expectaions...

in sobriety i am learning that my expectations...of me...you...and everything else, has gotten me into so much trouble...and still does. it brings about disappointment, anger, hurt feelings, etc. that i otherwise would never experience had i not set myself up for it in the first place by having unrealistic expectations. the truth of the matter is, i cannot control others or their actions. i do not have that power. nor can i control circumstances of life. if i choose to be angry or upset by someone or something...then that is my choice. today i am recognizing that trait, and am learning how not to allow myself to get caught in the traps of expectations. this is a process...after all, i have spent a lifetime of expecting things...God is still showing me how very powerless i am. if i am ever going to have any lasting serenity, i must relinquish all my expectations...just for today...

many blessings, star.

the way of happiness...

i am learning that happiness is not something that happens outside of myself...sure, i have experienced that happiness that comes and goes...depending on what was happening in my life...whether i was getting this or that...but that kind of happiness is temporary, and depends on everything that i have no control over. it is like getting presents on christmas morning, playing with them for a time...then moving on to the next thing i thought could make me happy...all my life, i thought that i would get there...to that happy place...and then everytime i thought i had found it, i was always disappointed...devasted when it did not last. that is not the happiness that i desire anymore. the happiness that i long for still comes and goes...but that is because of me...and where i am on my journey...i still am learning to surrender my will to God's...for that is the true way of happiness...

many blessings, star.

say it aint so...

the power of words...which are thoughts in your head too...

i have begun positive affirmations in the morning upon awakening(after i hit my knees)...i always feel bad...physically and mentally, and of course that affects my spiritual condition as well...so instead of affirming that i feel unwell, this morning i decided to bombard my thoughts with just the opposite...haha! i felt better. i have often heard that death and life are in the tongue...

if a picture says a thousand words, what words am i allowing it to say to me? my thoughts are what i tell myself...about whatever...this will be a working experiment, but i intend to battle my negative thinking with positive thinking...just keeping it simple with things like affirming that my eyes are working...my legs...etc. will let everyone know how it goes...and maybe you will join me in this and...say it aint so...

many blessings, star.

hohoho...just for laughs...

santa blues...

jingle bells, shotgun shells,
santa's got a gun,
he shot ms. claus on christmas eve,
and now he's on the run...

dashin' thru the sludge,
in a one horse open sleigh,
running from the law,
and full of coca cane;
he needs an aa meeting,
gonna get a padded cell,
if he doesn't get to re-hab soon,
he'll go straight to jail...

drugcourt blues, drugcourt blues,
santa's in the news,
hooked on nyquil yet again,
and wearing high heel shoes!

ROTF...

tlcoriginals...

HAPPY, HAPPY, HOLIDAYS...

Where ever you are; whatever you are doing...keep God with you, in the moment...

be safe...many blessings, star.

3rd step prayer...

"God i offer myself to Thee--to build with me and to do with me as Thou wilt. Relieve me of the bondage of self, that I may better do Thy will. Take away my difficulties, that victory over them may bear witness to those I would help of Thy Power, Thy Love, and Thy Way of life. May I do Thy will always!"

taken from page 63 of the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous...

To God and all God's Angels...

I Want To Thank You...

I never did fit in anywhere,
It always seemed like life was passing me by;
I looked at the world through shades of grey,
And I did everything I could, to make it go away...

I would have succeeded, except for you,
At first I didn't like the changes you put me through,
Once past the insanity of addiction I was free,
And I want to thank you, for doing that for me...

I never was responsible for anyone,
Could justify anything, I've ever done;
If someone was sicker, that made me okay,
And I continued, to drink and drug life away...

I would have succeeded, except for you,
At first I didn't like the changes you put me through,
Once past the insanity of addiction I was free,
And I want to thank you, for showing that to me...

I never thought anyone understood,
Never thought anyone ever could;
But there you were with a team of Angels by your side,
A Higher Power, is at work here,
And I'm just along for the ride...

We are succeeding, one by one,
By God's grace, we're a job well done,
Once past the insanity of addiction we are free,
And I want to thank you, for being here for me...

Life is wonderful, in sobriety, where I'm clean and free...
I want to thank you...

tlcoriginals...

Thank God for Drug Court...

drug court...
baby's mama drama and perscriptions for jail,
drug court aint no joke no-one can make your bail,
judge's way the only way and he plays to win,
here comes the judge, and it's wednesday again.
little ankle braclettes, halfway houses, iop,
meetings, steps, and sponsors, moving up to orc.
curfews, lockdown, house arrest, phases 1 thru 3.
18 months in drug court...hopefully i'll be free.
Pastor T is preaching, the churches love for you,
Kidneys working overtime for K and all his crew.
N is always in the house telling all on you,
Stacy's on the left and right, ms Shirley we love you.
get a job or go to jail, be honest and don't use,
missing treatment aint an option you want to choose.
drug court is the way my higher power's helping me,
i'm ready for judge M's drugcourt...another wednesday...

tlcoriginals...

i actually do not have to go back to court until January 10, 2007!
i had just gotten comfortable with it...seems like change happens right at the moment you accept one thing...haha!

many blessings, star.

may you...

walk in peace and have your heart filled with love...

thanx shin...this is all i will ever need...many blessings, star.

