Surrender...

It's been a minute since I posted anything on this blog...but in case you're wondering...yeah, I am still clean and sober! I am coming up on four years, and more than ever I am realizing that it is all about surrender...my life is so much better when I don't try and fight reality...life on life's terms...better to go with the flow of things...

Turns out, I have to have some serious surgeries...don't worry though...I have ceased fighting everything...life is good...even in the midst of pain...there is joy...so you kiddies be good now...and think some good thoughts for me...and I will try and update this blog on a more regular basis...

Just for Today...

much love, Star...

Happy Holidays...

It's been a while since I blogged here, but I wanted to touch base and just say that staying sober is a lot of work, and it is especially hard during the holidays.

Seems like everyone is having parties, and everyone is drinking. It is easy to be fooled and start romancing the idea of drinking again.

However, if you are as seriously an alcoholic as I am, and are honest, then it becomes very clear that it is not a wise option. I might not have gotten drunk every time I drank, but I never knew when alcohol would ignite something within my chemical make-up, and cause me to act irresponsibly, where I could neither stop drinking once I begin, nor could I control my behavior after that craving took over and I continued to drink past the point of return...

I have been hanging out with family and friends, and that has made it easier. My son almost has two years as well now, and many of my close friends are in recovery. Today it is still real simple for me, not easy sometimes, but real simple. If I don't pick up I won't get drunk.

I hope everyone stays safe this holiday weekend...may you all be filled with your own joy...

always, Star...

Wonder~Filled Magic...

What is this wonder~filled magic...

That transforms our sorrow to joy...

Like a rainbow that opens its ribbon of sky...

Lets awareness peek in...flies passion so high...

Lifts all the blue...reveals color instead...

Raising our energy...when it is near dead...

Turns tears to laughter...frowning to smiles...

Allowing for bliss...wearing beauty awhile...

Tapping into this magical flow...

Nothing is held...and nothing’s let go...

Yet Joy of Being is dancing in rain...

Amidst all the sorrow...amidst all the pain...

Being opens space, for energy that’s free...

Dancing in time...knowing can breathe...

Wonder~filled magic...born on gratitudes wing...

Opening space in mind...for times heart to sing...

Accepting this magic...this knowing as real...

Opens experience, joy of being...to feel...

A shifting of mind...

Brings an opening of heart...

Where joy can create...

Nourishing all parts...

So grateful for wonder~filled magic...

That transforms our sorrow to joy...

Lets awareness peek in...flies passion so high...

Like a rainbow that opens its ribbon of sky...

Starlight Dancing...

More Will Be Revealed...

In time we have to say goodbye

And leave the past behind...

Move into the future

Where the past cannot still bind...

As you deal with 'Once Upon A Time'

Your psyche it will heal...

You'll need to pay attention

To the magic life reveals...

Don't stay in cages of yesterday...

Recovery wont stand still...

There's lots of beauty, lots of growing,

Time's yet to reveal...

If you get stuck in the sickness...

It is probable you wont get well...

Remember it takes a new pair of glasses

To distinguish heaven from hell...

Learn to live the moment...

Peace and freedom is there...

And happiness is yours to live...

By climbing your life stairs...

Dance along this journey...

Filled with joy you can be healed...

Gratitude for a second chance...

More will be revealed...

Starlightjustfortoday...

choices...

Seems like it has been forever since I blogged here...and lately, this choice thing keeps coming up. When I was using, I didn't have any choice but to keep on using. Something to do with that mental obsession and phenomena of physical craving that always happened once the drug, whatever drug it happened to be at the time, entered my system.

Today, I have a choice to drink or not drink. At least that is how I understand it...but is even that choice, only by grace? I suppose I could get hit over the head or get stuck on stupid at anytime and go back to my old ways of thinking and behaving, but not today...lol...there are those that claim that the 'God' of their understanding keeps them sober, and still others that claim that 'not picking up' keeps them sober...who is right? Maybe there is truth in both.

