walk this way...

what are we really doing when we make a decision to turn our will and our life over to a power greater than ourselves, or to the care of god as we understand god?

it means simply that we decide to walk another way other than the way we have walked...think another way than the way we have thought...live another way than the way we have lived...

we have decided, in other words, that we need some power other than this self-will-run-riot to direct our path...and that we will willingly turn our will and life over to that directing and guiding power...

so many think they have to figure out what this power is before doing this...but all we need is willingness and honesty for that door to open to happiness, joy, and freedom...

willingness automatically taps into this power...and this power is unlimited...and always within you...it is awareness itself...within all life and through all life...spirit of the universe...when you are in tune with this source...and you stay out of the way...your journey in this life is one of peace and harmony with the entire universe...

so, how do we do that? once the decision is made to do it, what then?

this next week we will begin to look at the various ways that you have blocked your own spirit off from it's connection to the spirit of life...we will be making a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves...we will be honestly looking at ourselves...

the completion of the third step is in the doing of the fourth...and so, onward we go...

continue reading over the actual fourth step directions in how it works...

the first thing that you need to begin doing is making a list of your resentments...

from as far back as you remember...write down everyone and everything that you have a resentment towards...it may be the church, your mom, your dad, the government, the judge, a friend, your dog for biting you when you were two...lol

feel the anger...this is a time when you can really be pissed off...let this anger fuel your list...be aware of how damn good it feels to be pissed off about some of these things...and write every one of them down...write down exactly what you think was done to you and why you are angry about it...no matter how irrelevant you might think it to be...put it all down on paper...

this is the first part of the fourth step, and you need to do this part before we go on to the next part of it...and there are several parts of it...lol...may as well enjoy this experience of expressing your anger...after this, self-righteous anger is impossible to justify! LOL...

missed spending the day with you...hope you are well...

starlightjustfortoday...

28 days...

WOW...congrats...i think you are amazing...and you are doing a wonderful job...

many say that it is grace that got us here...that but for grace, specifically god's grace, that we might still be out there using or dead or whatever...

the truth is, all humans die sooner or later...do we also blame god's grace for that?

here is my point...grace may have alot to do with it...but so does our willingness to get honest...

are we to believe that we have no control whatsoever? that we are powerless over everything? if that is true, then what is the purpose? why get sober? if it doesn't matter...and we have no control over it...then what are we doing here?

sometimes i sware it does feel like that...and yet, i KNOW that i have the ability to make healthy decisions now...and i KNOW that you are making healthy decisions now too...and i also KNOW that because of this, our lives are better...

powerlessness will always come up to challenge our conditioning at some level...and our wants and desires...but if we can remain willing and honest...and just not use...feel what we feel...accept where we are...have the courage to change what we can...and turn the rest over to the god of our own understanding...then whatever happens we will be ok...

the truth is, life on life's terms is difficult at times...but most of the things we make big deals about are ridiculous...there has been many a time when i have just laughed myself silly for being angry about something that a few minutes later i would realize how unimportant it really was...a lot of this is just growing up...really...

it's funny, but my back has been hurting me the past few days, and when that happens i usually get irritable...and i have been...the littlest things have been pissing me off...lol...but it is remarkable, i find, that this is the very thing that we have been discussing, and it is affecting me at another level...i have been having to turn everything over...my will, cause i don't want to be in pain, plus it makes standing up straight hard to do, and i don't like being irritable, and i don't like being in a pissy mood...LOL...but, i too have had to just feel to heal, and keep it real...this also affects my life...cause i tend to isolate when i am in pain, cause i am not pleasant to be around...lol...but hey...I AM HUMAN...and i KNOW THIS TOO SHALL PASS...and even if it doesn't, as long as i don't use...it'll be ok...

anyways...it does get easier...and the quicker i am able to realize and get honest with ME the problem...the quicker i am able to get into the solution...what a great step 3 is!

made a decision to turn our will and our life over to the care of god as we understood god...

much love and joy...

starlightjustfortoday...

my life...

before recovery? what life?

