Life happens...

i had plans today, but they have changed. today i can accept that, and any discomfort i am experiencing, i know will pass...and quicker if i drink plenty of fluids...haha! hopefully i will feel better by this afternoon, and at least be able to post my moment for today. i have been editing them; they were more religious than spiritual, and less real to me now, so each day, i try and let them deal with whatever is going on with me in that time frame...anyways, gonna lay back down and try and feel better...many blessings, star.

willingness...

in recovery, willingness is very important. i was not very willing when i first got sober. i was convinced that i could not survive without my pain pills. it took what it took. today marks seven months since my last use of any mind altering chemicals. i still find myself slamming the door on willingness sometimes, but recovery does not work without it. i still want what i want...but today that includes being sober. all it takes is just a little willingness to do things differently. my self-will has slammed the door between me and God...and no doubt will continue to do so on this journey of healing. willingness, in the smallest proportion, is all that is needed to open that door. just for today, i am willing...many blessings, star.

big sigh...

everything went the way it was suppose to i suppose...they were late getting started, so i got antzy...floated in there on what we like to call in the program "a pink cloud". by the time i walked out of there...it had turned into a storm cloud. i wanted to blame everyone but myself of course, been there done that; does not work for me today. if i am angry, it is my own fault. growing up in public SUCKS! don't misunderstand, the panal, and the judge had good things to say about me today...for a change, but even that pissed me off. i just wanted to go in there, say hi and by, get the hell out and go home. it was a long day already, and they decided to ask me all kinds of questions about my recovery, this website...see i cannot take criticism or praise...haha...somewhere there is a balance, and one day at a time, by facing myself...God will help me find it. i should have so much gratitude, and my head tells me so, but in my heart, i am still working through all these feelings and the wreckage of my past...and still, i just do not like having to do all this stuff. but at least i am being honest and not trying to say what i think i should, or what i think others think i should...hell, i am pissed off at myself. today i know that i have to feel the anger before i can work through it and get past it. i am the problem, and if i am not, there is no solution... today. many blessings, star.

ps. i am exhausted...physically, emotionally, and spiritually...staying sober, in this alcoholic/addict's mind is very difficult. there is no escape...the only way out is to walk through it...i am so thankful that it is almost bedtime!

Drug Court...

another wednesday...before the judge...even though i know that i have not used, and i have been going to my classes and my meetings, i hate going to court! but, i know that i am the one that put myself in this situation. no one put a gun to my head and made me do the things i did that got me to where i am today...but me, myself, and i. i am so past blaming everyone and everything else...that is progress for me. my stomach is churning, my nerves are on edge, and i physically feel sick. my solution? i am going to take a very hot bath, try and relax a little, spend some more quiet time with my Higher Power, try calling my sponsor again, go to a meeting...then go pee in a cup, and go on to drug court! i am really blessed to have so many people trying to help me stay clean and sober...it takes what it takes, and for this drunk and druggie, it takes this. today, it is God's way not mine! God knows what i need, i don't. if i have truly turned my life and will over to the care of God, then what ever happens today is God's will. many blessings, star.

control...

seems old habits die hard! a tornado blew in this morning, one of which i began blowing into creation many years ago...i was powerless...could not figure out what i was suppose to do, and finally after some praying, i realized that there was really nothing i could do except sit back and watch...it was hard to do; i wanted to step in and try and fix it...it is no longer my tornado to fix; i have passed it on. there is a lesson in it for me though...STOP CLICKING OUT DURING A TORNADO IN LIFE, AND YOU WONT HAVE TO BE FACED WITH THE CLEAN-UP FOR YEARS AND YEARS TO COME! haha! can laugh about it now, but this morning when the tornado's winds seemed to be reaching dangerous speeds, i was trapped in a panic attack! anytime i feel uncomfortable, i know now that it is about me...not really the tornado that is blowing around me. see, i clicked out of most of those life situations in the past, and did not learn how to deal with them. well, better late than never! many blessings...star.

triggers...

