Saturday, December 23, 2006

gratitude...

if you find yourself with not so happy feelings...make a gratitude list...i know that i have more than i should...so much to be grateful for...not only do all my body parts work, i am not in a great amount of pain these days. i am healing emotionally, and since i am better caring for my physical needs, my health is improving also. the spiritual aspect of recovery is amazing...i have everything i need and more...the main thing that i have, is sobriety...without it, nothing else would matter much...i pray that i will continue on this healing journey...and continue to grow in God's grace...for those of you on a similiar journey...Go with God...

many blessings, star.

Christmas Prayer...

There's a little girl on the corner, holding her mothers hand,
She's really way to young, to try and understand.
Daddy's out of work, they're sleeping in the car,
Don't know what they're going to eat, tomorrow.
Her mother says that God provides, for children that are His,
She tells her not to worry, and kisses away her tears.
Christmas is a day away, Daddy found a shelter where they can stay,
There's lots of food and games to play, there's a smile on her face,
She gets down on her knees and prays.

Lord, why can't every day be like Christmas?
People giving away what they won't miss much.
Lord why can't Christmas last throughout the year?
Lots of smiley faces, lots of love no fear.
Lord, why can't every day be like Christmas?

You and I are responsible, for those who have need,
What good is love unless you give it? And plant God's little seed.

Lord, why can't every day be like Christmas?
People giving away what they won't miss much.
Lord, why can't Christmas last throughout the year?
Lots of smiley faces, lots of love no fear.
Lord, why can't every day be like Christmas?

There's a little girl on the corner,
Holding her mother's hand,
She's really way to young,
To have to understand.

tlcoriginals...

A Little Christmas Cheer...

The Christmas Song of Songs...

Silver bells, are gonna jingle all the way,
Frosty the snowman, might just ride home in a one horse sleigh,
Some lucky someone, will be walking in a winter wonderland,
But I'll have a blue, blue Christmas, cause I wont be holding your hand.

I wanna hear those sleigh bells ringing on a Silent Night,
And trim the tree with you,
I want to get caught kissing Santa Claus,
Just the way we use to,
I want to jingle bell, jingle bell, jingle bell rock,
I don't need 5 golden rings,
But when I'm dreaming about a White Christmas,
I need you next to me.

Rudolf the rednosed reindeer, couldn't be as lonely as me,
I got chestnuts roasting on an open fire,
Carrolers are singing "Oh Christmas Tree",
Well I would sing Joy to the World,
Let it Snow, Let it Snow, Let it Snow;
If you would wish me a merry Christmas,
And kiss me underneath the mistletoe.

I wanna hear those sleigh bells ringing on a Silent Night,
And trim the tree with you,
I want to get caught kissing Santa Claus,
Just the way we use to,
I want to jingle bell, jingle bell, jingle bell rock,
I don't need 5 golden rings,
But when I'm dreaming about a White Christmas,
I need you next to me.

Well Old Saint Nick, will still be jolly,
But I wont deck any halls with holly,
Unless I see you under my tree,
By midnight Christmas Eve.
Well I wrote this Christmas Song of songs,
To get my baby back where he belongs,
Have a merry, merry, Christmas,
Singing my Christmas song.
Have a merry, merry, Christmas,
Singing my Christmas Song.

tlcoriginals...

another peaceful day...

i have had a very peaceful day...i am very grateful to God and the program of AA for that...the 12 speps, which is the program of Alcoholics Anonymous, are teaching me how to live life...still do not know what i am gonna be when i finally grow up...but as long as i am in recovery, i am certain that it will be what God has planned, and so i cannot go wrong...just for today, gonna do it God's way...

many blessings, star.

Friday, December 22, 2006

peace within...

this season is all about peace and joy...and yet so many are stressed out...just for today...too blessed to be stressed! i am so thankful for the peace i have within today. someone just asked me what i wanted for christmas...this is it...love to all, many blessings...star.

