so...
the past two weeks we have been dealing successfully, with understanding the powerlessness that addiction leaves us with, and the unmanageable ways that this very powerlessness manifests itself...

through recovery, i have come to understand that i have an allergy to any mind alternating addictive chemicals in any form...solid or fluid...

this allergy is not only in my mind, but also in my body...when i put alcohol or drugs into my system, my mind and body craves them...no matter how destructive my drinking and drugging becomes to my person...i cannot stop...

the unmanageability is not just with material or financial aspects...i am unable to manage and control my very behavior...even after i stop using...

i had to admit, that drugs and alcohol were my solution...

and my solution was not only killing me, but landing me in hospitals and jails...

the problem was my inability to live life on life's terms...

so the problem then became...what do i do to avoid that first drink since once i start i cannot stop successfully and life as i know it goes to shit?

LACK OF POWER IS MY DILEMMA...

i had to find a power greater than myself...which i take to mean...greater than my own ego, or self-will run riot...

i had to choose another conception of god, because the god of my religion did not work...all my old ideas...DID NOT WORK...

i had to be willing to let go of all my old ideas concerning a god that is outside of myself...because, when the Big Book speaks of our own concept of god...it is speaking of those first 100 that recovered from a seemingly hopeless state of body and mind...

we will be looking closely at Bill W.'s experience of god consciousness...also, what is referred to as the spirit of the universe...and the great reality within...

if the power that i need to stay sober is within me...within my own awareness...or spirit or soul or whatever...then it is obvious that i was not able to recognize that power or tap into it because i...my ego/self-will kept getting in the way...

we will be looking at all of this...and dive deeper into the truths of our own being...while we investigate how it is that we can come to believe...

i am so very proud of you and the honest inner work that you are doing...

may you be filled with your own inner joy...

starlightjustfortoday...

habitual reaction...

one of the ways in which unmanageability manifests itself in our lives is through habitual reaction...

we learn to react instead of acting responsibly...we react to emotions with frustration and confusion and anger, and since we are prohibited from thinking clearly, we habitually react to people, places and things, and allow them to control our behavior...and then we justify that to make ourselves 'feel' better, by blaming our feelings and actions, or reaction on other people, places and things. we lie to ourselves, and stuff what we feel...

FEEL TO HEAL...AND KEEP IT REAL...

I AM RESPONSIBLE FOR MY THOUGHTS, MY BELIEFS, MY FEELINGS, AND MY ACTIONS...

the unhealthy patterns of behavior that we have learned have been a way to survive...b/c until now, we have not learned a healthier way...

by looking at our own pattern of behaviors, and paying attention, and critically analyzing them, we can come to understand them, and then change them...one moment at a time...

this means that the way other people behave is none of our business...when we finally get honest with ourselves...only then can we begin to understand why things are happening the way that they are, and only then do we begin to recognize that we can change...

years upon years of living life self-will run riot does not change in the twinkling of an eye...there is no easier, softer way...then just to roll our sleeves up and get to work on ourselves...

NO ONE CAN MAKE ME FEEL ANYTHING...

UNLESS I ALLOW IT...

NO ONE CAN MAKE ME BEHAVE IN INSANE WAYS...

NO ONE CAN MAKE ME PICK UP THAT FIRST DRINK OR DRUG...

TODAY...I AM RESPONSIBLE...

but, since i had spent years allowing others to control me, and i in turn learned many ways to also manipulate situations and people to get what i wanted...it is only logical to understand that this process in reverse does not happen over night...

when we look at our relationships with others, and get honest about the part we have and are still playing...it is like looking into a window of truth...we begin to see how everything we have done has led us to where we are...

when we focus on our own behavior and feelings, we begin to see these patterns within ourselves, and in our interactions with others, and only when we begin to see ourselves honestly, can we change...

especially where it concerns our relationships, we learn to have patience and compassion for those that may not yet be able to get in touch with themselves honestly...but as we get better at being responsible for ourselves, our situation may not change, but the way we look at it...does...


so, logically, since it took us years to get so fucking tangled...untangling ourselves is a process that we attempt to do one day at a time...sometimes, one moment at a time...

we do what is in front of us to do...by acting responsibly, as adults, we take responsibility for ourselves, and allow other's to do the same...

