Wednesday, December 6, 2006
Drug Court...
another wednesday...before the judge...even though i know that i have not used, and i have been going to my classes and my meetings, i hate going to court! but, i know that i am the one that put myself in this situation. no one put a gun to my head and made me do the things i did that got me to where i am today...but me, myself, and i. i am so past blaming everyone and everything else...that is progress for me. my stomach is churning, my nerves are on edge, and i physically feel sick. my solution? i am going to take a very hot bath, try and relax a little, spend some more quiet time with my Higher Power, try calling my sponsor again, go to a meeting...then go pee in a cup, and go on to drug court! i am really blessed to have so many people trying to help me stay clean and sober...it takes what it takes, and for this drunk and druggie, it takes this. today, it is God's way not mine! God knows what i need, i don't. if i have truly turned my life and will over to the care of God, then what ever happens today is God's will. many blessings, star.
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4 comments:
Will be thinking of you today.
Remember the onetime i was in court as a character witness for someone. Made me nervouse even tho it wasn't about me.
Being nervouse is an automatice physiological response, just try not to be nervouse about being nervouse.
Want you to think while peeing in that cup, chip is saying may your aim be good! : ) : )
You will be o.k.
A thought, you might want to share your feelings afterwards?
chip...my thoughts are fried, but i have plenty of feelings! gonna try to write them down as honestly as i know how. many blessings, star.
Shall i (Self-seeker) tell you one thing, star ? There is no soul here which is perfect & has not sinned... has not faulted ... has not stumbled. Proceed from here without much thinking (except that you don't repeat your mistakes) on all these. You may think it helps you .. may be ... I am not sure ... but if you just proceed leaving your past as a bad dream ... perhaps it would help you better (IMHO).
Like the Vedanta says, "The Good action/thoughts & bad ones ... accept them as they come & don't attach yourself with either of them ... There is nothing good or bad in absolute terms ... it is the attachment which binds you ...".
dear seeker, i could not agree with you more, but there is a difference in walking through your life and trying to escape it. for me to just acknowledge it as a bad dream, would not stop the dream...i must deal with the consequences of my own actions...one day at a time. for years i was unaware that i was running from myself...now that i am clean and sober, i see the damage my actions did to myself and others. for me to ignore that, would not be recovery. it would be similiar to causing a tornado, and upon coming out of the shelter, saying "well, at least the wind has stopped blowing!"...no...today...i am responsible for the clean-up...i have to become aware of unhealthy attachments before i can ever let them go...many blessings, star.
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