feeling emotions...

so much of my life has been about not feeling what i feel...fortunately though, for the last two years+, i have been facing them as honestly as i know how too...so today, when i had these emotions come up, i just let them come...at one point i was laughing and crying at the same time...lol...much like i am doing right now...

here's the thing...i have made my own emotional health a priority, and then too, have spent a lot of time repairing family relationships...so, i have not dated, or sought out anyone really to date; actually, i have ran the other way, every time a situation arose...

now though, i have been thinking that it might be time to consider a relationship with a healthy, intelligent, responsible man...now with this decision comes a lot of fear...cause i do not know the first thing about this...every relationship i have ever had, has been unhealthy...there was always the tendency to think in terms of Cinderella and Prince Charming...lol...but i have come to see, that many women think this way, for it is how we were raised basically...

anyways...i have done a fair job of establishing a healthy self-esteem, so i don't need, nor desire any man to take care of me...but i do want that beingness...that togetherness...that love that is missing, for now, in my life, with another human being of the opposite sex...

let's talk about sex...lol...i love it...although i have not had any in about three years, except with myself...but anyways, again, this is something that i have to look at realistically today...from an adults perspective, because i am an adult...and there is nothing wrong with responsible, consenting adults having sex...now i don't want to have sex just for the sake of having sex...i want companionship and a loving relationship...but good sex is good! LOL...

anyways, i ran into someone that has a lot of time in recovery today, who has a healthy life and man in that life, and so she has agreed to help me along my journey...(it's called sponsorship).

she gave this assignment out of our Big Book to do, and i found myself feeling such sadness at the little girl i use to be...i was so sick emotionally...but i also found myself not feeling resentment towards those past relationships...how could i? those men were sick too...nevertheless, i am feeling a lot of emotion right now...and that is good, because then i can put that chapter of my life to rest completely, and move on to the next...

she also asked me to make a list of what qualities i was looking for in a man, and what i expected to get out of the relationship...

i want someone who is kind and loving; but i want them to love themselves...have a healthy self-esteem...not be needy...i want someone who is intelligent and loves the things that i love, so that we will be compatible...i want someone who is honest and responsible...for these are the things that i require of myself, and expect no less from someone that i will love and commit myself to. most importantly...i want a friend.

anyways, needed to blog about this...this is a major step for me...but i am going to live my life with all the passion that i have been given, and hopefully share it with someone special...

wow, so this is what a healthy and mature decision feels like...awesome!

starlightjustfortoday...