like a little child that wanders out into the street not knowing the dangers there...that is how we start off...then it becomes a matter of us not paying attention to the dangers...or ignoring them...b/c out in the middle of the street is what we want...some shiny thing, or something that we think is going to make us happy...and so, we blind ourselves to any consequences, and become obsessed with getting the shiny thing...no matter what the dangers...we are invincible...or so we delusionally think...and over and over again we risk everything to get the shiny thing that we delusionally think will make everything alright...
trunuf...i had physical injuries that needed to be addressed...but looking back, i never took the advice of my doctors and physical therapist...oh i pretended to for a time...to get the shiny thing...which in my case, at that time, was the narcotics....give me, give me, give me, and give me some more...ONE WAS ALWAYS TO MANY; A THOUSAND WAS NEVER ENOUGH...and so, my injuries never healed...and then when i took the pills, well they made me feel normal, and i thought i could do anything, talk about a clean house...LOL...i was superwoman, or so i thought, and so, not only did i not do what was necessary to heal what injuries i had, i compounded the problem by adding stress to the injuries and in fact made them worse! i needed more shiny things...LOL
now this is a physical problem i am speaking of, that becomes also an emotional and mental problem...but you can take any problem and follow it to this end...
when i met jo online several years ago...i was convinced that he was my prince charming...he was going to save me from myself, and if i could just move away from here, go be with him, everything was going to be alright...he was my shiny thing...(pills and alcohol and yes, illegal drugs had stopped working)...i refused to see the warning signs, and looking back, there were many...but i ignored them...i was convinced that he was my soul-mate, my one true love...and i proceeded to go out into the middle of the FREEWAY and play in traffic...i was running away from myself...escaping my own reality any way that i could...and i had to eventually take responsibility for that and stop blaming the cars on the freeway...afterall, the cars are just doing what they are suppose to be doing right?
we can take the metaphor a little further...it doesn't mean i can never cross the street...it just means that i must learn how to cross the street...where to cross the street...to look both ways before crossing...etc...I HAD TO LEARN HOW TO MAKE HEALTHY DECISIONS...IN ALL ASPECTS OF MY LIFE...(i am still learning)...
WHEN WE KNOW BETTER...WE CAN DO BETTER...ALL IT TAKES IS THE WILLINGNESS TO BE HONEST AND THE COURAGE TO DO SOMETHING DIFFERENT...
of course, the first one was to stop using...then to get honest with myself, and clean house...taking all my garbage out and disposing of it properly...and looking at what could and could not be recycled...that is basically what we are doing with this fourth step...taking inventory of ourselves...but when we begin to really see how everything we have done has led us to here...then we begin to actually be able to make healthy choices intuitively...by doing what is in front of us to do...with my higher power within, which i choose to call awareness, and my self-will out of the way, i do what the universe unfolds and puts in front of me to do...right now, it is lots and lots of stretching...LOL...i have ignored my physical health for so long, that now it is requiring a lot of attention...but that is ok...it is what it is...and i am already reaping benefits...i am breathing much better...and that is way cool! and my body is moving better, and it feels good...even breathing and moving through the pain feels good...cause i am moving and breathing THROUGH it...
anyways, the program of recovery is not about blame...blaming others or blaming ourselves...it is about taking responsibility and moving forward...whether or not i caused everything to go wrong in my life or not is not the point...whether or not there were cars out there that hit me on purpose or not is not the point...to use the metaphor again...the point is that today, i know better than to go and play in traffic...now that does not mean that a car might now jump the curb and hit me...LIFE HAPPENS...WE CANNOT CONTROL THAT...but when life does happen, if we are thinking realistically and logically, we have a great chance of making healthy decisions that do affect the outcome...for the better...
what am i saying? IF I AM NOT THE PROBLEM, THERE IS NO SOLUTION...
