my child...

when you were still a tiny child with hands so very small,
your eyes were wide with wonder, you had to know it all.
your heart was pure and innocent, not yet touched by life,
reality soon taught you...anger, pain and strife.
the faith you had soon turned to doubt; your love hid deep within;
your wonder turned to fear and hate, and they were now your friend.
you smothered me so very long that i was sure we'd die,
but then you found a new friend, and we started getting high.
i wanted so to comfort you, and take away your tears,
but you had paralyzed our power; we existed that way for years.
sometimes you would call for me, but i could not respond,
it seemed that we were frozen, but we always had a bond.
when finally you got honest, and mirrored that to me,
a miracle then happened, we both were then set free.
you'd broken things inside of you, we had a lot to mend,
healing's always painful, but worth it in the end.
you asked me why i'd gone away and left you on your own,
your ways kept me in prison but you never were alone.
you listened and you cried alot, it purified your soul,
remembering what you forgot so very long ago.
with faith now strong and love reowned we now were on our way,
once again I was your friend and led you through each day.
the anger's gone and hate and fear, they fled and disappeared,
peace guards us now, like magic; that hazy doubt has cleared.
remember child and don't forget, and never lose your way,
i am here inside you; each and every day.
you only need to come to me exactly as you are,
let my spirit fill you, and we will travel far.
i can show you many things, if you will but see,
relax my child, and be at peace; trust and believe in me.
sometimes you must just be still in quietness you will find,
that i will be there waiting; each and every time.
most times you're in a hurry; most things are'nt good for you,
i can see tomorrow when you have'nt got a clue.
relax and just be patient, enjoy your moments now;
learn to live just in today, watch, listen--you'll learn how.
your longed for peace is easy, as long as i lead you,
don't give me charge then take it back before i'm half-way through.
my child you were my child you'll be until our journey's through,
if you will just remember: i am a part of you.
freespirited and restless, dear child you were so born,
created in my image, this earth you do sojourn.
one day you'll rest forever, complete-in eternity,
we'll share one spirit in perfection, you are a part of me.
until that time you must try to help others along the way,
remember: i work through you; be careful what you say.
your will is very stubborn, but once trained for the good,
i can then act freely, when you act as you should.
remember all are my children, i love each a special way,
there is no room or time allowed for games that people play.
when you let me lead you, like magic you will change,
you'll find such happiness in my peace, such comfort when you pray.
i will fix the broken things and do all in my time,
i'll be with you always, because dear child, you're mine.
tlcoriginals.
starlightjustfortoday...

powerlessness...

Powerlessness...
what exactly are we talking about when we talk about powerlessness? what is it that we are powerless over? is it everything?
i can remember very clearly the very last day that i used...
i was so messed up, and at that point was powerless over everything that happened afterward. the universe unfolded...b/c i had created the situations leading up to the very moment that led to my sobriety...
what am i saying here? i am saying that every step you have taken has led you right here, right now...no matter what has happened in the past, it led you to today...and today...you have not picked up a drink or a drug...AWESOMENESS!!!!!!!
there are many things that you are powerless over...but that does not mean that you are powerless over the choices you make in your life today...but once you pick up...it starts the entire process over again of obsession...mental and physical cravings are then triggered and we are once again powerless over everything that happens past that point...don't mis-understand me...you might be powerless, but b/c you KNOW you have this dis-ease...
YOU ARE RESPONSIBLE FOR THAT FIRST DRINK OR DRUG NOW...
YOU KNOW WHERE IT WILL LEAD...PLAY THAT TAPE...YOU ARE ALSO RESPONSIBLE FOR FINDING A POWER GREATER THAN YOURSELF...AND USING IT...
you can choose to make healthier choices in every aspect of your life from this day forward.
you can choose to think logically about the decisions you make...today...
you can choose to be responsible for your own life...your thoughts, your beliefs, your feelings,your behaviour...you can choose to be willing...you can choose to take action...you can choose to not use today...
you can choose to stay away from situations that are dangerous for you right now...
you will always be powerless over many things in this life...whether or not a tornado comes and blows your house down is not within your power...
you are also powerless over other people...you cannot control them even if you think you can. in the past i used many methods of manipulation and guilt that i had learned over the years to get my way...to make others do or not do what i wanted them to...it may have seemed to work in certain situations at certain times, but inevitably it always ended up blowing up in my face...
these patterns within are recognized when we begin getting honest and paying attention to exactly what we are feeling and what we are doing...
bottom line is this...no matter how well we might think that we have control over someone or some external situation in our lives...
WE DO NOT AND CANNOT CONTROL THE WORLD TO OUR SATISFACTION...
THE ONLY THING WE CAN DO, IS TO LEARN TO CONTROL OURSELVES THROUGH THIS PROCESS OF RECOVERY.
THE MORE EMOTIONALLY SOBER I BECOME, THE MORE RESPONSIBLE CHOICES I AM ABLE TO MAKE...
THE MORE CLEAR I BECOME, THE MORE ABLE I AM TO TAP INTO THAT POWER THAT IS WITHIN ME, FLOWS THROUGH ME...WHEN I/EGOIC/SELF...GETS OUT OF THE WAY...
WHEN I ALLOW POWER TO FLOW THROUGH ME...WHEN I ALLOW EACH MOMENT TO UNFOLD, WITHOUT TRYING TO CONTROL IT OR ANYONE OR ANYTHING...I BECOME THAT FLOW OF POWER...AND CHANGE HAPPENS...

