another sober Christmas...

and it is awesome...it is just so wonderful not to be a slave to alcohol and drugs anymore, or anything else for that matter...no matter what life brings, and life is life, and eventually it's gonna bring it, but by staying sober, the peace that sobriety brings, can never be taken...

Merry Christmas...may you all be blessed with recovery...from anything and everything that stands between you and peace...

starlightjustfortoday...

surrender and accept...

sometimes this is the only thing one can do...when the world is unfolding, and my mind wants to question, and i am in that uncomfortable space of dis-ease...all that can be done is to pray for the willingness to be willing...surrender everything to the Universe...and accept that all is as it is...even my own dis-ease...

sometimes the hardest thing to do is the easiest...what ever is in front of me...lol...i guess i still sometimes just don't want to do those dirty dishes!

getting up and doing something different other than sitting in ones stew is a matter of just doing it!

starlightjustfortoday...

drama...

the holidays have their own drama going on...especially where dysfunctional families are concerned, but emotional sobriety means learning not to buy into it. it is not always easy when making healthy decisions; old habits, where loved ones are concerned don't die easy. the healthier you become, the easier it gets to recognize when the bs is starting to get serious. it helps to remember, that you can just say no. today it is very important that sobriety comes first. i do not have to participate in insanity...but, participating in my recovery is a must...and sometimes that means letting go of unhealthy relationships...so be it...sobriety comes first...and since i can only be responsible for my own recovery...ultimately my decisions must be based on that...

remember...if drama is really what you want...watch tnt...at least that way, you can turn it off with the touch of a button!

starlightjustfortoday...

turkey day!

another thanksgiving sober, and for that i am very thankful...learning how to make healthy decisions about life today; lol...sobriety is a life long journey taken one day at a time...it is an adventure; there is still much about life on life's terms that i haven't a clue about...sometimes i feel like a little girl still...learning about this and that...and it always boils down to surrender...to the Universe...and just do what ever is in front of me to do...i don't like making decisions...like should i go here or there for turkey dinner...lol...but, am learning how to do just that on a larger scale these days...keeping it simple...

starlightjustfortoday...

reminded...

when i 'think' i know what is good or bad for me or someone else...i am thinking with the same mind that got me drunk. the truth of the moment is only true in the moment...if i have truly surrendered my ego/self to the Universe, then whatever is unfolding is what is suppose to be unfolding in that moment...when i accept that i am NOT in charge...peace of beingness flows naturally, and since i am not caught up in the illusion or dellusion of the drama of the moment...true nature is then effortless and natural...

what a way to live! awesomeness of being in GRACE...

starlightjustfortoday...

OMG>>>18 months today!

i love sobriety...i love life...cannot imagine it being any other way...am so grateful to grace and the many ways it has always been there and carried me to right now...this very moment...awesome!

starlightjustfortoday

do...

what is indicated in the moment...what is natural...to do...be present...NOW...

starlightjustfortoday...

if...

you are still trying to control it, manipulate it, fix it, or change it in any way...you are not letting go and letting it happen...the way it is suppose too...

the Universe is unfolding NOW...look...see...be...

starlightjustfortoday...

addicted to the idea of addiction...

somewhere along the way, we may get sidetracked and become addicted to the idea of being sick...instead of actively participating in our own recovery...which requires making healthier decisions...and choosing recovery...

we can get stuck, no matter how much time we have clean...back into ego/self...wanting what we want right now...

it is very important to understand that the problem is not alcohol and drugs...

the problem centers in our minds...

the problem is our minds...

letting go of all old ideas...ego/self...and acceptance of what is...

is a process that has been proven to be successful when one willingly takes these 12 steps...

the only thing between me and you and me and God...is ego...

get out of God's way...turn ego over...surrender...NOW...

start making healthier decisions...

starlightjustfortoday...

Having had a spiritual awakening...

as the result of these steps...

there are 12 steps...

to Utopia...

which is the result as it is described by those that claimed to have recovered...

the spiritual awakening...is a promise...recovery is a promise...to be happy, joyous, and free...is a promise...you will comprehend serenity, and you will know peace...

these are only a few of the promises...

of this great, spiritual awakening...

wake up...and live life...and recover from this seemingly hopeless state of body and mind...

there is a solution...

starlightjustfortoday...

there is a solution...

turning ego over...surrendering it to a power greater than it...is the solution...

God as i understand...is consciousness...awareness...awakeness...

the big book calls God the Spirit of the Universe...it is ALL things...and in God all things move and have their being...

if you are not in the solution...you are in the problem...

if i am not the problem...there can be no solution...

which will you choose to be right now?

problem or solution?

turn ego/you over to the Spirit of Universe...

and be the true Self in grace...

starlightjustfortoday...

you can recover...

from this seeming hopeless condition...

don't let anyone tell you that you can't...

there are those that recover...and those that stay sick...which will you be?

