Being honest with ourselves...

Sometimes it is so difficult to be honest with ourselves.  We do not see ourselves as others see us, and it is painful to admit to being mentally, emotionally, and spiritually ill.  It seems we fight it at every turn.   It is in working with others that I find out the most about myself, and while I may be recovered from this seemingly hopeless state of body, mind, and spirit, and have regained a sense of emotional stability and sobriety, I am still learning how to live life on its own terms, and sometimes it is very difficult to accept the realities of this dis-ease and the suffering and distruction it continues to cause, many times in the lives of those I love and I am trying to help.  I am learning to have a deeper compassion for others that are unable to be honest with themselves, and gratitude for my own recovery, and an ever emerging willingness to be of service to others in any way that I can.   With this however, I must also adopt a degree of detachment.  Balancing compassion with emotional stability is something I am learning to do.  Realizing how powerless I continue to be over people, places, and things is sobering in its own right.  The only thing I can change is me.  

always, star...

Journey of Recovery...three years sober today!

If someone had told me three years ago when those iron doors slammed shut with me trapped on the other side how wonder-filled my life would be today...I never would have believed them, nor would I have been able to understand even a fraction of the joy of Being that I now am filled with on a regular basis...

I was irritable, restless, and discontent, and I used people, places, and things to make me ‘feel’ better, or usually just to obliterate any feelings what-so-ever.  I ran from every one and everything, unless of course you had what I needed, or was what I needed...If you were a drug or a drink or an avenue to get them, you were my lover and my best friend...if you were standing in the way of what I wanted, I had no use for you and you were history...just like that...

I was not one of those kinds of people that threw their hands up and surrendered, and became willing to do things differently.  I loved doing things my way...still do...LOL...I loved getting high.  I loved to drink.  I loved the feeling of elation that it gave.  I loved the fact that my back and neck injuries did not bother me as much when I was using, and I felt on top of the world.  I could do everything that I was ‘suppose’ to do when I was under the influence.  I could play with my children, make love to my man, make time for my extended families and friends, create my music and art, dance, sing, cook and clean, interact with others...alcohol and drugs enabled me to live and lead a ‘normal’ life...until they stopped working...I was super-woman...until I fell from the sky and life shattered me into a zillion pieces...

When those doors slammed shut, I think I knew the gig was up.  The first few days were awful, as you might imagine.  Not only was I withdrawing from a lot of drugs, most of them legal perscriptions, but reality was also beginning to sink in...my family had turned their backs on me...I had no one to turn to anymore.  No one was coming to rescue me.   I had burned all of my bridges and my magic carpet had been pulled out from beneath me...I finally had to get honest with me and look at myself...I had finally run out of places to run...there was nowhere to hide anymore, and nothing left to hide behind...I had lost everything, and I do mean EVERYTHING...and everyone had forsaken me...there was nothing left for me to do except...surrender...

This was the beginning of freedom...this was the beginning of joy...this was the beginning of happiness...I need not look or search any further for heaven or Utopia...I have it right here on earth...my journey is one that continues to amaze me...my experience deepens with beauty and awe and wonder as I continue to open myself to this ‘spiritual way of Being’...

I am filled with such gratitude today...I am surrounded by people who REALLY love me...all my relationships with family members have been healed, and I have new relationships that are blossoming into healthy and happy friendships...I am constantly amazed at how wonder-filled my life continues to be...even in the face of difficulty...I have what I was always looking for in other people, places, and things...in all my searching, I found Jesus’  Kingdom of Heaven within me and all around me...and I am truly blessed with the peace that passes all understanding...and even Buddha’s bliss...the steps along this journey of recovery have been a path to freedom for me that began with surrender, willingness and honesty...and I am filled with appreciation for all that went before me...sharing their experience, strength, and hope...so that I can now experience this wonder-filled life...I have been given a design for living...a second chance...my feet were put upon a path that really goes somewhere...and I am so jazzed about sobriety and all that has been given me because of it...I have recovered from a seemingly hopeless state of body, mind, and spirit...my life rocks!

much love and joy to all...always, star...

For Daniel...

dear one you are so very thin...

trying to crawl out of your skin...

in your eyes such pain i see...

tears are falling...misery...

i knew you when you were a boy...

drugs already made you their toy...

you say you’re ready to be free...

you want what you can see in me...

you’re overwhelmed and filled with fear...

stay close dear one...keep yourself near...

if you want to really live...

and have something that you can give...

otherwise you’re gonna die...

the next time might be your last high...

you have a wife; three precious kids...

you know this is no way to live...

the past is past...let that shit go...

there’s something better you can sow...

the seeds of change...the seeds of now...

there is a way...i’ll show you how...

sharing experience, strength, and hope...

helps us live...helps us cope...

life on life’s terms without a drink...

promise of happy, joyous, and free...

a psychic change is what you need...

a power greater than your ‘self’ indeed...

go ahead...drop to your knees...

and live and face reality...

you are responsible...gotta grow up...

you know i love you...dude whudup?

we’ve been around this block before...

you made a choice...you wanted more...

you say you’ve finally had enough...

i’m still here...so is my love...

i’m grateful that you made it back...

now get serious and stay on track...

you know what it is you have to do...

work the steps...and just don’t use...

a design for living...a path to free...

given for drunks like you and me...

if you want this way of life, surrender your ‘self’...

start with the 1st step and follow to 12...

you can recover...you really can change...

you can go from crazy to sane...

it’s really always up to you...

and what you’re willing now to do...

i love you Daniel...just like a son...

begin right now...journey begun...