God keeping me sober...

this is just as true today, as it was the day that God stopped me from using. had i not been physically removed from what was my life at the time, i would still be using, or i would more than likely be dead. the only thing that i did that day, which is probably the best thing i ever did...i was driven to do by the wreckage of my own life...that i caused by my using...what i did, on that last day of using, was say: "God i can't live like this anymore...please help me!" i had no clue at the time that God was behind everything that happened to me from that point on. i blamed everyone in my life for the situation i found myself in...i was so angry...there were moments of clarity...even then, when i knew that God was doing for me what i could not do for myself...but those moments were followed by resentment. even in the midst of all this, there were times that i still thought that i knew better than God!...God had to show me how powerless i was, and still am...it is not easy to admit to many of the things that i have done, and many of the things that have happened to me...on this journey of recovery...for instance...i was so selfwilled, that i had to be locked up, to learn what being free was all about. I had to really become powerless over everything...to admit to being powerless. i have had to be hit over the head with step one...over and over again for the past 7 months +...and still counting..."we admitted we were powerless over alcohol, and that our lives had become unmanagable." i was forced into recovery by a power greater than myself...ironically, this all happened on my belly button birthday...May 6...today, i am being held responsible by a power greater than myself...drug court...house arrest...AA...all of these are God's way of keeping me sober today...now, could i go out here and use? of course i could...i could have used when i was locked up too...fear of the insanity of my life the way it was has helped in that respect...i play such a small part in this recovery process...willingness...

just for today, i have given God a blank page...
i have signed my name, and became willing to do things his way...

yes...tis God that is keeping me sober...just for today...many blessings, star.

gratitude...

if you find yourself with not so happy feelings...make a gratitude list...i know that i have more than i should...so much to be grateful for...not only do all my body parts work, i am not in a great amount of pain these days. i am healing emotionally, and since i am better caring for my physical needs, my health is improving also. the spiritual aspect of recovery is amazing...i have everything i need and more...the main thing that i have, is sobriety...without it, nothing else would matter much...i pray that i will continue on this healing journey...and continue to grow in God's grace...for those of you on a similiar journey...Go with God...

many blessings, star.

Christmas Prayer...

There's a little girl on the corner, holding her mothers hand,
She's really way to young, to try and understand.
Daddy's out of work, they're sleeping in the car,
Don't know what they're going to eat, tomorrow.
Her mother says that God provides, for children that are His,
She tells her not to worry, and kisses away her tears.
Christmas is a day away, Daddy found a shelter where they can stay,
There's lots of food and games to play, there's a smile on her face,
She gets down on her knees and prays.

Lord, why can't every day be like Christmas?
People giving away what they won't miss much.
Lord why can't Christmas last throughout the year?
Lots of smiley faces, lots of love no fear.
Lord, why can't every day be like Christmas?

You and I are responsible, for those who have need,
What good is love unless you give it? And plant God's little seed.

Lord, why can't every day be like Christmas?
People giving away what they won't miss much.
Lord, why can't Christmas last throughout the year?
Lots of smiley faces, lots of love no fear.
Lord, why can't every day be like Christmas?

There's a little girl on the corner,
Holding her mother's hand,
She's really way to young,
To have to understand.

tlcoriginals...

A Little Christmas Cheer...

The Christmas Song of Songs...

Silver bells, are gonna jingle all the way,
Frosty the snowman, might just ride home in a one horse sleigh,
Some lucky someone, will be walking in a winter wonderland,
But I'll have a blue, blue Christmas, cause I wont be holding your hand.

I wanna hear those sleigh bells ringing on a Silent Night,
And trim the tree with you,
I want to get caught kissing Santa Claus,
Just the way we use to,
I want to jingle bell, jingle bell, jingle bell rock,
I don't need 5 golden rings,
But when I'm dreaming about a White Christmas,
I need you next to me.

Rudolf the rednosed reindeer, couldn't be as lonely as me,
I got chestnuts roasting on an open fire,
Carrolers are singing "Oh Christmas Tree",
Well I would sing Joy to the World,
Let it Snow, Let it Snow, Let it Snow;
If you would wish me a merry Christmas,
And kiss me underneath the mistletoe.

I wanna hear those sleigh bells ringing on a Silent Night,
And trim the tree with you,
I want to get caught kissing Santa Claus,
Just the way we use to,
I want to jingle bell, jingle bell, jingle bell rock,
I don't need 5 golden rings,
But when I'm dreaming about a White Christmas,
I need you next to me.

Well Old Saint Nick, will still be jolly,
But I wont deck any halls with holly,
Unless I see you under my tree,
By midnight Christmas Eve.
Well I wrote this Christmas Song of songs,
To get my baby back where he belongs,
Have a merry, merry, Christmas,
Singing my Christmas song.
Have a merry, merry, Christmas,
Singing my Christmas Song.

tlcoriginals...

another peaceful day...

i have had a very peaceful day...i am very grateful to God and the program of AA for that...the 12 speps, which is the program of Alcoholics Anonymous, are teaching me how to live life...still do not know what i am gonna be when i finally grow up...but as long as i am in recovery, i am certain that it will be what God has planned, and so i cannot go wrong...just for today, gonna do it God's way...

many blessings, star.

peace within...

this season is all about peace and joy...and yet so many are stressed out...just for today...too blessed to be stressed! i am so thankful for the peace i have within today. someone just asked me what i wanted for christmas...this is it...love to all, many blessings...star.

keeping it simple...

there is a word that is used to remind us of the importance of taking care of ourselves...HALT...never get too...(H is for) hungry...(A is for) angry...(L is for) lonely... or (T is for) tired...i had to HALT earlier...and upon reflection...last night i did not sleep well...that could be why i did not feel rested or well this morning...then there is the caffeine thing...hey...progress not perfection...haha!...then there was not eating till late afternoon...

so i ate a bite, and laid down...guess what? i am feeling better...

many alcoholics and addicts suffer from low blood sugar (hypoglycemia)...i am one of those, so eating...healthy...is very important to my recovery...as well as limiting my intake of caffeine...(i remember drinking a cup of coffee around 3pm yesterday, when usually, i never drink anything with the big C in it past noon...shoulda never done that...pretty sure that is why i could not go to sleep last night...).

soooooo...i am not powerless over everything...taking care of the needs of my body is something i can learn to do...as well as my emotional and spiritual needs, one day at a time...

just for today, i am going to start paying better attention to what my body is telling me it needs, and try not to neglect it...