"RARELY HAVE we seen a person fail who has thoroughly followed our path." (big book/how it works)

choose the path of recovery...NOW...

starlightjustfortoday...

memories of drug court...

i can remember a time early on in my recovery, that the judge point blank told me to mind my own business...at the time i was very upset by this, since i believed i was right in my assertations...i was living in a halfway house, where it seemed everyone but me was using...

when i am looking at your shit...i aint looking at mine...

and this lesson has come back to me many times since...and am sure that it will continue to do so...

it is none of my business what you do or say...and as long as i keep my own side of the street clean...then i wont be trudging in anyone elses shit!

thanx drug court...

starlightjustfortoday...

17 months...yeah!

sunday i had exactly 17 months clean and sober...and was reminded by a mirror put in front of me...where exactly i was when that happened...i was bankrupt...physically, spiritually, and emotionally...and what else this mirror did for me, was to remind me that i could go back to that real easy if i do not continue to put sobriety first...that little prayer to the right and down a bit from this post...is still my morning ritual...although it is grace that keeps me sober...i must stay in grace...

starlightjustfortoday...

staying in the day...

and what a day it has been...lots of laughter, lots of tears, lots of life being lived in the moment...and through it all, lots of us drunks and druggies stayed sober...don't use and go to a meeting...hit your knees, call your sponsor, read the big book, work the steps, thank your higher power at night...ask for help...go on...pick up that 900 lb phone...ASK FOR HELP! then follow suggestions...it is really simple...do you want stay sober or do you want to use? one day at a time...by grace...

starlightjustfortoday....

living in the NOW...

walking through what i have to walk through...and left the pain of yesterday...nothing has changed except...i got through to the other side...am in acceptance...and that is a wonderful place to be...fixing to go to a meeting...taking care of me...am very grateful for sobriety and recovery right NOW...and no matter what life brings to me...i can stay sober with God's grace...and just doing the deal! this is where freedom IS...and I AM...peace.

starlightjustfortoday...

and then life slaps you...

someone i love is out there...struggling, not even knowing what it is he is struggling with...my son...am feeling the pain, and walking through it...there is nothing else to do except turn him over...let go and let God...and accept whatever happens today...

i am grateful today for my own sobriety...and even though i know the possibilities of survival out there in active addiction are not promising, he does know about recovery...of course so did i and i stayed out there for years...and had to be forced into it with jail and drug court...right now all i can do is love him and pray for God's will in his life...

took care of me, and went to a meeting, as i do every day...am again experiencing step one...the absolute powerlessness of this disease...it is only by grace that i am sober today...

life on life's terms is not easy sometimes...but it is doable without a drink or a drug...and that would only make things much worse than they already are...soooooooooo...i am at peace about it...but i am still a mother in pain...and today, that is ok...it is just where i am...and where i am suppose to be...

starlightjustfortoday...

Universe unfolding...

without my help! lol...no expectations today...what a slice of heaven that is! it is so amazing when ego steps the hell out of the way...awareness is...* is smiling...and dancing in the magical world of sobriety...wanna dance?

starlightjustfortoday...

working with others...staying sober...

there is nothing like working with other drunks and druggies to keep this drunk and druggy sober...one day at a time...

this is the main reason that the program works...you cannot keep it unless you give it back...

starlightjustfortoday...

sought through prayer and meditation...

this...in actuality is communion with your higher self...and if just practiced can bring overwhelming, wonder full results...there is power in this step...the 11th step...

praying only for the knowledge of God's will and the power to carry it out...

amazing stuff!

it works!

starlightjustfortoday...

a higher power...

the only requirement...is a desire to stop using...

of course, eventually i realized that using was not really my problem...my problem was me! once i stopped using, it became obvious that i did not like myself very much...and wanted to change, but how? i could not even stop using without divine intervention...

'lack of power' was really my problem...

i had to come to believe in a power greater than me...

i was pretty fed up with my god by the time i got sober...so i was ok with the idea of a new concept...the old one just did not work...and so, the thought of a power, a conscious power, that was in control of everything was just what the doctor ordered!

today, my higher power is out the box of mental concepts...infinite, unknown, and all powerful...

when i just allow everything to be as it is...my higher power can and does work through me...all things through the grace of conscious being...

starlightjustfortoday...

moment for today...

September 28

Going back to old habits is like revisiting familiar places.

Even though our old habits may be bad for us, we know what to expect for the most part, and they are comfortable. Change is unknown territory, and can be very frightening. That is why slipping back into old behavior is so common—even when it is self-destructive.

Moment by moment, I will ask God to help me discover a more perfect me, and learn to be at home there.

tlcoriginals...

progress not perfection...

we claim spiritual progress...

there is such freedom in living one day at a time...keeping oneself centered and anchored in their higher power...always pausing in that stillness of conscious contact...the answers will come naturally...and you will intuitively know how to handle situations that use to baffle you...(B.B.)

being comfortable in one's own being is a gift of grace and sobriety...just knowing that all is as it is suppose to be...is also a gift...meeting the universe with this knowing, is in and of itself a breath of peace...just for today...i am that breath...

sobriety rocks! always, star.