usually when we speak of triggers around people recovering from drug and alcohol addiction, it is in referrence to things that may trigger our desire to use...old playgrounds and playmates; or usually just anything that i might not want to deal with at the moment. i have had those kinds of triggers, but i just play the tape...for anyone that does not know what that means, i play the tape of what always happens when i use anything to escape reality...since i have been there, and don't wanna go back, that is usually enough for me. the triggers that i have been having, have to do with flashbacks of some very destructive behaviour that i was responsible for. uck! i sure do not like remembering those uncomfortable situations that i caused. but, being in recovery today, demands it. there is no easier, softer way. i have to work through the past no matter how badly i might want to slam the door on it. i have to be willing to listen, take suggestions, and work the 12 steps of recovery as so many before me successfully have. my way never worked! today i was driving down a familiar street, and remembered such a time...it made me feel bad, but i felt it, and let go of it, and did not allow myself to be trapped by it, and ruin my entire day. use to, guilt and shame controled my life. triggers are going to come and go...but each day of sobriety brings an emotional ability that i did not have yesterday. by walking through each day, each trigger that God allows me to face, only increases my strength for the next one. to me, this is living life on life's terms successfully, just for today...many blessings, star.

courage to change...

this one is a biggy! everyday i am faced with opportunities to change...now that i have stopped using chemicals to alter my perception of life, i am still left with life. i am still left with me. i use to always think that i could just pray for courage or patience or wisdom, and it would come. then when i did not get what i wanted when i wanted it, i gave up and used, or escaped in some form of addiction. today i know that God will give me what i need, when i need it; let's face it, i do not need everything i might want, and it is not always about me. most of us have more than enough. ever heard the term less is more, well, i understand that today. having courage is making a decision to try things a different way, and then walking through it. it is also stepping out into the unknown with faith. courage is getting out of myself, and becoming willing to face my past, walk through today, and hopefully contribute something besides chaos and insanity to my little corner of the world...just for today...many blessings, star.

emotions...

when i was in rehab, i went through trauma survivors treatment as well. i learned that i had stopped feeling at a very early age due to various trauma's i had experienced along life's way. i also learned that emotional turmoil, unresolved, can cause physical symptoms as well. i am not gonna get a quick fix here...and all my problems will not just magically disappear because i stopped using, or because i have turned to God. emotional growth is important, and since i "clicked" out of it most my life, one day at a time, i am going to have to stay present in the now to catch up. just for today, if i need to cry, i am going to cry. i am also going to try and figure out the source of that pain, so i can deal with it today. sometimes something in today triggers painful memories from the past...where ever these feelings are from, i pray for courage to face them today. there are some things i must do alone, but if i reach out to others in emotional crisis, i will always find a helping hand...many blessings to all, star.

My Child...

when you were still a tiny child with hands so very small,
your eyes were wide with wonder, you had to know it all.
your heart was pure and innocent, not yet touched by life
reality soon taught you... anger, pain and strife.
the faith you had soon turned to doubt;
your love hid deep within;
your wonder turned to fear and hate,
and they were now your friend.
you smothered me so very long that i was sure we'd die
but then you found a new friend, and we started getting high.
i wanted so to comfort you, and take away your tears,
but you had paralyzed our power; we existed that way for years.
sometimes you would call for me, but i could not respond
it seemed that we were frozen, but we always had a bond.
when you finally got honest, and mirrored that to me,
a miracle then happened, we both were then set free.
you'd broken things inside of you, we had alot to mend,
healing's always painful, but worth it in the end.
you asked me why i'd gone away and left you on your own,
your ways kept me in prison but you never were alone.
you listened and you cried alot, it purified your soul,
remembering what you forgot so very long ago.
with faith now strong and love reowned we now were on our way
once again I was your friend and led you thru each day.
the anger's gone and hate and fear, they fled and disappeared,
peace guards us now, like magic; that hazy doubt has cleared.
remember child and don't forget, and you'll never lose your way,
i am here inside you; each and every day.
you only need to come to me exactly as you are,
let my spirit fill you, and we will travel far.
i can show you many things, if you will but see,
relax my child, and be at peace; trust and believe in me.
sometimes you must just be still in quietness you will find,
that i will be there waiting; each and every time.
most times you're in a hurry; most things are'nt good for you,
i can see tomorrow when you have'nt got a clue.
relax and just be patient, enjoy your moments now;
learn to live just in today, watch, listen--you'll learn how.
your longed for peace is easy, as long as i lead you,
don't give me charge then take it back
before i'm half-way through.
my child you were my child you'll be until our journey's through,
if you will just remember: i am a part of you.
freespirited and restless dear child you were so born,
created in my image this earth you do sojourn.
one day you'll rest forever complete-in eternity,
we'll share one spirit in perfection, for you are a part of me.
until that time you must try to help others along the way,
remember: i work through you; be careful what you say.
your will is very stubborn, but once trained for the good,
i can then act freely, when you act as you should.
remember all are my children, i love each a special way,
there is no room or time allowed for games that people play.
when you let me lead you, like magic you will change,
you'll find such happiness in my peace,
such comfort when you pray.
i will fix the broken things and do all in my time,
i'll be with you always, because dear child, you're mine.

tlcoriginals...