many blessings...star.

still nuts...

i can blame this insanity that i am feeling today on a number of things...but the simple fact of the matter is: i do not know how to live life sober...i never really learned...i was always running from something or someone...and still today, it is natural for me to want to just disappear...realizing that i am not alone, helps...and this is why i am sharing this with you now...i cannot change where i am...i cannot not feel these emotions that i am feeling...God says it is time...then it is time...i do trust in God, that i will be ok, and all of this will pass...with the holidays upon me, it seems i am just getting crazier...and it appears that many like me, no matter how long they have not had a drink or a drug...are dealing with this insanity that i guess drove us into addiction in the first place. i have to remember that almost 8 months clean is only a beginning...my brain has not had time to completely heal...even the experts say that it takes up to two years for the chemicals in the brain to begin working correctly...if they ever do...i also have to accept that i have had health problems all my life...many of which led me into addiction, and have been made worse because of it...i don't feel well physically today; and my brain just feels...NUTS!...in the past, i would use any way of escape that i could...just for today, it is not hopeless...God has given me the solution...to the problem that is me...somethings i can and should turn over to God...there are other things, one day at a time, that i have to walk through...i am just so thankful that i do not have to walk through any day...without God...many blessings, star.

celebration...

celebrating this evening with my cranberry juice...drug court was wonderful...i got moved up to phase II...yeah! proof positive that things do get better if you just don't use!...and change...EVERYTHING! haha...i am happy.

many blessings, star.

you may be right...

this is fast becoming my favorite line...
instead of being drawn into a verbal situation, that i cannot win, just for today, i am going to choose to speak this line...what you are doing, or are not doing, is really none of my business anyway...could not fix me, so what in the world makes me think that i can fix you...you are God's child; on your own path...i have enough to do, minding my own affairs...and i have been unable to manage them thus far...case and point...i am on my way to drug court!
saying "you may be right"...gives you and me the right to be wrong...human...
many blessings, star.

God does not pedal...

turning your will and your life over to the care of God, is like being on a bycycle built for two...it works when i pedal, and God steers...when i take over God's job, and start trying to guide my own life...i need to be reminded, that God will give me the handle bars...but...God does not pedal!

i love that!...many blessings, star.

thanx to scott l. for that one!

one day at a time...in a row!

one day at a time, is a useful tool in recovery. early on in my sobriety, i did not think i could get through even that...heard something in a meeting last night that was really good...God is not in the future, nor is he stuck in the past...God is here...right now...

this tells me, that when i allow my thoughts to take me back into the insanity of yesterday...God is not with me...when i play in my mind, fantacizing about or even being fearful of things that have not happened...i am alone...just for today, i cannot afford to be without God. if i am to allow God's will in my life, i have to be where God is...many blessings, star.

joy that can be taken...not the real thing!

many times on this journey, i have found such peace and joy, only to lose it...again...because of another's words or actions, or lack thereof...i am beginning to realize that this joy is not the real thing. if it were...it could not be taken from me...no matter what. one of my favorite people in recovery often says..."don't allow another to take your joy." but joy that is not given by God; joy that is gotten from something that i do, or something that happens, or whatever...that is not real joy...

real joy is a gift from God and cannot be taken away by anyone...or anything...when i am in a spiritually fit frame of mind, i can have this gift...when i am not, any joy i find is fleeting...many blessings, star.

my stuff, your stuff, God's stuff...

this is a dilema...and one full of traps...it is easy to say, "well that is your problem", when in reality it may be a problem that i set rolling...years ago...especially where family is concerned...but sometimes, even when it is a manifestation of an old problem...it is many times made worse by my participation...the tendacy is to just jump in...without a life perservor...knowing the water is already at the boiling point! this is insanity...definition of which is: doing the same things over and over, expecting different results...

ok...i thought about it...then i jumped in...i felt like i was being disrespected, and misunderstood, and misrepresented, and...i was! sooooooo, i took up for me. learned a lesson...i can be wrong even when i am right! i should have kept my mouth shut...defending my rights was not worth what came afterwards! i just had to make a point...when a silent point would have been suficient, and better for all concerned...ok...live and learn! this was one of those times when i should have let go and let God...there was nothing i could do...and sometimes, nothing is what i should do...ok...got it...just for today...many blessings, star.

tis the season...

the joy of Christmas...hohoho...family's...disfunction and all...try to set aside the wreckage for a few days of holiday cheer and good food...can it be done? i do not want to try...but since i am not in charge...haha, disfunction will be the dish served on Christmas Day...i have an escape route planned...should i use it? NO! not drugs or alcohol...community service...checking my motives...checking them twice...haha! would it be naughty or nice? gonna pray about this, talk it over with my counselor...and my sponsor...i really don't want to hurt my family, but i do not want to be in the middle of an insane situation on any day of the year...Christmas or not...some i do not have any control over, and have to chalk it up as a learning situation...this one...hmmmmmmmm...pray for me...many blessings, star.

willingness...

still learning what this is, but i know that no matter how bad i feel one day, if i just walk through it (or stumble through it...haha!), seems as though God clears it all the next...once i hit my knees...i really don't know how to explain it, but one day at a time really is a marvelous tool for an insane person like me...let's face it...the "i" that i have been, was very insane!...i have never wanted to face life...have wanted to reap the good, run away from the bad...always dividing things into highs and lows...there is no division really...it is just life...willingness is the key that opens the door that "i" slam shut everytime "i" try and escape life on life's terms...sometimes, i am fooled by myself into thinking i am being willing, when in reality...i am not...everything has to change...my old ideas, the way i think, and especially my actions...being still is an action, and it is one that i am still practicing...just for today, i can claim progress not perfection! most times, being willing is just being willing to do something different...the wisdom comes from the willingness...once willing, God will show you what you can and cannot change...

and "you will intuitively know how to handle situations that use to baffle you." (from the BB of AA)...many blessings, star.

