whuzzzzzzzzzzup?

it is 5am...can't sleep...but it's ok...i know that you will be knocking at my door soon...and i am looking forward to spending the day with you...just left Cafe Co Co's for the second time...LOL..a good friend of mine and i went for a early am coffee and bite to eat...and i had been there hours earlier singing and eating with several other recovery friends...lol...i love my life!

i woke up thursday morning in a lot of pain...you know my history...and with the weather getting colder, i was really feeling it...i have not been doing the things that i need to do to physically prevent a lot of the pain...and so, this was a reminder of that...but the great thing about it all...was i was ok with being in pain...ok with crying some about it...ok with being powerless over it...and ok with being pissed off about some things that i was pissed off about...and am still to a great degree...which, HaHa...you may just have to listen to me feel to heal and keep it real today...LOL

you know what else was great? i was not in that insanity...a couple of times i could of been...but i was honest with HOW I WAS FEELING...AND I ALLOWED MYSELF JUST TO BE IN PAIN...AND TO BE PISSED OFF...AND I VOICED IT...AND IT IS OK TODAY, THAT I AM NOT PERFECT...IT IS OK TO BE PISSED OFF TODAY...AS LONG AS I AM HONEST WITH ME...

what is not ok...is to be pissed off and stuff it, or pretend i am not pissed off...or to blame it on someone else...see, today, i know that if i am disturbed it is b/c i am not satisfied with some person, place, or thing...the way it is...now that does not mean that i am not going to still be pissed off...it just means that today, i know why...

insanity would be for me to try and change what i cannot change...or try and control what i cannot control...or try and fix what i cannot fix...i am powerless over people, places, and things...and it's wonderful to KNOW that...

and since i also KNOW that there is a power greater than my ego...and that this power is within me...then i can just turn whatever it is...over...now that does not mean that what i feel will go away automatically...like the physical pain, or the being pissed off, it just means that i accept that i am in pain and i am pissed off...and that i am powerless over being powerless...

when i become willing...willing...willing...to feel to heal...and keep it real...staying honest with me...and believing in that power within...then...and only then...am i restored to sanity...

Came to believe that a power greater than myself could restore me to sanity...

today i believe that when i get out of my own way...that power within is tapped into...and no matter what is going on with me...as long as i am honest with what i think and feel...i will be ok...

much love to you dear one...see you in a few hours...

starlightjustfortoday...

spirit of the universe...

spirit of the universe...
reality within...
there is no place to pinpoint...
where god begins or ends...
our very life, our very breath...
is spiritual divine...
god is energy in motion...
the all of space and time...
i watched the magical sunset...
such brilliant light i saw...
today as i sat under a tree...
and felt the breeze in awe...
spirit of the universe...
and all that you reveal...
i bow to this great power...
that makes up all that's real...
everything reflected...
from the smallest blade of grass...
is filled with this god energy...
and made from consciousness...
from the time before the big bang...
when all of this began...
till time eternal and beyond...
evolving journey of man...
this higher power that you seek...
has always been in you...
tap into this awareness...
recreate your life...anew...
StarLight Dancing...

starlightjustfortoday...

staying sober one more day...

hope you are having a wonder-filled morning...instead of entering anything new, i am going to post some links of some of my older blogs for you to read...have fun! most of them are real short...no worries...stay in the moment...

Beauty and Beyond...

little things...

reality...

there is a solution...

a higher power...

where is god?

remember when you read this next one...that today my son has over 7 months clean...and is really doing wonderfully...

my son and his friends...

insanity...self-made?

i don't really know if i was always crazy...i tend to think that i did not learn healthy ways of living life on life's terms when i was growing up...and b/c i was as a young child introduced to paragoric, i did not develope psychologically along normal pathways...

as we know, emotional growth is stopped when drugs are introduced...and so, i was at a disadvantage b/c of the early often use of paragoric...then i had a tramatic accident when i was a young teen, where both jaw discs were ruptured...and i was introduced to many other drugs...

wasn't long after that...i found alcohol...and illegal drugs...

i am not really sure if i can blame it entirely on the physical pain...as i tend to believe that i already had the genetic disposition, and biological presets to become addicted to chemical substances...but, we will never know the answer to that one i suppose, and it does not really matter...

i spent most my life in and out of the insanity of using drugs and alcohol...but i don't think i would have survived without them...

THEY WERE MY SOLUTION TO MY INABILITY TO LIVE LIFE ON IT'S OWN TERMS...

NOW, I HAVE ANOTHER SOLUTION...

THIS PROGRAM OF RECOVERY...

12 STEPS INTO FREEDOM...AND A LIFE THAT IS WONDER-FILLED...

for years i had no clue that my behavior was insane...i mean looking back now it is obvious...i can see it cearly now...but while i was in the middle of the insanity...i was trapped...

becoming willing to honestly look within...was the beginning of a new life that i would not trade today for any drug or drink on earth...in fact...i have found what i was always looking for in the drink and drug...peace...serenity...joy...

today i no longer have that insanity in my life...my life is filled with peace and joy...yours will be too if you continue on this journey...you will know a new freedom and a new happiness...you will not regret the past or wish to slam the door on it...

admitting that my behavior while using was insanity...help to free me from it...

coming to believe was not hard to do either...once i became willing...and realized that i had no other choice if i was going to have a chance at life...i had to believe in a power greater than myself...and as i was able to tap into that power...i intuitively knew how to handle situations that use to baffle me...still...

continue reading what you have been reading, and add A Vision For You...

you need to be journaling...about your insanity or coming to believe, or both...

have you written down your conception of god yet? you need to do that too...

STAY OUT OF DRAMA...STAY OUT OF YOUR HEAD...STAY IN THE MOMENT...

STAY IN RECOVERY...IN THE SOLUTION...

STAY FOCUSED ON YOU...REMEMBER...YOU HAVE A CHOICE TODAY...

YOU ARE RESPONSIBLE FOR YOUR BELIEFS, FEELINGS, AND ACTIONS...

FEEL TO HEAL...KEEP IT REAL...

i love you...call me...

read this link

starlightjustfortoday...

came to believe...

i began this process somewhere in the early 90's...i often say that i found god in an AA meeting...but what i actually found was my own understanding of god...at that time, that began working at some level for me...

since that time, my understanding of god has been all over the place...but one thing i am certain of, god is not religious...people are...and my higher power today is no where near my idea of god when i first came into this program of recovery...

the god i grew up with was a god of guilt and control...one that gave you free will, then punished you for using it...all my old ideas concerning god have drastically change...and for good reason...the god i use to have was never able to keep me sober...but what has also changed, is the fact that today, i take full responsibility for my beliefs, my feelings, my actions and behavior...

once we actually begin taking these steps into ourselves...and honestly looking at ourselves...a power opens up within us that we can then tap into...this is the power that the Big Book speaks of...when i get out of my own way...then whatever it is that is...is able to work through my very being...and i get better...and my life gets better...

coming to believe is a process that we will continue to look at this week...

we will also be looking at the real facts about our own insanity...

one thing i want you to begin thinking about...when you became willing this time to do things differently, you were in fact tapping into that power...you might be unaware of it...but willingness is a necessary ingredient that comes from within your own awareness...

if things seem different this time around from the last time...this is why...

i am very proud of your willingness to honestly look within yourself...it takes great courage to do this...

much love and joy...

remember, you gotta tap on the links below to link up! LOL...

for your reading pleasure...

this link too...

starlightjustfortoday...