LOL

YOUR LIFE IS UNMANAGEABLE...

HOW DOES IT FEEL?

also, remember that i love you...and am thankful to you...for YOU...keep me sober...

be filled with your own inner joy...and make a gratitude list before you call me...

WHAT YOU CANNOT HANDLE...TURN OVER TO THE UNIVERSE...

since you don't have a higher power...yet...i am loaning you mine...it works!

starlightjustfortoday...

looking for a pistol...lol

2008-09-06T09:34:00.003-06:00

today is the BIG day...i am the mother of the bride, and in a few hours, the 'i do's' will have all been said, and the party will really begin...and i will politely say my goodbyes...

last night, i got a peek-a-boo reminder at what a mess alcohol can make of things, and although i respect every one's right to drink or not, i can choose not to be around it...and that is what i am choosing today...

as i sit here blogging, it is very quiet; everyone is off getting their hair done, going to get tuxedos, etc...and i am left in the bliss of silence...ahhhhhhhhhh...

weddings...they are a big-to-do about a lot of very expensive nonsense if you ask me, but no one did...LOL...

remaining present in the now...accepting the things i cannot change, and determined to change the things i can...i am responsible for me...that is it in a nutshell...

i am thankful today that i do not have a desire to drink or drug...i am also thankful that today i have a choice...i love sobriety...and i love my life without all the drama...and that is what i am choosing today...

may you all be filled with your own inner joy...

justfortoday...star...

easy does it...

2008-08-26T16:59:00.003-06:00

no matter where you are along your journey of sobriety, there will come many times when you just have to take a deep breathe, and say softly to yourself...easy does it...

i had a rough spot over the past few days...i think i taxed my brain to much...LOL...and i just had all this frustration going on...there was a lot of anger...i tend to get all caught up in whatever it is that i am writing about at the time, and i was writing about poverty, starving children, war...politics seems to bring all this to the table right now, but i tend to think that it should never be away from the table...but then, these are all emotional issues, and ones that i have struggled with for many years...

at any rate, i still see my tendency to get all caught up in the helplessness and powerlessness of certain situations...but what is so remarkable, is that my mind is programed now, to immediately go to those steps...i am not really bothered by having to do this anymore, and am thankful that it was designed to help me with my broken system of thinking straight...

there are still times when my thinker just will not cooperate...and i drift to easy solutions...like drugs and alcohol...there is also within addiction, the tendency to want to just blow your brains out...that should scream to one to do something different...knowing the traps and triggers is helpful...then playing the tape all the way through to the consequences of that first drink or drug...and being honest with myself...i know that if i push myself to hard, physically or mentally, or if i don't get enough sleep, or if i don't eat properly, i could easily put myself in a dangerous situation...

and so...sometimes...i have to just go back to those tried and true one liners...

EASY DOES IT!

life is life, and even when we are not pushing ourselves to hard, shit happens...today though, i don't have to look to far for a solution...there are plenty of meetings, plenty of people i can call, heck i can even find them online...lol...so, if you find yourself in an uncomfortable space...and you have done everything you know to do...remember...easy does it...

starlightjustfortoday...

feeling emotions...

2008-08-20T17:35:00.004-06:00

so much of my life has been about not feeling what i feel...fortunately though, for the last two years+, i have been facing them as honestly as i know how too...so today, when i had these emotions come up, i just let them come...at one point i was laughing and crying at the same time...lol...much like i am doing right now...

here's the thing...i have made my own emotional health a priority, and then too, have spent a lot of time repairing family relationships...so, i have not dated, or sought out anyone really to date; actually, i have ran the other way, every time a situation arose...

now though, i have been thinking that it might be time to consider a relationship with a healthy, intelligent, responsible man...now with this decision comes a lot of fear...cause i do not know the first thing about this...every relationship i have ever had, has been unhealthy...there was always the tendency to think in terms of Cinderella and Prince Charming...lol...but i have come to see, that many women think this way, for it is how we were raised basically...

anyways...i have done a fair job of establishing a healthy self-esteem, so i don't need, nor desire any man to take care of me...but i do want that beingness...that togetherness...that love that is missing, for now, in my life, with another human being of the opposite sex...

let's talk about sex...lol...i love it...although i have not had any in about three years, except with myself...but anyways, again, this is something that i have to look at realistically today...from an adults perspective, because i am an adult...and there is nothing wrong with responsible, consenting adults having sex...now i don't want to have sex just for the sake of having sex...i want companionship and a loving relationship...but good sex is good! LOL...

anyways, i ran into someone that has a lot of time in recovery today, who has a healthy life and man in that life, and so she has agreed to help me along my journey...(it's called sponsorship).

she gave this assignment out of our Big Book to do, and i found myself feeling such sadness at the little girl i use to be...i was so sick emotionally...but i also found myself not feeling resentment towards those past relationships...how could i? those men were sick too...nevertheless, i am feeling a lot of emotion right now...and that is good, because then i can put that chapter of my life to rest completely, and move on to the next...