Of course there are those that claim we don't have any choices and that we are just puppets of our own conditioning...whether that be the conditioning that led us into addiction in the first place, or the recovery conditioning that we use to stay sober...

If I say it is God that keeps me sober, then it seems to me that that relieves me of any responsibility for my own recovery, and we KNOW that is not accurate. If I were to go back out, believe you me the blame would be on me not God and not the devil...so, if I don't go back out, is that not saying something about the healthy choices I have learned to make? Bottom line might be grace...but I have to walk in that grace and make decisions and act on those decisions accordingly.

Another thing I question is that if it is only this power greater than my self that keeps me sober, then why was I chosen and not so many others that have not been chosen or that have already died? Is this power a respector of persons? I don't think I will ever have the answer to that. It is a mystery.

Regardless, I am sober to day and very grateful that I am...I do believe it is by grace, but not by some God that sits in judgment on some throne in someplace up in the sky called heaven. The God of my understanding is awareness...and that too is a choice...or is it? Am I a puppet to the God of Awareness? LOL...well, it's working for me, so if it aint broke, don't try to fix it!

And having said that, if any other way works, wonderful!

Starlightjustfortoday...

Being honest with ourselves...

Sometimes it is so difficult to be honest with ourselves.  We do not see ourselves as others see us, and it is painful to admit to being mentally, emotionally, and spiritually ill.  It seems we fight it at every turn.   It is in working with others that I find out the most about myself, and while I may be recovered from this seemingly hopeless state of body, mind, and spirit, and have regained a sense of emotional stability and sobriety, I am still learning how to live life on its own terms, and sometimes it is very difficult to accept the realities of this dis-ease and the suffering and distruction it continues to cause, many times in the lives of those I love and I am trying to help.  I am learning to have a deeper compassion for others that are unable to be honest with themselves, and gratitude for my own recovery, and an ever emerging willingness to be of service to others in any way that I can.   With this however, I must also adopt a degree of detachment.  Balancing compassion with emotional stability is something I am learning to do.  Realizing how powerless I continue to be over people, places, and things is sobering in its own right.  The only thing I can change is me.  

always, star...

Journey of Recovery...three years sober today!

If someone had told me three years ago when those iron doors slammed shut with me trapped on the other side how wonder-filled my life would be today...I never would have believed them, nor would I have been able to understand even a fraction of the joy of Being that I now am filled with on a regular basis...

I was irritable, restless, and discontent, and I used people, places, and things to make me ‘feel’ better, or usually just to obliterate any feelings what-so-ever.  I ran from every one and everything, unless of course you had what I needed, or was what I needed...If you were a drug or a drink or an avenue to get them, you were my lover and my best friend...if you were standing in the way of what I wanted, I had no use for you and you were history...just like that...

I was not one of those kinds of people that threw their hands up and surrendered, and became willing to do things differently.  I loved doing things my way...still do...LOL...I loved getting high.  I loved to drink.  I loved the feeling of elation that it gave.  I loved the fact that my back and neck injuries did not bother me as much when I was using, and I felt on top of the world.  I could do everything that I was ‘suppose’ to do when I was under the influence.  I could play with my children, make love to my man, make time for my extended families and friends, create my music and art, dance, sing, cook and clean, interact with others...alcohol and drugs enabled me to live and lead a ‘normal’ life...until they stopped working...I was super-woman...until I fell from the sky and life shattered me into a zillion pieces...

When those doors slammed shut, I think I knew the gig was up.  The first few days were awful, as you might imagine.  Not only was I withdrawing from a lot of drugs, most of them legal perscriptions, but reality was also beginning to sink in...my family had turned their backs on me...I had no one to turn to anymore.  No one was coming to rescue me.   I had burned all of my bridges and my magic carpet had been pulled out from beneath me...I finally had to get honest with me and look at myself...I had finally run out of places to run...there was nowhere to hide anymore, and nothing left to hide behind...I had lost everything, and I do mean EVERYTHING...and everyone had forsaken me...there was nothing left for me to do except...surrender...