Thursday, December 21, 2006

keeping it simple...

there is a word that is used to remind us of the importance of taking care of ourselves...HALT...never get too...(H is for) hungry...(A is for) angry...(L is for) lonely... or (T is for) tired...i had to HALT earlier...and upon reflection...last night i did not sleep well...that could be why i did not feel rested or well this morning...then there is the caffeine thing...hey...progress not perfection...haha!...then there was not eating till late afternoon...

so i ate a bite, and laid down...guess what? i am feeling better...

many alcoholics and addicts suffer from low blood sugar (hypoglycemia)...i am one of those, so eating...healthy...is very important to my recovery...as well as limiting my intake of caffeine...(i remember drinking a cup of coffee around 3pm yesterday, when usually, i never drink anything with the big C in it past noon...shoulda never done that...pretty sure that is why i could not go to sleep last night...).


soooooo...i am not powerless over everything...taking care of the needs of my body is something i can learn to do...as well as my emotional and spiritual needs, one day at a time...

just for today, i am going to start paying better attention to what my body is telling me it needs, and try not to neglect it...

many blessings...star.

still nuts...

i can blame this insanity that i am feeling today on a number of things...but the simple fact of the matter is: i do not know how to live life sober...i never really learned...i was always running from something or someone...and still today, it is natural for me to want to just disappear...realizing that i am not alone, helps...and this is why i am sharing this with you now...i cannot change where i am...i cannot not feel these emotions that i am feeling...God says it is time...then it is time...i do trust in God, that i will be ok, and all of this will pass...with the holidays upon me, it seems i am just getting crazier...and it appears that many like me, no matter how long they have not had a drink or a drug...are dealing with this insanity that i guess drove us into addiction in the first place. i have to remember that almost 8 months clean is only a beginning...my brain has not had time to completely heal...even the experts say that it takes up to two years for the chemicals in the brain to begin working correctly...if they ever do...i also have to accept that i have had health problems all my life...many of which led me into addiction, and have been made worse because of it...i don't feel well physically today; and my brain just feels...NUTS!...in the past, i would use any way of escape that i could...just for today, it is not hopeless...God has given me the solution...to the problem that is me...somethings i can and should turn over to God...there are other things, one day at a time, that i have to walk through...i am just so thankful that i do not have to walk through any day...without God...many blessings, star.

Wednesday, December 20, 2006

celebration...

celebrating this evening with my cranberry juice...drug court was wonderful...i got moved up to phase II...yeah! proof positive that things do get better if you just don't use!...and change...EVERYTHING! haha...i am happy.

many blessings, star.

you may be right...

this is fast becoming my favorite line...
instead of being drawn into a verbal situation, that i cannot win, just for today, i am going to choose to speak this line...what you are doing, or are not doing, is really none of my business anyway...could not fix me, so what in the world makes me think that i can fix you...you are God's child; on your own path...i have enough to do, minding my own affairs...and i have been unable to manage them thus far...case and point...i am on my way to drug court!
saying "you may be right"...gives you and me the right to be wrong...human...
many blessings, star.

Tuesday, December 19, 2006

God does not pedal...

turning your will and your life over to the care of God, is like being on a bycycle built for two...it works when i pedal, and God steers...when i take over God's job, and start trying to guide my own life...i need to be reminded, that God will give me the handle bars...but...God does not pedal!

i love that!...many blessings, star.

thanx to scott l. for that one!

one day at a time...in a row!

one day at a time, is a useful tool in recovery. early on in my sobriety, i did not think i could get through even that...heard something in a meeting last night that was really good...God is not in the future, nor is he stuck in the past...God is here...right now...

this tells me, that when i allow my thoughts to take me back into the insanity of yesterday...God is not with me...when i play in my mind, fantacizing about or even being fearful of things that have not happened...i am alone...just for today, i cannot afford to be without God. if i am to allow God's will in my life, i have to be where God is...many blessings, star.