all these resentments you have written down and are looking at...are to bring you to the point of where you can look at them and honestly see that no matter what any one else seemingly did or did not do to you...to move forward...you must take responsibility for your feelings, your thoughts, your beliefs, and your actions...you must continue to look honestly at them...accept what you cannot change...and be willing to have the courage to change what you can...sometimes, it is just acquiring a new pair of glasses...iow...changing our thinking, letting go of our old ideas, opening up to new perspectives...lol...but it also always, always, requires action and more action...and sometimes that action is...EASY DOES IT!
look at your part in these resentments...how was it that you actually allowed things to happen that happened? ask yourself why you allowed it...look at why you were in that particular situation in the first place...MOST OF THE TIME, WE WALK RIGHT INTO OUR LIVES...AND WE CAN WALK RIGHT OUT...AND CHOOSE TO WALK ANOTHER WAY...but sometimes we are just there...and life happens...AND WE MUST WALK THROUGH LIFE AS IT HAPPENS...SOMETIMES WE HAVE TO FACE TROUBLES HEAD ON...BUT MOST TIMES...WHEN TROUBLE COMES ALONG...WE GET THE HELL OUT OF THE WAY AND LET IT PASS! LOL
every choice we make brings consequences...including the choices we don't make...the friends we chose, choosing to go eat dinner with our mom, what we chose to eat might make us sick that day, being around our mom might make us nutty lol...we have to begin paying attention to the universe as it unfolds...especially our bodies...b/c, we have neglected them for so long, they need our attention...and there is much that is available for us today...many times it just means...PHYSICIAN...HEAL THYSELF...to do that, we go within and tap into that power that is greater than our own self-will-run-riot...and do what is in front of us to do...i gotta go do some more stretches and breathing right now...lol...be filled with your own inner joy...always, star...
starlightjustfortoday....
Friday, October 17, 2008
Wednesday, October 15, 2008
trapped by habitual unhealthy ideas...
i spent most of my life blaming my mother for everything that was wrong in my life...if she had done this, or not done that...then i would have been just fine...
it wasn't until i became familiar with the program of recovery, that i began to see, that i was responsible for my own feelings and beliefs and actions, regardless of how i had been raised, or what my mom did or did not do...i was an adult now...and i needed to grow up...
when i looked into my life deeper with honesty, i began to realize how sick my mom had been as well...and what she had gone through growing up, made me realize too, that she had really done the best she could, and for the most part had tried very hard to raise me with a good moral system, so that i could grow up and be responsible...but b/c she had such a difficult life herself, she also tried to shelter me from the reality of the world...b/c she loved me and did not want my life to be as difficult as her own had been...
in the time my mother was raising me, guilt and control was the food of the day...religion was used to make people conform to society...and my mom's search for spiritual truths, soon became my own...my mom also, being the perfectionist that she is, expected perfection from me, and so i adopted this philosophy of thinking that i actually could be perfect...and i tortured myself with guilt all my life...and then there was the guilt i had of not ever living up to that perfection...
and so, it is not surprising that all my life i felt as if i was performing...and i never knew who i was, b/c i was always trying to be someone else...mix that with all the accidents i had, and sexual abuse, emotional abuse...and you have the makings of an alcoholic/addict...
when i was not escaping through spiritual realms, i found solace in my drink and drugs...i never learned to accept reality...never knew how to live life on life's terms...and so, i was self-will-run-riot...the rebel that i was...and ended up having to bash my head into the same brick wall over and over...until life unfolded and i was stopped dead in my tracks...
it was the best thing that could have happened...i finally had to look at me...and continue to have to do so every single day...
i love recovery...i love my life now...i love being free in this moment and able to look myself in the mirror...and know that i am responsible for me...this program of recovery has helped me to allow other's to be what and who they are...when i apply these principles in all of my affairs, i am filled with serenity...it is only when i get in the way that i have problems...but recovery is a journey...when i see other's through these new glasses...i see that each of us is on our own path...and i am humbled by life and this amazing power of the universe that lives within us all...
and so, i accept that shit happens, and i also accept that yes i made unhealthy decisions...but i also have to accept that everything that happened, brought me to today...and i like today...i love being sober and being responsible...i love this awareness and this awesomeness of life...and i can promise that you will too...