This was the beginning of freedom...this was the beginning of joy...this was the beginning of happiness...I need not look or search any further for heaven or Utopia...I have it right here on earth...my journey is one that continues to amaze me...my experience deepens with beauty and awe and wonder as I continue to open myself to this ‘spiritual way of Being’...

I am filled with such gratitude today...I am surrounded by people who REALLY love me...all my relationships with family members have been healed, and I have new relationships that are blossoming into healthy and happy friendships...I am constantly amazed at how wonder-filled my life continues to be...even in the face of difficulty...I have what I was always looking for in other people, places, and things...in all my searching, I found Jesus’  Kingdom of Heaven within me and all around me...and I am truly blessed with the peace that passes all understanding...and even Buddha’s bliss...the steps along this journey of recovery have been a path to freedom for me that began with surrender, willingness and honesty...and I am filled with appreciation for all that went before me...sharing their experience, strength, and hope...so that I can now experience this wonder-filled life...I have been given a design for living...a second chance...my feet were put upon a path that really goes somewhere...and I am so jazzed about sobriety and all that has been given me because of it...I have recovered from a seemingly hopeless state of body, mind, and spirit...my life rocks!

much love and joy to all...always, star...

For Daniel...

dear one you are so very thin...

trying to crawl out of your skin...

in your eyes such pain i see...

tears are falling...misery...

i knew you when you were a boy...

drugs already made you their toy...

you say you’re ready to be free...

you want what you can see in me...

you’re overwhelmed and filled with fear...

stay close dear one...keep yourself near...

if you want to really live...

and have something that you can give...

otherwise you’re gonna die...

the next time might be your last high...

you have a wife; three precious kids...

you know this is no way to live...

the past is past...let that shit go...

there’s something better you can sow...

the seeds of change...the seeds of now...

there is a way...i’ll show you how...

sharing experience, strength, and hope...

helps us live...helps us cope...

life on life’s terms without a drink...

promise of happy, joyous, and free...

a psychic change is what you need...

a power greater than your ‘self’ indeed...

go ahead...drop to your knees...

and live and face reality...

you are responsible...gotta grow up...

you know i love you...dude whudup?

we’ve been around this block before...

you made a choice...you wanted more...

you say you’ve finally had enough...

i’m still here...so is my love...

i’m grateful that you made it back...

now get serious and stay on track...

you know what it is you have to do...

work the steps...and just don’t use...

a design for living...a path to free...

given for drunks like you and me...

if you want this way of life, surrender your ‘self’...

start with the 1st step and follow to 12...

you can recover...you really can change...

you can go from crazy to sane...

it’s really always up to you...

and what you’re willing now to do...

i love you Daniel...just like a son...

begin right now...journey begun...

StarLight Dancing...

choose the tao...

i cannot rescue you...you must learn how to spread your wings...
to fly free from your cage...just listen to your heart it sings...
your cage is just illusion...the sky is there for you to fly...
see through all confusion...there is no other better high...
the universe unfolds...you choose the path you're on...
you can choose another way...whether to or not to play...
all within this moment now...you can choose the tao...
there is a world beyond your world...this moment you can find...
peace and bliss within your being...leave suffering behind...
within your darkest moment...you can breath the awe you are...
open up your soul to light...and dance on every star...
the universe unfolds...you choose the path you're on...
you can choose another way...whether to or not to play...
all within this moment now...you can choose the tao...
melt into this moment...melt into just what you are...
in a house or in a field...the mountain top's not far...
freedom is within you...that's where happiness is found...
the truth of what you are...never caged or bound...
the universe unfolds...you choose the path you're on...
you can choose another way...whether to or not to play...
all within this moment now...you can choose the tao...
you only have this moment...feel just what you are within...
fly free in the open sky...each moment life begin...
untangle all attachments...your spirit it was meant to soar...
spread your wings and fly with me...your heart's an open door...
universe unfolds...you choose the path you're on...
you can choose another way...whether to or not to play...
all within this moment now...you can choose the tao...
StarLight Dancing...