she also asked me to make a list of what qualities i was looking for in a man, and what i expected to get out of the relationship...

i want someone who is kind and loving; but i want them to love themselves...have a healthy self-esteem...not be needy...i want someone who is intelligent and loves the things that i love, so that we will be compatible...i want someone who is honest and responsible...for these are the things that i require of myself, and expect no less from someone that i will love and commit myself to. most importantly...i want a friend.

anyways, needed to blog about this...this is a major step for me...but i am going to live my life with all the passion that i have been given, and hopefully share it with someone special...

wow, so this is what a healthy and mature decision feels like...awesome!

starlightjustfortoday...

journey of sobriety...

2008-08-10T12:12:00.003-06:00

life is such a journey, and when you are really sober, awareness opens itself...

i have recently blogged about my son; he is still doing very well...facing his life on it's own terms...

my daughter is getting married soon, and we just spent the weekend together doing wedding stuff...and her friends here gave her a shower...it was awesome...i had a blast...

yes, there was drinking, but i think i had more fun because i was sober and able to appreciate and be aware of every moment...i had no judgments of those that still choose to drink...after all...they are adults...and they are on their own path...their sobriety or lack thereof is none of my business...and today...that's ok with me...

today...i am aware of my allergy to alcohol and mood altering drugs...and i choose not to use them...today...i have a choice...and it is awesome! i left the party after cake, and hit a late meeting...today...i am only responsible for me...and it feels good!

starlightjustfortoday...

decisions, decisions, decisions...

2008-08-01T12:46:00.002-06:00

sometimes, especially in early sobriey, there is still those old behaviour patterns of control and manipulation...i mean let's face it folks; we are users! we not only use drugs and alcohol to alter our reality, we also use people, places and things...and every situation presents a chance to think with our new rational thinking, or slip back into old habits...doesn't matter how much time sober you have, life is a series of choices, and you are presented with healthy ones, and unhealthy ones...sometimes the lines are clear, and sometimes not so clear...i just had once such experience that has unfolded over the course of the past few days that i wish to share...cause it's my blog! lol

my son, god love him...and i do love him...lol...came up with a scheme the other day, and i fell right into it...lol...it isn't really anything bad, but it is just an example of how we try and manipulate situations and others to suit our purposes...

anyways, he has a little over 5 months sobriety, and he came over on Wednesday...he is not suppose to be driving his car, a consequence of his previous behaviour...he lost his license, and has not taken care of that properly yet...although there were chances...he chose to not pay his fines...anyways, he has been driving on a suspended license with no insurance...so about a week or so ago, he was pulled over and barely escaping another arrest, he was given another ticket, and told not to drive...he did ok for about a week...lol, then he showed up at my house on his court date...and i was kinda 'sucked' into his drama...

i went along, for the ride...well he did have to go to court right? what i really was not clear on, was that he had weaved a scenaro in that head of his, and i did go along with it...not only did he have to go to drug court, but he had to appear in another court some distance away, and i found myself being his designated driver for the day...lol...i ended up taking him to work afterwards, and yeah...i got to keep the car...which was a great experience for me, cause i don't have a car...why? well that is another post...getting back to this one, i dropped him off, and i felt free...driving his cool car with the sun roof open and the windows down, wind blowing through my hair and his jamming stereo blasting my Maroon 5 CD Songs About Jane...hey, that's heaven to me...LOL...

so...it's today...Friday...his belly button birthday, and after all his talk of getting insurance...he did not get it...so, i make the decision, a wise one from my perspective, to not drive all the way on the other side of town to pick him up at his half-way house, in a car that is not insured...i told him to ride the bus over here...he didn't like that idea at all...

Opppssss...lol...he threw one hell of a baby fit...cussing up a storm...and hung up on me...mad as hell, cause i had thought things through, and realized that i have to be responsible today...for me...and i am not comfortable driving a car that is uninsured...so, his car is sitting parked outside my apartment...and he is really fuming...and i'm lol...progress...

it was true that yesterday i drove to the store, and to a meeting, and by a friends house, which were all in my little neighborhood...and of course he threw that in my face...but it really boils down to what each individual is comfortable with and willing to do...and i had to set my own limits...and so i did...

while sitting here entering this blog, he has text messaged me a "i'm sorry" message...more progress...and we just talked...and he is ok...and going to check the bus schedule and come over for the weekend...

this has been just another exercise in making healthy decisions and doing the right thing...awesome!

starlightjustfortoday...

fear...