keep doing your work...look at your part...you will begin to see where every decision you made weaved your life...and although you might have been doing the best you could...you will begin to see where today, you can do better...much love and joy...*
starlightjustfortoday...
it wasn't until i became familiar with the program of recovery, that i began to see, that i was responsible for my own feelings and beliefs and actions, regardless of how i had been raised, or what my mom did or did not do...i was an adult now...and i needed to grow up...
when i looked into my life deeper with honesty, i began to realize how sick my mom had been as well...and what she had gone through growing up, made me realize too, that she had really done the best she could, and for the most part had tried very hard to raise me with a good moral system, so that i could grow up and be responsible...but b/c she had such a difficult life herself, she also tried to shelter me from the reality of the world...b/c she loved me and did not want my life to be as difficult as her own had been...
in the time my mother was raising me, guilt and control was the food of the day...religion was used to make people conform to society...and my mom's search for spiritual truths, soon became my own...my mom also, being the perfectionist that she is, expected perfection from me, and so i adopted this philosophy of thinking that i actually could be perfect...and i tortured myself with guilt all my life...and then there was the guilt i had of not ever living up to that perfection...
and so, it is not surprising that all my life i felt as if i was performing...and i never knew who i was, b/c i was always trying to be someone else...mix that with all the accidents i had, and sexual abuse, emotional abuse...and you have the makings of an alcoholic/addict...
when i was not escaping through spiritual realms, i found solace in my drink and drugs...i never learned to accept reality...never knew how to live life on life's terms...and so, i was self-will-run-riot...the rebel that i was...and ended up having to bash my head into the same brick wall over and over...until life unfolded and i was stopped dead in my tracks...
it was the best thing that could have happened...i finally had to look at me...and continue to have to do so every single day...
i love recovery...i love my life now...i love being free in this moment and able to look myself in the mirror...and know that i am responsible for me...this program of recovery has helped me to allow other's to be what and who they are...when i apply these principles in all of my affairs, i am filled with serenity...it is only when i get in the way that i have problems...but recovery is a journey...when i see other's through these new glasses...i see that each of us is on our own path...and i am humbled by life and this amazing power of the universe that lives within us all...
and so, i accept that shit happens, and i also accept that yes i made unhealthy decisions...but i also have to accept that everything that happened, brought me to today...and i like today...i love being sober and being responsible...i love this awareness and this awesomeness of life...and i can promise that you will too...
keep doing your work...look at your part...you will begin to see where every decision you made weaved your life...and although you might have been doing the best you could...you will begin to see where today, you can do better...much love and joy...*
starlightjustfortoday...
Tuesday, October 14, 2008
unpacking pain and the fourth step further...
whether it is emotional or physical pain...pain is what we must look at before we can go beyond it...when we allow someone or something to control us...we are not taking responsibility for ourselves...
while we still have someone or something to blame for our feelings, beliefs, and actions...we are not being honest with ourselves...growing up is taking responsibility for our own feelings, beliefs, and actions...
most of our misery is manufactured...meaning, we allow other's to hurt us...then we get angry and strike back...or we get depressed and withdraw...and this unhealthy cycle of reacting to circumstances becomes habitual...and until we realize this, we are enslaved by the very process that we have come to know as our life...
when we begin to honestly look at our own actions...we begin to see that we did many things that were unhealthy...we can always look around and find other's that are better or worse...but that is just a matter of perception and judgment...in reality...we are all doing the best we can...until we know to do better...those that do not get better, do not have the ability to get honest with themselves...but for the grace of god...there i go...another way of looking at that, is but for this awareness...there i go...
looking at the actions of other's in our life that seemingly did harm to us, opens up our understanding of why people act the way they do...looking at ourselves and our own actions, as they relate to harming others...enables us to understand that we are no different than others...except, we have found a way out of the trap...
when we are able to look at others with compassion, then we can look at ourselves with that same compassion...and realize that everything that happened brought us to today...and in today...we can have freedom through this realization...
and so, sure, life happens, people get hurt...but mostly, we hurt ourselves, and allow other's to hurt us...until we learn how to do otherwise...