fear...

after you have finished writing down your resentments, the reason for them and what they actually affect in you...you need to make a list of everything you fear...in detail...

when we get together on Friday we will spend most the day discussing and looking at all of this in depth...

re-read these links...

http://starlightjustfortoday.blogspot.com/2008/10/resentments.html

http://www.blogger.com/post-edit.g?blogID=6671617987993654035&postID=3649858609783035659

http://starlightjustfortoday.blogspot.com/2008/10/trapped-by-habitual-unhealthy-ideas.html

http://starlightjustfortoday.blogspot.com/2008/10/what-i-did-this-to-myself-huh.html


http://starlightjustfortoday.blogspot.com/2008/10/attachmentscause-of-suffering.html

be filled with your own inner joy...

starlightjustfortoday...

three columns...

how do we begin reconstructing our past in a workable form of the fourth step?

after identifying the objects of our resentments, distinguishing them into who's and whats and writing them down on paper...(first column), we then put why we are angry or resentful towards these who's and whats...detailing what exactly they did to us that we are angry or hurt or resentful about...(second column), and then we target what that actually affects in us...(third column). for the third column, the big book gives us several options to list...self-esteem, pocketbooks, our ambitions, our personal relationships (including sex) were hurt or threatened, and if you will notice in the example, the word fear is bracketed and used in every instance...

you have to do this with your resentment list...before we get together...there is no need for us to get together until you do this...actually putting it down on paper...this is the work you have to do...so, get to work on this...don't put it off...

remember i told you that the fourth step was done in sections...we need to get past this section before we can move on...

go to a meeting today...find a home group...remember, this is a program of action and more action...

stay out of your head and in recovery...stay out of the past and future...and in this moment...(except of course when you are actively writing down this step...lol).

starlightjustfortoday...

attachments...cause of suffering...

the tape we play over and over in our heads of past occurrences...and our attachment to them...continues to cause us to suffer...the main purpose of the fourth step, is to honestly look at these attachments, and see them for what they are...by doing this, we can let them go, and move on...learning to live in the ever present moment of NOW...

reliving the memory of our painful past, only increases our suffering...replaying these memories, replay the pain, and until we look at them realistically and logically, they will continue to hold pain...and we will continue to habitually feel the pain of our memories...trapped in the illusory cycle of attachments...until we are able to look at these resentments that continue to keep us sick...and see them for what they are...we will not be able to know freedom...

when we break free of our habitual past...then we can know the true joy of living in the ever presence of NOW...this does not mean that life will not continue to bring challenges...life is life...but in honestly looking at it, we learn to live life on life's terms...realistically...our attitude towards life becomes a healthy one...it does not mean that we will not know sadness...it means that we will learn how to experience sadness in a healthy way...and we will not store it in our psyche, or in our bodies...and continue to relive it over and over again...

it also enables us to enjoy the moment...to the fullest...as we know that this life is transitory...things can change in the blink of an eye...as humans, it is normal for us to feel sadness...but in recovery, we learn to feel it, and then let it go...we learn to not hold on to pain...we learn how to live life freely and joyfully...tragic things happen all around us...and sometimes tragic things happen to our loved ones, or to us...but in recovery we learn to look at these things realistically...and instead of going into a deep depression or going on a using binge, we learn to feel to heal and keep it real...we learn how to experience life on life's terms...and we learn to make healthy decisions that prevent suffering in the first place...and so, when something does happen in our lives that causes pain, we can deal with it logically and realistically...pain and suffering are not the same...we must always feel pain, so that it will not become a habitual pattern of suffering...

we learn to distinguish the true from the false...we learn to experience each moment of our lives as it is...and we don't get stuck in suffering...we learn how to move through it...and simultaneously still experience the joy of living...even in the midst of difficult times...