the emotional rollarcoaster of life...

i am still learning, that my life was way out of whack, and all the wishing in the world for it not to be now, is futile...i must live through these little dramas that i began many years ago...cannot pack my bags and go...disappear and leave the lives i have touched just because my new found sobriety wants what it wants...that would be another escape...nope...have to stay and face this life of mine...this includes my habitual habit of highs and lows, ins and outs, unders and overs...at least now i can see that i must walk through it all. sometimes it is very overwhelming, and i get caught up in the drama still, thinking i can fix it...knowing i cannot...but sometimes i still do not know what to do...it is in these times that i must just accept the things in the moment that i cannot change, get up and do something about the things i can...and continue to pray for the wisdom to know the difference. once i have begun the ride...unknowingly as it may have began...i can always look back and see where i fed the engine...anyways, once the rollarcoaster is up and running, i just have to ride it out...looking back helps me in not cranking that engine up in the first place for the next time...and in knowing how to just flow through the drama without becoming it...till the ride stops, and i can get off...many blessings, star.

waking up...

i feel as if i have awakened from a coma, and now i am living a life that is not mine...haha! still just so powerless over everything...really no control...i am so thankful for the concept of just for today...whenever i think any further, i just get fuzzy...and scared. i am practicing acceptance right now...i really have no choice. i am also, as per my sponsor's suggestion, going to start thanking God for even the things i am not happy with. intellectually i know everything happens like it is suppose to happen, but i still do not like it! many blessings, star.

normal...

i know that i am not normal...nor have i ever been normal. for as long as i remember, i have never felt like i fit in anywhere...except maybe when i started singing on stage...that was the only place i felt...normal...whatever normal is! well, today, i had a normal day. i had had a great day yesterday with all my girls, but i really wanted to use...yes...there's that insanity rearing it's ugly little head...i did not use, but i was having these insane thoughts...then i began trying to analyse why i was having them...i got overly tired, and after we got home from all the goings on of the day, i went and laid down and just cried...my son had come by bearing gifts; he was on something, and i suddenly felt this sense of impending doom...well, i knew that it would all pass, but i was just angry with myself for feeling what i felt. i was in a lot of physical pain, i assumed from overdoing it, but then i am unsure sometimes whether or not the physical pain is caused by emotions being haywire...anyway, today, i woke up irritable; i turned it over to God, and low and behold, my day was filled with normal stuff, and i acted accordingly with no real problems...all the things i had feared were going to happen the night before did not happen...the doom was gone, and i mean, i had a house full of kids...still do...haha...but i have been managing fine, and now, another day is almost at a close, and i did not even think about using...it was just a normal day...soooooooooooo...gonna thank God for normal days now, since i have kinda had a first one that i can recall anyways...i have pretty much stayed in the day, nothing real exciting, but nothing tragic either...i am changing...it is easy to fall back on old thoughts and feelings...and behaviors...for that is all that i have known for a very long time. anyway, just thought i would try and keep it real...recovery is like life...it is going to have its bumbs! my point is...normal for me was using...period...whether good things were happening or not...whether i felt good or not...using was a way of life, and my life revolved around using. only because i am not using today...do i even have a choice. normal is not "top of the world"...but today it is ok...cause i know i wont have to crash and burn either...many blessings, star.

gratitude...

have been feeling very blessed the past few days...i am so thankful that this stomach stuff is better...found out that it could have been that little meal i had at taco bell last week...hmmmmmm...whatever...i have vowed to take better care of myself. when i was active in my addiction, the only time i went to the doctor was for a re-fill on my perscription drugs...if i had pain, i knew what to do; pop a pill; if that did not work, pop another. my health has been neglected because of that. it is a wonder i am not dead...guess God is not through with this one yet! today is my oldest grand-babies birthday; she is 9, and sooooooooo amazing! i am so grateful that she is a big part of my life. i am thankful i am sober and able to enjoy this day with her, her younger sister, and my beautiful daughter. will check in later...many blessings, star.

overwhelming...

when i was out there running from myself, others, and everything else, i did a lot of damage. when i came through the doors (so-to-speak) of recovery, getting rid of the drugs and the alcohol were only the first step. God has seen fit to keep me in this awareness of powerlessness, and today i am grateful for that. the damage is done; no need to cry over spilt milk, although the feelings and emotions i denied for so long do need to be felt and there have been many tears, and i am sure will be many more. healing is a process, and i did not do this to myself in a few months. i have been using some kind of drug or drink for many years. my body was, and in many ways still is...a wreck. it is said that we are physically, emotionally, and spiritually bankrupt...and i agree. i have no clue as to how God is going to fix me, that is his business. when i think about all the things that are wrong with me, it can be very overwhelming. i have no control over the past...it is history; but today i have tools that i can use to live...just for today. that is all i have anyway...right now. while it is true that i have many problems (who doesn't?), that need to be faced and dealt with, the only way i can do that, is one day at a time. i can dwell on the problems, and end up just as insane as ever, or i can do whatever it is that God puts in front of me to do today, and know that he will see me through it...hey! that is the second step! i thought i was beginning the fourth step...the truth is, i have to live all the 12 steps of recovery. i can never forget how powerless i really am, how powerful God really is, and i can never forget to be willing to let God be God! just for today, if i get too overwhelmed by things i cannot control...gonna let go, and let God...many blessings, star.

acceptance...

just for today, i must accept where i am, and what is happening in my world. i may not like where i am, or what is happening, but i still have to accept it. pain and suffering, sickness and even death, is all a part of life. it will eventually come around to all who live. i am truly grateful that the stomach flu i had is much better. i can actually eat solid foods again, and was able to even get out of the house today. the pain has eased, and i am looking forward to a full recovery. i have so much to be thankful for, and more often than not, i am not appreciative of the things that are most important. life is a gift...many blessings, star.

powerlessness...

unless i live this step...every day...i will soon forget just how powerless i am, and begin again to struggle against my creator. i have to cease fighting everything. i can control absolutely nothing. i have been physically sick with a stomach virus since Friday. am feeling some better, but still cannot eat without pain. just going to take it easy; drink plenty of fluids, and live through it. i am sure there is a reason, if nothing else, when it does pass, i will be very grateful...haha! many blessings, star.