this does not mean that i do not take responsibility for my life...on the contrary...i have learned how to pay my bills, make plans, follow through with adult things that adults need to follow through on...like when to clean my house, do my laundry, shop for groceries...relax, eat, sleep...all of these things i had to learn how to do all over again...i still am learning how to take care of me in a healthy way...it is a process...i also have to save for things i need, wisely manage the money i have so that it lasts the entire month, plan my day many times around the needs of others...but within all of that...always, my sobriety comes first...and when i forget that...i lose it whether i pick up and use or not...i lose it emotionally...so the recovery process has become and still continues to be, a process of uncovering, discovering, and discarding...those things that do not work...

i am also responsible for learning how to communicate with others in a healthy responsible way...THIS IS A PROCESS...we have been so use to manipulating and controling others...using guilt or any means we could to get our way...that our relationships are usually ALL unhealthy at this point...we have to learn by interacting with others in entirely new ways...this is not easy...is not going to be easy...in fact...IT IS HARD WORK...but it is possible to heal the relationships you have...remember...YOU ARE RESPONSIBLE FOR YOU...

but the more we are able to be responsible for ourselves and honest with ourselves...the more we are able to allow others to be responsible for themselves...

IT IS A PROCESS...OF SUBTRACTING ALL OUR OLD IDEAS...AND ALLOWING THAT POWER TO RE-CREATE OUR LIVES...ONE MOMENT AT A TIME...

MANY TIMES IT IS JUST IN DOING WHAT IS IN FRONT OF US TO DO...

i have found that for me, it has not been wise to make a lot of plans to far in advance, but it is important to have a stable routine...a flexible one, but one that includes time with me and my higher power...time to reflect...time to allow what i have learned to surface...and let go of that which does not work, adopting the things that do work...since life is ever changing...so is this process...it is an ever-deepening presence of being...that continues to open up, as i live my life in the eternal NOW...PRACTICING THESE PRINCIPLES OF SELF-HONESTY...

the first place that we need to practice these principles is with ourselves and our families...by honestly looking at how you feel, and expressing that in a responsible way to others...you encourage them to do the same...

bottom line...i am not powerless today b/c i rely on a power greater than my ego/self...and that power allows me to make healthy choices today...i am unlearning unhealthy behavior that makes my life and the life of those i love...better in every way...WE HAVE TO ROLL UP OUR SLEEVES AND PARTICIPATE IN OUR LIVES...ONE MOMENT AT A TIME...

when we know better...we do better...

knowing is doing...doing is knowing...

THIS IS A PROGRAM OF ACTION...

MUCH OF IT IS IN REALIZING WHAT IT IS YOU CAN CHANGE AND WHAT IT IS YOU CANNOT...THEN HAVING THE WILLINGNESS TO ACCEPT WHAT YOU CANNOT CHANGE...AND HAVING THE COURAGE TO CHANGE WHAT YOU CAN...

WISDOM IS A PRODUCT OF RECOVERY IN ACTION...

starlightjustfortoday...

time to wake up...

today...i am responsible...

today...i have a choice...

today...i cannot blame what i think, what i feel or what i do on anything or anyone else...

i had to put my big girl britches on and face reality...

i had to grow up...

i had to stop being a selfish, spoiled rotten brat...

i had to take responsibility for my own sobriety...my own emotional and physical health...

how did i do that?

ONE MOMENT AT A TIME...

IF YOU HAVE NOT READ YOUR GRADITUDE LIST...READ IT...

ADD SOMETHING TO IT...

i had to admit that i was my own worst enemy...

I AM THE PROBLEM...

IF I AM NOT THE PROBLEM...THERE IS NO SOLUTION...

that is worth repeating...