it consisted of getting high...how to do that...where i was going to get the money...i was always on a mission...that WAS my life...running around in the streets, hocking all my possessions, including my car...not giving a shit about my family, my kids, nothing...i was living off my mom...i had long since left my condo...lost it...lost my car...lost everything really...had long lost me...i really didn't care that i was killing myself...i was not scared to die...i was scared to live...

that was my life...

of course, my life soon changed when life intervened, and i was forced to sober up and look at my life...honestly...

luckily for me, my daughter still loved me...so my life quickly became filled with life again...my family would eventually want me around again...my son would eventually get into recovery...i would eventually go from someone who was irresponsible about everything in her life...to someone that actually had her own place, and paid her own bills...

from there it has grown to a circle of friends...and the beginnings of being grown up...i am very interested in the world today...very active in politics...and i actually care about other's who are going through this addictive process...i care about the environment, and i do what i can to do no harm to this earth or to other living creatures...

i try everyday to become more responsible by educating myself on global issues, as well as those that affect my Country and my community...i am concerned with alcohol and drug addiction and how is affects those around me...and i try to help where and when i can...

the very fact that i have a life is a miracle...but i do have one, a very good one today...and i cannot imagine ever going back to the way it was...i am happy, joyous, and free...and i love my life today...

so, what is it concerning life that i have to turn over? in the beginning, it was everything...my daughter, my son, my mom, my sister, the judge...EVERYTHING...b/c i did not know how to deal with anything...but i have had over two years now of learning how to be responsible and live life on life's terms...and so, i do pretty well in my relationships and my worldspace...

i still have days when i have to turn my physical pain over; or my frustration about the election; or my frustration over anything that i cannot control...i will never be able to control other people, places, and things...and so, i either learn how to change my thinking and my emotional reaction...or i can suffer the frustration of powerlessness...today i choose to change what i can...and accept the rest...if you can learn this...you too...will have the promises come true for you...remember, all it takes is willingness and honesty...

also remember...THIS IS AN INWARD JOURNEY...the work has been on me...my unhealthy patterns...my emotional reactions...my manipulative behaviors...all the garbage had to be taken out...this was and is still done through taking these steps and honestly looking at me...most of it is just growing up...becoming a responsible member of my family, my community, society...it is a process...a journey of recovery...a moment by moment experiencing of learning how to live life on life's terms...remaining honest and willing to do what i am able to do...

what you cannot handle, you turn over for now...believe you me, that if it is something that you need to learn to handle...it will keep coming back around until you learn how...LOL

have a wonder-filled day...remember to breathe...open up...allow the spirit of the universe...that deeper reality within...to take over YOU...

starlightjustfortoday...

made a decision...

i can remember early on in my sobriety having to make this decision over and over again...sometimes several times in one day...sometimes seemingly all day long...

it takes time for the head to clear from the abuse of drugs and alcohol, and so the repetitive nature of hitting our knees every morning and going through this ritual becomes necessary to reprogram our old ways of thinking, into open opportunities of the moment...moments of change...for the better...

it also takes time for old behavioral patterns to change...and so, out of necessity, for survival, and that ever-pending first drink or drug...we do these things to change our very habits...

until our head is clear enough, we cannot think about doing the necessary work ahead...and so, we turn over what we cannot do...

what does it really mean to make this decision? for me, it meant that i did not want to continue to live the way i had been living...also, those 9th step promises were ingrained in my consciousness...i wanted to be happy, joyous, and free...and that meant, learning how to live in the present...which is really difficult at first, because we are so use to living in our heads, and in all the drama we create...

when we talk about our will, we are actually talking about what we want...we want what we want and we want it right now! most of my life i did exactly that, no matter who it hurt...and it mostly hurt me...and when i could not get what i wanted...i drank and drugged to escape that fact...what is so ironic, is that i still do what i want...it is just that my wants have changed...lol

when my will is aligned in harmony with the spirit of the universe, everything runs smoothly...i can still get in trouble when i decide to take my egoic will back and run with it...it becomes a power struggle that i cannot win...no matter how hard i try, i cannot control the world around me to suit my selfish desires...when i relinquish that control, and decide to 'go with the flow', 'live and let live', 'cease fighting everything'...that is where peace happens...if i get knocked out of that peace, it is because what i want has taken back over...this does not mean that we do not take responsibility for ourselves, and allow other's to do the same...but most of us have to learn how to do this...i did not know the first thing about being responsible for me...i allowed other's to manipulate me, and i in turn manipulated other's...and so, this is a process...one that reveals itself through living experiences...living life on life's terms...we learn how to be responsible for our own selves, and we learn how to allow other's to do the same...

