Saturday, January 13, 2007

only a symptom...

i used chemicals to feel normal. looking back on my life...all the way back to when i was a small child...i never fit in...NEVER! i did not have friends like all the other children. i was a loner. i was exposed to chemicals early on; i was born in a time when paragoric was thought to be a miracle drug, and was given it quiet frequently as a child, so it is not any surprise that i continued that process when life started coming at me hard. see, the real problem, was that i did not know how to deal with life...physically, emotionally, or spiritually. the chemicals that i used...and there have been many...probably kept me from going completly insane...but eventually, they stopped working for me. the very thing that helped me in the beginning, eventually turned on me. so the chemicals are not the problem really...i am. there is a solution...the only thing that sets me apart from you and God...is me!

keeping it real...just for today, star.

conditioning...

just as my body and mind were conditioned to alcohol and drugs, it has also been conditioned to react in unhealthy ways to everything else. most of my life i have reacted in response to everything with my emotions. go figure! i really did not know any better. this was learned behavior. now that the chemicals are gone, i find that my body is still physically reacting to everything without my permission! haha! one more thing that i cannot control! here is an example: yesterday morning i had hit my knees and turned my will and my life over to God. i was very much at peace...then life blew a tornado in. on the outside, i remained serene; on the inside i was going crazy, and since i had done everything i was suppose to do, i could not figure out why my insides were not responding as well as my outsides. in the past i would have blown back at this tornado...yes there would have been lighting bolts and all sorts of damage and chaos would have occurred! on the inside, i was feeling so out-of-control, and no matter how many times i said the serenity prayer, physically i was thrown into a panic attack. i couldn't breath...i just wanted to jump out of the car and run in the opposite direction! i didn't...and that too is progress! later at a meeting, still shaky on the inside, i shared what had happened...tears came, and one of the ladies in my meeting said that my body was still physically reacting in the way that it had always reacted...even though my mind had sobered, and i was using the tools offered, and making better choices in the way that i was behaving...my emotions were still running wild as they had always been known to do! just knowing that, helped me. just having someone put that in perspective, helped me to understand what was happening to me. because i am sober--by the grace of God, i am making better choices where my behavior is concerned...it will just take time for my emotions get the hang of it! it made me aware...once again...that lack of power is my dilema...everything...even my sobriety...all the way down to my willingness...comes from God.

keeping real...just for today, star.

today's moment...

January 13...

Anger is our desire to control, fix, or change something or someone other than our self.

Human beings cannot fix, control, or change each other. Likewise, they cannot set the sun or make it rise. Accepting all just as it is will bring serenity into your life.

Moment by moment, I will stop trying to play God. I am one of many in His kingdom. Peace will replace anger through my acceptance.

tlcoriginals...

Friday, January 12, 2007

emotional healing...

being where i am right now sometimes means going through painful emotions. i heard something very interesting today that really helped me understand what was happening with me. my body has been so use to reacting emotionally, that it goes there now without my permission! sooooo, it will take a while to break the habit i suppose...there is that powerlessness again. i met with my sponsor today and we went over some things; it was a good session. i am tired, physically, emotionally...in every way i guess. i am looking forward to a good nights sleep.

love to all, star.

today's moment...

January 12...

Today’s sorrow can be tomorrow’s joy.

The pain of giving birth, the joy of a baby’s smiles, the loss of a loved one, the love of a friend; these are aspects of life as it is. Our trials today, prepare us for our conquests of tomorrow.

Moment by moment, I will accept that God knows best; I will be where I am today, acknowledging that it was my yesterdays that got me here, and trust God with all my tomorrows.

tlcoriginals...

Thursday, January 11, 2007

step 4...

"Made a searching and fearless inventory of ourselves."

there it is...all that inner work i am now willing to do...it is just at another level...sure, i have done some work on it before, but until i get ALL the garbage out, and i never really stayed sober long enough before...even now, i am certain there will be things that i will not recall...i have heard many in the program admit to having worked several 4th steps. hey, it takes what it takes. all i have to do is to take the step...honestly...to the best of my ability...and leave the results to God. i am powerless over everything else. so, tonight i will once again, put the pen to the paper and write it out. i am ready; i have been praying for the willingness to continue and the courage to change, and i know that God is filling me with that willingness and courage right now...

keeping it real...star.

step 3...

"Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him."

i am convinced that this step is the stepping stone to freedom. i have been making this decision every day for quiet a while now. everytime i think that i am ready to move on (to step 4 ), God has seen fit to put me right back into step 1...i have come to believe that i will be working these first three steps every day for the rest of my life for my recovery to have any lasting effects. infact, every morning, on my knees, i say to God...i can't...you can...gonna let you...so no more excuses, and i finally realized today that my excuses, hiding as reasonable ones, are just that, and i had to see it to see it. at first, it was, "why should i have to go back and work another 4th step?" (afterall, i have worked several of them!) then it was, "how will i ever make all the ammends that i need to make?" (jumping ahead to step 9)...anyway, my sweet sponsor, has suggested that i began working on my life story...and now i feel ready and WILLING...to take another step towards my own recovery...

keeping real...just for today, star.

step 2...

"Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity."