Moment for Today...

Have you yearned desperately in your heart for something, gotten it, and then latter realized it was not what you thought it would be?

When we were small, and Christmas would come, we always expected to get what we had asked Santa to bring. When we got what we wanted, we were at first exhilarated. Soon, however, we were over the initial feeling, and easily tired of what ever it was. Lasting happiness does not come from things external. No one or no thing can give us that inward peace and contentment that comes from within our own spirit. The only thing that permanently fills that emptiness inside is God and His love.

Moment by moment, I will yearn for God’s Kingdom, and He will supply my every need.

tlcoriginals...from my little book of moments

Suggestions from a friend...

Breathe in,
Breathe out.
Don't think,
Don't Drink.
Go to meetings,
Get a Sponsor.
Read the Big Book.
Don't take a drink even if you think your ass is gonna fall off!
And if it does, put it in a paper bag and take it to a meeting!
Just don't drink or drug.
(Tolar Bryant)

thanx j...

always, star.

thinking verses doing...

"I cannot think my way into right living...must live my way into right thinking."

(Chuck C. {New Pair Of Glasses})

Not only is this from one of my favorite recovery books, this is also one of my favorite sayings.

When you are all caught up in your head...get up and do something different! It is just that simple! You will soon find that Heaven is just a new pair of glasses! (Father Ed)

starlightjustfortoday...

Today...

Today is the first day of the rest of your life.

Right here...right now...is all we have...yesterday has come and gone...tomorrow never comes...

Live...today...

star...

waking up...

the greatest thing about waking up in the morning, or late morning...(lol), is that you wake up without a hangover...

there is another kind of hangover however; it is an emotional one. if we acted in ways that are inharmonious to our recovery the day before, we will surely feel it in our being upon awakening.

now that recovery is less about the drugs and alcohol, and more about our emotional reactions and behaviour, it presents a chance for us to really look within ourselves with that rigorous honesty that is the tool to recreating our lives now.

we must 'get right' with ourselves and our 'higher power' before we can truly 'get right' with another...

as we continue practicing self-honesty, and work on us...amazing things start to happen...we begin to be a part of, instead of apart...we begin to care for others in a genuine way, and we think less of ourselves...and we inevitably intuit that the Spirit of the Universe is definitely doing for us what we cannot do for ourselves...

we begin laughing more, losing ourselves in service to others...

this does not mean that we do not take care of ourselves...every morning is spent in prayer and meditation to improve our contact with that power greater than ourselves...however; we have come to believe that God knows what is best for us, and so we leave the things we cannot change to God...and just go and wash those dirty dishes!

starlightjustfortoday...

being IT...

grace and gratitude...essence of being...

justfortoday...

always, star...

doing 'stuff' differently...

this is what life today is all about in recovery...

change, change, and more change!

use too...i did not like change...unless of course i was uncomfortable where i was...and in the beginning of my sobriety...anything was better than where i was, so i pretty much enjoyed that pink cloud i was on!

life is an adventure...an awesome awakening to what is...

i use to hate waking up...and getting out of bed in the mornings...so, i would sleep till late morning...and still did not want to get up!

here recently, been doing some stuff differently, and have been waking up early...and in a pleasant frame of mind! go figure!

just more evidence that this recovery 'stuff' really does work!

justfortoday...star...*smiles

no tears in heaven...

sobriety is about learning to live life on life's terms.

this means not escaping.

sometimes life is painful; this is a fact of life.

moments of pain must be walked through.

this does not mean that suffering has to be a place for the mind to dwell.

it has been said that many in recovery find that they need look no further for Utopia...

this is what i have found...it is just that my heaven has tears today...for how can i otherwise know joy and happiness...

the gift of grace is peace even through the storms that life brings...

i don't want a heaven today without compassion and yes...tears.

living life...truly living...is in accepting whatever the Universe brings to you...

starlightjustfortoday...

Be gentle...

"Be gentle with yourself,
No less than the trees and the stars;
You have a right to be here.
And whether or not it is clear to you,
No doubt the universe is unfolding as it should."
(Disiderata)

911...thoughts...

what began with 911 has not ended...there are still innocent lives being lost, and many suffering the psychological pain of what happened six years ago today...

sometimes it is so very difficult to understand why these things happen. i am not wise enough to understand them, and questioning them does absolutely no good. it is human to want to 'do' something to make it all go away some how...but in the end, what really can be done? i don't know.

i honor those that have suffered...and send warm thoughts out to those still suffering...

may the peace that passes all understanding dwell in all hearts and minds today...may whatever we do lead to a happier, healthier, more loving world...may we touch the hearts of others with our light...always.

sober today by grace...star.