2008-07-28T22:39:00.004-06:00

when i am faced with fear, it is because i am faced with the 'idea' of something that i don't want to happen, will happen, or something i have, will be taken from me...
in reality, my fear prevents me from living free in the moment...
when fear controls me, it causes me to try and manipulate what i cannot control...
in recovery, that is called insanity...
the only thing i can control, is my own thoughts and feelings, and actions concerning whatever it is that reality presents...
and i am only able to do that when i am willing to examine what is going on under the surface, and be rigorously honest with myself...it is never about someone else...it is always about me...
conditioned awareness is waking us up...all i need to do is listen...
the universe is unfolding just the way it is...the sun rises and it sets...that is real...if i am off in my head, worrying about this or that...then i am not living in reality. life is passing me by one moment at a time...
i can remember feeling such pain and fear when my son was still using...i did not know where he was, or how he was, or even if he was still alive, for weeks at a time...but what i learned, was that i had no control over him...death is part of life, and so it is a reality...for me to worry about it, was not going to change whatever was going to happen...so, in reality, i had a choice...i could continue to make myself sick over things that may or may not be happening, or i could choose to live in the moment...and turn him over to the spirit of the universe...
i turned him over...
the truth is, we all have our own paths...no one can walk them for us...we can only learn to walk ours, responsibly...facing our fears honestly...and dealing with what is real...one day at a time...sometimes, one moment...

i am not saying that any of this is easy...however; it gets easier, and when you are free in the moment, you are free to be happy and joyous...

starlightjustfortoday...

old ideas...

2008-07-27T12:47:00.002-06:00

"Some of us have tried to hold on to our old ideas and the result was nil until we let go absolutely." (BigBook)

this is a very important piece of information that is touched upon throughout the BigBook...

it does not say that we have to let go of only some of our ideas...it says that we have to let go of them absolutely...if we do not, our results are nil...nadda...nothing...

letting go of all of our old ideas is not easy...but we can do it via the steps...that is our pathway to freedom...remember that it is an ongoing process...one moment at a time...

happy journey!

starlightjustfortoday...

My Friend...

2008-07-26T02:25:00.002-06:00

Hello my friend...

I know that sometimes it is very hard to understand why things are happening the way they are. We tend to think that once we stop drinking or drugging, that life is going to be wonderful, and everything will be perfect...and life is pretty wonderful, but then when life continues to hit us hard, we get discourgaged, confused, and frustrated...sometimes we can even give up...but i guarantee you...that if you just don't use...things will get better...

When the hard times come, and they will, cause this is life on its own terms...but when they hit you in the face...remember that 'this too shall pass'. You might recall that saying when the good times come too! LOL...

The ninth step promises tell us that there will come a time when we will not regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it...that we will understand happiness and we will know peace...i can tell you that these things do come to pass...one moment at a time...

It is very important to remember that just not using is not emotional sobriety...emotional sobriety takes a lot of work...and that is what those steps are for...and it is a continuing process...but there is never a time, that we can just stop using those steps...they are our stairway to freedom, and a way of life that is happy and filled with joy...

When i am uncomfortable, or confronted with a serious problem, i always go back to step one...then i have to ask myself, what i can logically do about whatever it is that i am facing...can i change it? if i cannot, then i have to turn it over and go on about my buisness...doing something different...other than worrying about it...worst comes to worse...i can always, always find another to work with...but if i can change it, then i must step up to the challenge...and just do it...this is a program of action...

Sobriety is more about facing lifes difficulties with courage and willingness to change as the situation presents itself then it is about anything else...my problem was never alcohol and drugs...those were just symptoms...my problem was that i did not know how to live life as a responsible, emotionally healthy adult...i wanted what i wanted...and i wanted it right now...i was controlled by my emotions, and it is very painful to 'grow up'...but that is the very heart of recovery...growing up, owning our feelings, and walking through whatever we have to walk through...

I am still learning how to do this one day at a time...sometimes, one moment at a time...so remember, dear one...that someone else somewhere is on this journey with you...and that everything is unfolding exactly as it should...or it would be different! Haha...

be filled with your own joy dear friend...and remember to take care of you...

starlightjustfortoday...

it works...if you work it!

2008-07-21T11:53:00.001-06:00

the previous post, just underneath this one, was written back in October of last year...my son was a mess...

he now has 5 months of continued sobriety...YEAH!!!!!!!

i share these painful experiences, and then these joyful ones...so that if you are out there wondering in the wilderness of drug and alcohol addiction...you will know that there is a way out...reach out...and get some help...learn how to help yourself...be responsible...for yourself...and learn to live free from your addiction...YOU CAN DO IT...IT WORKS IF YOU WORK IT!

much love...

starlightjustfortoday...

my son and his friends...