WE TEACH OTHER'S HOW TO TREAT US...

we cannot expect that just b/c we are not using today, that others are going to automatically trust us...with time, maybe we can win back trust of our loved ones, but even if we don't, that has nothing to do with our own recovery...as we learn to respect ourselves and others, they in turn, learn to respect us, and themselves...

IT IS NONE OF MY BUSINESS WHAT ANYONE ELSE THINKS OF ME...

STAY OUT OF YOUR HEAD AND IN THE MOMENT...

YOU HAVE ENOUGH ON YOUR PLATE, WITHOUT BORROWING TROUBLE THAT IS NOT YOURS IN THE FIRST PLACE...

IT'S NOT THEM...

IF YOU ARE NOT THE PROBLEM...THERE IS NO SOLUTION...

SOBRIETY IS NOT ABOUT GETTING WHAT YOU WANT...

AND YET IT IS EXACTLY THAT...CAUSE WHAT YOU REALLY WANT...IS TO BE HAPPY, JOYOUS, AND FREE...

i love you...i am very proud of your progress...remember, with every confrontation you have, whether it be inward or outward...great clarity can be gained...so, disturbances can become times of great awareness...


starlightjustfortoday...

my life is...WHAT?

when i first came into the program of recovery in 1990, i had no understanding of the FACT that my life was unmanageable b/c i had been drinking and using for many years...go figure...

I WAS STUCK ON STUPID...

i had no place to live; had just finished up doing 48 hours for a DUI; my mom had had my kids for the past few weeks, and prior to that, we went from the Salvation Army, to free housing, to subsidized housing, and i could not even manage to pay the little amount of rent that i was suppose to pay for that! yet, it had not dawned on me that my life was unmanageable...yeap...i was trapped...and did not have the slightest idea that i was...

I COULD NOT TELL THE TRUE FROM THE FALSE...

my mom had mercy on me...AGAIN...and came and got me; i joined her, my step-father, and my two children on a trip to Florida...where i could not wait to leave my children with my mom and go out on my own...to get fucked up...

on the way home from this vacation, my mother told me that she and my step-father had decided to buy me a condo in Memphis...something happened at that point, and i began to cry, and told her that if i went back to Memphis, i knew that i would not make it...so, the decision was made for me to stay in Nashville, in my own condo...go back to school, and get into recovery...plus i got a car...what an ungrateful SPOILED ROTTEN BRAT I WAS BACK THEN...

once again, i was helped out of my own shit...my enablers had always been many it seemed, and there was none more willing than my mother...and now my new step-father who really loved me and my children...i just didn't have a clue as to how to appreciate such things...

so, someone else managed my life for me; gave me the things that i needed...and all i had to do was stay clean and go to school...i did well for a while...really well...but soon i was convinced that i could once again drink normally...or at the very least smoke a joint or two...

i was not willing, nor was i able, to be completely honest with myself about the powerlessness of that first drink and those that followed...and the unmanageability that always manifested as a result of my using...

I WAS INSANE...

the definition of insanity is repeating the same behavior, expecting different results...which i did over and over and over again...

please read my story...it is long, but it is something that you need to read...(link at the bottom).

i was about a year sober...THIS TIME...before i finally admitted that i was insane...but what other description could be used to describe my behavior? SOUND FAMILIAR?
i always seemed to escape the severe consequences of my actions, b/c i always had someone to bail me out...SOUND FAMILIAR?

eventually, i ran out of people and loved ones to use...i lost everything materialistically speaking; i had long lost myself...and as you well know, i went to jail...put there by my family...

I HAD FINALLY HIT MY BOTTOM...

however...not everyone has the same bottom...you do not have to lose everything, or go to jail...or turn your loved ones against you...you can learn through my experiences...if you so choose to...

I WANT YOU TO GET IN TOUCH WITH THE WAYS THAT YOUR ADDICTION HAS MADE YOUR LIFE UNMANAGEABLE...

BE HONEST...

WHO HAS PAID YOUR BILLS?

BOUGHT YOUR DRUGS?

CARED FOR YOUR CHILD?

BOUGHT YOU A CAR? CARS?

GAVE YOU A NICE HOME?

PUT UP WITH YOU AND LOVED YOU INSPITE OF YOU?

RECOGNIZE ALL OF YOUR ENABLERS...AND KNOW THAT YOU HAVE USED EVERYONE OF THEM TO SATISFY YOUR NEED FOR DRUGS...

IS YOUR LIFE UNMANAGEABLE BY YOU? HOW MANY PEOPLE ARE HELPING YOU TO MANAGE YOUR LIFE RIGHT THIS MOMENT?