On Stage...

The curtain will be going up any moment,
Her smile is already in place,
She's been practicing in front of the mirror,
So she will look natural on stage.
She remembers when she was a small girl of ten,
She wanted to go and play,
"Practice makes Perfect"; "You can do better!",
Her mother would always say.
Guitar lessons--tears in her eyes--
Memories to hard to recall--
She cried and begged Mom to not make her go back,
Abuse left her frightened and raw.
Kids at school; poking fun;
Laughing and calling her names;
Playing air guitars and mocking her voice,
So young to feel such shame.
Teenage years, dating not allowed;
More shows on the weekend to do;
Church on Sunday; she was so tired;
Was up night before until two...
Vacation, camping, she met some friends,
She did not want to sing;
Threats of hair-pulling-her-up on stage,
Mom got her back on track again.
Every summer, she had to work,
Out-of-town singing in pubs;
There was this friend of family friends,
He was so much older than her...
Once again, she wanted to be,
Just one of the crowd for a change,
Someone else, always in control,
There was money being made.
No one noticed; she was drinking;
No one even cared,
Dropped off in Texas at a bar,
Seventeen, on her on, and scared.
On stage she became, as she had been made,
Inside she was lost and confused,
Alcohol her only friend,
But soon came drug abuse...
Recording contracts, managers,
Agents, Producers, and Mom;
Drugs and alcohol consumed her,
So much to escape from.
Looking back she wonders,
Is she still living life on stage?
Waiting for curtains to rise and fall,
Is her life just a Play?
No time to think; no more drugs or drink;
But she still manages to smile,
Others are waiting to rip her apart,
She needs to be back-stage a while...
The curtain will rise, the curtain will fall,
She has turned the page,
Finding peace, in doing God's will,
She finds she's still on stage.
tlcoriginals...

panic attacks...

never even knew what these were, or that i had them...not suprising when one considers all the drugs and alcohol that i have used, and all the years i have used them...sometimes it is as simple as BREATHING...in and out; in and out; SLOW DOWN...BREATH...SERENITY PRAYER...BREATH...no fires today...(star is smiling atcha!)

210 days...

ok, i know some of you that have been following my website will wonder how i got from 196 days clean to 210 days clean in 3 days...haha! i miscounted! simple as that. what is amazing is that it was more halarious, than it was embarrassing...and so that is why i am sharing it! i won't tell you how long it took me last night to finally figure all this out...haha!

focus...

this has been so difficult to do today...it had been suggested to me early in recovery to begin scheduling my day. when i was going to iop classes (court ordered classes of intensive outpatient therapy), i did not like it (scheduling), but i half-heartedly did it anyway, well, cause i had to really...haha! i was always use to doing what i wanted, when i wanted, where i wanted, how i wanted, and if i didn't want...then it just wasn't happening! talk about self-will run riot! i am just now (four months later), realizing the importance of scheduling. it holds me accountable; helps me with fulfilling commitments , getting me out of self, and makes me responsible--for myself, and to others. well, last week i had been isolating so much that i decided to schedule more time out of the house. see, i have to get permission for everything i do, cause my behaviour landed me in jail, which eventually landed me in drug court...on house arrest. anyway, i scheduled my day, but failed to really communicate it to my daughter properly, and so, this morning, before i went to my meeting, i had an unscheduled arguement with my beautiful daughter...which, in my frame of mind, i was not equipted to deal with. oh well, it came...it passed, and i went on to my meeting which is just around the corner...haha...made a wrong turn, and finally it dawned on me that i was not focusing on what i was doing...haha! live and learn! walked into the meeting and listened to everyone...meeting was on gratitude...darn! heck, i'm grateful for everything right? i wanted to whine...anyway, i know that i am sooooooooo blessed...beyond what i deserve, but hey, i was focusing on the fight...knowing all along that i am the problem. there we go...finally something i am truly grateful for at this moment...KNOWING THAT I AM THE PROBLEM! hey folks, that is progress for me. today, i have many tools to use to get out of the problem and into the solution...gonna make a list tonight of my schedule tomorrow so it does not conflict with my daughters schedule...it is afterall, her house i am living in, her car that i am using...there... two more things to be grateful for...could be living in a half-way house (which is where they wanted to put me), and could be walking in this cold, or riding the bus...ok, ok, gonna take another suggestion and make a gratitude list, and start reading it every morning...many blessings, star.