when life brings us something that we cannot control...we learn to turn it over...we face life on it's own terms and we continue to pray for the willingness to exert our efforts towards courage to change what we are able to change...and our living experience of the now reveals itself as wisdom...

remember, the only thing we are usually able to change is our own perceptions...our own thinking...and our own actions...we must own our feelings...and move through them...and sometimes all we can do, is not use...and know...that this too shall pass...pain is the touchstone of spiritual growth...you are on a journey...you are learning to live a new way...a way that works...

read the promises...

much love and joy...always, star...

starlightjustfortoday...

universe is unfolding without my help...

my responsibility is to pay attention...

if you hang around recovery long enough, you begin to hear people talk about how this or that happened in their life and brought up this or that from the past...iow...the universe unfolded and brought exactly what we needed to look at...and it will continue to do just that...

until we begin looking beneath the surface of life's preoccupations, and get in tune with the moment of now, it is almost like the same things continue to happen, and usually, we continue to react the same ways...we have to learn how to respond differently in our living situations before change can take place...we have to learn how to use our brains, think for ourselves, and actually question the things that continually are being brought to our attention...

this is why feelings are so important...we can try to deny our feelings, but it is not healthy, and the longer we stuff them, and continue not to look honestly at them, the sicker we become...it is dishonest not to own how we feel...and it is illogical not to investigate the why of it...for when we begin to honestly explore the why of how we feel and react, it is there that we are able to face ourselves; it is there that this rigorous self-honesty opens us up to so many life changing possibilities...

the fourth step helps us to begin this process...we look honestly at our resentments...we list the people, places, and things that we have resentments towards, then we give the below the surface reason for why we feel this way...

one of my big resentments was religion...i saw it as controlling and hypocritical...i blamed them for spoon-feeding me guilt...and teaching me a whole array of delusional beliefs that caused misery and grief in my life...and prevented me from being free...

when i look honestly at this, i can see that it affected my self-esteem...it made me feel trapped in a system of perfection that i could not live up to no matter how hard i tried...i felt that it was designed to control my very spirit...and i was angry...

when i look rationally at this...i see that there are many people that do not feel the way that i felt...many people seem to live healthy and happy lives within all of these religious systems...and many of them do not develop deep emotional problems, begin to drink and drug, and become irresponsible criminals, as i did...most of them have respectable jobs, they pay their bills, and they take care of their families, and they are responsible members of their communities and their societies...so, it became impossible for me to judge this system in the limited context of how it affected me...and although, i have come to know many who have had similar experiences, this does not seem to be the norm...

i also had to admit, that there were many good things that came out of my experience with religion...was i going to throw all that out with what did not work for me? i had to finally admit that maybe it was my warped perception of things...now that does not mean that i have to agree with everything these religions teach, b/c i don't...but what that means is that i have to take responsibility for my own feelings and my own beliefs...and of course my own actions...i can no more blame the church for my behavior then i can blame anyone else...

i also had to admit, that most of the people involved in this, did not mean me harm...their intentions were good, even if it missed the mark with me...they were trying to teach me to be a responsible member of society...but since i was of the type to go to extremes, i could never find a happy medium within the religious organizations...but today, i realize that just b/c i could not, that does not mean that they are all bad...

so, this had affected my self-esteem, and when i could not be perfect...i rebelled, and thought that they had hurt me, and made me feel the way i felt...i never felt like i really fit in...and so, i began using...and doing the very things that i at one time hated...

when i really look at the bigger picture of things, i am able to see that regardless of what anyone taught me to believe, i am an adult now, and it is up to me to question these things for myself, and investigate whether they are true or not, and make a decision based on this information...no one can force me to believe anything...it is my responsibility...and this is the gift of recovery...and even though i may disagree with what religious organizations teach...they have that right...just as i have the right not to agree with them...I LOVE FREEDOM OF SPEECH AND BELIEF IN AMERICA!!!!!!!

the fourth step has helped me really look beneath the surface of my feelings and beliefs...to question everything...honestly...and it always brings me back to self-responsibility...making healthy decisions based on the information that...the universe unfolds...if i just pay attention...

