decisions, decisions, decisions...

sometimes, especially in early sobriey, there is still those old behaviour patterns of control and manipulation...i mean let's face it folks; we are users! we not only use drugs and alcohol to alter our reality, we also use people, places and things...and every situation presents a chance to think with our new rational thinking, or slip back into old habits...doesn't matter how much time sober you have, life is a series of choices, and you are presented with healthy ones, and unhealthy ones...sometimes the lines are clear, and sometimes not so clear...i just had once such experience that has unfolded over the course of the past few days that i wish to share...cause it's my blog! lol

my son, god love him...and i do love him...lol...came up with a scheme the other day, and i fell right into it...lol...it isn't really anything bad, but it is just an example of how we try and manipulate situations and others to suit our purposes...

anyways, he has a little over 5 months sobriety, and he came over on Wednesday...he is not suppose to be driving his car, a consequence of his previous behaviour...he lost his license, and has not taken care of that properly yet...although there were chances...he chose to not pay his fines...anyways, he has been driving on a suspended license with no insurance...so about a week or so ago, he was pulled over and barely escaping another arrest, he was given another ticket, and told not to drive...he did ok for about a week...lol, then he showed up at my house on his court date...and i was kinda 'sucked' into his drama...

i went along, for the ride...well he did have to go to court right? what i really was not clear on, was that he had weaved a scenaro in that head of his, and i did go along with it...not only did he have to go to drug court, but he had to appear in another court some distance away, and i found myself being his designated driver for the day...lol...i ended up taking him to work afterwards, and yeah...i got to keep the car...which was a great experience for me, cause i don't have a car...why? well that is another post...getting back to this one, i dropped him off, and i felt free...driving his cool car with the sun roof open and the windows down, wind blowing through my hair and his jamming stereo blasting my Maroon 5 CD Songs About Jane...hey, that's heaven to me...LOL...

so...it's today...Friday...his belly button birthday, and after all his talk of getting insurance...he did not get it...so, i make the decision, a wise one from my perspective, to not drive all the way on the other side of town to pick him up at his half-way house, in a car that is not insured...i told him to ride the bus over here...he didn't like that idea at all...

Opppssss...lol...he threw one hell of a baby fit...cussing up a storm...and hung up on me...mad as hell, cause i had thought things through, and realized that i have to be responsible today...for me...and i am not comfortable driving a car that is uninsured...so, his car is sitting parked outside my apartment...and he is really fuming...and i'm lol...progress...

it was true that yesterday i drove to the store, and to a meeting, and by a friends house, which were all in my little neighborhood...and of course he threw that in my face...but it really boils down to what each individual is comfortable with and willing to do...and i had to set my own limits...and so i did...

while sitting here entering this blog, he has text messaged me a "i'm sorry" message...more progress...and we just talked...and he is ok...and going to check the bus schedule and come over for the weekend...

this has been just another exercise in making healthy decisions and doing the right thing...awesome!

starlightjustfortoday...

fear...

when i am faced with fear, it is because i am faced with the 'idea' of something that i don't want to happen, will happen, or something i have, will be taken from me...
in reality, my fear prevents me from living free in the moment...
when fear controls me, it causes me to try and manipulate what i cannot control...
in recovery, that is called insanity...
the only thing i can control, is my own thoughts and feelings, and actions concerning whatever it is that reality presents...
and i am only able to do that when i am willing to examine what is going on under the surface, and be rigorously honest with myself...it is never about someone else...it is always about me...
conditioned awareness is waking us up...all i need to do is listen...
the universe is unfolding just the way it is...the sun rises and it sets...that is real...if i am off in my head, worrying about this or that...then i am not living in reality. life is passing me by one moment at a time...
i can remember feeling such pain and fear when my son was still using...i did not know where he was, or how he was, or even if he was still alive, for weeks at a time...but what i learned, was that i had no control over him...death is part of life, and so it is a reality...for me to worry about it, was not going to change whatever was going to happen...so, in reality, i had a choice...i could continue to make myself sick over things that may or may not be happening, or i could choose to live in the moment...and turn him over to the spirit of the universe...
i turned him over...
the truth is, we all have our own paths...no one can walk them for us...we can only learn to walk ours, responsibly...facing our fears honestly...and dealing with what is real...one day at a time...sometimes, one moment...

i am not saying that any of this is easy...however; it gets easier, and when you are free in the moment, you are free to be happy and joyous...

starlightjustfortoday...

old ideas...

"Some of us have tried to hold on to our old ideas and the result was nil until we let go absolutely." (BigBook)

this is a very important piece of information that is touched upon throughout the BigBook...

it does not say that we have to let go of only some of our ideas...it says that we have to let go of them absolutely...if we do not, our results are nil...nadda...nothing...

letting go of all of our old ideas is not easy...but we can do it via the steps...that is our pathway to freedom...remember that it is an ongoing process...one moment at a time...

happy journey!

starlightjustfortoday...