focus...

this has been so difficult to do today...it had been suggested to me early in recovery to begin scheduling my day. when i was going to iop classes (court ordered classes of intensive outpatient therapy), i did not like it (scheduling), but i half-heartedly did it anyway, well, cause i had to really...haha! i was always use to doing what i wanted, when i wanted, where i wanted, how i wanted, and if i didn't want...then it just wasn't happening! talk about self-will run riot! i am just now (four months later), realizing the importance of scheduling. it holds me accountable; helps me with fulfilling commitments , getting me out of self, and makes me responsible--for myself, and to others. well, last week i had been isolating so much that i decided to schedule more time out of the house. see, i have to get permission for everything i do, cause my behaviour landed me in jail, which eventually landed me in drug court...on house arrest. anyway, i scheduled my day, but failed to really communicate it to my daughter properly, and so, this morning, before i went to my meeting, i had an unscheduled arguement with my beautiful daughter...which, in my frame of mind, i was not equipted to deal with. oh well, it came...it passed, and i went on to my meeting which is just around the corner...haha...made a wrong turn, and finally it dawned on me that i was not focusing on what i was doing...haha! live and learn! walked into the meeting and listened to everyone...meeting was on gratitude...darn! heck, i'm grateful for everything right? i wanted to whine...anyway, i know that i am sooooooooo blessed...beyond what i deserve, but hey, i was focusing on the fight...knowing all along that i am the problem. there we go...finally something i am truly grateful for at this moment...KNOWING THAT I AM THE PROBLEM! hey folks, that is progress for me. today, i have many tools to use to get out of the problem and into the solution...gonna make a list tonight of my schedule tomorrow so it does not conflict with my daughters schedule...it is afterall, her house i am living in, her car that i am using...there... two more things to be grateful for...could be living in a half-way house (which is where they wanted to put me), and could be walking in this cold, or riding the bus...ok, ok, gonna take another suggestion and make a gratitude list, and start reading it every morning...many blessings, star.

ps...gonna have lack of focus days...it takes a year and a half to two years for the brain to start working properly again...so...just gonna have to deal with it...that's life...even normal folks have fuzzy days!