16 months...

a day at a time...in a row!

tomorrow will mark my 16th month birthday clean and sober...awesome stuff! grace is here...in this moment...and has seen fit to bestow it's beauty...

going to finally graduate drug court next wednesday, september 19th...yeah for me!

will be celebrating with my home group afterwards...

i love sobriety!

starlightjustfortoday...

sober holidays...

this is my second labor day sober...by grace...

spent the weekend with family and friends...cookout...good food, good friends...laughed and had lots of fun...

amazing the things that LIFE brings when one IS open to IT...

starlightjustfortoday...

Resting In The Unknown...

It is so quiet here...so peaceful...so absoutely freeing...
no boundaries or limits of time and space; no thoughts, no problems;
just peace of being...floating;
consciousness that does not need to know, and because it does not need to know, it is known...
let the physical body and the mental mind melt into all that is...within...
are you smiling yet? eyes closed; nothing to emerge;
your breathing that is not yours is relaxing into itself;
feel it in every inch of your body...no thoughts; just peace;
tlc...

the road of happy destiny...

must be trudged...

every morning, for some unknown reason i still wake up with me!

today i find myself being grateful for that...

i roll out of bed and hit my knees and ask the God of my understanding to direct my path...i surrender to that power, and take the first three steps...

my mind is not a very good place to be in the mornings for whatever reason, but today, i am learning to be content with the mind that i have, and am just trying to allow the spirit of the universe to recreate me to ITS design and plan...

have done it my way for long enough...am trying to let go absolutely of ALL old ideas...and accept where i am at this moment...

i can't...God can...gonna let God...

or, HELP...also works!

starlightjustfortoday...

where is God...?

God is conscious being...

God is in the moment...NOW...

God is not in yesterday, not in tomorrow, and certainly not in your head!

God is within...

starlightjustfortoday...

pain and misery...

pain is inevitable...misery is optional...

you stump your toe, pain comes then goes...

misery is when we relive the pain over and over again in our minds...

misery is self-created...

most of our suffering is psychological...

if we learn to be present in the moment...pain will come and go...

misery cannot live in the moment...

starlightjustfortoday...

cease fighting everything...

when we are finally able to do this...

peace is...

starlightjustfortoday...

no big deals...

getting sober has taught me that there are just no big deals today...

what i get upset about in the moment...is not really going to matter much in the larger scheme of life...

they are just baby fits...

it is kinda fun now to sit back and watch grown folks pitching baby fits...mirror mirror...

i don't mean this in a bad way, it is just i have 'been there done that', and it is halarious now that my higher power has such a sense of humor as to show me through others...my self...

today i can smile and say..."i use to act like that"...and may again tomorrow!

one day at a time...

starlightjustfortoday...

not taking things so personal...

when i first got sober some 15 months ago, i was very sensitive, and took a lot of things personal...that had to have been because i thought that the world revolved around me...(LOL)

today, not so much! haha...thanx to a program of recovery, i have matured a little anyways! and today, when someone is acting out, i am able to look past that and see a person in pain...

am beginning to see that the ONLY reason someone hurts another, is because they are hurting themselves.

today i do not feel the need to be right, or to take up for myself, or make excuses when someone appears to be accusative towards me or down right hateful...it is also a mirror of myself...that reminds me of old behaviours that i do not want to pick back up...

this is a blessing for me...to be able to look beyond another's hatefulness and see their humanness and pain...and to just not make a big deal out of it! progress...also, understanding this, keeps me from harboring resentments that can only hurt me...

my stuff, your stuff, and God's stuff...it is just that simple...

starlightjustfortoday...

working with others...

ROTF...as if!

what has got me laughing at myself, is that it is easy to get all caught up in the fact that 'i' am working with others...helping them!

working with others helps me see myself...and that helps me more than anything i could ever do to help another...we can only point the way; it is an inward journey...i must do my own work...

that is how it works...

was with someone earlier, sharing my experience of working the fourth step; in helping them get started, something was uncovered about myself in the process...haha...go figure!

just wanted to share that little tidbit...

starlightjustfortoday...

pride...

am amazed at how this thing works...we never seem to be able to see ourself, until it is mirrored back at us by another...

when we see something we do not like in someone else...remember, that is just a reflection of what is within us...

this is where that rigorous self-honesty comes into play...

i really have no place else to go except...WITHIN...

when faced with pride of self...watch it; observe it...it is only a shadow on a golden soul...allow it to fade...naturally...

this is where praying for the willingness to be willing will come in handy...

starlightjustfortoday...

willingness...

is it possible that this willingness is the key to everything?

sometimes, i have to pray for the willingness to be willing...

then, even after all is said and done (12 steps), i have to be willing to allow the universal conscious to recreate life...in the moment...

when all our old 'stuff' is cleared out...a presence of spirit with power is felt within...

we begin to intuitively KNOW...

starlightjustfortoday...

when your world...

when your world becomes too much to take,
take refuge in the spirit...
when your world seems overwhelming,
hit your knees; turn it over;
when you have done all you can do...in your world...
leave the results to the God of your understanding...
when your world is there before you...
do what is in front of you to do...
when your world is mirrored back...
face the fear within...
go with God and KNOW...
within your being...there is peace...