the fourth step is part of this process...we learn to take responsibility for our lives today...and we learn through forgiving other's of their ignorance and illnesses, we are also able to forgive ourselves...we also learn that many of our problems were of our own making...and so, we learn to grow the fuck up...and live life on it's own terms...
does this mean we do not feel what we feel? no...we always feel what we feel...that is the only way to heal...but we must begin asking ourselves why we feel what we feel, and what can we do about it...b/c feelings can trap us...and we are stepping through the door of honesty to be free...and so, honestly looking at how we feel and feeling it...we are able to transcend it...and see it for what it is...
most of our resentments if not all, are based in fear...we fear we are not going to get something we want, or we fear we will lose something that we have...when we really begin to look at all these fears in their various forms...and again, get honest...we begin realizing just how much power we don't have...it always comes back to our self-will-run-riot, and our lack of power...and finding a power that is greater than ourselves...
through this process...we begin to intuitively know how to handle situations which use to baffle us...in other words...god is doing for us what we cannot do for ourselves...but one reminder...god will not do for us what we can do for ourselves...and so...we cease fighting...everything...and we accept what is...and we continue to do what is in front of us to do...when we become aware of a more healthy way...we ask for courage to take that way...when we are able to do so...we do...but also remember here...conditioning is habitual...and it is a process to do things differently...and so...we accept this too...
stay in the moment...stay out of your head...and in the solution...
if i am not the problem, there is no solution...when i am disturbed...there is something i am not accepting...and until i become willing to accept all just as it is...i am in fact separating myself from the spirit of life, and the peace and serenity that acceptance brings...but if i am not accepting something...then this is my clue to look beneath the surface...there is something i need to look at honestly within my own being, before i can then move into acceptance...
continue with your fourth step work...eventually the process will become apparent without you having to write it down and look at in in black and white...this may very well already be taking place within your awareness...but continue writing it down for now...
much love and joy...
starlightjustfortoday...
while we still have someone or something to blame for our feelings, beliefs, and actions...we are not being honest with ourselves...growing up is taking responsibility for our own feelings, beliefs, and actions...
most of our misery is manufactured...meaning, we allow other's to hurt us...then we get angry and strike back...or we get depressed and withdraw...and this unhealthy cycle of reacting to circumstances becomes habitual...and until we realize this, we are enslaved by the very process that we have come to know as our life...
when we begin to honestly look at our own actions...we begin to see that we did many things that were unhealthy...we can always look around and find other's that are better or worse...but that is just a matter of perception and judgment...in reality...we are all doing the best we can...until we know to do better...those that do not get better, do not have the ability to get honest with themselves...but for the grace of god...there i go...another way of looking at that, is but for this awareness...there i go...
looking at the actions of other's in our life that seemingly did harm to us, opens up our understanding of why people act the way they do...looking at ourselves and our own actions, as they relate to harming others...enables us to understand that we are no different than others...except, we have found a way out of the trap...
when we are able to look at others with compassion, then we can look at ourselves with that same compassion...and realize that everything that happened brought us to today...and in today...we can have freedom through this realization...
and so, sure, life happens, people get hurt...but mostly, we hurt ourselves, and allow other's to hurt us...until we learn how to do otherwise...
the fourth step is part of this process...we learn to take responsibility for our lives today...and we learn through forgiving other's of their ignorance and illnesses, we are also able to forgive ourselves...we also learn that many of our problems were of our own making...and so, we learn to grow the fuck up...and live life on it's own terms...
does this mean we do not feel what we feel? no...we always feel what we feel...that is the only way to heal...but we must begin asking ourselves why we feel what we feel, and what can we do about it...b/c feelings can trap us...and we are stepping through the door of honesty to be free...and so, honestly looking at how we feel and feeling it...we are able to transcend it...and see it for what it is...
most of our resentments if not all, are based in fear...we fear we are not going to get something we want, or we fear we will lose something that we have...when we really begin to look at all these fears in their various forms...and again, get honest...we begin realizing just how much power we don't have...it always comes back to our self-will-run-riot, and our lack of power...and finding a power that is greater than ourselves...