Life happens...

i had plans today, but they have changed. today i can accept that, and any discomfort i am experiencing, i know will pass...and quicker if i drink plenty of fluids...haha! hopefully i will feel better by this afternoon, and at least be able to post my moment for today. i have been editing them; they were more religious than spiritual, and less real to me now, so each day, i try and let them deal with whatever is going on with me in that time frame...anyways, gonna lay back down and try and feel better...many blessings, star.

willingness...

in recovery, willingness is very important. i was not very willing when i first got sober. i was convinced that i could not survive without my pain pills. it took what it took. today marks seven months since my last use of any mind altering chemicals. i still find myself slamming the door on willingness sometimes, but recovery does not work without it. i still want what i want...but today that includes being sober. all it takes is just a little willingness to do things differently. my self-will has slammed the door between me and God...and no doubt will continue to do so on this journey of healing. willingness, in the smallest proportion, is all that is needed to open that door. just for today, i am willing...many blessings, star.

big sigh...

everything went the way it was suppose to i suppose...they were late getting started, so i got antzy...floated in there on what we like to call in the program "a pink cloud". by the time i walked out of there...it had turned into a storm cloud. i wanted to blame everyone but myself of course, been there done that; does not work for me today. if i am angry, it is my own fault. growing up in public SUCKS! don't misunderstand, the panal, and the judge had good things to say about me today...for a change, but even that pissed me off. i just wanted to go in there, say hi and by, get the hell out and go home. it was a long day already, and they decided to ask me all kinds of questions about my recovery, this website...see i cannot take criticism or praise...haha...somewhere there is a balance, and one day at a time, by facing myself...God will help me find it. i should have so much gratitude, and my head tells me so, but in my heart, i am still working through all these feelings and the wreckage of my past...and still, i just do not like having to do all this stuff. but at least i am being honest and not trying to say what i think i should, or what i think others think i should...hell, i am pissed off at myself. today i know that i have to feel the anger before i can work through it and get past it. i am the problem, and if i am not, there is no solution... today. many blessings, star.

ps. i am exhausted...physically, emotionally, and spiritually...staying sober, in this alcoholic/addict's mind is very difficult. there is no escape...the only way out is to walk through it...i am so thankful that it is almost bedtime!

Drug Court...

another wednesday...before the judge...even though i know that i have not used, and i have been going to my classes and my meetings, i hate going to court! but, i know that i am the one that put myself in this situation. no one put a gun to my head and made me do the things i did that got me to where i am today...but me, myself, and i. i am so past blaming everyone and everything else...that is progress for me. my stomach is churning, my nerves are on edge, and i physically feel sick. my solution? i am going to take a very hot bath, try and relax a little, spend some more quiet time with my Higher Power, try calling my sponsor again, go to a meeting...then go pee in a cup, and go on to drug court! i am really blessed to have so many people trying to help me stay clean and sober...it takes what it takes, and for this drunk and druggie, it takes this. today, it is God's way not mine! God knows what i need, i don't. if i have truly turned my life and will over to the care of God, then what ever happens today is God's will. many blessings, star.

control...

seems old habits die hard! a tornado blew in this morning, one of which i began blowing into creation many years ago...i was powerless...could not figure out what i was suppose to do, and finally after some praying, i realized that there was really nothing i could do except sit back and watch...it was hard to do; i wanted to step in and try and fix it...it is no longer my tornado to fix; i have passed it on. there is a lesson in it for me though...STOP CLICKING OUT DURING A TORNADO IN LIFE, AND YOU WONT HAVE TO BE FACED WITH THE CLEAN-UP FOR YEARS AND YEARS TO COME! haha! can laugh about it now, but this morning when the tornado's winds seemed to be reaching dangerous speeds, i was trapped in a panic attack! anytime i feel uncomfortable, i know now that it is about me...not really the tornado that is blowing around me. see, i clicked out of most of those life situations in the past, and did not learn how to deal with them. well, better late than never! many blessings...star.

triggers...

usually when we speak of triggers around people recovering from drug and alcohol addiction, it is in referrence to things that may trigger our desire to use...old playgrounds and playmates; or usually just anything that i might not want to deal with at the moment. i have had those kinds of triggers, but i just play the tape...for anyone that does not know what that means, i play the tape of what always happens when i use anything to escape reality...since i have been there, and don't wanna go back, that is usually enough for me. the triggers that i have been having, have to do with flashbacks of some very destructive behaviour that i was responsible for. uck! i sure do not like remembering those uncomfortable situations that i caused. but, being in recovery today, demands it. there is no easier, softer way. i have to work through the past no matter how badly i might want to slam the door on it. i have to be willing to listen, take suggestions, and work the 12 steps of recovery as so many before me successfully have. my way never worked! today i was driving down a familiar street, and remembered such a time...it made me feel bad, but i felt it, and let go of it, and did not allow myself to be trapped by it, and ruin my entire day. use to, guilt and shame controled my life. triggers are going to come and go...but each day of sobriety brings an emotional ability that i did not have yesterday. by walking through each day, each trigger that God allows me to face, only increases my strength for the next one. to me, this is living life on life's terms successfully, just for today...many blessings, star.

courage to change...