ARE YOU READY TO TAKE RESPONSIBILITY FOR YOUR SELF...ONE DAY AT A TIME AND LEARN A DIFFERENT WAY OF LIVING WHICH LEADS TO HAPPINESS, JOY, AND FREEDOM?

YOU CANNOT DO IT DRINKING AND DRUGGING...

ARE YOU WILLING TO FACE THESE TRUTHS ABOUT YOURSELF?

remember...i am telling you these hard truths b/c I LOVE YOU...this is the hatefulness of love...and i am more interested at this point in telling you the truth to WAKE YOU THE FUCK UP...so that you have a chance to live this wonder-filled life that i KNOW you can have...

if you are willing to continue to follow instructions...YOU WILL CHANGE...

READ THE PROMISES NOW...

read my story...then call me...

starlightjustfortoday...

to drink like normal people...

this was a great delusion of mine, and i followed it all the way into insanity and beyond...

when i took my first drink, it amounted to downing about 3/4's of a pint of 180 proof PGA...i was drunk...really out of it...for three days...i was 16 years old...

that began my life-long attempt at trying to control my drinking...i would try, and sometimes, to my own amazement, was able to succeed in only drinking a couple...i would pat myself on the back and convince myself that i had accomplished normalcy...and usually, a few days later, or a week or so...i'd be drunk again...usually blacking out and not remembering anything much...then when the memories would come back...i'd just drink some more...

this was my pattern off and on for many years...of course it also included drugs and religion...i tried every way i could to escape living life on life's terms...

i would switch from hard liquor to beer; from beer to wine; then weed...i even shot some dope on occasion...so when i ended up on pain pills...i thought i had finally found my answer...

legal drugs...cause after all...i needed them...i had everything under the sun wrong with me, and the ex rays to back that up...

today, i take nothing stronger than tylenol or ibuprofen...and don't take much of that...

the lengths i went to to stay fucked up...are unbelievable...the energy and money i spent on all those missions i went on...insanity in action...staying sober today is easy compared to that...and so, i KNOW that it is possible for anyone who has the mental capacity to 'decide' to do it...

EVEN YOU...

to honestly look at the ways in which your own life is unmanageable...and the ways you have unsuccessfully tried to manage your addiction...will show you this right off the bat...if you are being honest with yourself...

not only do we use drugs and alcohol...WE USE PEOPLE, PLACES, AND THINGS...

THIS IS THE BEHAVIOR THAT MUST CHANGE IF YOU ARE TO REMAIN SOBER...

DRINKING AND DRUGGING IS YOUR SOLUTION...NOT YOUR PROBLEM...

LIVING LIFE ON LIFE'S TERMS IS YOUR PROBLEM...

YOUR LIFE IS UNMANAGEABLE BY YOU...

add the Doctor, Alcoholic, Addict to your reading today...it is one of the stories in the back of your Big Book...

ARE YOU JOURNALING? IT IS VERY IMPORTANT THAT YOU CONTINUE TO DO THIS...

ALSO...CONTINUE TO STAY IN THE MOMENT AND BE AWARE OF WHAT YOU ARE FEELING...EMOTIONALLY AND PHYSICALLY...

DON'T FORGET TO BREATHE...OPEN UP TO NATURE...

if you absolutely have to have some drama today...tune into General Hospital...and let me know what's going on...LOL

STAY OUT OF YOUR HEAD AND OUT OF YOUR DRAMA AND EVERYONE ELSES...

ONLY TALK ABOUT YOUR PROBLEMS AS THEY ARE RELATED TO ALCOHOLISM AND DRUG ADDICTION...AND SOLUTIONS IN RECOVERY...

much love and joy...call me...(my phone went dead last night, but it is charged up now...lol)

starlightjustfortoday...

unmanageability...

Good morning!

read your gratitude list and add something to it...

this week we will be looking at the second half of the first step...the unmanageability of the very powerlessness that is our problem...

now that you have a better understanding of powerlessness...you need to look at the ways that it has manifested itself within your very life...

you may not have lost everything...but what do you have if you lose yourself?

read Bill's Story and More About Alcoholism today and every day this week...call me...and don't drink or use...

oh yeah...how are you doing with your meetings? a homegroup is very important to your sobriety...

remember...stay out of your head...out of drama...out of yesterday...out of tomorrow...