through this process...we begin to intuitively know how to handle situations which use to baffle us...in other words...god is doing for us what we cannot do for ourselves...but one reminder...god will not do for us what we can do for ourselves...and so...we cease fighting...everything...and we accept what is...and we continue to do what is in front of us to do...when we become aware of a more healthy way...we ask for courage to take that way...when we are able to do so...we do...but also remember here...conditioning is habitual...and it is a process to do things differently...and so...we accept this too...
stay in the moment...stay out of your head...and in the solution...
if i am not the problem, there is no solution...when i am disturbed...there is something i am not accepting...and until i become willing to accept all just as it is...i am in fact separating myself from the spirit of life, and the peace and serenity that acceptance brings...but if i am not accepting something...then this is my clue to look beneath the surface...there is something i need to look at honestly within my own being, before i can then move into acceptance...
continue with your fourth step work...eventually the process will become apparent without you having to write it down and look at in in black and white...this may very well already be taking place within your awareness...but continue writing it down for now...
much love and joy...
starlightjustfortoday...
physical pain...
the truth is, physical pain is a reality...the truth is, i spent years ignoring this, and trying to escape it any way i could...the truth is, until i face it, i will not be able to accept what i cannot change, and change what i can...
looking deeper, i realize that the reason for my anger, was the fact that my financial security was and is still threatened...since one of my injuries was an on-the-job-injury, i have felt that i should have been compensated for that...i should be on easy street...they should be responsible for taking care of my medical needs and my living needs, for the rest of my life...while that may or may not be the case, this has been the way i have seen it...and in a sense, when i continue to blame others, i deny myself from taking responsibility for my own life...and i prevent myself from taking advantage of the many options open to me...for change...
in reality, i was actually not in any shape to have worked the job that i was injured on in the first place...but at the time, i was not aware of this, and was just doing the best that i could do...in truth, i was not using drugs or alcohol, but i was bat-fuck crazy! LOL...i was using religion and spirituality to escape into at the time...and i was very emotionally and mentally ill...
looking back upon it now, sure, there was a lack of responsibility in play several of the times that i was injured...that was not mine...and that needs to be looked at honesty too...however; the main focus of the fourth step is in looking solely at our part...what part did we play...and what can we do about that now...
sometimes the only part we play is the victim...as in the case when i was 5 or 6 and fell 15 or so feet out of a tree landing on my back...the most honest thing i can say about that is that sometimes...SHIT HAPPENS...lol...i went through a period where i blamed god...then i tried to blame that little girl for climbing the tree in the first place...but both of those ideas seem quiet ridiculous to me now...and the truth is, it happened...nothing i can do about that...but there is plenty i can do about now...
then there was the time when as a young teen i was in the deep end of the pool and a couple of very large dudes were rough housing and one pushed the other on top of my head, rupturing my jaw discs, and doing untold damage to my neck and back...adding to the damage that had already been done in the previous fall...there were plenty of people to be mad at i suppose when that happened...because my parents had no insurance, i did not even go to the hospital when it happened...and b/c of the way my mom believed at the time, she did not hold anyone legally responsible...but there again...SHIT HAPPENS...lol...so the only purpose for going back, is to see that...but it always brings me back to right here right now...what can i really do about it NOW...holding on to woulda, shoulda, coulda's...is living in the past where we cannot change a thing...letting go of those, and living in the now...is being awake to what we can do differently to make things better...NOW...
now the next fall, was the one taken on-the-job...i spent a lot of years trying to get my workman's comp back, after my job tricked me into resigning...to no avail...as that injury kinda was the straw that broke the camels back...but i had to admit eventually...there were other factors involved, especially my previous injuries...not that they were not liable...to some extent...but hey...i have no control over that...and i have come to realize that the most responsible and healthy...and wise thing i can do today, for me...is to focus on the actual healing of my body...b/c although there are many things i am powerless over, and have to accept...there are many things that i can do something about...and that is where i am choosing to focus my attention to...today...thus the commitment to my daily exercises and such...the past is forever the past...cannot change it...can only take action today...the more energy i waste on trying to figure out the past...and make it make sense...the less energy i have to put into changing what i can change today...to make my life better in the here and now...and this is what the fourth step is all about...and if we do it to the best of our ability...we can finally move on...the past then becomes a tool kit...of experiences that we can share with others...in hopes of helping them...