this one is a biggy! everyday i am faced with opportunities to change...now that i have stopped using chemicals to alter my perception of life, i am still left with life. i am still left with me. i use to always think that i could just pray for courage or patience or wisdom, and it would come. then when i did not get what i wanted when i wanted it, i gave up and used, or escaped in some form of addiction. today i know that God will give me what i need, when i need it; let's face it, i do not need everything i might want, and it is not always about me. most of us have more than enough. ever heard the term less is more, well, i understand that today. having courage is making a decision to try things a different way, and then walking through it. it is also stepping out into the unknown with faith. courage is getting out of myself, and becoming willing to face my past, walk through today, and hopefully contribute something besides chaos and insanity to my little corner of the world...just for today...many blessings, star.

emotions...

when i was in rehab, i went through trauma survivors treatment as well. i learned that i had stopped feeling at a very early age due to various trauma's i had experienced along life's way. i also learned that emotional turmoil, unresolved, can cause physical symptoms as well. i am not gonna get a quick fix here...and all my problems will not just magically disappear because i stopped using, or because i have turned to God. emotional growth is important, and since i "clicked" out of it most my life, one day at a time, i am going to have to stay present in the now to catch up. just for today, if i need to cry, i am going to cry. i am also going to try and figure out the source of that pain, so i can deal with it today. sometimes something in today triggers painful memories from the past...where ever these feelings are from, i pray for courage to face them today. there are some things i must do alone, but if i reach out to others in emotional crisis, i will always find a helping hand...many blessings to all, star.

My Child...

when you were still a tiny child with hands so very small,
your eyes were wide with wonder, you had to know it all.
your heart was pure and innocent, not yet touched by life
reality soon taught you... anger, pain and strife.
the faith you had soon turned to doubt;
your love hid deep within;
your wonder turned to fear and hate,
and they were now your friend.
you smothered me so very long that i was sure we'd die
but then you found a new friend, and we started getting high.
i wanted so to comfort you, and take away your tears,
but you had paralyzed our power; we existed that way for years.
sometimes you would call for me, but i could not respond
it seemed that we were frozen, but we always had a bond.
when you finally got honest, and mirrored that to me,
a miracle then happened, we both were then set free.
you'd broken things inside of you, we had alot to mend,
healing's always painful, but worth it in the end.
you asked me why i'd gone away and left you on your own,
your ways kept me in prison but you never were alone.
you listened and you cried alot, it purified your soul,
remembering what you forgot so very long ago.
with faith now strong and love reowned we now were on our way
once again I was your friend and led you thru each day.
the anger's gone and hate and fear, they fled and disappeared,
peace guards us now, like magic; that hazy doubt has cleared.
remember child and don't forget, and you'll never lose your way,
i am here inside you; each and every day.
you only need to come to me exactly as you are,
let my spirit fill you, and we will travel far.
i can show you many things, if you will but see,
relax my child, and be at peace; trust and believe in me.
sometimes you must just be still in quietness you will find,
that i will be there waiting; each and every time.
most times you're in a hurry; most things are'nt good for you,
i can see tomorrow when you have'nt got a clue.
relax and just be patient, enjoy your moments now;
learn to live just in today, watch, listen--you'll learn how.
your longed for peace is easy, as long as i lead you,
don't give me charge then take it back
before i'm half-way through.
my child you were my child you'll be until our journey's through,
if you will just remember: i am a part of you.
freespirited and restless dear child you were so born,
created in my image this earth you do sojourn.
one day you'll rest forever complete-in eternity,
we'll share one spirit in perfection, for you are a part of me.
until that time you must try to help others along the way,
remember: i work through you; be careful what you say.
your will is very stubborn, but once trained for the good,
i can then act freely, when you act as you should.
remember all are my children, i love each a special way,
there is no room or time allowed for games that people play.
when you let me lead you, like magic you will change,
you'll find such happiness in my peace,
such comfort when you pray.
i will fix the broken things and do all in my time,
i'll be with you always, because dear child, you're mine.

tlcoriginals...

On Stage...

The curtain will be going up any moment,
Her smile is already in place,
She's been practicing in front of the mirror,
So she will look natural on stage.
She remembers when she was a small girl of ten,
She wanted to go and play,
"Practice makes Perfect"; "You can do better!",
Her mother would always say.
Guitar lessons--tears in her eyes--
Memories to hard to recall--
She cried and begged Mom to not make her go back,
Abuse left her frightened and raw.
Kids at school; poking fun;
Laughing and calling her names;
Playing air guitars and mocking her voice,
So young to feel such shame.
Teenage years, dating not allowed;
More shows on the weekend to do;
Church on Sunday; she was so tired;
Was up night before until two...
Vacation, camping, she met some friends,
She did not want to sing;
Threats of hair-pulling-her-up on stage,
Mom got her back on track again.
Every summer, she had to work,
Out-of-town singing in pubs;
There was this friend of family friends,
He was so much older than her...
Once again, she wanted to be,
Just one of the crowd for a change,
Someone else, always in control,
There was money being made.
No one noticed; she was drinking;
No one even cared,
Dropped off in Texas at a bar,
Seventeen, on her on, and scared.
On stage she became, as she had been made,
Inside she was lost and confused,
Alcohol her only friend,
But soon came drug abuse...
Recording contracts, managers,
Agents, Producers, and Mom;
Drugs and alcohol consumed her,
So much to escape from.
Looking back she wonders,
Is she still living life on stage?
Waiting for curtains to rise and fall,
Is her life just a Play?
No time to think; no more drugs or drink;
But she still manages to smile,
Others are waiting to rip her apart,
She needs to be back-stage a while...
The curtain will rise, the curtain will fall,
She has turned the page,
Finding peace, in doing God's will,
She finds she's still on stage.
tlcoriginals...

panic attacks...

never even knew what these were, or that i had them...not suprising when one considers all the drugs and alcohol that i have used, and all the years i have used them...sometimes it is as simple as BREATHING...in and out; in and out; SLOW DOWN...BREATH...SERENITY PRAYER...BREATH...no fires today...(star is smiling atcha!)