starlightjustfortoday...

healthy relationships...

many of us coming into a program of recovery have enough to do with managing the relationships we already have...i would suggest doing what God puts in front of you to do before you go seeking any new relationships to become addicted to!

the big book tells us that it is on the 'family afterward' we should focus our energies...this is where WE have done the most damage, and to run from these, would be to run from responsibility...

in the beginning, there might have to be a 'time-out' where family is concerned...this is understandable and advised...but we cannot expect our life or any new or old relationships to change, if we have not done the necessary work on the relationships we have had a hand in destroying.

healing old wounds is not easy...but if you have made an effort to work the steps, clear away the wreckage of your past, and have become willing to make ammends as you have opportunity...then YOU WILL be amazed before you are half way through...

however; sobriety must come first...if this means staying clear of unhealthy situations for a while, so be it! you must be healthy enough to deal with the unhealthy situations you have created...

i use to wonder why my life has seemed so much like a merry-go-round...the same situations just keep coming back! well, they will continue to present themselves until we get the message that we must do what God puts in front of us to do...no matter how difficult!

starlightjustfortoday...

pink cloud...

had a great meeting today, and was reminded of how it can be when first in the program...it must be a God thing, for many of us to experience that spiritual 'hi'...what is so ironic, is that as one progresses in the program of recovery, that pink cloud returns...in a more mature way, if you will...

sooooooooooooo...be encouraged! you can always have your pink cloud; given by grace...if you are willing to work for it...so-to-speak, one day at a time...

starlightjustfortoday...

discouragements...

if these did not come, there would be no journey...no lessons...no life...

we can look upon these as an adventure of self discovery...

when discouragements are faced for what they are...

{which they are always, when looked at from within, rooted in selfishness...(sorry!)}

...they disappear and the energy felt as discouragement or frustration...levels out and becomes peaceful essence of being...

starlightjustfortoday...

home group...

am soooooooooooooooo thankful for my home group...

this is where i 'show up' every day, and work towards having healthy relationships. this is also where i am able to practice that rigorous self-honesty...this is where i learn how to be responsible. this is where i learn how to live life on life's terms. this is where i give back what i have been given. this is where i can be at home; and learn to be comfortable in my own skin. this is where my friends will tell me the truth about me...good and bad!

lots of times we come into the program so beat up we don't think there is any good...this is just another example of the unhealthy extremes of the alcoholic-addict thinking...

not only do we need to be called on our 'bs'...we also need to be encouraged...

thanx to my home group, 'happy destiny'...much love going out to them today...

starlightjustfortoday...

setting healthy boundaries...

this is not an easy thing to do, at first; but with practice, it will begin to come naturally...

always before, when i was using, i made horrible decisions that always got me into trouble...either spur of the moment without thinking, or thinking to much a plan of controlling a situation to get what i wanted.

i would do for others, to the extremes...(it is called the martyr syndrome); latter, after i got sober, i realized that this was just another way to make myself feel better in the moment about myself...then when someone would push the envelope, so-to-speak, and take advantage of my 'goodness' (cough, laugh), i would be pushed to using again, and that is what I used for justification every time...it was a vicious cycle...

this was my pattern, and the pattern that those around me, my loved ones, also learned. when trying to repair relationships, especially those of close family, they do not understand that i have to say no now, for my sobriety, but also for their good. if i do not teach those around me to be responsible for themselves, then how can i help them? sometimes the help we give enables the other to be irresponsible...(not to mention relieves me of my sanity!)

so, sobriety is teaching me that many times i must say no. if i become overwhelmed by trying to fix or handle your stuff...which is impossible to do anyways, then my sobriety is threatened and i am no good to anyone...especially myself.

this is very tricky at first; i am not use to setting healthy boundaries...and i still have those buttons that are easily pushed, especially by close family members. have to turn all that off and over...and sometimes the only way i can truly love my family, is at a distance.

it is true that when i am spiritually fit i can go anywhere, but sometimes walking into a situation where i know my sanity will be threatened is just insane! sometimes it is just best to go to a meeting instead!

starlightjustfortoday...

things i am grateful for...

there is soooooooooooo very much i have to be grateful for; funny, but when i have an attitude of real gratitude, i feel so blessed; as if nothing can touch me but God's grace...

this is my (top ten) gratitude list for today...

1) Sobriety! i am sober by the grace of God...had 15 months of clean
time on August 7th...

2) Drug Court...yeah that's right! no matter how frustrating this can be,
this was the way my higher power intervened in my life...

3) Ms. S...she knows who she is! she has been one of my angels...and has
always had encouragement and hope to give...

4) My home...humble as it is...there is no place like it!

5) Writing...because of this, i am able to get out of me what is bothering
me...believe me when i say, there is nothing that compares with being
able to journal your insanity away...haha!

6) my laptop...hehe! yeap! am very grateful for that!

7) KK and Lee...for their childlike spirit that helps me stay in the
moment.

8) life and its lessons...without it...what would i be?