so, what i just did with those resentments, that is what you have to do with all of yours...the big book tells you exactly how to do this...you list the person, place, or thing, you write down why you resent them, then you write down whether it affects your self-esteem, pocketbook, ambition, personal relationships(including sexual ones)...many of the resentments have to do with more than one aspect...as in my case, my physical injuries affected every aspect of my life...
what i have realized however, is that the very pain i am feeling...is in and of itself, waking my awareness up to the many things i can do to change it...that is what is so awesome about this...when we continue to be honest...and feel what we feel...we have the potential to feel to heal...as long as we keep it real...and take action that is available for us to take...in my case, it is to continue to pay attention to my body...and do the necessary exercises that will strengthen it...is it painful?...HELL YEAH...but healing always is...and it is in this very healing...that the promises are experienced...
much love and joy...*
starlightjustfortoday...
looking deeper, i realize that the reason for my anger, was the fact that my financial security was and is still threatened...since one of my injuries was an on-the-job-injury, i have felt that i should have been compensated for that...i should be on easy street...they should be responsible for taking care of my medical needs and my living needs, for the rest of my life...while that may or may not be the case, this has been the way i have seen it...and in a sense, when i continue to blame others, i deny myself from taking responsibility for my own life...and i prevent myself from taking advantage of the many options open to me...for change...
in reality, i was actually not in any shape to have worked the job that i was injured on in the first place...but at the time, i was not aware of this, and was just doing the best that i could do...in truth, i was not using drugs or alcohol, but i was bat-fuck crazy! LOL...i was using religion and spirituality to escape into at the time...and i was very emotionally and mentally ill...
looking back upon it now, sure, there was a lack of responsibility in play several of the times that i was injured...that was not mine...and that needs to be looked at honesty too...however; the main focus of the fourth step is in looking solely at our part...what part did we play...and what can we do about that now...
sometimes the only part we play is the victim...as in the case when i was 5 or 6 and fell 15 or so feet out of a tree landing on my back...the most honest thing i can say about that is that sometimes...SHIT HAPPENS...lol...i went through a period where i blamed god...then i tried to blame that little girl for climbing the tree in the first place...but both of those ideas seem quiet ridiculous to me now...and the truth is, it happened...nothing i can do about that...but there is plenty i can do about now...
then there was the time when as a young teen i was in the deep end of the pool and a couple of very large dudes were rough housing and one pushed the other on top of my head, rupturing my jaw discs, and doing untold damage to my neck and back...adding to the damage that had already been done in the previous fall...there were plenty of people to be mad at i suppose when that happened...because my parents had no insurance, i did not even go to the hospital when it happened...and b/c of the way my mom believed at the time, she did not hold anyone legally responsible...but there again...SHIT HAPPENS...lol...so the only purpose for going back, is to see that...but it always brings me back to right here right now...what can i really do about it NOW...holding on to woulda, shoulda, coulda's...is living in the past where we cannot change a thing...letting go of those, and living in the now...is being awake to what we can do differently to make things better...NOW...
now the next fall, was the one taken on-the-job...i spent a lot of years trying to get my workman's comp back, after my job tricked me into resigning...to no avail...as that injury kinda was the straw that broke the camels back...but i had to admit eventually...there were other factors involved, especially my previous injuries...not that they were not liable...to some extent...but hey...i have no control over that...and i have come to realize that the most responsible and healthy...and wise thing i can do today, for me...is to focus on the actual healing of my body...b/c although there are many things i am powerless over, and have to accept...there are many things that i can do something about...and that is where i am choosing to focus my attention to...today...thus the commitment to my daily exercises and such...the past is forever the past...cannot change it...can only take action today...the more energy i waste on trying to figure out the past...and make it make sense...the less energy i have to put into changing what i can change today...to make my life better in the here and now...and this is what the fourth step is all about...and if we do it to the best of our ability...we can finally move on...the past then becomes a tool kit...of experiences that we can share with others...in hopes of helping them...
