big sigh...

everything went the way it was suppose to i suppose...they were late getting started, so i got antzy...floated in there on what we like to call in the program "a pink cloud". by the time i walked out of there...it had turned into a storm cloud. i wanted to blame everyone but myself of course, been there done that; does not work for me today. if i am angry, it is my own fault. growing up in public SUCKS! don't misunderstand, the panal, and the judge had good things to say about me today...for a change, but even that pissed me off. i just wanted to go in there, say hi and by, get the hell out and go home. it was a long day already, and they decided to ask me all kinds of questions about my recovery, this website...see i cannot take criticism or praise...haha...somewhere there is a balance, and one day at a time, by facing myself...God will help me find it. i should have so much gratitude, and my head tells me so, but in my heart, i am still working through all these feelings and the wreckage of my past...and still, i just do not like having to do all this stuff. but at least i am being honest and not trying to say what i think i should, or what i think others think i should...hell, i am pissed off at myself. today i know that i have to feel the anger before i can work through it and get past it. i am the problem, and if i am not, there is no solution... today. many blessings, star.

ps. i am exhausted...physically, emotionally, and spiritually...staying sober, in this alcoholic/addict's mind is very difficult. there is no escape...the only way out is to walk through it...i am so thankful that it is almost bedtime!