decisions, decisions, decisions...

sometimes, especially in early sobriey, there is still those old behaviour patterns of control and manipulation...i mean let's face it folks; we are users! we not only use drugs and alcohol to alter our reality, we also use people, places and things...and every situation presents a chance to think with our new rational thinking, or slip back into old habits...doesn't matter how much time sober you have, life is a series of choices, and you are presented with healthy ones, and unhealthy ones...sometimes the lines are clear, and sometimes not so clear...i just had once such experience that has unfolded over the course of the past few days that i wish to share...cause it's my blog! lol

my son, god love him...and i do love him...lol...came up with a scheme the other day, and i fell right into it...lol...it isn't really anything bad, but it is just an example of how we try and manipulate situations and others to suit our purposes...

anyways, he has a little over 5 months sobriety, and he came over on Wednesday...he is not suppose to be driving his car, a consequence of his previous behaviour...he lost his license, and has not taken care of that properly yet...although there were chances...he chose to not pay his fines...anyways, he has been driving on a suspended license with no insurance...so about a week or so ago, he was pulled over and barely escaping another arrest, he was given another ticket, and told not to drive...he did ok for about a week...lol, then he showed up at my house on his court date...and i was kinda 'sucked' into his drama...

i went along, for the ride...well he did have to go to court right? what i really was not clear on, was that he had weaved a scenaro in that head of his, and i did go along with it...not only did he have to go to drug court, but he had to appear in another court some distance away, and i found myself being his designated driver for the day...lol...i ended up taking him to work afterwards, and yeah...i got to keep the car...which was a great experience for me, cause i don't have a car...why? well that is another post...getting back to this one, i dropped him off, and i felt free...driving his cool car with the sun roof open and the windows down, wind blowing through my hair and his jamming stereo blasting my Maroon 5 CD Songs About Jane...hey, that's heaven to me...LOL...

so...it's today...Friday...his belly button birthday, and after all his talk of getting insurance...he did not get it...so, i make the decision, a wise one from my perspective, to not drive all the way on the other side of town to pick him up at his half-way house, in a car that is not insured...i told him to ride the bus over here...he didn't like that idea at all...

Opppssss...lol...he threw one hell of a baby fit...cussing up a storm...and hung up on me...mad as hell, cause i had thought things through, and realized that i have to be responsible today...for me...and i am not comfortable driving a car that is uninsured...so, his car is sitting parked outside my apartment...and he is really fuming...and i'm lol...progress...

it was true that yesterday i drove to the store, and to a meeting, and by a friends house, which were all in my little neighborhood...and of course he threw that in my face...but it really boils down to what each individual is comfortable with and willing to do...and i had to set my own limits...and so i did...

while sitting here entering this blog, he has text messaged me a "i'm sorry" message...more progress...and we just talked...and he is ok...and going to check the bus schedule and come over for the weekend...

this has been just another exercise in making healthy decisions and doing the right thing...awesome!

starlightjustfortoday...

fear...

when i am faced with fear, it is because i am faced with the 'idea' of something that i don't want to happen, will happen, or something i have, will be taken from me...
in reality, my fear prevents me from living free in the moment...
when fear controls me, it causes me to try and manipulate what i cannot control...
in recovery, that is called insanity...
the only thing i can control, is my own thoughts and feelings, and actions concerning whatever it is that reality presents...
and i am only able to do that when i am willing to examine what is going on under the surface, and be rigorously honest with myself...it is never about someone else...it is always about me...
conditioned awareness is waking us up...all i need to do is listen...
the universe is unfolding just the way it is...the sun rises and it sets...that is real...if i am off in my head, worrying about this or that...then i am not living in reality. life is passing me by one moment at a time...
i can remember feeling such pain and fear when my son was still using...i did not know where he was, or how he was, or even if he was still alive, for weeks at a time...but what i learned, was that i had no control over him...death is part of life, and so it is a reality...for me to worry about it, was not going to change whatever was going to happen...so, in reality, i had a choice...i could continue to make myself sick over things that may or may not be happening, or i could choose to live in the moment...and turn him over to the spirit of the universe...
i turned him over...
the truth is, we all have our own paths...no one can walk them for us...we can only learn to walk ours, responsibly...facing our fears honestly...and dealing with what is real...one day at a time...sometimes, one moment...

i am not saying that any of this is easy...however; it gets easier, and when you are free in the moment, you are free to be happy and joyous...

starlightjustfortoday...

old ideas...

"Some of us have tried to hold on to our old ideas and the result was nil until we let go absolutely." (BigBook)

this is a very important piece of information that is touched upon throughout the BigBook...

it does not say that we have to let go of only some of our ideas...it says that we have to let go of them absolutely...if we do not, our results are nil...nadda...nothing...

letting go of all of our old ideas is not easy...but we can do it via the steps...that is our pathway to freedom...remember that it is an ongoing process...one moment at a time...

happy journey!

starlightjustfortoday...

My Friend...

Hello my friend...

I know that sometimes it is very hard to understand why things are happening the way they are. We tend to think that once we stop drinking or drugging, that life is going to be wonderful, and everything will be perfect...and life is pretty wonderful, but then when life continues to hit us hard, we get discourgaged, confused, and frustrated...sometimes we can even give up...but i guarantee you...that if you just don't use...things will get better...