so, what i just did with those resentments, that is what you have to do with all of yours...the big book tells you exactly how to do this...you list the person, place, or thing, you write down why you resent them, then you write down whether it affects your self-esteem, pocketbook, ambition, personal relationships(including sexual ones)...many of the resentments have to do with more than one aspect...as in my case, my physical injuries affected every aspect of my life...
what i have realized however, is that the very pain i am feeling...is in and of itself, waking my awareness up to the many things i can do to change it...that is what is so awesome about this...when we continue to be honest...and feel what we feel...we have the potential to feel to heal...as long as we keep it real...and take action that is available for us to take...in my case, it is to continue to pay attention to my body...and do the necessary exercises that will strengthen it...is it painful?...HELL YEAH...but healing always is...and it is in this very healing...that the promises are experienced...
much love and joy...*
starlightjustfortoday...
Monday, October 13, 2008
resentments...
resentments are out number one offender...it's kinda like this...normal drinkers can have one or two...but we can't have any...LOL...
our minds are obsessive places, so when we have even a small resentment, our minds will obsess over it until it is bigger...and then it overwhelms us...and there we are again stuck in that insanity...no matter if we have taken a drink or a drug or not...remember...the problem centers in our mind...and lack of power is our dilemma...drinking and drugging WAS our solution...today we have to have another solution, cause that one stopped working...lack of power leads right back to that insane place if we do not honestly face what is in front of us to face...and leave the rest to that power that is greater than our self-will-run-riot...oh the peace and serenity that comes when we are in acceptance...how wonderful it feels when we are able to clearly ascertain what we can do...and then use that strength of courage within and change what we can...we then are able to arrive in a place of wisdom...YEAH!!!!!!!
i resent this physical pain that i am in...when i think back to all the accidents i had as a young child and young adult, it is a miracle really that i am still able to walk and do the many things that i can do...REALLY...but it doesn't make going through this pain any easier...i had to get honest and ask myself what i can do...what really can i do to change it? when i get really honest, i have to admit that i have not been taking care of my physical self...i have been ignoring it really...of course i had a lot of other stuff to look at...lol...and i have made great progress on all the emotional illness...but now awareness has directed my attention towards the actual physical parts of my body that need my definite attention...
for over a year now, i would not make a doctors appointment, b/c i felt like they had nothing to offer me...but more pills...that's b/c i think i know it all in many respects...lol...but i finally made an appointment for this thursday...just making the appointment brought up a lot of stuff that i thought i had dealt with already...surprise, surprise!
i am really pissed and resentful not only at the pain and injuries themselves, but how it was all handled...of course i have no control over any of that, and i know this, but i still have to walk through these feelings, b/c emotions are stored in the muscles of the body...and so i have to acknowledge what is going on before i can do anything about it...and there always seems to be something we can do, if we are honest and willing to have the courage...
one thing, i have not faithfully continued the stretches and exercises that i needed to continue...daily...so i am now making that a part of my daily routine, out of shear necessity now of course...LOL...it is like we alcoholics and drug addicts are so stubborn that we have to continue to beat our head into a brick wall...AND BLEED...before we finally become willing to do something different! go figure...even in sobriety...we want what we want...and we want it right now!
i am currently writing down some more resentments i have become aware of...as the result of working with you...and so we will have lots to share together come friday...lol
i had dinner with my blind friend last night...i watched him; how he has learned how to feed himself...and just his presence...always smiling, always joyful...he also has to wear hearing aids in his ears...and i thought to myself how unselfish this man is...and at that moment, i realized how selfish i was to feel sorry for myself...and how irresponsible i had been where it had concerned my physical health...it doesn't mean that my problems are not real...b/c they are very real...i have injuries that need to be addressed...but my feeling sorry for myself is not getting it done...i have to move from there and into action...always action...and more action...and so, i do what is in front of me to do...for that IS the next right thing...and i leave the results to my higher power...the god of my understanding...and i also trust that whatever is in front of me to do...however the universe unfolds...that that is exactly what is suppose to be happening...