ps...gonna have lack of focus days...it takes a year and a half to two years for the brain to start working properly again...so...just gonna have to deal with it...that's life...even normal folks have fuzzy days!

click...

if you have not seen this movie, please go rent it. don't want to spoil the movie for those that have not seen it, so just for my purposes here i will say that it is about someone that does not like where they are...they want instant gratification, without living through the day to day life STUFF. so, they click their way through life, only to find out that the living is in the day to day STUFF...there is such an underlining message that really touched all aspects of my life. i laughed and cried, and also realized that i do not need alcohol and drugs to click...i have been clicking...all my life; so much so, that i spent most my time on auto pilot. some of those emotions that i ran from are breathing down my neck hot and heavy today. i am just sooooooooooooooooo grateful, that today, i am aware of what it is, and i am not trying to click myself into a better space. gotta walk through it today, and know that i will be ok. the danger is in trying to escape where i am, or getting trapped by it...been there done that, gonna try something different, just for today. many blessings, star.

insanity...

ok, i am insane this morning...all you need do is read my moment to know that...however; i am going to a 12 step meeting...have to get my mind right...you see the problem was never drugs and alcohol...the problem is me...i am still selfcentered and in my own little world of me, myself, and i...just because the alcohol and drugs are gone...i still have me to deal with every day...i'll let you know how it went when i return...many blessings, star.

participation...

i use to isolate really bad...pull the covers over my head...and when that did not work, i would escape into movies, the Internet forums...and this was just last week! haha! my how one can change if one becomes just a little willing. i made a decision last week to begin scheduling my time, which is something that had been suggested to me a while back...hmmmmmmmmmmm...i have selective hearing still! i hear what i want to hear! anyway, it became painfully obvious that i was going to have to participate in life, to have a life...whow...how simple that sounds now! anyway, a dear soul (chip), suggested this...thanx chip...back to participation in my own life...my beautiful daughter has begun discussing things with me...it is so awesome! when she was growing up, i was not available emotionally or physically most the time. she became what she had to to survive...she is beautiful and awesome, and finally she is trusting me enough to share her life with. now is one of those times when my tears are tears of joy, and my smile is truly real...i am soooooooooo blessed. now, i have this website too, and it will help me journal, remain accountable, and be responsible for me...today i am participating in my own life...and it is wonderful...many blessings, star.

reality...

was thinking this morning, and almost laughed myself silly, about how my life is so similiar to
those reality shows. is that not true of all of us? i must have loved chaos and drama, cause i
sure knew how to keep it going! today...not so much, but hey, there is still enough going on
around me! and it is not so much that i could not have drama, it is just today i choose not to
play those tapes. i can get real crazy in my own head without a drug or a drink. today i try to
just watch it all, like it is a reality show of sorts. what i use to see as tragedy, most of it makes
for my comic relief today...i cannot fix anyone else, and it is not up to me to choose their path...
and in the end...it is NONE OF MY BUSINESS! just for today...think i'll mind my own...

many blessings, star.

anger...

feeling anger is ok! let me say that again...FEELING ANGER IS OK!
it is what i do with it, after i acknowledge it, and where i go from
there...it is such a relief to just be human...(big sigh!) i never
allowed myself to feel anger...i thought it was a big sin. today,
i know that anger is there for a reason. it tells me something is not
right. i have to look at my part in it...that is the only part i can
do anything about. let's face it folks, sometimes we live in such close
proximity to others, that at some point or another, we are
gonna get pissed off! and today, that is ok. just because i have
human feelings, does not mean i have to allow them to control me and
ruin my life...always before i drank and drug over everything...and
nothing...the sun was shining...the sun wasn't shining...ladadahdadah...
today... it's a new day, it's a new dawn, it's a new way...and i'm feeling good...
(thanx nina samone)

on my knees...

how does one begin a day...
on my knees...i humbly pray;
keep me sober...of sound mind,
and help me do thy will not mine...
out of self, i need to stay...
for "i" always gets in God's way;
clean my own side of the street,
and help another to their feet...

tlcoriginals...