feel to heal...and keep it real...just don't get trapped in these feelings...own them, and move on...

stay out of your head and in the moment...this is where life is...this is where recovery is...

much love and joy...

starlightjustfortoday...

what? i did this to myself? huh?

like a little child that wanders out into the street not knowing the dangers there...that is how we start off...then it becomes a matter of us not paying attention to the dangers...or ignoring them...b/c out in the middle of the street is what we want...some shiny thing, or something that we think is going to make us happy...and so, we blind ourselves to any consequences, and become obsessed with getting the shiny thing...no matter what the dangers...we are invincible...or so we delusionally think...and over and over again we risk everything to get the shiny thing that we delusionally think will make everything alright...

trunuf...i had physical injuries that needed to be addressed...but looking back, i never took the advice of my doctors and physical therapist...oh i pretended to for a time...to get the shiny thing...which in my case, at that time, was the narcotics....give me, give me, give me, and give me some more...ONE WAS ALWAYS TO MANY; A THOUSAND WAS NEVER ENOUGH...and so, my injuries never healed...and then when i took the pills, well they made me feel normal, and i thought i could do anything, talk about a clean house...LOL...i was superwoman, or so i thought, and so, not only did i not do what was necessary to heal what injuries i had, i compounded the problem by adding stress to the injuries and in fact made them worse! i needed more shiny things...LOL

now this is a physical problem i am speaking of, that becomes also an emotional and mental problem...but you can take any problem and follow it to this end...

when i met jo online several years ago...i was convinced that he was my prince charming...he was going to save me from myself, and if i could just move away from here, go be with him, everything was going to be alright...he was my shiny thing...(pills and alcohol and yes, illegal drugs had stopped working)...i refused to see the warning signs, and looking back, there were many...but i ignored them...i was convinced that he was my soul-mate, my one true love...and i proceeded to go out into the middle of the FREEWAY and play in traffic...i was running away from myself...escaping my own reality any way that i could...and i had to eventually take responsibility for that and stop blaming the cars on the freeway...afterall, the cars are just doing what they are suppose to be doing right?

we can take the metaphor a little further...it doesn't mean i can never cross the street...it just means that i must learn how to cross the street...where to cross the street...to look both ways before crossing...etc...I HAD TO LEARN HOW TO MAKE HEALTHY DECISIONS...IN ALL ASPECTS OF MY LIFE...(i am still learning)...

WHEN WE KNOW BETTER...WE CAN DO BETTER...ALL IT TAKES IS THE WILLINGNESS TO BE HONEST AND THE COURAGE TO DO SOMETHING DIFFERENT...

of course, the first one was to stop using...then to get honest with myself, and clean house...taking all my garbage out and disposing of it properly...and looking at what could and could not be recycled...that is basically what we are doing with this fourth step...taking inventory of ourselves...but when we begin to really see how everything we have done has led us to here...then we begin to actually be able to make healthy choices intuitively...by doing what is in front of us to do...with my higher power within, which i choose to call awareness, and my self-will out of the way, i do what the universe unfolds and puts in front of me to do...right now, it is lots and lots of stretching...LOL...i have ignored my physical health for so long, that now it is requiring a lot of attention...but that is ok...it is what it is...and i am already reaping benefits...i am breathing much better...and that is way cool! and my body is moving better, and it feels good...even breathing and moving through the pain feels good...cause i am moving and breathing THROUGH it...

anyways, the program of recovery is not about blame...blaming others or blaming ourselves...it is about taking responsibility and moving forward...whether or not i caused everything to go wrong in my life or not is not the point...whether or not there were cars out there that hit me on purpose or not is not the point...to use the metaphor again...the point is that today, i know better than to go and play in traffic...now that does not mean that a car might now jump the curb and hit me...LIFE HAPPENS...WE CANNOT CONTROL THAT...but when life does happen, if we are thinking realistically and logically, we have a great chance of making healthy decisions that do affect the outcome...for the better...

