Life happens...

i had plans today, but they have changed. today i can accept that, and any discomfort i am experiencing, i know will pass...and quicker if i drink plenty of fluids...haha! hopefully i will feel better by this afternoon, and at least be able to post my moment for today. i have been editing them; they were more religious than spiritual, and less real to me now, so each day, i try and let them deal with whatever is going on with me in that time frame...anyways, gonna lay back down and try and feel better...many blessings, star.

willingness...

in recovery, willingness is very important. i was not very willing when i first got sober. i was convinced that i could not survive without my pain pills. it took what it took. today marks seven months since my last use of any mind altering chemicals. i still find myself slamming the door on willingness sometimes, but recovery does not work without it. i still want what i want...but today that includes being sober. all it takes is just a little willingness to do things differently. my self-will has slammed the door between me and God...and no doubt will continue to do so on this journey of healing. willingness, in the smallest proportion, is all that is needed to open that door. just for today, i am willing...many blessings, star.

big sigh...

everything went the way it was suppose to i suppose...they were late getting started, so i got antzy...floated in there on what we like to call in the program "a pink cloud". by the time i walked out of there...it had turned into a storm cloud. i wanted to blame everyone but myself of course, been there done that; does not work for me today. if i am angry, it is my own fault. growing up in public SUCKS! don't misunderstand, the panal, and the judge had good things to say about me today...for a change, but even that pissed me off. i just wanted to go in there, say hi and by, get the hell out and go home. it was a long day already, and they decided to ask me all kinds of questions about my recovery, this website...see i cannot take criticism or praise...haha...somewhere there is a balance, and one day at a time, by facing myself...God will help me find it. i should have so much gratitude, and my head tells me so, but in my heart, i am still working through all these feelings and the wreckage of my past...and still, i just do not like having to do all this stuff. but at least i am being honest and not trying to say what i think i should, or what i think others think i should...hell, i am pissed off at myself. today i know that i have to feel the anger before i can work through it and get past it. i am the problem, and if i am not, there is no solution... today. many blessings, star.

ps. i am exhausted...physically, emotionally, and spiritually...staying sober, in this alcoholic/addict's mind is very difficult. there is no escape...the only way out is to walk through it...i am so thankful that it is almost bedtime!

Drug Court...

another wednesday...before the judge...even though i know that i have not used, and i have been going to my classes and my meetings, i hate going to court! but, i know that i am the one that put myself in this situation. no one put a gun to my head and made me do the things i did that got me to where i am today...but me, myself, and i. i am so past blaming everyone and everything else...that is progress for me. my stomach is churning, my nerves are on edge, and i physically feel sick. my solution? i am going to take a very hot bath, try and relax a little, spend some more quiet time with my Higher Power, try calling my sponsor again, go to a meeting...then go pee in a cup, and go on to drug court! i am really blessed to have so many people trying to help me stay clean and sober...it takes what it takes, and for this drunk and druggie, it takes this. today, it is God's way not mine! God knows what i need, i don't. if i have truly turned my life and will over to the care of God, then what ever happens today is God's will. many blessings, star.

control...

seems old habits die hard! a tornado blew in this morning, one of which i began blowing into creation many years ago...i was powerless...could not figure out what i was suppose to do, and finally after some praying, i realized that there was really nothing i could do except sit back and watch...it was hard to do; i wanted to step in and try and fix it...it is no longer my tornado to fix; i have passed it on. there is a lesson in it for me though...STOP CLICKING OUT DURING A TORNADO IN LIFE, AND YOU WONT HAVE TO BE FACED WITH THE CLEAN-UP FOR YEARS AND YEARS TO COME! haha! can laugh about it now, but this morning when the tornado's winds seemed to be reaching dangerous speeds, i was trapped in a panic attack! anytime i feel uncomfortable, i know now that it is about me...not really the tornado that is blowing around me. see, i clicked out of most of those life situations in the past, and did not learn how to deal with them. well, better late than never! many blessings...star.

triggers...

usually when we speak of triggers around people recovering from drug and alcohol addiction, it is in referrence to things that may trigger our desire to use...old playgrounds and playmates; or usually just anything that i might not want to deal with at the moment. i have had those kinds of triggers, but i just play the tape...for anyone that does not know what that means, i play the tape of what always happens when i use anything to escape reality...since i have been there, and don't wanna go back, that is usually enough for me. the triggers that i have been having, have to do with flashbacks of some very destructive behaviour that i was responsible for. uck! i sure do not like remembering those uncomfortable situations that i caused. but, being in recovery today, demands it. there is no easier, softer way. i have to work through the past no matter how badly i might want to slam the door on it. i have to be willing to listen, take suggestions, and work the 12 steps of recovery as so many before me successfully have. my way never worked! today i was driving down a familiar street, and remembered such a time...it made me feel bad, but i felt it, and let go of it, and did not allow myself to be trapped by it, and ruin my entire day. use to, guilt and shame controled my life. triggers are going to come and go...but each day of sobriety brings an emotional ability that i did not have yesterday. by walking through each day, each trigger that God allows me to face, only increases my strength for the next one. to me, this is living life on life's terms successfully, just for today...many blessings, star.

courage to change...

this one is a biggy! everyday i am faced with opportunities to change...now that i have stopped using chemicals to alter my perception of life, i am still left with life. i am still left with me. i use to always think that i could just pray for courage or patience or wisdom, and it would come. then when i did not get what i wanted when i wanted it, i gave up and used, or escaped in some form of addiction. today i know that God will give me what i need, when i need it; let's face it, i do not need everything i might want, and it is not always about me. most of us have more than enough. ever heard the term less is more, well, i understand that today. having courage is making a decision to try things a different way, and then walking through it. it is also stepping out into the unknown with faith. courage is getting out of myself, and becoming willing to face my past, walk through today, and hopefully contribute something besides chaos and insanity to my little corner of the world...just for today...many blessings, star.