210 days...

ok, i know some of you that have been following my website will wonder how i got from 196 days clean to 210 days clean in 3 days...haha! i miscounted! simple as that. what is amazing is that it was more halarious, than it was embarrassing...and so that is why i am sharing it! i won't tell you how long it took me last night to finally figure all this out...haha!

focus...

this has been so difficult to do today...it had been suggested to me early in recovery to begin scheduling my day. when i was going to iop classes (court ordered classes of intensive outpatient therapy), i did not like it (scheduling), but i half-heartedly did it anyway, well, cause i had to really...haha! i was always use to doing what i wanted, when i wanted, where i wanted, how i wanted, and if i didn't want...then it just wasn't happening! talk about self-will run riot! i am just now (four months later), realizing the importance of scheduling. it holds me accountable; helps me with fulfilling commitments , getting me out of self, and makes me responsible--for myself, and to others. well, last week i had been isolating so much that i decided to schedule more time out of the house. see, i have to get permission for everything i do, cause my behaviour landed me in jail, which eventually landed me in drug court...on house arrest. anyway, i scheduled my day, but failed to really communicate it to my daughter properly, and so, this morning, before i went to my meeting, i had an unscheduled arguement with my beautiful daughter...which, in my frame of mind, i was not equipted to deal with. oh well, it came...it passed, and i went on to my meeting which is just around the corner...haha...made a wrong turn, and finally it dawned on me that i was not focusing on what i was doing...haha! live and learn! walked into the meeting and listened to everyone...meeting was on gratitude...darn! heck, i'm grateful for everything right? i wanted to whine...anyway, i know that i am sooooooooo blessed...beyond what i deserve, but hey, i was focusing on the fight...knowing all along that i am the problem. there we go...finally something i am truly grateful for at this moment...KNOWING THAT I AM THE PROBLEM! hey folks, that is progress for me. today, i have many tools to use to get out of the problem and into the solution...gonna make a list tonight of my schedule tomorrow so it does not conflict with my daughters schedule...it is afterall, her house i am living in, her car that i am using...there... two more things to be grateful for...could be living in a half-way house (which is where they wanted to put me), and could be walking in this cold, or riding the bus...ok, ok, gonna take another suggestion and make a gratitude list, and start reading it every morning...many blessings, star.

ps...gonna have lack of focus days...it takes a year and a half to two years for the brain to start working properly again...so...just gonna have to deal with it...that's life...even normal folks have fuzzy days!

click...

if you have not seen this movie, please go rent it. don't want to spoil the movie for those that have not seen it, so just for my purposes here i will say that it is about someone that does not like where they are...they want instant gratification, without living through the day to day life STUFF. so, they click their way through life, only to find out that the living is in the day to day STUFF...there is such an underlining message that really touched all aspects of my life. i laughed and cried, and also realized that i do not need alcohol and drugs to click...i have been clicking...all my life; so much so, that i spent most my time on auto pilot. some of those emotions that i ran from are breathing down my neck hot and heavy today. i am just sooooooooooooooooo grateful, that today, i am aware of what it is, and i am not trying to click myself into a better space. gotta walk through it today, and know that i will be ok. the danger is in trying to escape where i am, or getting trapped by it...been there done that, gonna try something different, just for today. many blessings, star.

insanity...

ok, i am insane this morning...all you need do is read my moment to know that...however; i am going to a 12 step meeting...have to get my mind right...you see the problem was never drugs and alcohol...the problem is me...i am still selfcentered and in my own little world of me, myself, and i...just because the alcohol and drugs are gone...i still have me to deal with every day...i'll let you know how it went when i return...many blessings, star.

participation...

i use to isolate really bad...pull the covers over my head...and when that did not work, i would escape into movies, the Internet forums...and this was just last week! haha! my how one can change if one becomes just a little willing. i made a decision last week to begin scheduling my time, which is something that had been suggested to me a while back...hmmmmmmmmmmm...i have selective hearing still! i hear what i want to hear! anyway, it became painfully obvious that i was going to have to participate in life, to have a life...whow...how simple that sounds now! anyway, a dear soul (chip), suggested this...thanx chip...back to participation in my own life...my beautiful daughter has begun discussing things with me...it is so awesome! when she was growing up, i was not available emotionally or physically most the time. she became what she had to to survive...she is beautiful and awesome, and finally she is trusting me enough to share her life with. now is one of those times when my tears are tears of joy, and my smile is truly real...i am soooooooooo blessed. now, i have this website too, and it will help me journal, remain accountable, and be responsible for me...today i am participating in my own life...and it is wonderful...many blessings, star.

reality...

was thinking this morning, and almost laughed myself silly, about how my life is so similiar to
those reality shows. is that not true of all of us? i must have loved chaos and drama, cause i
sure knew how to keep it going! today...not so much, but hey, there is still enough going on
around me! and it is not so much that i could not have drama, it is just today i choose not to
play those tapes. i can get real crazy in my own head without a drug or a drink. today i try to
just watch it all, like it is a reality show of sorts. what i use to see as tragedy, most of it makes
for my comic relief today...i cannot fix anyone else, and it is not up to me to choose their path...
and in the end...it is NONE OF MY BUSINESS! just for today...think i'll mind my own...

many blessings, star.

anger...

feeling anger is ok! let me say that again...FEELING ANGER IS OK!
it is what i do with it, after i acknowledge it, and where i go from
there...it is such a relief to just be human...(big sigh!) i never
allowed myself to feel anger...i thought it was a big sin. today,
i know that anger is there for a reason. it tells me something is not
right. i have to look at my part in it...that is the only part i can
do anything about. let's face it folks, sometimes we live in such close
proximity to others, that at some point or another, we are
gonna get pissed off! and today, that is ok. just because i have
human feelings, does not mean i have to allow them to control me and
ruin my life...always before i drank and drug over everything...and
nothing...the sun was shining...the sun wasn't shining...ladadahdadah...
today... it's a new day, it's a new dawn, it's a new way...and i'm feeling good...
(thanx nina samone)

on my knees...

how does one begin a day...
on my knees...i humbly pray;
keep me sober...of sound mind,
and help me do thy will not mine...
out of self, i need to stay...
for "i" always gets in God's way;
clean my own side of the street,
and help another to their feet...

tlcoriginals...

another day...

made it through another day,
had my share of love and play,
just for today, such healing was mine,
my journey of hope, in God's time.
God's loving arms held me today,
close to him and in his way...
please walk with me,
share this joy,
be a part,
of this one's story...

tlc...