When the hard times come, and they will, cause this is life on its own terms...but when they hit you in the face...remember that 'this too shall pass'. You might recall that saying when the good times come too! LOL...

The ninth step promises tell us that there will come a time when we will not regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it...that we will understand happiness and we will know peace...i can tell you that these things do come to pass...one moment at a time...

It is very important to remember that just not using is not emotional sobriety...emotional sobriety takes a lot of work...and that is what those steps are for...and it is a continuing process...but there is never a time, that we can just stop using those steps...they are our stairway to freedom, and a way of life that is happy and filled with joy...

When i am uncomfortable, or confronted with a serious problem, i always go back to step one...then i have to ask myself, what i can logically do about whatever it is that i am facing...can i change it? if i cannot, then i have to turn it over and go on about my buisness...doing something different...other than worrying about it...worst comes to worse...i can always, always find another to work with...but if i can change it, then i must step up to the challenge...and just do it...this is a program of action...

Sobriety is more about facing lifes difficulties with courage and willingness to change as the situation presents itself then it is about anything else...my problem was never alcohol and drugs...those were just symptoms...my problem was that i did not know how to live life as a responsible, emotionally healthy adult...i wanted what i wanted...and i wanted it right now...i was controlled by my emotions, and it is very painful to 'grow up'...but that is the very heart of recovery...growing up, owning our feelings, and walking through whatever we have to walk through...

I am still learning how to do this one day at a time...sometimes, one moment at a time...so remember, dear one...that someone else somewhere is on this journey with you...and that everything is unfolding exactly as it should...or it would be different! Haha...

be filled with your own joy dear friend...and remember to take care of you...

starlightjustfortoday...

it works...if you work it!

the previous post, just underneath this one, was written back in October of last year...my son was a mess...

he now has 5 months of continued sobriety...YEAH!!!!!!!

i share these painful experiences, and then these joyful ones...so that if you are out there wondering in the wilderness of drug and alcohol addiction...you will know that there is a way out...reach out...and get some help...learn how to help yourself...be responsible...for yourself...and learn to live free from your addiction...YOU CAN DO IT...IT WORKS IF YOU WORK IT!

much love...

starlightjustfortoday...

my son and his friends...

our sweet young Ian, so full of pain,
the alcohol and drugs made him insane,
he'd gone to jail, forced sobriety,
started back to slinging, soon as he was free...
my son's best friend, lost to this shit,
we begged and pleaded for him to quit...
he took his gun, put a bullet in his head...
but it was alcohol and drugs that killed him dead...
another best friend, our precious Josh,
no one was nicer, to him my son looked up...
he was an example of what a young man should be,
was a dear, sweet friend to my son and me.
one night he was drinking, a friendly drunk,
he threw up in some crazy dudes pick-up truck,
three guys beat him unconscious, then threw him in the back,
drove around and partied...he died like that...
then there was Erin, wild as could be,
best friends with my son, and like a son to me,
he overdosed, on alcohol and drugs,
stayed in a coma for several months,
many a time, i prayed over his bed,
he was so damn lucky he wasn't dead,
he finally came too, but he's not the same,
there was lots of damage done, to his brain,
after several surgeries, he walks with a limp,
yeah he's still using every chance he gets...
finally heard from my son, he's pretty beaten down,
i can only pray that he'll come around.
no place to live, in real bad shape,
i told him that i loved him...ever and always,
asked him if he was ready, to give up the stuff,
that i would be here for him, when he'd had enough,
one day at a time, turning it over,
the grace of God, keeping him sober,
going to meetings, working the steps,
the only other options are jail and death...
he knows the deal...and it's up to him...
gonna hit my knees, turn him over again...
tlcoriginals...

defining God...ourselves...and the world around us...

i was in a meeting this past friday night, filled with recovering drunks at different levels in their recovery, and the topic of faith and God was the focus…

it is very humbling to be brought back down to the reality of what is, and know that regardless of whether we understand it or not, able to define it or not, there is a force within us, that is tapped into when our little wants and desires get out of the way, and we allow it to happen.

i can remember very early in my recovery, using the serenity prayer saved me from going insane…it has helped me grow emotionally and see things more clearly.

when we can see things clearly, and not allow our awareness to be clouded by emotional and mental confusion, we can make more intelligent, and healthier decisions based on reality.

the God of my understanding has changed drastically, but this is due to the fact that although we as humans are limited, what we call God, is not…and when we become willing and allow ourselves to be open to change, change finds us as the universe unfolds itself before us, moment by moment, with wisdom and joyful grace, allowing us to dance in harmony with.

this magnificent all creating force breathed into being all that there is, and because ofthat, all that there is, is touched by it, even if that touch of divinity is not understood.

as we struggle to define ourselves, each other, and the world and universe we occupy, in the context of that creative force that we are not seperate from, we must remember to just…breath and be…without all the mental distractions and emotional attachments that limit…and instead, allow that creative force to define us with truth, in every moment anew…only then can we break down the barriors that prevent us from being free.

it's a process…a journey…filled with joy in the midst of sorrow, as our very life path unveils it's own awareness awakening…

starlightjustfortoday...