Surrender...

It's been a minute since I posted anything on this blog...but in case you're wondering...yeah, I am still clean and sober! I am coming up on four years, and more than ever I am realizing that it is all about surrender...my life is so much better when I don't try and fight reality...life on life's terms...better to go with the flow of things...

Turns out, I have to have some serious surgeries...don't worry though...I have ceased fighting everything...life is good...even in the midst of pain...there is joy...so you kiddies be good now...and think some good thoughts for me...and I will try and update this blog on a more regular basis...

Just for Today...

much love, Star...

Happy Holidays...

It's been a while since I blogged here, but I wanted to touch base and just say that staying sober is a lot of work, and it is especially hard during the holidays.

Seems like everyone is having parties, and everyone is drinking. It is easy to be fooled and start romancing the idea of drinking again.

However, if you are as seriously an alcoholic as I am, and are honest, then it becomes very clear that it is not a wise option. I might not have gotten drunk every time I drank, but I never knew when alcohol would ignite something within my chemical make-up, and cause me to act irresponsibly, where I could neither stop drinking once I begin, nor could I control my behavior after that craving took over and I continued to drink past the point of return...

I have been hanging out with family and friends, and that has made it easier. My son almost has two years as well now, and many of my close friends are in recovery. Today it is still real simple for me, not easy sometimes, but real simple. If I don't pick up I won't get drunk.

I hope everyone stays safe this holiday weekend...may you all be filled with your own joy...

always, Star...

Wonder~Filled Magic...

What is this wonder~filled magic...

That transforms our sorrow to joy...

Like a rainbow that opens its ribbon of sky...

Lets awareness peek in...flies passion so high...

Lifts all the blue...reveals color instead...

Raising our energy...when it is near dead...

Turns tears to laughter...frowning to smiles...

Allowing for bliss...wearing beauty awhile...

Tapping into this magical flow...

Nothing is held...and nothing’s let go...

Yet Joy of Being is dancing in rain...

Amidst all the sorrow...amidst all the pain...

Being opens space, for energy that’s free...

Dancing in time...knowing can breathe...

Wonder~filled magic...born on gratitudes wing...

Opening space in mind...for times heart to sing...

Accepting this magic...this knowing as real...

Opens experience, joy of being...to feel...

A shifting of mind...

Brings an opening of heart...

Where joy can create...

Nourishing all parts...

So grateful for wonder~filled magic...

That transforms our sorrow to joy...

Lets awareness peek in...flies passion so high...

Like a rainbow that opens its ribbon of sky...

Starlight Dancing...

More Will Be Revealed...

In time we have to say goodbye

And leave the past behind...

Move into the future

Where the past cannot still bind...

As you deal with 'Once Upon A Time'

Your psyche it will heal...

You'll need to pay attention

To the magic life reveals...

Don't stay in cages of yesterday...

Recovery wont stand still...

There's lots of beauty, lots of growing,

Time's yet to reveal...

If you get stuck in the sickness...

It is probable you wont get well...

Remember it takes a new pair of glasses

To distinguish heaven from hell...

Learn to live the moment...

Peace and freedom is there...

And happiness is yours to live...

By climbing your life stairs...

Dance along this journey...

Filled with joy you can be healed...

Gratitude for a second chance...

More will be revealed...

Starlightjustfortoday...

choices...

Seems like it has been forever since I blogged here...and lately, this choice thing keeps coming up. When I was using, I didn't have any choice but to keep on using. Something to do with that mental obsession and phenomena of physical craving that always happened once the drug, whatever drug it happened to be at the time, entered my system.

Today, I have a choice to drink or not drink. At least that is how I understand it...but is even that choice, only by grace? I suppose I could get hit over the head or get stuck on stupid at anytime and go back to my old ways of thinking and behaving, but not today...lol...there are those that claim that the 'God' of their understanding keeps them sober, and still others that claim that 'not picking up' keeps them sober...who is right? Maybe there is truth in both.

Of course there are those that claim we don't have any choices and that we are just puppets of our own conditioning...whether that be the conditioning that led us into addiction in the first place, or the recovery conditioning that we use to stay sober...

If I say it is God that keeps me sober, then it seems to me that that relieves me of any responsibility for my own recovery, and we KNOW that is not accurate. If I were to go back out, believe you me the blame would be on me not God and not the devil...so, if I don't go back out, is that not saying something about the healthy choices I have learned to make? Bottom line might be grace...but I have to walk in that grace and make decisions and act on those decisions accordingly.