9) the peace that passes all understanding...a gift from the God of my
understanding.

10) last but not least...God's Grace...which makes everything possible!

remember: with an attitude of gratitude...comes bliss...

starlightjustfortoday...

hope...

sometimes it seems the world's against us,
no matter where we turn;
we laugh or cry, as life goes by,
another life lesson to learn.
sometimes it seems that life's unfair,
that injustice knows no end,
then just as quick the storm clouds pass,
God's sun shines in our hearts again.
if we can just hold on to hope,
as a seed within our soul,
hope can bring so many things,
so hold on...and don't let go...
tlc...

angel...

God sent me an angel,
an angel of his grace,
on the wings of this dove,
he sends his love,
hidden behind your face...
sometimes it is just a smile,
sometimes an encouraging word,
sometimes it is just silence,
in silence truth is heard...
when life comes at me hard,
i know God's angels are aware,
i reach for your always open arms,
and find that hope is there...
i thank God for putting YOU in my life,
what a blessing YOU have been;
i know that even when i fall,
YOU will help me to my feet again...

tlcoriginals...

closed doors...

it has been said that when God closes a door, he always opens a window...

sometimes we get so trapped in our 'closed mind', that we cannot see the window...or the forrest for the trees so-to-speak!

in times of turmoil and confusion, we must pause and just be still...i know it is hard to do...but this is the only way that we will be able to see God's window...

there will always be doors slamming in our face; our first thought, at least mine has always been to give up...we do have to give up fighting those things we cannot control, but there is a difference in that and in just escaping from it all...for in reality, there is no real escape...we must walk through every door that God opens, and when the doors are closed...we must be still to see God's window...

as long as there is breath, there is hope...sometimes it is this hope that is the window of God...

starlightjustfortoday

this moment...

live and be in this moment,
this one, not the one in your head,
be aware of the eternal now...
every other moment is dead...
you cannot relive yesterday,
tomorrow it never arrives;
the only way to live is today...
only this moment's alive...

tlcoriginals...

when trouble comes...

sometimes the best thing i can do, when trouble comes along, is to get out of it's way and let it pass...

what is meant to happen will happen...am absolutely convinced that we have no control over anything outside of ourselves. all i can do is look within, and see my own truths, and pray for willingness to do God's will. in actuality, it is God that must recreate my life...i just have to stay out of the way...

starlightjustfortoday...

sober by God's grace...

God's grace comes in many forms...i know that i am sober today only by the grace of God...there seems to always be 'things' going on; with your loved ones and in the world around you...don't have any control over what comes flying at you at any given moment, but if you are spiritually fit, you can "intuitively understand situtations that use to baffle you"; that is a promise from the big book of Alcoholic's Anonymous.

can't say that i understand some of the 'things' that are happening around me at the moment...but i can say that by accepting everything, exactly as it is at this very moment, i can still have peace within. i still have to get up and 'do the dishes' so-to-speak, and that seems to be where i am at the moment...praying for the willingness to just get up and do what i can do...and leave all the other stuff to the God of my understanding. am not saying that all this is always easy; it is not. the mind still wants to get in there and fight for it's rights and it's position...but at least today, for the moment, i know that none of my old ways of thinking work...

it is really ironic, to have come this far, and to realize that i did not go anywhere...soooooooooooooooo, i am back where i began...

powerless...over people, places, and things...

God's grace is the power that i look to today, for i am only sober by God's grace...

starlightjustfortoday...

just another day...

this may well be just another day, however; it is a milestone for this one! am going to go down town in an hour or so and pee in a cup for my last time...and then go to court to graduate this drug program that i have participated in these last 15 months...

i may be free of the rules forced upon me by the courts...(yes i know...the consequences of my behaviour! got that...)

but i will never be free (except maybe in the moment) of the dis-ease of me, which has appeared as addiction, but is only a symptom of an underlining insanity and dis-ease of body, mind, and spirit...

one moment at a time...

i have a good foundation...i suppose it is up to me what i do with that?

am going to do what i have been doing...one day at a time...turn over my will and my life to the care of God as i understand, or don't understand God...

and let the God of my understanding, recreate my life...one moment at a time...

starlightjustfortoday...

playing dressup...

life is a curtain call...

when i was a kid, i use to love to play dressup...the dresses were all to big, the shoes were not my size, but oh what fun i had pretending...the problem with growing up? playing dressup becomes too real...we get to tangled up in expectations that we were free of when we were just children; playing; trusting with that child-like faith that was not forced...infact, we were probably not aware of it, for that same reason: it was our nature...