IF I AM NOT THE PROBLEM...THERE IS NO SOLUTION...

DON'T PICK UP AND YOU WONT GET DRUNK...

oh, that's right...you are powerless...

LACK OF POWER IS YOUR DILEMA...

so...what will you do?

YOU MUST FIND A POWER GREATER THAN YOUR EGOIC-SELF-WILL-RUN-RIOT...

CHOOSE YOUR OWN CONCEPT OF GOD...

IF YOU DON'T WANT TO CALL IT GOD...COOL...

BUT DENYING THAT THERE IS SOMETHING THAT IS GREATER THAN YOU...IS STUPIDITY AT THIS POINT...

the Big Book speaks of a deeper Reality...or a Spirit of the Universe...and even a God Consciousness...

i don't care if you call it a door knob...at least the door knob has done a better job of doing it's job than you have...LOL

THIS IS A NEW DAY...

read the ninth step promises...along with all your other daily readings, which includes...yeap...you got it...the Dr's Opinion and We Agnostics...and i am expecting to see some journaling...

ARE YOU WILLING TO DO THINGS DIFFERENTLY?

STAY OUT OF YOUR HEAD...(save all that stuff for freaking fun friday...LOL).

STAY OUT OF YESTERDAY AND TOMORROW...

HOW WILLING ARE YOU TO STAY SOBER?

STAY OUT OF DRAMA TODAY...

ONLY SPEAK OF YOUR PROBLEMS THAT GOT YOU WHERE YOU ARE...

THE PROBLEM IS YOU...SO IS THE SOLUTION...

remember...I LOVE YOU...call me...

FEEL TO HEAL...KEEP IT REAL...

THIS IS A PROGRAM OF RIGOROUS SELF-HONESTY...

STAY RIGHT HERE...RIGHT NOW...

read these links...

http://starlightjustfortoday.blogspot.com/2007/01/conditioning.html

http://starlightjustfortoday.blogspot.com/2007/09/higher-power.html

http://starlightjustfortoday.blogspot.com/2008/07/defining-godourselvesand-world-around.html

OOOPPPS...i forgot to ask you a very important question...

DO YOU BELIEVE THAT YOU ARE AN ALCOHOLIC/ADDICT?

IF YOU ARE NOT CONVINCED OF THIS...WITHIN YOUR INNER MOST BEING...OR IF YOU ARE STILL LYING TO YOURSELF...

YOU WILL USE AGAIN...

DO YOU REMEMBER YOUR LAST DRUNK?

starlightjustfortoday...

awake to play...another day...

good morning dear one!

read over your gratitude list and add at least one thing to it...

have you started journaling yet? if you haven't, NOW would be a good time to do that...this is not a suggestion...this is something you have to do...remember, it will help you get honest with you...and in seeing destructive behavior patterns that keep you in your own insanity...

read the Dr.'s Opinion and We Agnostics again...it is very important that you keep reading these every day so you will be ready for the work we are going to do on Friday...

HOW DO YOU REALLY FEEL RIGHT NOW?

STAY IN THIS MOMENT...

LEARN TO BE PRESENT AND AWAKE TO YOUR MOMENTS...

HERE IS AN EXERCISE THAT I WANT YOU TO BEGIN PRACTICING...

listen for the sounds of nature when you are outside...GO OUTSIDE OFTEN...look at the trees closely...look at the flowers you see...feel the wind on your cheek today...notice it...CLOSE YOUR EYES AND BREATH...deeply...notice your breathing...notice what your body is feeling today...be present as much as possible...you are now training your mind to stay in the NOW...it is not easy my friend...we are easily distracted...but you must practice this to be successful...
you can also do this while driving, just keep your eyes open for that...LOL
and always remember to...

FEEL TO HEAL...KEEP IT REAL...

it's ok to feel pain...it's ok to cry...it's ok to feel sad...and it is ok to feel

JOY>>NOW

REMEMBER WHAT YOU ARE SUPPOSE TO BE FOCUSING ON...

POWERLESSNESS AND UNMANAGEABILITY...

DO NOT TALK ABOUT ANYTHING ELSE...TO ANYONE...

NO DRAMA...NO DISTRACTIONS...

FOCUS ON WHAT GOT YOU WHERE YOU ARE...

AND RECOVERY...

NO TALKING ABOUT ANY ONE'S ACTIONS BUT YOUR OWN...THAT IS WHAT YOU ARE RESPONSIBLE FOR TODAY...MIND YOUR OWN BUSINESS...

STAY OUT OF YOUR HEAD...OUT OF YESTERDAY...OUT OF TOMORROW...AND

IN RECOVERY...