Monday, December 18, 2006

joy that can be taken...not the real thing!

many times on this journey, i have found such peace and joy, only to lose it...again...because of another's words or actions, or lack thereof...i am beginning to realize that this joy is not the real thing. if it were...it could not be taken from me...no matter what. one of my favorite people in recovery often says..."don't allow another to take your joy." but joy that is not given by God; joy that is gotten from something that i do, or something that happens, or whatever...that is not real joy...

real joy is a gift from God and cannot be taken away by anyone...or anything...when i am in a spiritually fit frame of mind, i can have this gift...when i am not, any joy i find is fleeting...many blessings, star.

my stuff, your stuff, God's stuff...

this is a dilema...and one full of traps...it is easy to say, "well that is your problem", when in reality it may be a problem that i set rolling...years ago...especially where family is concerned...but sometimes, even when it is a manifestation of an old problem...it is many times made worse by my participation...the tendacy is to just jump in...without a life perservor...knowing the water is already at the boiling point! this is insanity...definition of which is: doing the same things over and over, expecting different results...

ok...i thought about it...then i jumped in...i felt like i was being disrespected, and misunderstood, and misrepresented, and...i was! sooooooo, i took up for me. learned a lesson...i can be wrong even when i am right! i should have kept my mouth shut...defending my rights was not worth what came afterwards! i just had to make a point...when a silent point would have been suficient, and better for all concerned...ok...live and learn! this was one of those times when i should have let go and let God...there was nothing i could do...and sometimes, nothing is what i should do...ok...got it...just for today...many blessings, star.

tis the season...

the joy of Christmas...hohoho...family's...disfunction and all...try to set aside the wreckage for a few days of holiday cheer and good food...can it be done? i do not want to try...but since i am not in charge...haha, disfunction will be the dish served on Christmas Day...i have an escape route planned...should i use it? NO! not drugs or alcohol...community service...checking my motives...checking them twice...haha! would it be naughty or nice? gonna pray about this, talk it over with my counselor...and my sponsor...i really don't want to hurt my family, but i do not want to be in the middle of an insane situation on any day of the year...Christmas or not...some i do not have any control over, and have to chalk it up as a learning situation...this one...hmmmmmmmm...pray for me...many blessings, star.

willingness...

still learning what this is, but i know that no matter how bad i feel one day, if i just walk through it (or stumble through it...haha!), seems as though God clears it all the next...once i hit my knees...i really don't know how to explain it, but one day at a time really is a marvelous tool for an insane person like me...let's face it...the "i" that i have been, was very insane!...i have never wanted to face life...have wanted to reap the good, run away from the bad...always dividing things into highs and lows...there is no division really...it is just life...willingness is the key that opens the door that "i" slam shut everytime "i" try and escape life on life's terms...sometimes, i am fooled by myself into thinking i am being willing, when in reality...i am not...everything has to change...my old ideas, the way i think, and especially my actions...being still is an action, and it is one that i am still practicing...just for today, i can claim progress not perfection! most times, being willing is just being willing to do something different...the wisdom comes from the willingness...once willing, God will show you what you can and cannot change...

and "you will intuitively know how to handle situations that use to baffle you." (from the BB of AA)...many blessings, star.

the emotional rollarcoaster of life...

i am still learning, that my life was way out of whack, and all the wishing in the world for it not to be now, is futile...i must live through these little dramas that i began many years ago...cannot pack my bags and go...disappear and leave the lives i have touched just because my new found sobriety wants what it wants...that would be another escape...nope...have to stay and face this life of mine...this includes my habitual habit of highs and lows, ins and outs, unders and overs...at least now i can see that i must walk through it all. sometimes it is very overwhelming, and i get caught up in the drama still, thinking i can fix it...knowing i cannot...but sometimes i still do not know what to do...it is in these times that i must just accept the things in the moment that i cannot change, get up and do something about the things i can...and continue to pray for the wisdom to know the difference. once i have begun the ride...unknowingly as it may have began...i can always look back and see where i fed the engine...anyways, once the rollarcoaster is up and running, i just have to ride it out...looking back helps me in not cranking that engine up in the first place for the next time...and in knowing how to just flow through the drama without becoming it...till the ride stops, and i can get off...many blessings, star.

Sunday, December 17, 2006

waking up...

i feel as if i have awakened from a coma, and now i am living a life that is not mine...haha! still just so powerless over everything...really no control...i am so thankful for the concept of just for today...whenever i think any further, i just get fuzzy...and scared. i am practicing acceptance right now...i really have no choice. i am also, as per my sponsor's suggestion, going to start thanking God for even the things i am not happy with. intellectually i know everything happens like it is suppose to happen, but i still do not like it! many blessings, star.