When i first came to AA (1990), i was searching for loopholes, and i found a bunch of them! see, i still wanted to use; i needed this help, but i did not want it...still wanted to do things my way(STILL want too! self-will is a B!) see, i was special...and you did not understand! God would help you...but not me. now i see that as just another way my mind tricked me back into addiction. this time, once i got into rehab, i was still coming up with all these excuses, but i was beginning to question them, for the first time, and begin to think just maybe they were illogical excuses...and instead of me finding them as loopholes, and allowing my mind to trick me again, God kept me sober (lockdown!) long enough that i was beginning to see the holes in my own loopholes! i had to come...to a place where i knew i needed help, and asked it of God; then i had to come too...(wake up from my chemically induced coma) stay clean long enough to even see what was happening to me...(this was something God had to do for me that i could not do for myself at the time...nor do i think it could have EVER happened any other way); so i could then...come to believe.

just for today, i believe that God can and will restore me to sanity...because HE IS!

still keeping it real, star.

how it works...

1. We admitted we were powerless over alcohol--that our lives had become unmanageable.

who really wants to admit this? to say that chemicals, in whatever form, have literally spun my life completely out of control was the last thing i ever wanted to admit to. i used because i did not have a choice--that is how addiction works, but i did not believe that at the time. i had a very logical reason (according to me) for everything i ever did--or didn't do. i came to AA the first time in 1990. what they say about it is true...it shot my partying to hell! I had already had years of drinking and drugging under my belt, and found myself homeless with two small children...of course, the reason i was in such bad shape (according to me) was that i had been screwed over by everyone i'd ever known...and many i didn't know! so, i stayed clean about 5 months, and switched drugs. i still believed that i could control my using, and since i was still blaming everyone and everything else for my problems, i went back to what i had always done. the quick and easy fix. since then there have been periods of insanity when i used, and did not use, so this time, when i reached a whole nother bottom, i believe that i really started understanding the meaning of the first step...i began living it. it is very difficult to deny that you are powerless when you are locked up in rehab...oh i still tried to blame it on other people, places, and things, but the longer i was forced to exist without chemicals, the clearer i began to see me... and for the first time at this level, look at what was really going on. 8 months later, i am still just as powerless. there is a dear sweet lady i look forward to seeing at a few regular meetings i attend, and she has been sober about as long as God...it use to piss me off when she would say "we are just so powerless over everything...isn't it wonderful!" WHAT??????? however; i am thankful to say, that i am finally beginning to understand just what she means. if it stopped here...then there would be no recovery...this is just the first step, to a better way of living. i am thankful that God has kept me in this state of powerlessness...i am stubborn, so God has had to beat me over the head with this step! the minute self-will tricks me into thinking i have any control, is the very minute i lose control.

keeping it real, just for today, star.

Tuesday, January 9, 2007

by God's grace...

holidays are especially probmatic for the chemically addictive...i made it through, but so many did not. staying sober is not easy, and staying sober chemically is just one aspect...the same person will eventually use again...or kill themselves. i was in a meeting last week where a guy that had 21 years spoke...at a little over 9 years, he stated he almost blew his brains out...see...real sobriety is all about change. some days i still just manage not to use...and that is change for me...i had a pill for everything, and when that did not do it or i ran out...well, alcohol and illegal drugs were all fair game...and sometimes all that i am capable of is to not use...as long as i do not pick up there is hope...once i add chemicals to an already volitile situation...that being me...then i have no hope. it got dark inside several times over the holidays...there were moments when all i could do was hang on...but i hung on to God's grace, and God pulled me through. i am having to face my past. not a pleasant thing. there is no other way...i still want to run and disappear sometimes...just not deal...but i know that until i am as honest as i can be with me...that pain is going to keep following me around like a shadow...staying sober one day at a time is the only way i can do this...sometimes one moment at a time...

many blessings, star.

you're invited...

i will be performing...God willing, at the BlueBird Cafe on Sunday, January 14th. So...if any of you are in Nashville, drop by. The party starts at 7pm, but i would suggest coming early if you want a table...the BB usually is packed! I will get to sing 3 songs, and do not know where i will be in the line-up...hollar!

many blessings, star.

a new song for the new year...

jenny's song...

there's a song that only the heart can hear;
there is nothing that you need to fear;
go in peace and carry the spirit of love beneath your wings,
and listen closely, to the song, jenny sings...

don't be what you think you gotta be;
be what you are;
you were made perfectly;
just like a star;
wishing you were somewhere else won't get you very far;
live...live like there's no tomorrow...

jenny was just six years old when she closed her eyes and never saw another day;
she lived her life like a butterfly; singing with the birds; playing in the rain;
turn the page; it's another day...
live...live like there's no tomorrow...

don't be what you think you gotta be;
be what you are;
you were made perfectly;
just like a star;
wishing you were somewhere else won't get you very far;
live...live like there's no tomorrow...

there's a song that only the heart can hear;
there is nothing that you need to fear;
go in peace and carry the spirit of love beneath your wings,
and listen closely, to the song, jenny sings...

don't be what you think you gotta be;
be what you are;
you were made perfectly;
just like a star;
wishing you were somewhere else won't get you very far;
live...live like there's no tomorrow...

tlcoriginals...

8 months and counting...

!!!!!!!
have not been online for about 10 days...what a challenge that has been! the computer went nuts, and had to be taken to the doctor...anyways...i'm back...and still sober...hope that everyone had a wonderful and safe new years...i am thankful that the holidays are behind me...they say (whomever they is), that whatever you are doing when new year arrives, you will be doing the rest of the year...i hope that is true cause i was staying sober...

many blessings, star.