what am i saying? IF I AM NOT THE PROBLEM, THERE IS NO SOLUTION...

all these resentments you have written down and are looking at...are to bring you to the point of where you can look at them and honestly see that no matter what any one else seemingly did or did not do to you...to move forward...you must take responsibility for your feelings, your thoughts, your beliefs, and your actions...you must continue to look honestly at them...accept what you cannot change...and be willing to have the courage to change what you can...sometimes, it is just acquiring a new pair of glasses...iow...changing our thinking, letting go of our old ideas, opening up to new perspectives...lol...but it also always, always, requires action and more action...and sometimes that action is...EASY DOES IT!

look at your part in these resentments...how was it that you actually allowed things to happen that happened? ask yourself why you allowed it...look at why you were in that particular situation in the first place...MOST OF THE TIME, WE WALK RIGHT INTO OUR LIVES...AND WE CAN WALK RIGHT OUT...AND CHOOSE TO WALK ANOTHER WAY...but sometimes we are just there...and life happens...AND WE MUST WALK THROUGH LIFE AS IT HAPPENS...SOMETIMES WE HAVE TO FACE TROUBLES HEAD ON...BUT MOST TIMES...WHEN TROUBLE COMES ALONG...WE GET THE HELL OUT OF THE WAY AND LET IT PASS! LOL

every choice we make brings consequences...including the choices we don't make...the friends we chose, choosing to go eat dinner with our mom, what we chose to eat might make us sick that day, being around our mom might make us nutty lol...we have to begin paying attention to the universe as it unfolds...especially our bodies...b/c, we have neglected them for so long, they need our attention...and there is much that is available for us today...many times it just means...PHYSICIAN...HEAL THYSELF...to do that, we go within and tap into that power that is greater than our own self-will-run-riot...and do what is in front of us to do...i gotta go do some more stretches and breathing right now...lol...be filled with your own inner joy...always, star...

starlightjustfortoday....

trapped by habitual unhealthy ideas...

i spent most of my life blaming my mother for everything that was wrong in my life...if she had done this, or not done that...then i would have been just fine...

it wasn't until i became familiar with the program of recovery, that i began to see, that i was responsible for my own feelings and beliefs and actions, regardless of how i had been raised, or what my mom did or did not do...i was an adult now...and i needed to grow up...

when i looked into my life deeper with honesty, i began to realize how sick my mom had been as well...and what she had gone through growing up, made me realize too, that she had really done the best she could, and for the most part had tried very hard to raise me with a good moral system, so that i could grow up and be responsible...but b/c she had such a difficult life herself, she also tried to shelter me from the reality of the world...b/c she loved me and did not want my life to be as difficult as her own had been...

in the time my mother was raising me, guilt and control was the food of the day...religion was used to make people conform to society...and my mom's search for spiritual truths, soon became my own...my mom also, being the perfectionist that she is, expected perfection from me, and so i adopted this philosophy of thinking that i actually could be perfect...and i tortured myself with guilt all my life...and then there was the guilt i had of not ever living up to that perfection...

and so, it is not surprising that all my life i felt as if i was performing...and i never knew who i was, b/c i was always trying to be someone else...mix that with all the accidents i had, and sexual abuse, emotional abuse...and you have the makings of an alcoholic/addict...

when i was not escaping through spiritual realms, i found solace in my drink and drugs...i never learned to accept reality...never knew how to live life on life's terms...and so, i was self-will-run-riot...the rebel that i was...and ended up having to bash my head into the same brick wall over and over...until life unfolded and i was stopped dead in my tracks...

it was the best thing that could have happened...i finally had to look at me...and continue to have to do so every single day...

i love recovery...i love my life now...i love being free in this moment and able to look myself in the mirror...and know that i am responsible for me...this program of recovery has helped me to allow other's to be what and who they are...when i apply these principles in all of my affairs, i am filled with serenity...it is only when i get in the way that i have problems...but recovery is a journey...when i see other's through these new glasses...i see that each of us is on our own path...and i am humbled by life and this amazing power of the universe that lives within us all...

