how it works...

1. We admitted we were powerless over alcohol--that our lives had become unmanageable.

who really wants to admit this? to say that chemicals, in whatever form, have literally spun my life completely out of control was the last thing i ever wanted to admit to. i used because i did not have a choice--that is how addiction works, but i did not believe that at the time. i had a very logical reason (according to me) for everything i ever did--or didn't do. i came to AA the first time in 1990. what they say about it is true...it shot my partying to hell! I had already had years of drinking and drugging under my belt, and found myself homeless with two small children...of course, the reason i was in such bad shape (according to me) was that i had been screwed over by everyone i'd ever known...and many i didn't know! so, i stayed clean about 5 months, and switched drugs. i still believed that i could control my using, and since i was still blaming everyone and everything else for my problems, i went back to what i had always done. the quick and easy fix. since then there have been periods of insanity when i used, and did not use, so this time, when i reached a whole nother bottom, i believe that i really started understanding the meaning of the first step...i began living it. it is very difficult to deny that you are powerless when you are locked up in rehab...oh i still tried to blame it on other people, places, and things, but the longer i was forced to exist without chemicals, the clearer i began to see me... and for the first time at this level, look at what was really going on. 8 months later, i am still just as powerless. there is a dear sweet lady i look forward to seeing at a few regular meetings i attend, and she has been sober about as long as God...it use to piss me off when she would say "we are just so powerless over everything...isn't it wonderful!" WHAT??????? however; i am thankful to say, that i am finally beginning to understand just what she means. if it stopped here...then there would be no recovery...this is just the first step, to a better way of living. i am thankful that God has kept me in this state of powerlessness...i am stubborn, so God has had to beat me over the head with this step! the minute self-will tricks me into thinking i have any control, is the very minute i lose control.

keeping it real, just for today, star.