REMEMBER...I LOVE YOU...CALL ME AT 11AM

check these links out and read them...

http://starlightjustfortoday.blogspot.com/2006/12/emotional-rollarcoaster-of-life.html

http://starlightjustfortoday.blogspot.com/2007/03/emotional-growth.html

http://starlightjustfortoday.blogspot.com/2007/07/emotional-sobriety.html

starlightjustfortoday...

A New Day...

Good Morning!

Have you made your gratitude list yet?

if not, make it...and add to it that you woke up in your own bed...

Have you read the Dr.'s Opinion and the chapter We Agnostics?

read them again...

You have a choice today...

you can focus on the problem...or the solution...

do you know what the problem is yet?

do you know what the solution is yet?

don't worry...you will...lol

How do you feel today? Be honest...

Pay attention to what you are feeling...see if you can connect it to powerlessness...

FEEL TO HEAL...KEEP IT REAL...

Start your journal today...spend at least 15 minutes writing in it every morning about how you feel and why you feel that way...to the best of your ability...it may seem strange at first...force yourself...soon, it will become more natural and you will begin to see that writing things down forces you to look at them honestly...

STAY IN THE MOMENT...

STAY OUT OF YOUR HEAD...

STAY OUT OF THE PAST...

STAY OUT OF TOMORROW...

ALL YOU HAVE IS RIGHT HERE RIGHT NOW...

KEEP IT SIMPLE...

STAY OUT OF YOUR DRAMA...AND EVERYONE ELSES...

I love you...have a wonderful morning...it is up to YOU...

if what you are doing is not working...

DO SOMETHING DIFFERENT...

starlightjustfortoday...

first things first...

and first...i'd like to welcome YOU back into recovery...a process of learning how to live life on it's terms...rather than having life live you as self-will run riot!

this is especially for my dear sweet friend who made it back alive...she knows who she is, so i wont mention any names...but since i am sponsoring her...AGAIN...lol...i am going to be doing a series of blogs about TAKING the 12 steps into a stable, sober, well-balanced life which consists of happiness, joy, and freedom...

first things first...

you have to practice staying in the moment...being here...right now...first...

being present in this moment is one of the most basic principles of recovery, and an absolute if you are ever going to be able to live life on it's own terms...

this ties into the first step and that powerlessness and unmanageability that is felt by those entering into recovery...from anything...

i had to admit that not only was i powerless over alcohol and drugs, but that i was also powerless over my very life... it was quiet obvious to everyone else that i did not know how to make healthy decisions...and i had had years of trying to figure it out in my head...and was quiet knowledgeable about many things...but all that knowledge did not amount to anything when it came to a proper defense against my inability to make healthy choices and live life on life's terms...i was stuck on stupid!

i had to take the cotton out of my ears...and put it in my mouth...iow...shut up and listen!

first things first...

staying in this moment...being awake to what you are feeling...what you are experiencing RIGHT NOW...

what is your physical body telling you? what are your inner emotions trying to release and tell you?

LET THE PAIN OUT...

FEEL TO HEAL...AND KEEP IT REAL...

now, i am saying let the pain out...

BUT DON'T GET STUCK IN IT...

STAY IN THE MOMENT...

DO WHAT IS IN FRONT OF YOU TO DO...
(even if it is just washing those damn dirty dishes!)

CALL YOUR SPONSOR WHEN YOU GET STUCK OR OVERWHELMED!

if you don't have anything to do...read the Doctor's Opinion again...and The Chapter To The Agnostics...(Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous)

so ok...first things first...stay in the moment...pay attention to what you feel...be honest...write it down...cry...hit a pillow...read your literature...but whatever you are doing...keep your attention to the moment and what is going on inside you NOW...once you begin to see it...only then can you get honest about it...and really deal with it...and remember this...i may be a hard ass...but that is b/c

YOU ARE HARDHEADED...AND STILL WANT THINGS YOUR WAY...

your way...got you here...so it is better to admit that

YOU DON'T KNOW...

YOUR WAY DOES NOT WORK...

YOUR WAY WILL NEVER WORK...

YOU ARE POWERLESS...

HOW DOES IT FEEL? LOL

YOUR LIFE IS UNMANAGEABLE...

HOW DOES IT FEEL?


also, remember that i love you...and am thankful to you...for YOU...keep me sober...

be filled with your own inner joy...and make a gratitude list before you call me...

WHAT YOU CANNOT HANDLE...TURN OVER TO THE UNIVERSE...

since you don't have a higher power...yet...i am loaning you mine...it works!

starlightjustfortoday...