StarLight Dancing...

choose the tao...

i cannot rescue you...you must learn how to spread your wings...
to fly free from your cage...just listen to your heart it sings...
your cage is just illusion...the sky is there for you to fly...
see through all confusion...there is no other better high...
the universe unfolds...you choose the path you're on...
you can choose another way...whether to or not to play...
all within this moment now...you can choose the tao...
there is a world beyond your world...this moment you can find...
peace and bliss within your being...leave suffering behind...
within your darkest moment...you can breath the awe you are...
open up your soul to light...and dance on every star...
the universe unfolds...you choose the path you're on...
you can choose another way...whether to or not to play...
all within this moment now...you can choose the tao...
melt into this moment...melt into just what you are...
in a house or in a field...the mountain top's not far...
freedom is within you...that's where happiness is found...
the truth of what you are...never caged or bound...
the universe unfolds...you choose the path you're on...
you can choose another way...whether to or not to play...
all within this moment now...you can choose the tao...
you only have this moment...feel just what you are within...
fly free in the open sky...each moment life begin...
untangle all attachments...your spirit it was meant to soar...
spread your wings and fly with me...your heart's an open door...
universe unfolds...you choose the path you're on...
you can choose another way...whether to or not to play...
all within this moment now...you can choose the tao...
StarLight Dancing...

fear...

after you have finished writing down your resentments, the reason for them and what they actually affect in you...you need to make a list of everything you fear...in detail...

when we get together on Friday we will spend most the day discussing and looking at all of this in depth...

re-read these links...

http://starlightjustfortoday.blogspot.com/2008/10/resentments.html

http://www.blogger.com/post-edit.g?blogID=6671617987993654035&postID=3649858609783035659

http://starlightjustfortoday.blogspot.com/2008/10/trapped-by-habitual-unhealthy-ideas.html

http://starlightjustfortoday.blogspot.com/2008/10/what-i-did-this-to-myself-huh.html


http://starlightjustfortoday.blogspot.com/2008/10/attachmentscause-of-suffering.html

be filled with your own inner joy...

starlightjustfortoday...

three columns...

how do we begin reconstructing our past in a workable form of the fourth step?

after identifying the objects of our resentments, distinguishing them into who's and whats and writing them down on paper...(first column), we then put why we are angry or resentful towards these who's and whats...detailing what exactly they did to us that we are angry or hurt or resentful about...(second column), and then we target what that actually affects in us...(third column). for the third column, the big book gives us several options to list...self-esteem, pocketbooks, our ambitions, our personal relationships (including sex) were hurt or threatened, and if you will notice in the example, the word fear is bracketed and used in every instance...

you have to do this with your resentment list...before we get together...there is no need for us to get together until you do this...actually putting it down on paper...this is the work you have to do...so, get to work on this...don't put it off...

remember i told you that the fourth step was done in sections...we need to get past this section before we can move on...

go to a meeting today...find a home group...remember, this is a program of action and more action...

stay out of your head and in recovery...stay out of the past and future...and in this moment...(except of course when you are actively writing down this step...lol).

starlightjustfortoday...

attachments...cause of suffering...

the tape we play over and over in our heads of past occurrences...and our attachment to them...continues to cause us to suffer...the main purpose of the fourth step, is to honestly look at these attachments, and see them for what they are...by doing this, we can let them go, and move on...learning to live in the ever present moment of NOW...

reliving the memory of our painful past, only increases our suffering...replaying these memories, replay the pain, and until we look at them realistically and logically, they will continue to hold pain...and we will continue to habitually feel the pain of our memories...trapped in the illusory cycle of attachments...until we are able to look at these resentments that continue to keep us sick...and see them for what they are...we will not be able to know freedom...

when we break free of our habitual past...then we can know the true joy of living in the ever presence of NOW...this does not mean that life will not continue to bring challenges...life is life...but in honestly looking at it, we learn to live life on life's terms...realistically...our attitude towards life becomes a healthy one...it does not mean that we will not know sadness...it means that we will learn how to experience sadness in a healthy way...and we will not store it in our psyche, or in our bodies...and continue to relive it over and over again...

it also enables us to enjoy the moment...to the fullest...as we know that this life is transitory...things can change in the blink of an eye...as humans, it is normal for us to feel sadness...but in recovery, we learn to feel it, and then let it go...we learn to not hold on to pain...we learn how to live life freely and joyfully...tragic things happen all around us...and sometimes tragic things happen to our loved ones, or to us...but in recovery we learn to look at these things realistically...and instead of going into a deep depression or going on a using binge, we learn to feel to heal and keep it real...we learn how to experience life on life's terms...and we learn to make healthy decisions that prevent suffering in the first place...and so, when something does happen in our lives that causes pain, we can deal with it logically and realistically...pain and suffering are not the same...we must always feel pain, so that it will not become a habitual pattern of suffering...

we learn to distinguish the true from the false...we learn to experience each moment of our lives as it is...and we don't get stuck in suffering...we learn how to move through it...and simultaneously still experience the joy of living...even in the midst of difficult times...

when life brings us something that we cannot control...we learn to turn it over...we face life on it's own terms and we continue to pray for the willingness to exert our efforts towards courage to change what we are able to change...and our living experience of the now reveals itself as wisdom...

remember, the only thing we are usually able to change is our own perceptions...our own thinking...and our own actions...we must own our feelings...and move through them...and sometimes all we can do, is not use...and know...that this too shall pass...pain is the touchstone of spiritual growth...you are on a journey...you are learning to live a new way...a way that works...

read the promises...

much love and joy...always, star...

starlightjustfortoday...