if i take care of what i am suppose to be taking care of...right this moment...whatever that may be...even if it is in stretching through my physical pain...or breathing through the tension of it...that is where my peace and freedom and joy and happiness is...and that is where you will find yours also...in this moment of true presence...no matter what else is happening...
much love and joy...talk to you soon...
starlightjustfortoday...
our minds are obsessive places, so when we have even a small resentment, our minds will obsess over it until it is bigger...and then it overwhelms us...and there we are again stuck in that insanity...no matter if we have taken a drink or a drug or not...remember...the problem centers in our mind...and lack of power is our dilemma...drinking and drugging WAS our solution...today we have to have another solution, cause that one stopped working...lack of power leads right back to that insane place if we do not honestly face what is in front of us to face...and leave the rest to that power that is greater than our self-will-run-riot...oh the peace and serenity that comes when we are in acceptance...how wonderful it feels when we are able to clearly ascertain what we can do...and then use that strength of courage within and change what we can...we then are able to arrive in a place of wisdom...YEAH!!!!!!!
i resent this physical pain that i am in...when i think back to all the accidents i had as a young child and young adult, it is a miracle really that i am still able to walk and do the many things that i can do...REALLY...but it doesn't make going through this pain any easier...i had to get honest and ask myself what i can do...what really can i do to change it? when i get really honest, i have to admit that i have not been taking care of my physical self...i have been ignoring it really...of course i had a lot of other stuff to look at...lol...and i have made great progress on all the emotional illness...but now awareness has directed my attention towards the actual physical parts of my body that need my definite attention...
for over a year now, i would not make a doctors appointment, b/c i felt like they had nothing to offer me...but more pills...that's b/c i think i know it all in many respects...lol...but i finally made an appointment for this thursday...just making the appointment brought up a lot of stuff that i thought i had dealt with already...surprise, surprise!
i am really pissed and resentful not only at the pain and injuries themselves, but how it was all handled...of course i have no control over any of that, and i know this, but i still have to walk through these feelings, b/c emotions are stored in the muscles of the body...and so i have to acknowledge what is going on before i can do anything about it...and there always seems to be something we can do, if we are honest and willing to have the courage...
one thing, i have not faithfully continued the stretches and exercises that i needed to continue...daily...so i am now making that a part of my daily routine, out of shear necessity now of course...LOL...it is like we alcoholics and drug addicts are so stubborn that we have to continue to beat our head into a brick wall...AND BLEED...before we finally become willing to do something different! go figure...even in sobriety...we want what we want...and we want it right now!
i am currently writing down some more resentments i have become aware of...as the result of working with you...and so we will have lots to share together come friday...lol
i had dinner with my blind friend last night...i watched him; how he has learned how to feed himself...and just his presence...always smiling, always joyful...he also has to wear hearing aids in his ears...and i thought to myself how unselfish this man is...and at that moment, i realized how selfish i was to feel sorry for myself...and how irresponsible i had been where it had concerned my physical health...it doesn't mean that my problems are not real...b/c they are very real...i have injuries that need to be addressed...but my feeling sorry for myself is not getting it done...i have to move from there and into action...always action...and more action...and so, i do what is in front of me to do...for that IS the next right thing...and i leave the results to my higher power...the god of my understanding...and i also trust that whatever is in front of me to do...however the universe unfolds...that that is exactly what is suppose to be happening...
if i take care of what i am suppose to be taking care of...right this moment...whatever that may be...even if it is in stretching through my physical pain...or breathing through the tension of it...that is where my peace and freedom and joy and happiness is...and that is where you will find yours also...in this moment of true presence...no matter what else is happening...
much love and joy...talk to you soon...
starlightjustfortoday...
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