i spent most of my life blaming my mother for everything that was wrong in my life...if she had done this, or not done that...then i would have been just fine...
it wasn't until i became familiar with the program of recovery, that i began to see, that i was responsible for my own feelings and beliefs and actions, regardless of how i had been raised, or what my mom did or did not do...i was an adult now...and i needed to grow up...
when i looked into my life deeper with honesty, i began to realize how sick my mom had been as well...and what she had gone through growing up, made me realize too, that she had really done the best she could, and for the most part had tried very hard to raise me with a good moral system, so that i could grow up and be responsible...but b/c she had such a difficult life herself, she also tried to shelter me from the reality of the world...b/c she loved me and did not want my life to be as difficult as her own had been...
in the time my mother was raising me, guilt and control was the food of the day...religion was used to make people conform to society...and my mom's search for spiritual truths, soon became my own...my mom also, being the perfectionist that she is, expected perfection from me, and so i adopted this philosophy of thinking that i actually could be perfect...and i tortured myself with guilt all my life...and then there was the guilt i had of not ever living up to that perfection...
and so, it is not surprising that all my life i felt as if i was performing...and i never knew who i was, b/c i was always trying to be someone else...mix that with all the accidents i had, and sexual abuse, emotional abuse...and you have the makings of an alcoholic/addict...
when i was not escaping through spiritual realms, i found solace in my drink and drugs...i never learned to accept reality...never knew how to live life on life's terms...and so, i was self-will-run-riot...the rebel that i was...and ended up having to bash my head into the same brick wall over and over...until life unfolded and i was stopped dead in my tracks...
it was the best thing that could have happened...i finally had to look at me...and continue to have to do so every single day...
i love recovery...i love my life now...i love being free in this moment and able to look myself in the mirror...and know that i am responsible for me...this program of recovery has helped me to allow other's to be what and who they are...when i apply these principles in all of my affairs, i am filled with serenity...it is only when i get in the way that i have problems...but recovery is a journey...when i see other's through these new glasses...i see that each of us is on our own path...and i am humbled by life and this amazing power of the universe that lives within us all...
and so, i accept that shit happens, and i also accept that yes i made unhealthy decisions...but i also have to accept that everything that happened, brought me to today...and i like today...i love being sober and being responsible...i love this awareness and this awesomeness of life...and i can promise that you will too...
keep doing your work...look at your part...you will begin to see where every decision you made weaved your life...and although you might have been doing the best you could...you will begin to see where today, you can do better...much love and joy...*
starlightjustfortoday...
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
No comments:
Post a Comment