so my will is my ego...which has been out of control...this is not to say that there are not healthy aspects of ego...there are...but mostly what we have dealt with is self-will-run-riot...an exaggerated version of a spoiled rotten child, out of control, throwing temper tantrums in public...and we cannot expect this child to all of a sudden grow up and act right...it took years for us to get in this shape, and it will not be easy to unlearn these old ways of thinking, and the unhealthy habits we have grown accustomed to...it is also pretty painful...however; it is doable, as long as we remain honest with ourselves...and the rewards are wonder-filled...

so, moment by moment, we do what we can to change our old patterns of behavior and old ways of thinking...that very self-will-run-riot...and turn what we absolutely cannot handle...over to the god of our understanding...you know what you can handle and what you cannot...willingness and honesty is all it takes...

tomorrow i will focus on what it means to turn our life over...because our will is different from our life...and that is why both are in this step...lol


stay in the moment...out of your head...out of yesterday...out of tomorrow...and in recovery...

starlightjustfortoday...

REFLECTION...

i have been in deep reflection over the past few days...dealing with some areas in my life where i am powerless...and trying to figure out just what i am turning over and to whom i am turning it over to...LOL...
it mostly involves interaction with others, and relationships...but when it causes me any discomfort...i have to look within for my answers today...it has also had to do with some physical issues...and i am being honest with my options...and what i can and cannot actually do about it...
some of the things that i may want to turn over...the spirit of the Universe does not want!
i am reminded that what i can do for myself...i must find the courage within to do...and that which i absolutely cannot do...that is what i must turn over...
sometimes it is difficult to intuit these things...and that is where the living experience of the moment reveals it's wisdom...wisdom is birthed by doing what is in front of you to do, as honestly as you can...then later, reflecting on it, by looking within your own awareness...with rigorous honesty...
when i continue to be honest with myself...i continue to break through conditioned awareness and disruptive behavioral patterns that no longer serve me...
if i continue to look at conflict as an opportunity for growth within my own awareness...eventually i will remain at peace, even in the midst of conflict...
one important thing to remember however, is that with each conflict, there seems to be necessary, a time of quiet reflection for consciousness to absorb what has just taken place.
to integrate the wisdom of the living experience...into the clarity of awareness...
while it may seem like you are adding something to your awareness...i tend to think of it as subtracting conditioning...
recovery is a continual process of uncovering, discovering, and discarding...that which has gotten in the way of progress of our emotional and mental development...as responsible adults.
don't forget that there are innate things in consciousness that are necessary for our healthy development...in other words...not everything about us is to be discarded...just our old ideas that do not work...our abilities that serve us well should be recognized...there is healthy anger and unhealthy anger...healthy love and unhealthy love...for example...
our job now is to look at how we react to each situation honestly, and determine what is healthy and what is not, realistically...and discard that which is not healthy for that which is...
the god of any ones understanding, whatever that is...does not want our anger...does not want our depression...those are the things that we will continue to have to look at and work out in our moment to moment life experiencing...especially our fears, because that is at the root of most of all our living problems...it is at the root of our unhealthy anger and depression...and all of our reactions...it has protected us until we become ready to look at the reasons for it...
it is called growing up and living life on life's terms...accepting what we cannot change,and being willing to change what we can...
remember...your assignment this week is to analyze the third step...
made a decision...(what does that mean?)
to turn our will...(what is the will? how do we turn that over?)
and our life...(what is our life? how do we turn that over?)
over to the care of god as we understood god...(how do we understand god in relation to the rest of the step? what can we turn over? what can we not turn over? how do we turn that which we can turn over? how do we deal with the rest?)
my dear sweet one...i am so proud of you...friday was awesome...you are helping me understand myself at a whole other level...and working and taking...incorporating these steps into our very lives...with you... is opening us both up to new levels of awareness...thank you so much for being a part of my life and my recovery...
starlightjustfortoday...