'knowing' i am 'playing' dressup has been a real gift of grace.


it is a far cry from the 'me' that was all caught up in the game, not even knowing that it was a game...

play the game...but know that it is just a game...and that it is just a 'part' you are playing...

you can smile...and know...and play...

the universe is a playground...so go and have fun!

starlightjustfortoday...

shadows...

shadows wont disappear until they are done...

until you face your fears and walk through them...this means feeling them without running from them...surrender will be futile...

you cannot surrender something that you are not even aware of...

listen to your body...

when you are overwhelmed do your eyes not automatically tear and cry?

let your body tell you when something is wrong...your mind will lie, and those lies are materialized physically if you do not deal with them...

remember that we are usually dealing with years and years of lies...and our bodies as well as our thinking, are usually a twisted mess of energy trapped by illusion...

the most important thing to remember is self honesty...be as honest with yourself as you can be...God will reveal more as you are ready to accept it...

don't fear the shadows...don't run away from them...embrace them, for it is in embracing them that they vanish...

what you are...IS...free...

starlightjustfortoday...

surrender...

when we truly and completely surrender to the power of the universe, and accept God's world as it is...NOW...freedom is the gift of grace...

makes one wonder, why in the world do we continue to take suffering and turmoil back? am convinced that it is out of habit that we do this...if we do not feel peace in every inch of ourselves, then there is something that we are still holding on to...we must let go absolutely...

the spirit of the universe cannot work freely through us, if we are still in the way...

letting go absolutely takes practice...and it is progress that we measure by...not perfection...

all of our ideas were learned...

during your morning meditation, try and go back to that place where awareness was free of...you...

ask God to direct your steps...be conscious that a power greater than you is actually breathing you...centering you...

you will begin to feel all the tensions leave your mind and your body...

you will be peace...you are peace...one needs only to surrender everything...and what will be left is what you are...peace...

starlightjustfortoday...

peace and turmoil...

is this not just a matter of perspective?

God woke me up this morning, as God has every morning...left to my own devices, insanity rules!

i had to hit my knees, and admit and accept that i am powerless...surrender and accept that there is a power greater than me...and then turn my will and my life over to the care of that power...

simple.

it works!

i am sooooooooooooooo grateful for these simple little things that i can do for me every morning, and it prepares me for the entire day...no matter what happens, for me today, is God's will!

this is not about what is going on in the world i see...this is about what is going on on the inside. the world around me is nuts! my mom is in the hospital, my son and sister are headed that way, my daughter is moving away with my grandbabies...but i am at peace! wow! that is the miracle of my higher power...

i began my day by asking for direction...and surrendering to this power of the universe and beyond...if you do not believe this works, try it...right now...take the first three steps into a life of peace and serenity...

1) i cannot...

2) God can...

3) Gonna let God...

starlightjustfortoday...

hello world...

it is early in the am for me, not usually up this early...i love to sleep late but this morning, 'things' are calling for me to do them...am realizing how easy it is to share when i am right with me...when i am not, there is much confusion, and i, like most do not like baring all that confusion in front of the world! haha...just another proof that 'i am not so different!

God has really been revealing his grace...but in saying this, am aware that grace is ALWAYS...it is just that sometimes i get so caught up in my head that i cannot see or feel GRACE...am so grateful for today...

it is difficult to feel and see GRACE within, when your mind and body are not in harmony. for years i not only escaped through chemicals, i also tried to run away through the spirit...it was comforting in an unhealthy way i suppose to tell myself that i was not of this world, and so i was constantly trying to figure out how to escape it!

the important thing for me to remember today, is that although i may not be of this world, i am none the less in it...and that fact alone tells me that i should do my best to 'fit' in the here and now...

whether this is an illusion or not, i appear as this body, with this mind, and yet i cannot deny this strong sense of something within...call it soul, spirit, consciousness, or whatever...this is what i really am...

'they' (whomever they are) say, that when one finally realizes the 'self' within, or what is referred to as enlightenment or awakening, that what happens is the mountain is seen, it disappears, and then it is seen again...

my mountains are coming back! and they will never be just mountains anymore...haha...not saying that i am enlightened, for in actuality, there is no real enlightenment...no one to wake up, and nothing to wake up to...that was not already there...always...but it is just a shift in one's perception...

whatever 'this' is...i am thankful for IT...thankful that i am aware of IT today...the God of my understanding just keeps getting bigger...and that is a good thang!

soooooooooooooo, to all yous out there that are on this journey, heads up! look within for strength and guidance...look without for beauty...the sky is blue, the sun is shining, the birds are singing...and God is saying: HELLO WORLD!

don't use and go to a meeting!

starlightjustfortoday...

another moment...

be the peace that passes all understanding...

for many years, this is all i wanted. i went looking for it through drugs and alcohol, relationships, geographical changes...people, places, and things...to put it simply. all this time, i have had access to this peace and never really realized it. nothing outside of myself can bring me lasting peace. for the peace of God, i must look within...and stay out of it's way.

moment by moment, i will remember that this precious peace that i long for, is never lost, cannot go anywhere, and is always the last place i left it...inside...i am this peace...

tlc...

Today's Moment...

August 3

Wisdom comes by way of experience, but it only results when you have internalized and applied that experience to future ones.