IN THE MOMENT AND IN RECOVERY...

much love and joy...life is wonder-filled lived in the moment of NOW...

read this...

http://tlcoriginals.gaia.com/blog/2007/8/emotional_idiot

and this...

http://starlightjustfortoday.blogspot.com/2007/04/todays-moment_02.html




starlightjustfortoday...

my child...

when you were still a tiny child with hands so very small,
your eyes were wide with wonder, you had to know it all.
your heart was pure and innocent, not yet touched by life,
reality soon taught you...anger, pain and strife.
the faith you had soon turned to doubt; your love hid deep within;
your wonder turned to fear and hate, and they were now your friend.
you smothered me so very long that i was sure we'd die,
but then you found a new friend, and we started getting high.
i wanted so to comfort you, and take away your tears,
but you had paralyzed our power; we existed that way for years.
sometimes you would call for me, but i could not respond,
it seemed that we were frozen, but we always had a bond.
when finally you got honest, and mirrored that to me,
a miracle then happened, we both were then set free.
you'd broken things inside of you, we had a lot to mend,
healing's always painful, but worth it in the end.
you asked me why i'd gone away and left you on your own,
your ways kept me in prison but you never were alone.
you listened and you cried alot, it purified your soul,
remembering what you forgot so very long ago.
with faith now strong and love reowned we now were on our way,
once again I was your friend and led you through each day.
the anger's gone and hate and fear, they fled and disappeared,
peace guards us now, like magic; that hazy doubt has cleared.
remember child and don't forget, and never lose your way,
i am here inside you; each and every day.
you only need to come to me exactly as you are,
let my spirit fill you, and we will travel far.
i can show you many things, if you will but see,
relax my child, and be at peace; trust and believe in me.
sometimes you must just be still in quietness you will find,
that i will be there waiting; each and every time.
most times you're in a hurry; most things are'nt good for you,
i can see tomorrow when you have'nt got a clue.
relax and just be patient, enjoy your moments now;
learn to live just in today, watch, listen--you'll learn how.
your longed for peace is easy, as long as i lead you,
don't give me charge then take it back before i'm half-way through.
my child you were my child you'll be until our journey's through,
if you will just remember: i am a part of you.
freespirited and restless, dear child you were so born,
created in my image, this earth you do sojourn.
one day you'll rest forever, complete-in eternity,
we'll share one spirit in perfection, you are a part of me.
until that time you must try to help others along the way,
remember: i work through you; be careful what you say.
your will is very stubborn, but once trained for the good,
i can then act freely, when you act as you should.
remember all are my children, i love each a special way,
there is no room or time allowed for games that people play.
when you let me lead you, like magic you will change,
you'll find such happiness in my peace, such comfort when you pray.
i will fix the broken things and do all in my time,
i'll be with you always, because dear child, you're mine.
tlcoriginals.
starlightjustfortoday...

powerlessness...

Powerlessness...
what exactly are we talking about when we talk about powerlessness? what is it that we are powerless over? is it everything?
i can remember very clearly the very last day that i used...
i was so messed up, and at that point was powerless over everything that happened afterward. the universe unfolded...b/c i had created the situations leading up to the very moment that led to my sobriety...
what am i saying here? i am saying that every step you have taken has led you right here, right now...no matter what has happened in the past, it led you to today...and today...you have not picked up a drink or a drug...AWESOMENESS!!!!!!!
there are many things that you are powerless over...but that does not mean that you are powerless over the choices you make in your life today...but once you pick up...it starts the entire process over again of obsession...mental and physical cravings are then triggered and we are once again powerless over everything that happens past that point...don't mis-understand me...you might be powerless, but b/c you KNOW you have this dis-ease...
YOU ARE RESPONSIBLE FOR THAT FIRST DRINK OR DRUG NOW...
YOU KNOW WHERE IT WILL LEAD...PLAY THAT TAPE...YOU ARE ALSO RESPONSIBLE FOR FINDING A POWER GREATER THAN YOURSELF...AND USING IT...
you can choose to make healthier choices in every aspect of your life from this day forward.
you can choose to think logically about the decisions you make...today...
you can choose to be responsible for your own life...your thoughts, your beliefs, your feelings,your behaviour...you can choose to be willing...you can choose to take action...you can choose to not use today...
you can choose to stay away from situations that are dangerous for you right now...
you will always be powerless over many things in this life...whether or not a tornado comes and blows your house down is not within your power...
you are also powerless over other people...you cannot control them even if you think you can. in the past i used many methods of manipulation and guilt that i had learned over the years to get my way...to make others do or not do what i wanted them to...it may have seemed to work in certain situations at certain times, but inevitably it always ended up blowing up in my face...
these patterns within are recognized when we begin getting honest and paying attention to exactly what we are feeling and what we are doing...
bottom line is this...no matter how well we might think that we have control over someone or some external situation in our lives...
WE DO NOT AND CANNOT CONTROL THE WORLD TO OUR SATISFACTION...
THE ONLY THING WE CAN DO, IS TO LEARN TO CONTROL OURSELVES THROUGH THIS PROCESS OF RECOVERY.
THE MORE EMOTIONALLY SOBER I BECOME, THE MORE RESPONSIBLE CHOICES I AM ABLE TO MAKE...
THE MORE CLEAR I BECOME, THE MORE ABLE I AM TO TAP INTO THAT POWER THAT IS WITHIN ME, FLOWS THROUGH ME...WHEN I/EGOIC/SELF...GETS OUT OF THE WAY...
WHEN I ALLOW POWER TO FLOW THROUGH ME...WHEN I ALLOW EACH MOMENT TO UNFOLD, WITHOUT TRYING TO CONTROL IT OR ANYONE OR ANYTHING...I BECOME THAT FLOW OF POWER...AND CHANGE HAPPENS...