and so, i accept that shit happens, and i also accept that yes i made unhealthy decisions...but i also have to accept that everything that happened, brought me to today...and i like today...i love being sober and being responsible...i love this awareness and this awesomeness of life...and i can promise that you will too...

keep doing your work...look at your part...you will begin to see where every decision you made weaved your life...and although you might have been doing the best you could...you will begin to see where today, you can do better...much love and joy...*

starlightjustfortoday...

unpacking pain and the fourth step further...

whether it is emotional or physical pain...pain is what we must look at before we can go beyond it...when we allow someone or something to control us...we are not taking responsibility for ourselves...

while we still have someone or something to blame for our feelings, beliefs, and actions...we are not being honest with ourselves...growing up is taking responsibility for our own feelings, beliefs, and actions...

most of our misery is manufactured...meaning, we allow other's to hurt us...then we get angry and strike back...or we get depressed and withdraw...and this unhealthy cycle of reacting to circumstances becomes habitual...and until we realize this, we are enslaved by the very process that we have come to know as our life...

when we begin to honestly look at our own actions...we begin to see that we did many things that were unhealthy...we can always look around and find other's that are better or worse...but that is just a matter of perception and judgment...in reality...we are all doing the best we can...until we know to do better...those that do not get better, do not have the ability to get honest with themselves...but for the grace of god...there i go...another way of looking at that, is but for this awareness...there i go...

looking at the actions of other's in our life that seemingly did harm to us, opens up our understanding of why people act the way they do...looking at ourselves and our own actions, as they relate to harming others...enables us to understand that we are no different than others...except, we have found a way out of the trap...

when we are able to look at others with compassion, then we can look at ourselves with that same compassion...and realize that everything that happened brought us to today...and in today...we can have freedom through this realization...

and so, sure, life happens, people get hurt...but mostly, we hurt ourselves, and allow other's to hurt us...until we learn how to do otherwise...

the fourth step is part of this process...we learn to take responsibility for our lives today...and we learn through forgiving other's of their ignorance and illnesses, we are also able to forgive ourselves...we also learn that many of our problems were of our own making...and so, we learn to grow the fuck up...and live life on it's own terms...

does this mean we do not feel what we feel? no...we always feel what we feel...that is the only way to heal...but we must begin asking ourselves why we feel what we feel, and what can we do about it...b/c feelings can trap us...and we are stepping through the door of honesty to be free...and so, honestly looking at how we feel and feeling it...we are able to transcend it...and see it for what it is...

most of our resentments if not all, are based in fear...we fear we are not going to get something we want, or we fear we will lose something that we have...when we really begin to look at all these fears in their various forms...and again, get honest...we begin realizing just how much power we don't have...it always comes back to our self-will-run-riot, and our lack of power...and finding a power that is greater than ourselves...

through this process...we begin to intuitively know how to handle situations which use to baffle us...in other words...god is doing for us what we cannot do for ourselves...but one reminder...god will not do for us what we can do for ourselves...and so...we cease fighting...everything...and we accept what is...and we continue to do what is in front of us to do...when we become aware of a more healthy way...we ask for courage to take that way...when we are able to do so...we do...but also remember here...conditioning is habitual...and it is a process to do things differently...and so...we accept this too...

stay in the moment...stay out of your head...and in the solution...

if i am not the problem, there is no solution...when i am disturbed...there is something i am not accepting...and until i become willing to accept all just as it is...i am in fact separating myself from the spirit of life, and the peace and serenity that acceptance brings...but if i am not accepting something...then this is my clue to look beneath the surface...there is something i need to look at honestly within my own being, before i can then move into acceptance...

continue with your fourth step work...eventually the process will become apparent without you having to write it down and look at in in black and white...this may very well already be taking place within your awareness...but continue writing it down for now...

much love and joy...

starlightjustfortoday...