Just because one is old, does not mean one is wise. By the same rule, just because one is young, does not mean one is not wise. You can be an old fool just as easily as you can be a young one: the definition of insanity in some circles is to repeat the same behavior, expecting different results.
Wisdom cannot be measured by the years one has lived, but by the quality of those years, the experiences gained, and whether or not one has applied what they were fortunate enough to learn.

Moment by moment, I will try to learn the lessons my life has to teach, and will hopefully become wise in my own right.

tlcoriginals...

one moment at a time...

sometimes, and who knows why, living one day at a time is to damn hard to do! when the mind is racing, and the negative thoughts wont stop, and you can't think on your own it seems; decision making is out the window, and just being still, or trying to be comfortable in your own skin is impossible...

it is important in recovery to feel what you are feeling, whatever it is.

sometimes it feels as if your mind is going to explode! you are so sensitive to every little thing...and you don't know what is wrong and there is no figuring it out...trying to do so, just makes more of that same old insanity...

this is the plight of every alcoholic and drug addict that i know. the insanity just comes out of seemingly nowhere, and drives you nuts...

at this point, in my case, i have 15 months clean and sober, and it is not about wanting to drink or use...it is about living...with this crap that you cannot turn off in your mind!

one moment at a time...

it always takes me back to the first step...powerlessness...life unmanageable...

then of course the second step follows...do i really believe that a power greater than me can restore me to sanity...yes, i do.

then i surrender...accept where i am, what i am feeling...knowing that it will pass...

and it does...

i am very thankful that i don't get trapped in this for very long any more...progress not perfection...

it is not easy to grow up in public...it is not easy to know that you are emotionally ill, and immature...sometimes my entire body feels raw...every nerve, every emotion; am trying not to deny these things today...and moment by moment...work through them...

i have to remember that this is my sobriety...and i must put sobriety first...if i do not continue to do this, then nothing else will matter...

acceptance is the answer to ALL my problems today...

starlightjustfortoday...one moment at a time...

congrats...

to the graduating drug court class of August 8, 2007...

YEAH!!!!!!!

may God's grace be with us all...

a story...

Time for an old zen story.... a man was chased by a tiger and his only option was to jump from a cliff and take his chances. He landed on a small ledge that was crumbling, and he grasped a root that was pulling out of the cliff wall. Just above his head the hungry tiger snarled at him and below the rocks waited for his fall. He saw a wild strawberry and reached out his hand and ate it enjoying it's sweetness.

i recently got caught up in the insanity of my own mind...powerless over the situation i found myself in...i forgot to turn it over, and was desperately trying to figure it all out...the truth of the matter is, there will always be tigers and rocks...cannot let them keep me from experiencing the strawberries of the NOW...

am filled with gratitude, especially for the friend that sent me this little zen story...it reminded me that i have only NOW...so, just for today, i am staying out of yesterday and tomorrow...which i can only live in my head...cause that is where the tigers and rocks dwell...

starlightjustfortoday...

sometimes...

it seems like no matter what you do, it is wrong...

this has to do with how you allow other's expectations to figure into the big picture...

have to remember that no matter what anyone else thinks about you or your sobriety, it is not about them...it is about you...

when you have done everything within your power, you must surrender the rest to your higher power...in the end...there is no personal control...

EVERYTHING IS ONLY BY GRACE...

starlightjustfortoday...

nirvana and dragons...

been fighting demons for eternity,
many have brought me to my knee,
preparing for a battle with the ultimate all,
dragon of dragons, am i up to the call?
the final armageddon, is the one within,
reflection, reflecting, time and again...
if i see it as you it's because it is me...
when i finally slay it...i will be free.
do you now understand why you learned how to hate?
what place anger has, in your destiny or fate?
some things must know the hatefulness of love,
they must taste death...to be free of...
once this dragon is dead and gone,
nirvana can sing it's victory song...

tlc...

shadow...

i use to walk among,
the shadow of the dead,
spinning more illusion,
from that i had been fed,
the songs sang oh so beautiful,
luled conscious to deep sleep,
praying prayers of childhood,
a soul that god would keep.
thank god "i" was spiritual,
not like those deep in sin,
they suffered in their slumber,
god appointed "me" to call them in...
self-righteousness fell in the ditch,
got dirty with the rest,
swollen eyes, tear-filled days,
my god is this a test?
playing out the role i had,
such an actress i'd become,
i believed my own lies,
and claimed "god's will be done!"
when finally left with nothing,
was forced to look within...
no me, no soul, no savior,
eternal truth begin...

tlcoriginals...
tlc...

tao...

there is a song within my heart,
am not sure how to sing;
tis on the edge of breaking,
with such joy that truth can bring;
an aching that so longs to know,
a pain that brings a smile,
outside there is nothing;
inside, the endless mile.
potential of the Tao,
the way of perfect heart,
the way of Zen; Buddha; Pure land,
within; the only start...
must have the eye of Spirit;
must be the sword of truth;
cannot find out what i am,
following after you...
all that's outside of my mind,
is just reflection of me...
the depth and heart of all...
within,the Tao of the free...

tlcoriginals...