this does not mean that i do not take responsibility for my life...on the contrary...i have learned how to pay my bills, make plans, follow through with adult things that adults need to follow through on...like when to clean my house, do my laundry, shop for groceries...relax, eat, sleep...all of these things i had to learn how to do all over again...i still am learning how to take care of me in a healthy way...it is a process...i also have to save for things i need, wisely manage the money i have so that it lasts the entire month, plan my day many times around the needs of others...but within all of that...always, my sobriety comes first...and when i forget that...i lose it whether i pick up and use or not...i lose it emotionally...so the recovery process has become and still continues to be, a process of uncovering, discovering, and discarding...those things that do not work...

i am also responsible for learning how to communicate with others in a healthy responsible way...THIS IS A PROCESS...we have been so use to manipulating and controling others...using guilt or any means we could to get our way...that our relationships are usually ALL unhealthy at this point...we have to learn by interacting with others in entirely new ways...this is not easy...is not going to be easy...in fact...IT IS HARD WORK...but it is possible to heal the relationships you have...remember...YOU ARE RESPONSIBLE FOR YOU...

but the more we are able to be responsible for ourselves and honest with ourselves...the more we are able to allow others to be responsible for themselves...

IT IS A PROCESS...OF SUBTRACTING ALL OUR OLD IDEAS...AND ALLOWING THAT POWER TO RE-CREATE OUR LIVES...ONE MOMENT AT A TIME...

MANY TIMES IT IS JUST IN DOING WHAT IS IN FRONT OF US TO DO...

i have found that for me, it has not been wise to make a lot of plans to far in advance, but it is important to have a stable routine...a flexible one, but one that includes time with me and my higher power...time to reflect...time to allow what i have learned to surface...and let go of that which does not work, adopting the things that do work...since life is ever changing...so is this process...it is an ever-deepening presence of being...that continues to open up, as i live my life in the eternal NOW...PRACTICING THESE PRINCIPLES OF SELF-HONESTY...

the first place that we need to practice these principles is with ourselves and our families...by honestly looking at how you feel, and expressing that in a responsible way to others...you encourage them to do the same...

bottom line...i am not powerless today b/c i rely on a power greater than my ego/self...and that power allows me to make healthy choices today...i am unlearning unhealthy behavior that makes my life and the life of those i love...better in every way...WE HAVE TO ROLL UP OUR SLEEVES AND PARTICIPATE IN OUR LIVES...ONE MOMENT AT A TIME...

when we know better...we do better...

knowing is doing...doing is knowing...

THIS IS A PROGRAM OF ACTION...

MUCH OF IT IS IN REALIZING WHAT IT IS YOU CAN CHANGE AND WHAT IT IS YOU CANNOT...THEN HAVING THE WILLINGNESS TO ACCEPT WHAT YOU CANNOT CHANGE...AND HAVING THE COURAGE TO CHANGE WHAT YOU CAN...

WISDOM IS A PRODUCT OF RECOVERY IN ACTION...

starlightjustfortoday...