Friday, August 10, 2007

setting healthy boundaries...

this is not an easy thing to do, at first; but with practice, it will begin to come naturally...

always before, when i was using, i made horrible decisions that always got me into trouble...either spur of the moment without thinking, or thinking to much a plan of controlling a situation to get what i wanted.

i would do for others, to the extremes...(it is called the martyr syndrome); latter, after i got sober, i realized that this was just another way to make myself feel better in the moment about myself...then when someone would push the envelope, so-to-speak, and take advantage of my 'goodness' (cough, laugh), i would be pushed to using again, and that is what I used for justification every time...it was a vicious cycle...

this was my pattern, and the pattern that those around me, my loved ones, also learned. when trying to repair relationships, especially those of close family, they do not understand that i have to say no now, for my sobriety, but also for their good. if i do not teach those around me to be responsible for themselves, then how can i help them? sometimes the help we give enables the other to be irresponsible...(not to mention relieves me of my sanity!)

so, sobriety is teaching me that many times i must say no. if i become overwhelmed by trying to fix or handle your stuff...which is impossible to do anyways, then my sobriety is threatened and i am no good to anyone...especially myself.

this is very tricky at first; i am not use to setting healthy boundaries...and i still have those buttons that are easily pushed, especially by close family members. have to turn all that off and over...and sometimes the only way i can truly love my family, is at a distance.

it is true that when i am spiritually fit i can go anywhere, but sometimes walking into a situation where i know my sanity will be threatened is just insane! sometimes it is just best to go to a meeting instead!

starlightjustfortoday...

Thursday, August 9, 2007

things i am grateful for...

there is soooooooooooo very much i have to be grateful for; funny, but when i have an attitude of real gratitude, i feel so blessed; as if nothing can touch me but God's grace...

this is my (top ten) gratitude list for today...

1) Sobriety! i am sober by the grace of God...had 15 months of clean
time on August 7th...

2) Drug Court...yeah that's right! no matter how frustrating this can be,
this was the way my higher power intervened in my life...

3) Ms. S...she knows who she is! she has been one of my angels...and has
always had encouragement and hope to give...

4) My home...humble as it is...there is no place like it!

5) Writing...because of this, i am able to get out of me what is bothering
me...believe me when i say, there is nothing that compares with being
able to journal your insanity away...haha!

6) my laptop...hehe! yeap! am very grateful for that!

7) KK and Lee...for their childlike spirit that helps me stay in the
moment.

8) life and its lessons...without it...what would i be?

9) the peace that passes all understanding...a gift from the God of my
understanding.

10) last but not least...God's Grace...which makes everything possible!

remember: with an attitude of gratitude...comes bliss...

starlightjustfortoday...

hope...

sometimes it seems the world's against us,
no matter where we turn;
we laugh or cry, as life goes by,
another life lesson to learn.
sometimes it seems that life's unfair,
that injustice knows no end,
then just as quick the storm clouds pass,
God's sun shines in our hearts again.
if we can just hold on to hope,
as a seed within our soul,
hope can bring so many things,
so hold on...and don't let go...
tlc...

angel...

God sent me an angel,
an angel of his grace,
on the wings of this dove,
he sends his love,
hidden behind your face...
sometimes it is just a smile,
sometimes an encouraging word,
sometimes it is just silence,
in silence truth is heard...
when life comes at me hard,
i know God's angels are aware,
i reach for your always open arms,
and find that hope is there...
i thank God for putting YOU in my life,
what a blessing YOU have been;
i know that even when i fall,
YOU will help me to my feet again...

tlcoriginals...

closed doors...

it has been said that when God closes a door, he always opens a window...

sometimes we get so trapped in our 'closed mind', that we cannot see the window...or the forrest for the trees so-to-speak!

in times of turmoil and confusion, we must pause and just be still...i know it is hard to do...but this is the only way that we will be able to see God's window...

there will always be doors slamming in our face; our first thought, at least mine has always been to give up...we do have to give up fighting those things we cannot control, but there is a difference in that and in just escaping from it all...for in reality, there is no real escape...we must walk through every door that God opens, and when the doors are closed...we must be still to see God's window...

as long as there is breath, there is hope...sometimes it is this hope that is the window of God...

starlightjustfortoday

this moment...

live and be in this moment,
this one, not the one in your head,
be aware of the eternal now...
every other moment is dead...
you cannot relive yesterday,
tomorrow it never arrives;
the only way to live is today...
only this moment's alive...

tlcoriginals...

when trouble comes...

sometimes the best thing i can do, when trouble comes along, is to get out of it's way and let it pass...

what is meant to happen will happen...am absolutely convinced that we have no control over anything outside of ourselves. all i can do is look within, and see my own truths, and pray for willingness to do God's will. in actuality, it is God that must recreate my life...i just have to stay out of the way...

starlightjustfortoday...

sober by God's grace...

