made a decision...

i can remember early on in my sobriety having to make this decision over and over again...sometimes several times in one day...sometimes seemingly all day long...

it takes time for the head to clear from the abuse of drugs and alcohol, and so the repetitive nature of hitting our knees every morning and going through this ritual becomes necessary to reprogram our old ways of thinking, into open opportunities of the moment...moments of change...for the better...

it also takes time for old behavioral patterns to change...and so, out of necessity, for survival, and that ever-pending first drink or drug...we do these things to change our very habits...

until our head is clear enough, we cannot think about doing the necessary work ahead...and so, we turn over what we cannot do...

what does it really mean to make this decision? for me, it meant that i did not want to continue to live the way i had been living...also, those 9th step promises were ingrained in my consciousness...i wanted to be happy, joyous, and free...and that meant, learning how to live in the present...which is really difficult at first, because we are so use to living in our heads, and in all the drama we create...

when we talk about our will, we are actually talking about what we want...we want what we want and we want it right now! most of my life i did exactly that, no matter who it hurt...and it mostly hurt me...and when i could not get what i wanted...i drank and drugged to escape that fact...what is so ironic, is that i still do what i want...it is just that my wants have changed...lol

when my will is aligned in harmony with the spirit of the universe, everything runs smoothly...i can still get in trouble when i decide to take my egoic will back and run with it...it becomes a power struggle that i cannot win...no matter how hard i try, i cannot control the world around me to suit my selfish desires...when i relinquish that control, and decide to 'go with the flow', 'live and let live', 'cease fighting everything'...that is where peace happens...if i get knocked out of that peace, it is because what i want has taken back over...this does not mean that we do not take responsibility for ourselves, and allow other's to do the same...but most of us have to learn how to do this...i did not know the first thing about being responsible for me...i allowed other's to manipulate me, and i in turn manipulated other's...and so, this is a process...one that reveals itself through living experiences...living life on life's terms...we learn how to be responsible for our own selves, and we learn how to allow other's to do the same...

so my will is my ego...which has been out of control...this is not to say that there are not healthy aspects of ego...there are...but mostly what we have dealt with is self-will-run-riot...an exaggerated version of a spoiled rotten child, out of control, throwing temper tantrums in public...and we cannot expect this child to all of a sudden grow up and act right...it took years for us to get in this shape, and it will not be easy to unlearn these old ways of thinking, and the unhealthy habits we have grown accustomed to...it is also pretty painful...however; it is doable, as long as we remain honest with ourselves...and the rewards are wonder-filled...

so, moment by moment, we do what we can to change our old patterns of behavior and old ways of thinking...that very self-will-run-riot...and turn what we absolutely cannot handle...over to the god of our understanding...you know what you can handle and what you cannot...willingness and honesty is all it takes...

tomorrow i will focus on what it means to turn our life over...because our will is different from our life...and that is why both are in this step...lol


stay in the moment...out of your head...out of yesterday...out of tomorrow...and in recovery...

starlightjustfortoday...