Another thing I question is that if it is only this power greater than my self that keeps me sober, then why was I chosen and not so many others that have not been chosen or that have already died? Is this power a respector of persons? I don't think I will ever have the answer to that. It is a mystery.

Regardless, I am sober to day and very grateful that I am...I do believe it is by grace, but not by some God that sits in judgment on some throne in someplace up in the sky called heaven. The God of my understanding is awareness...and that too is a choice...or is it? Am I a puppet to the God of Awareness? LOL...well, it's working for me, so if it aint broke, don't try to fix it!

And having said that, if any other way works, wonderful!

Starlightjustfortoday...

Being honest with ourselves...

Sometimes it is so difficult to be honest with ourselves.  We do not see ourselves as others see us, and it is painful to admit to being mentally, emotionally, and spiritually ill.  It seems we fight it at every turn.   It is in working with others that I find out the most about myself, and while I may be recovered from this seemingly hopeless state of body, mind, and spirit, and have regained a sense of emotional stability and sobriety, I am still learning how to live life on its own terms, and sometimes it is very difficult to accept the realities of this dis-ease and the suffering and distruction it continues to cause, many times in the lives of those I love and I am trying to help.  I am learning to have a deeper compassion for others that are unable to be honest with themselves, and gratitude for my own recovery, and an ever emerging willingness to be of service to others in any way that I can.   With this however, I must also adopt a degree of detachment.  Balancing compassion with emotional stability is something I am learning to do.  Realizing how powerless I continue to be over people, places, and things is sobering in its own right.  The only thing I can change is me.  

always, star...

Journey of Recovery...three years sober today!

If someone had told me three years ago when those iron doors slammed shut with me trapped on the other side how wonder-filled my life would be today...I never would have believed them, nor would I have been able to understand even a fraction of the joy of Being that I now am filled with on a regular basis...

I was irritable, restless, and discontent, and I used people, places, and things to make me ‘feel’ better, or usually just to obliterate any feelings what-so-ever.  I ran from every one and everything, unless of course you had what I needed, or was what I needed...If you were a drug or a drink or an avenue to get them, you were my lover and my best friend...if you were standing in the way of what I wanted, I had no use for you and you were history...just like that...

I was not one of those kinds of people that threw their hands up and surrendered, and became willing to do things differently.  I loved doing things my way...still do...LOL...I loved getting high.  I loved to drink.  I loved the feeling of elation that it gave.  I loved the fact that my back and neck injuries did not bother me as much when I was using, and I felt on top of the world.  I could do everything that I was ‘suppose’ to do when I was under the influence.  I could play with my children, make love to my man, make time for my extended families and friends, create my music and art, dance, sing, cook and clean, interact with others...alcohol and drugs enabled me to live and lead a ‘normal’ life...until they stopped working...I was super-woman...until I fell from the sky and life shattered me into a zillion pieces...

When those doors slammed shut, I think I knew the gig was up.  The first few days were awful, as you might imagine.  Not only was I withdrawing from a lot of drugs, most of them legal perscriptions, but reality was also beginning to sink in...my family had turned their backs on me...I had no one to turn to anymore.  No one was coming to rescue me.   I had burned all of my bridges and my magic carpet had been pulled out from beneath me...I finally had to get honest with me and look at myself...I had finally run out of places to run...there was nowhere to hide anymore, and nothing left to hide behind...I had lost everything, and I do mean EVERYTHING...and everyone had forsaken me...there was nothing left for me to do except...surrender...

This was the beginning of freedom...this was the beginning of joy...this was the beginning of happiness...I need not look or search any further for heaven or Utopia...I have it right here on earth...my journey is one that continues to amaze me...my experience deepens with beauty and awe and wonder as I continue to open myself to this ‘spiritual way of Being’...

I am filled with such gratitude today...I am surrounded by people who REALLY love me...all my relationships with family members have been healed, and I have new relationships that are blossoming into healthy and happy friendships...I am constantly amazed at how wonder-filled my life continues to be...even in the face of difficulty...I have what I was always looking for in other people, places, and things...in all my searching, I found Jesus’  Kingdom of Heaven within me and all around me...and I am truly blessed with the peace that passes all understanding...and even Buddha’s bliss...the steps along this journey of recovery have been a path to freedom for me that began with surrender, willingness and honesty...and I am filled with appreciation for all that went before me...sharing their experience, strength, and hope...so that I can now experience this wonder-filled life...I have been given a design for living...a second chance...my feet were put upon a path that really goes somewhere...and I am so jazzed about sobriety and all that has been given me because of it...I have recovered from a seemingly hopeless state of body, mind, and spirit...my life rocks!

much love and joy to all...always, star...