2008-07-21T11:48:00.003-06:00

our sweet young Ian, so full of pain,
the alcohol and drugs made him insane,
he'd gone to jail, forced sobriety,
started back to slinging, soon as he was free...
my son's best friend, lost to this shit,
we begged and pleaded for him to quit...
he took his gun, put a bullet in his head...
but it was alcohol and drugs that killed him dead...
another best friend, our precious Josh,
no one was nicer, to him my son looked up...
he was an example of what a young man should be,
was a dear, sweet friend to my son and me.
one night he was drinking, a friendly drunk,
he threw up in some crazy dudes pick-up truck,
three guys beat him unconscious, then threw him in the back,
drove around and partied...he died like that...
then there was Erin, wild as could be,
best friends with my son, and like a son to me,
he overdosed, on alcohol and drugs,
stayed in a coma for several months,
many a time, i prayed over his bed,
he was so damn lucky he wasn't dead,
he finally came too, but he's not the same,
there was lots of damage done, to his brain,
after several surgeries, he walks with a limp,
yeah he's still using every chance he gets...
finally heard from my son, he's pretty beaten down,
i can only pray that he'll come around.
no place to live, in real bad shape,
i told him that i loved him...ever and always,
asked him if he was ready, to give up the stuff,
that i would be here for him, when he'd had enough,
one day at a time, turning it over,
the grace of God, keeping him sober,
going to meetings, working the steps,
the only other options are jail and death...
he knows the deal...and it's up to him...
gonna hit my knees, turn him over again...
tlcoriginals...

defining God...ourselves...and the world around us...

2008-07-14T14:51:00.003-06:00

i was in a meeting this past friday night, filled with recovering drunks at different levels in their recovery, and the topic of faith and God was the focus…

it is very humbling to be brought back down to the reality of what is, and know that regardless of whether we understand it or not, able to define it or not, there is a force within us, that is tapped into when our little wants and desires get out of the way, and we allow it to happen.

i can remember very early in my recovery, using the serenity prayer saved me from going insane…it has helped me grow emotionally and see things more clearly.

when we can see things clearly, and not allow our awareness to be clouded by emotional and mental confusion, we can make more intelligent, and healthier decisions based on reality.

the God of my understanding has changed drastically, but this is due to the fact that although we as humans are limited, what we call God, is not…and when we become willing and allow ourselves to be open to change, change finds us as the universe unfolds itself before us, moment by moment, with wisdom and joyful grace, allowing us to dance in harmony with.

this magnificent all creating force breathed into being all that there is, and because ofthat, all that there is, is touched by it, even if that touch of divinity is not understood.

as we struggle to define ourselves, each other, and the world and universe we occupy, in the context of that creative force that we are not seperate from, we must remember to just…breath and be…without all the mental distractions and emotional attachments that limit…and instead, allow that creative force to define us with truth, in every moment anew…only then can we break down the barriors that prevent us from being free.

it's a process…a journey…filled with joy in the midst of sorrow, as our very life path unveils it's own awareness awakening…

starlightjustfortoday...

grace is giving birth...

2008-07-08T21:35:00.003-06:00

i take responsibility, for all that has to do with me,
the chaos in my head, when i want peace instead...
depression is a trigger, that tells me something needs to change,
my very thinking pushes me, into rearrange,
so many compartments, emotions they are there to feel,
repressing them is not healthy, keeps me from what is real...
where does courage come from? why this need to be fulfilled?
who set the rainbow in the sky? and gave me pain to feel?
this craziness is just a path, one of discovery...
awakening to what i am, and what i'll always be...
don't need your religion, or your guilt based control beliefs,
don't need your god to worship, i tell you now i'm free...
i dance upon my light of day, bring joy to my own soul,
the struggles that i face, worked through and then let go...
how to explain the sunset, the colors dance across the sky,
there has to be a source supreme, life blood of you and i...
calling it awareness, or consciousness if you prefer,
the God of your own understanding, grace is giving birth...
tlcoriginals...

StarLight Dancing...

Sometimes in Sobriety...

2008-07-04T15:59:00.005-06:00

when everything is going great, you can still experience overwhelming periods of sadness...out of seemingly nowhere...

just an update...my life is wonderful...i love sobriety...

the relationships with my family are awesome...my wonderful Mother and Sister are so kind and loving...my children are terrific...

just spent three weeks with my daughter and grandchildren; had a marvelous time...she is happy...with a new job and excitement of her upcoming wedding...we picked out dresses, and did some planning...had an amazing time...children really 'keep you in the moment'...lol

when i returned home, i ended up spending some time with my Mother and Sister at their home; it went really well...i was so impressed with the overall visit...

then i came home, and spent the weekend with my Son, who has over four months sobriety, and is doing very well, working with his sponsor, and learning to live life on it's own terms...i have my son back...for which i am so grateful...

so, when on Sunday, after working with another alcoholic, sharing my experience, strength, and hope, i had to wonder what was going on, when i was overwhelmed with a blueness, that lingers still...she was a mirror of my past...

one thing i find myself realizing...still...is that all life, in and of itself, is a mirror...

we cannot know joy, without knowing sorrow...

the potential goal, i suppose...is to experience whatever it is that you are going through...don't get trapped there...by disisively accepting or rejecting...whatever...and look at what can be learned by every experience you have...

live freely in whatever your Universe unfolds...continuously...in the moment...

similtaneously...

joy can dance within sadness...

tears can cry through laughter...

strength is stronger having gone through pain...

share your experience, strength, and hope...with another...

recovery is hope...

chaos is the very energy of peace...

starlightjustfortoday...

let angels cry...

