normal...

i know that i am not normal...nor have i ever been normal. for as long as i remember, i have never felt like i fit in anywhere...except maybe when i started singing on stage...that was the only place i felt...normal...whatever normal is! well, today, i had a normal day. i had had a great day yesterday with all my girls, but i really wanted to use...yes...there's that insanity rearing it's ugly little head...i did not use, but i was having these insane thoughts...then i began trying to analyse why i was having them...i got overly tired, and after we got home from all the goings on of the day, i went and laid down and just cried...my son had come by bearing gifts; he was on something, and i suddenly felt this sense of impending doom...well, i knew that it would all pass, but i was just angry with myself for feeling what i felt. i was in a lot of physical pain, i assumed from overdoing it, but then i am unsure sometimes whether or not the physical pain is caused by emotions being haywire...anyway, today, i woke up irritable; i turned it over to God, and low and behold, my day was filled with normal stuff, and i acted accordingly with no real problems...all the things i had feared were going to happen the night before did not happen...the doom was gone, and i mean, i had a house full of kids...still do...haha...but i have been managing fine, and now, another day is almost at a close, and i did not even think about using...it was just a normal day...soooooooooooo...gonna thank God for normal days now, since i have kinda had a first one that i can recall anyways...i have pretty much stayed in the day, nothing real exciting, but nothing tragic either...i am changing...it is easy to fall back on old thoughts and feelings...and behaviors...for that is all that i have known for a very long time. anyway, just thought i would try and keep it real...recovery is like life...it is going to have its bumbs! my point is...normal for me was using...period...whether good things were happening or not...whether i felt good or not...using was a way of life, and my life revolved around using. only because i am not using today...do i even have a choice. normal is not "top of the world"...but today it is ok...cause i know i wont have to crash and burn either...many blessings, star.

gratitude...

have been feeling very blessed the past few days...i am so thankful that this stomach stuff is better...found out that it could have been that little meal i had at taco bell last week...hmmmmmm...whatever...i have vowed to take better care of myself. when i was active in my addiction, the only time i went to the doctor was for a re-fill on my perscription drugs...if i had pain, i knew what to do; pop a pill; if that did not work, pop another. my health has been neglected because of that. it is a wonder i am not dead...guess God is not through with this one yet! today is my oldest grand-babies birthday; she is 9, and sooooooooo amazing! i am so grateful that she is a big part of my life. i am thankful i am sober and able to enjoy this day with her, her younger sister, and my beautiful daughter. will check in later...many blessings, star.

overwhelming...

when i was out there running from myself, others, and everything else, i did a lot of damage. when i came through the doors (so-to-speak) of recovery, getting rid of the drugs and the alcohol were only the first step. God has seen fit to keep me in this awareness of powerlessness, and today i am grateful for that. the damage is done; no need to cry over spilt milk, although the feelings and emotions i denied for so long do need to be felt and there have been many tears, and i am sure will be many more. healing is a process, and i did not do this to myself in a few months. i have been using some kind of drug or drink for many years. my body was, and in many ways still is...a wreck. it is said that we are physically, emotionally, and spiritually bankrupt...and i agree. i have no clue as to how God is going to fix me, that is his business. when i think about all the things that are wrong with me, it can be very overwhelming. i have no control over the past...it is history; but today i have tools that i can use to live...just for today. that is all i have anyway...right now. while it is true that i have many problems (who doesn't?), that need to be faced and dealt with, the only way i can do that, is one day at a time. i can dwell on the problems, and end up just as insane as ever, or i can do whatever it is that God puts in front of me to do today, and know that he will see me through it...hey! that is the second step! i thought i was beginning the fourth step...the truth is, i have to live all the 12 steps of recovery. i can never forget how powerless i really am, how powerful God really is, and i can never forget to be willing to let God be God! just for today, if i get too overwhelmed by things i cannot control...gonna let go, and let God...many blessings, star.

acceptance...

just for today, i must accept where i am, and what is happening in my world. i may not like where i am, or what is happening, but i still have to accept it. pain and suffering, sickness and even death, is all a part of life. it will eventually come around to all who live. i am truly grateful that the stomach flu i had is much better. i can actually eat solid foods again, and was able to even get out of the house today. the pain has eased, and i am looking forward to a full recovery. i have so much to be thankful for, and more often than not, i am not appreciative of the things that are most important. life is a gift...many blessings, star.

powerlessness...

unless i live this step...every day...i will soon forget just how powerless i am, and begin again to struggle against my creator. i have to cease fighting everything. i can control absolutely nothing. i have been physically sick with a stomach virus since Friday. am feeling some better, but still cannot eat without pain. just going to take it easy; drink plenty of fluids, and live through it. i am sure there is a reason, if nothing else, when it does pass, i will be very grateful...haha! many blessings, star.