God's grace comes in many forms...i know that i am sober today only by the grace of God...there seems to always be 'things' going on; with your loved ones and in the world around you...don't have any control over what comes flying at you at any given moment, but if you are spiritually fit, you can "intuitively understand situtations that use to baffle you"; that is a promise from the big book of Alcoholic's Anonymous.

can't say that i understand some of the 'things' that are happening around me at the moment...but i can say that by accepting everything, exactly as it is at this very moment, i can still have peace within. i still have to get up and 'do the dishes' so-to-speak, and that seems to be where i am at the moment...praying for the willingness to just get up and do what i can do...and leave all the other stuff to the God of my understanding. am not saying that all this is always easy; it is not. the mind still wants to get in there and fight for it's rights and it's position...but at least today, for the moment, i know that none of my old ways of thinking work...

it is really ironic, to have come this far, and to realize that i did not go anywhere...soooooooooooooooo, i am back where i began...

powerless...over people, places, and things...

God's grace is the power that i look to today, for i am only sober by God's grace...

starlightjustfortoday...

Wednesday, August 8, 2007

just another day...

this may well be just another day, however; it is a milestone for this one! am going to go down town in an hour or so and pee in a cup for my last time...and then go to court to graduate this drug program that i have participated in these last 15 months...

i may be free of the rules forced upon me by the courts...(yes i know...the consequences of my behaviour! got that...)

but i will never be free (except maybe in the moment) of the dis-ease of me, which has appeared as addiction, but is only a symptom of an underlining insanity and dis-ease of body, mind, and spirit...

one moment at a time...

i have a good foundation...i suppose it is up to me what i do with that?

am going to do what i have been doing...one day at a time...turn over my will and my life to the care of God as i understand, or don't understand God...

and let the God of my understanding, recreate my life...one moment at a time...

starlightjustfortoday...

Monday, August 6, 2007

playing dressup...

life is a curtain call...

when i was a kid, i use to love to play dressup...the dresses were all to big, the shoes were not my size, but oh what fun i had pretending...the problem with growing up? playing dressup becomes too real...we get to tangled up in expectations that we were free of when we were just children; playing; trusting with that child-like faith that was not forced...infact, we were probably not aware of it, for that same reason: it was our nature...

'knowing' i am 'playing' dressup has been a real gift of grace.


it is a far cry from the 'me' that was all caught up in the game, not even knowing that it was a game...

play the game...but know that it is just a game...and that it is just a 'part' you are playing...

you can smile...and know...and play...

the universe is a playground...so go and have fun!

starlightjustfortoday...

shadows...

shadows wont disappear until they are done...

until you face your fears and walk through them...this means feeling them without running from them...surrender will be futile...

you cannot surrender something that you are not even aware of...

listen to your body...

when you are overwhelmed do your eyes not automatically tear and cry?

let your body tell you when something is wrong...your mind will lie, and those lies are materialized physically if you do not deal with them...

remember that we are usually dealing with years and years of lies...and our bodies as well as our thinking, are usually a twisted mess of energy trapped by illusion...

the most important thing to remember is self honesty...be as honest with yourself as you can be...God will reveal more as you are ready to accept it...

don't fear the shadows...don't run away from them...embrace them, for it is in embracing them that they vanish...

what you are...IS...free...

starlightjustfortoday...

surrender...

when we truly and completely surrender to the power of the universe, and accept God's world as it is...NOW...freedom is the gift of grace...

makes one wonder, why in the world do we continue to take suffering and turmoil back? am convinced that it is out of habit that we do this...if we do not feel peace in every inch of ourselves, then there is something that we are still holding on to...we must let go absolutely...

the spirit of the universe cannot work freely through us, if we are still in the way...

letting go absolutely takes practice...and it is progress that we measure by...not perfection...

all of our ideas were learned...

during your morning meditation, try and go back to that place where awareness was free of...you...

ask God to direct your steps...be conscious that a power greater than you is actually breathing you...centering you...

you will begin to feel all the tensions leave your mind and your body...

you will be peace...you are peace...one needs only to surrender everything...and what will be left is what you are...peace...

starlightjustfortoday...

Sunday, August 5, 2007

peace and turmoil...

is this not just a matter of perspective?

God woke me up this morning, as God has every morning...left to my own devices, insanity rules!

i had to hit my knees, and admit and accept that i am powerless...surrender and accept that there is a power greater than me...and then turn my will and my life over to the care of that power...

simple.

it works!

i am sooooooooooooooo grateful for these simple little things that i can do for me every morning, and it prepares me for the entire day...no matter what happens, for me today, is God's will!

this is not about what is going on in the world i see...this is about what is going on on the inside. the world around me is nuts! my mom is in the hospital, my son and sister are headed that way, my daughter is moving away with my grandbabies...but i am at peace! wow! that is the miracle of my higher power...

i began my day by asking for direction...and surrendering to this power of the universe and beyond...if you do not believe this works, try it...right now...take the first three steps into a life of peace and serenity...

1) i cannot...

2) God can...

3) Gonna let God...

starlightjustfortoday...