2008-07-04T15:01:00.000-06:00

tears are water for the soul,
greif cannot be contained...
the sun shines there beyond the clouds,
so dear one, let it rain...
pain is the stepping stone of grace,
feel and know it's depth...
you must be empty to be filled,
your very life, a gift...
overwhelming sorrow,
gives birth to joy beyond...
nature releases all that's held,
and waves it's magic wand...
soon your soul is singing,
in harmony with truth,
let angels cry, through your eyes,
true nature's way to sooth...
tlcoriginals...

Happy Birthday To Me...

2008-05-07T00:01:00.002-06:00

Two years ago today, I began this journey...I am reminded of where I began, and how far I have come...I love sobriety...I love this new freedom that I have found...and I thank God for the gift of grace, to walk this path of freedom, learning every step of the way, to better live life on it's own terms, and to be the responsible human being, that I was born to be...it continues to be an awesome journey; many relationships that are dear to me have been repaired; my health has returned...emotionally, mentally, and physically...I am so thankful for those that God put into my life, that have helped me on this journey...and although it has happened one day at a time, sometimes, one moment at a time, I now have two years sober...today...and I am happy, joyous, and free from the addiction that enslaved me for so many years. May all that are bound by addiction, break free this very moment, and begin a new life, a new journey, and walk the path that really goes somewhere...

justfortoday...star...

so blessed...

2008-03-15T14:58:00.003-06:00

my son showed up on my doorstep today; 24 days clean...he is doing very well in drugcourt, and i am very proud and happy that he is learning to live sober and be responsible for his own behaviour one day at a time. we laughed and cried together today, and i felt that not only did i have my true son back, but he has his true mother.

i am soooooooooooooo grateful to drugcourt and all that God's many angels do to help those afflicted with the dis-ease of addiction. if you are still out there suffering, there is a way through it...reach out and get help, and one moment at a time...turn your life around!

starlightjustfortoday...

Gratitude...

2008-02-12T20:21:00.000-06:00

I love sobriety...anyone that does not love it, is not living it...

I have so much to be grateful for. I had a chance to look back at myself yesterday to about two years ago when all this began...the fear and pain I experienced then is nothing compared now to the happiness and freedom I live every day presently. My son is now in drugcourt, and even though I know by experience that he has a painful process to go through, I also know that he has a chance now to learn how to live his life, and be a responsible adult, free of the dis-ease and horror of being enslaved and trapped by drug and alcohol addiction. The pain and fear I saw in his eyes yesterday, tugged at my heart, and what I was looking at was my own pain and suffering that has since been turned into a healthy and happy existence. I just got home from a meeting...there was so much laughter and happiness in this room filled with a bunch of drunks, many still recoverying, and many that have recovered from a seemingly hopeless state of mind...this deal is doable...I mean for real...I am now a published author! I mean in less then two years, I have seen myself climb from the very depths of despair, from losing everything, even my freedom, to being an emotional stable human being, learning how to make healthy decisions, and being a responsible adult. I am even considering a relationship. LOL...a healthy one at that! Awesome stuff indeed...life's a trip, and a sober life, is a trip to heaven...

starlight, justfortoday...

"StarLight Dancing"

2008-01-23T15:12:00.003-06:00

My new book is now on sale online!

http://www.amazon.com/StarLight-Dancing/dp/1604745150/ref

"StarLight Dancing"

i hope that you enjoy!

always, star...

Happy, Happy, New Year!

2008-01-07T13:02:00.000-06:00

Today marks 20 months of sobriety for me...yeah! What a way to start the New Year huh? I enjoyed a very peaceful evening at home...not that there were not plenty of things I could have done; recovery is full of fun people...parties, dinners, and dances...but I really wanted to just stay in and watch movies and snack out, and that is exactly what I did...I actually have choices today...

This looks to be a wonderful year for me; I have a book coming out; should be able to purchase it by the end of this month. I am finally going to be a published author! Amazing! It is my first book of poetry, the first of a trilogy really. "StarLight Dancing" is the title. I will keep my blogs updated with the info, but it should be available online, through Publish America, by the end of January. Hope you all will enjoy it; it is a labor of love, and a journey of awakening...

I love sobriety!

starlightjustfortoday...

another sober Christmas...

2007-12-25T08:22:00.000-06:00

and it is awesome...it is just so wonderful not to be a slave to alcohol and drugs anymore, or anything else for that matter...no matter what life brings, and life is life, and eventually it's gonna bring it, but by staying sober, the peace that sobriety brings, can never be taken...