Mystic Physics...

The Dance…
Two particles dancing the dance of life;
Colliding, they became one,
Disappearing into each other…
The Dance of Shiva begun.
Were they absorbed?
Did they really disappear?
Or just become something else?
When the energy becomes too much to handle,
Particles release some of themself.
Particles, particles, all over the place,
Explosion of such, so goes the human race;
Can all the kings soldiers and all the kings men,
Ever put what was back together again?
We dance, we collide, explode, do not die,
We only become something new;
The process may be painful,
But what is one to do?
Misunderstandings begin in the mind,
Where evil and good are born;
As long as we hold tightly to things unreal,
Our spirits can never soar.
Let go, let go, of all that ever was,
And you will discover you’re free,
On the wings of love, I’m a butterfly,
Come fly away with me…
tlcoriginals…

196 days...

was the last time i used...it seems longer, whatever that means, but for this drunk and druggie, this is a great accomplishment. this is a new way of life for me. a healing journey of hope...it really does not matter how much time i have...just matters what i do with it today...the further i get away from my last drunk, the closer i am to my next drink...and for me, even one drink is dangerous...have to remember where i have been and i have to do this one day at a time. every morning i turn my will and my life over to the care of God as i understand God... God keeps me sober...i thank him at night, and just for today, i try and live my life according to God's will not mine...it is working today...gonna try it tomorrow...God grant me the serenity to accept the things i cannot change, courage to change the things i can, and the wisdom to know the difference...just for today...many blessings to all...starlight.

frustration...

well, this is the best i can do today...this blog that is; have been working on it for hours, wondering what to post, what not to post, what to cut and paste, what not to cut and paste...then of course there are the pics...like to never even got my star on...haha! today, it is ok to feel frustrated...it is just a feeling...and this is just a blog! if it all disappears, what is really lost? i will learn as i go...was e-mailing a friend earlier, wondering what i should post, should i put links, ladidadidadida! who cares? i mean, how important is it really in the scheme of things? i am ROTF laughing right now...well, could not very well be typing if i were actually rotf...but you get the idea. my point is, i can feel all my feelings today and not run from them. i can laugh and cry at the same time if i need to. i can feel bad, and not be destroyed by it...it is just a passing feeling...nothing more. recognizing your feelings, and not running from them is part of recovery. i am excellent as an escape artist. today, i want to participate in my life for a change. make better choices...and walk through my life one moment at a time...present in mind, body, and spirit...many times that means feeling frustrated...nowhere does it say that i have to remain that way...look at it, whatever it is, feel it, accept it, and then move on! many blessings to all...star.

ps. just figured out how to allow comments...haha! i am really silly! and computer illiterate...

Beauty and Beyond...

Beyond what is seen by the naked eye; there is beauty. Underneath all that you are not, you will find all that you truly are–there, is Beauty. Like a rose that begins its journey as a seed, you too, the real you that remains unseen as of yet, must be nurtured. A seed requires good soil, Gods’ rain, His sunshine, And His breath to grow, bud, and finally bloom. A rose is not a rose until it is first a seed; and even then, God must visit it. Will you be the yellow rose whose edges have been dipped in a burgundy fire? Will you be the red, red rose whose depth is cast in the mystery of its’ own darkness? Will you be one of the many shades of pink or lavender when done?Rust Orange? Angel White? Sky Blue? Or will only the Rainbow Rose do for you? Once the beast within is tame, the beauty beyond is all that will remain. Like a whisper on the wind you must learn to bow and bend; With grace and poise your Spirit soars on the wings of your angel; You are reborn. Awaken from your slumber sleeping beauty…You are invisible to all; But your Creator knows and sees…YOU ARE…Beauty and Beyond…tlcoriginals…

little things...

i use to dream grander dreams,
did not consider God’s scheme of things;
God brought me down, so i could see,
just how God wanted things to be.
my head was filled up--full of lies,
i kept stumbling, the harder i tried,
my fears drove me away from God,
God brought me back, through grace and love.
in the valley, my soul looked up,
finally empty, God filled with love,
I made you special, just for Me…
I opened your heart, so you could see…
let Me guide you, take My hand,
when I allow, you’ll understand.
it is by faith, that you shall walk,
I’ll give you words when you should talk,
My child let go of all your dreams,
and live My way…of little things…

tlcoriginals...

only a leaf...

only a leaf on the water;
whispering your journey to here,
were you once on a twig or a tree?
dropped by a bird? did the wind set you free?
how far did you fly on a breeze?
i spy a butterfly that landed on you once;
she left you for her preference of smelling a buttercup.
maybe you once were a four-leaf clover,
ripped from the other three...
maybe what i appear to see in the mirror,
disappeared, and you became me.
only a leaf on the water;
how many colors have you been?
how many falls have you beheld?
only to become again...
countless raindrops you've obsorbed,
many clouds you have become,
remember when as that princess child, together, the fields, we'd run?
how many sunsets have you seen?
thousands of miles traveled on a moonbeam;
cannot escape the reality i am you and you are me.
only a leaf on the water;
only you will never be,
as long as there is God's creation,
you'll be infinity...
tlcoriginals...

thanx to my friend chip for the inspiration...