Merry Christmas...may you all be blessed with recovery...from anything and everything that stands between you and peace...

starlightjustfortoday...

surrender and accept...

2007-12-04T14:24:00.000-06:00

sometimes this is the only thing one can do...when the world is unfolding, and my mind wants to question, and i am in that uncomfortable space of dis-ease...all that can be done is to pray for the willingness to be willing...surrender everything to the Universe...and accept that all is as it is...even my own dis-ease...

sometimes the hardest thing to do is the easiest...what ever is in front of me...lol...i guess i still sometimes just don't want to do those dirty dishes!

getting up and doing something different other than sitting in ones stew is a matter of just doing it!

starlightjustfortoday...

drama...

2007-11-30T20:50:00.000-06:00

the holidays have their own drama going on...especially where dysfunctional families are concerned, but emotional sobriety means learning not to buy into it. it is not always easy when making healthy decisions; old habits, where loved ones are concerned don't die easy. the healthier you become, the easier it gets to recognize when the bs is starting to get serious. it helps to remember, that you can just say no. today it is very important that sobriety comes first. i do not have to participate in insanity...but, participating in my recovery is a must...and sometimes that means letting go of unhealthy relationships...so be it...sobriety comes first...and since i can only be responsible for my own recovery...ultimately my decisions must be based on that...

remember...if drama is really what you want...watch tnt...at least that way, you can turn it off with the touch of a button!

starlightjustfortoday...

turkey day!

2007-11-21T20:06:00.000-06:00

another thanksgiving sober, and for that i am very thankful...learning how to make healthy decisions about life today; lol...sobriety is a life long journey taken one day at a time...it is an adventure; there is still much about life on life's terms that i haven't a clue about...sometimes i feel like a little girl still...learning about this and that...and it always boils down to surrender...to the Universe...and just do what ever is in front of me to do...i don't like making decisions...like should i go here or there for turkey dinner...lol...but, am learning how to do just that on a larger scale these days...keeping it simple...

starlightjustfortoday...

reminded...

2007-11-10T13:46:00.000-06:00

when i 'think' i know what is good or bad for me or someone else...i am thinking with the same mind that got me drunk. the truth of the moment is only true in the moment...if i have truly surrendered my ego/self to the Universe, then whatever is unfolding is what is suppose to be unfolding in that moment...when i accept that i am NOT in charge...peace of beingness flows naturally, and since i am not caught up in the illusion or dellusion of the drama of the moment...true nature is then effortless and natural...

what a way to live! awesomeness of being in GRACE...

starlightjustfortoday...

OMG>>>18 months today!

2007-11-07T01:44:00.000-06:00

i love sobriety...i love life...cannot imagine it being any other way...am so grateful to grace and the many ways it has always been there and carried me to right now...this very moment...awesome!

starlightjustfortoday

do...

2007-10-27T17:40:00.001-06:00

what is indicated in the moment...what is natural...to do...be present...NOW...

starlightjustfortoday...

if...

2007-10-27T17:36:00.000-06:00

you are still trying to control it, manipulate it, fix it, or change it in any way...you are not letting go and letting it happen...the way it is suppose too...

the Universe is unfolding NOW...look...see...be...

starlightjustfortoday...

addicted to the idea of addiction...

2007-10-21T19:56:00.000-06:00

somewhere along the way, we may get sidetracked and become addicted to the idea of being sick...instead of actively participating in our own recovery...which requires making healthier decisions...and choosing recovery...

we can get stuck, no matter how much time we have clean...back into ego/self...wanting what we want right now...

it is very important to understand that the problem is not alcohol and drugs...

the problem centers in our minds...

the problem is our minds...

letting go of all old ideas...ego/self...and acceptance of what is...

is a process that has been proven to be successful when one willingly takes these 12 steps...

the only thing between me and you and me and God...is ego...

get out of God's way...turn ego over...surrender...NOW...

start making healthier decisions...

starlightjustfortoday...

Having had a spiritual awakening...

2007-10-21T19:40:00.000-06:00

as the result of these steps...

there are 12 steps...

to Utopia...

which is the result as it is described by those that claimed to have recovered...

the spiritual awakening...is a promise...recovery is a promise...to be happy, joyous, and free...is a promise...you will comprehend serenity, and you will know peace...

these are only a few of the promises...

of this great, spiritual awakening...

wake up...and live life...and recover from this seemingly hopeless state of body and mind...

there is a solution...

starlightjustfortoday...

there is a solution...

2007-10-20T11:13:00.000-06:00

turning ego over...surrendering it to a power greater than it...is the solution...

God as i understand...is consciousness...awareness...awakeness...

the big book calls God the Spirit of the Universe...it is ALL things...and in God all things move and have their being...

if you are not in the solution...you are in the problem...

if i am not the problem...there can be no solution...

which will you choose to be right now?

problem or solution?

turn ego/you over to the Spirit of Universe...

and be the true Self in grace...

starlightjustfortoday...

you can recover...

2007-10-16T14:40:00.000-06:00

from this seeming hopeless condition...

don't let anyone tell you that you can't...

there are those that recover...and those that stay sick...which will you be?

"RARELY HAVE we seen a person fail who has thoroughly followed our path." (big book/how it works)

choose the path of recovery...NOW...

starlightjustfortoday...

memories of drug court...

2007-10-11T12:47:00.000-06:00

i can remember a time early on in my recovery, that the judge point blank told me to mind my own business...at the time i was very upset by this, since i believed i was right in my assertations...i was living in a halfway house, where it seemed everyone but me was using...

when i am looking at your shit...i aint looking at mine...

and this lesson has come back to me many times since...and am sure that it will continue to do so...

it is none of my business what you do or say...and as long as i keep my own side of the street clean...then i wont be trudging in anyone elses shit!

thanx drug court...

starlightjustfortoday...

17 months...yeah!

2007-10-09T13:12:00.000-06:00

sunday i had exactly 17 months clean and sober...and was reminded by a mirror put in front of me...where exactly i was when that happened...i was bankrupt...physically, spiritually, and emotionally...and what else this mirror did for me, was to remind me that i could go back to that real easy if i do not continue to put sobriety first...that little prayer to the right and down a bit from this post...is still my morning ritual...although it is grace that keeps me sober...i must stay in grace...

starlightjustfortoday...

staying in the day...

2007-10-07T18:51:00.000-06:00

and what a day it has been...lots of laughter, lots of tears, lots of life being lived in the moment...and through it all, lots of us drunks and druggies stayed sober...don't use and go to a meeting...hit your knees, call your sponsor, read the big book, work the steps, thank your higher power at night...ask for help...go on...pick up that 900 lb phone...ASK FOR HELP! then follow suggestions...it is really simple...do you want stay sober or do you want to use? one day at a time...by grace...

starlightjustfortoday....

living in the NOW...

2007-10-06T12:54:00.000-06:00

walking through what i have to walk through...and left the pain of yesterday...nothing has changed except...i got through to the other side...am in acceptance...and that is a wonderful place to be...fixing to go to a meeting...taking care of me...am very grateful for sobriety and recovery right NOW...and no matter what life brings to me...i can stay sober with God's grace...and just doing the deal! this is where freedom IS...and I AM...peace.

starlightjustfortoday...

and then life slaps you...

2007-10-05T22:35:00.000-06:00

someone i love is out there...struggling, not even knowing what it is he is struggling with...my son...am feeling the pain, and walking through it...there is nothing else to do except turn him over...let go and let God...and accept whatever happens today...

i am grateful today for my own sobriety...and even though i know the possibilities of survival out there in active addiction are not promising, he does know about recovery...of course so did i and i stayed out there for years...and had to be forced into it with jail and drug court...right now all i can do is love him and pray for God's will in his life...

took care of me, and went to a meeting, as i do every day...am again experiencing step one...the absolute powerlessness of this disease...it is only by grace that i am sober today...

life on life's terms is not easy sometimes...but it is doable without a drink or a drug...and that would only make things much worse than they already are...soooooooooo...i am at peace about it...but i am still a mother in pain...and today, that is ok...it is just where i am...and where i am suppose to be...

starlightjustfortoday...

Universe unfolding...

2007-10-05T13:32:00.000-06:00

without my help! lol...no expectations today...what a slice of heaven that is! it is so amazing when ego steps the hell out of the way...awareness is...* is smiling...and dancing in the magical world of sobriety...wanna dance?

starlightjustfortoday...

working with others...staying sober...

2007-10-03T10:03:00.000-06:00

there is nothing like working with other drunks and druggies to keep this drunk and druggy sober...one day at a time...

this is the main reason that the program works...you cannot keep it unless you give it back...

starlightjustfortoday...

sought through prayer and meditation...

2007-09-30T12:56:00.000-06:00

this...in actuality is communion with your higher self...and if just practiced can bring overwhelming, wonder full results...there is power in this step...the 11th step...

praying only for the knowledge of God's will and the power to carry it out...

amazing stuff!

it works!

starlightjustfortoday...

a higher power...

2007-09-28T10:03:00.000-06:00

the only requirement...is a desire to stop using...

of course, eventually i realized that using was not really my problem...my problem was me! once i stopped using, it became obvious that i did not like myself very much...and wanted to change, but how? i could not even stop using without divine intervention...

'lack of power' was really my problem...

i had to come to believe in a power greater than me...

i was pretty fed up with my god by the time i got sober...so i was ok with the idea of a new concept...the old one just did not work...and so, the thought of a power, a conscious power, that was in control of everything was just what the doctor ordered!

today, my higher power is out the box of mental concepts...infinite, unknown, and all powerful...

when i just allow everything to be as it is...my higher power can and does work through me...all things through the grace of conscious being...

starlightjustfortoday...

moment for today...

2007-09-28T09:06:00.000-06:00

September 28

Going back to old habits is like revisiting familiar places.

Even though our old habits may be bad for us, we know what to expect for the most part, and they are comfortable. Change is unknown territory, and can be very frightening. That is why slipping back into old behavior is so common—even when it is self-destructive.

Moment by moment, I will ask God to help me discover a more perfect me, and learn to be at home there.

tlcoriginals...

progress not perfection...

2007-09-27T11:53:00.000-06:00

we claim spiritual progress...

there is such freedom in living one day at a time...keeping oneself centered and anchored in their higher power...always pausing in that stillness of conscious contact...the answers will come naturally...and you will intuitively know how to handle situations that use to baffle you...(B.B.)

being comfortable in one's own being is a gift of grace and sobriety...just knowing that all is as it is suppose to be...is also a gift...meeting the universe with this knowing, is in and of itself a breath of peace...just for today...i am that breath...

sobriety rocks! always, star.

Moment for Today...

2007-09-26T10:41:00.000-06:00

Have you yearned desperately in your heart for something, gotten it, and then latter realized it was not what you thought it would be?

When we were small, and Christmas would come, we always expected to get what we had asked Santa to bring. When we got what we wanted, we were at first exhilarated. Soon, however, we were over the initial feeling, and easily tired of what ever it was. Lasting happiness does not come from things external. No one or no thing can give us that inward peace and contentment that comes from within our own spirit. The only thing that permanently fills that emptiness inside is God and His love.

Moment by moment, I will yearn for God’s Kingdom, and He will supply my every need.

tlcoriginals...from my little book of moments

Suggestions from a friend...

2007-09-25T10:54:00.000-06:00

Breathe in,
Breathe out.
Don't think,
Don't Drink.
Go to meetings,
Get a Sponsor.
Read the Big Book.
Don't take a drink even if you think your ass is gonna fall off!
And if it does, put it in a paper bag and take it to a meeting!
Just don't drink or drug.
(Tolar Bryant)

thanx j...

always, star.

thinking verses doing...

2007-09-25T10:46:00.000-06:00

"I cannot think my way into right living...must live my way into right thinking."

(Chuck C. {New Pair Of Glasses})

Not only is this from one of my favorite recovery books, this is also one of my favorite sayings.

When you are all caught up in your head...get up and do something different! It is just that simple! You will soon find that Heaven is just a new pair of glasses! (Father Ed)

starlightjustfortoday...

Today...

2007-09-24T12:48:00.000-06:00

Today is the first day of the rest of your life.

Right here...right now...is all we have...yesterday has come and gone...tomorrow never comes...

Live...today...

star...

waking up...

2007-09-22T11:49:00.000-06:00

the greatest thing about waking up in the morning, or late morning...(lol), is that you wake up without a hangover...

there is another kind of hangover however; it is an emotional one. if we acted in ways that are inharmonious to our recovery the day before, we will surely feel it in our being upon awakening.

now that recovery is less about the drugs and alcohol, and more about our emotional reactions and behaviour, it presents a chance for us to really look within ourselves with that rigorous honesty that is the tool to recreating our lives now.

we must 'get right' with ourselves and our 'higher power' before we can truly 'get right' with another...

as we continue practicing self-honesty, and work on us...amazing things start to happen...we begin to be a part of, instead of apart...we begin to care for others in a genuine way, and we think less of ourselves...and we inevitably intuit that the Spirit of the Universe is definitely doing for us what we cannot do for ourselves...

we begin laughing more, losing ourselves in service to others...

this does not mean that we do not take care of ourselves...every morning is spent in prayer and meditation to improve our contact with that power greater than ourselves...however; we have come to believe that God knows what is best for us, and so we leave the things we cannot change to God...and just go and wash those dirty dishes!

starlightjustfortoday...

being IT...

2007-09-20T12:23:00.000-06:00

grace and gratitude...essence of being...

justfortoday...

always, star...

doing 'stuff' differently...

2007-09-18T09:26:00.000-06:00

this is what life today is all about in recovery...

change, change, and more change!

use too...i did not like change...unless of course i was uncomfortable where i was...and in the beginning of my sobriety...anything was better than where i was, so i pretty much enjoyed that pink cloud i was on!

life is an adventure...an awesome awakening to what is...

i use to hate waking up...and getting out of bed in the mornings...so, i would sleep till late morning...and still did not want to get up!

here recently, been doing some stuff differently, and have been waking up early...and in a pleasant frame of mind! go figure!

just more evidence that this recovery 'stuff' really does work!

justfortoday...star...*smiles