step 6...

"Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character."

when i shared my life with my sponsor, it was very emotional. what i am realizing, is that the defects in my character, caused the insanity that was my life. the many things i did that caused chaos for myself and those around me, stem from basically the same character defect...selfcenteredness. wanting what i wanted when i wanted it...even the so-called "good deeds" i would do, were ultimately rooted in selfishness. i had learned early on that you reap what you sow, so even when i was trying to "do the right thing", it was so that i could reap the good things in this life. sure, maybe i convinced myself for a time that i was sacrificing for others...but i only did that when it was convenient for me. becoming open, or willing to do God's will, is not deciding for myself what God's will is...it is in allowing God's will to unfold before me...unexpectedly...and be willing to accept it as such, and walk through whatever is in front of me...without thinking...

am i ready to be rid of all selfishness? am i ready to bury my ego? am i ready to except the illusion that "i" have been, and become the awareness that always was? the truth of the matter is...only the awareness that is God knows...sometimes these defects of character have to be hammered out of our consciousness; and sometimes they return with a vengence...just like the desire to use. just for today...am willing to try...but there is still the nagging thought that begs the question of selfishness: "is it going to be to hard?" God does not just throw away the clay and begin again...the awareness that i had as a new born baby, is the same yesterday, today, tomorrow, and forever...it has just been clouded by my own desires...am realizing that my desires got me into this dilema...but as a friend often tells me: "you cannot desire not to desire." well, you can, but it does not work...that is the point! so, once again, the reality of powerlessness comes into play. i am willing to the extent that i can be today...and that is all it takes...God will do the rest.

many blessings...star.

today or tomorrow...

tomorrow never gets here...when it does, it is always today...i will live today, tomorrow, instead of trying to live tomorrow, today...

it is so easy to get ahead of myself, and forget that it is God's grace that has given me everything...including the air that i breath. when things start falling into place, there is a tendency to think "i am cured". i will never be cured from this disease...i can recover...i am recovering...but it is a simple program that requires me to live just for today...i am not promised tomorrow, and God is not in tomorrow...God is right here right now. i cannot make promises to others, that i use to make and fall short of...i cannot say: "i will never use again!" cannot count the times that i said that, and meant it, only to find myself lost again in the depths of addiction. this is a scary time for me, but also, a time for adventure. the problem is in fearing the unknown...i cannot live in tomorrow...it is all in my head and full of fear. this is a program of action...not thinking to act...and i can only live in this day...right now...if i have truely turned my will and my life over to the care of God...then what ever happens today, is God's will. so, i cannot live tomorrow today, but i can use what worked today...again...

keeping it real...star.

Today's Moment...

January 27...

Things are as simple or as complicated as we make them.

Why humans continually complicate simple matters is one of life’s little mysteries. We prove over and over again to ourselves and others that we do not have the power to control, fix, or change anything but our own behavior—and even that power comes from God. God has given us the simplicity of His love. This is all we need to solve any and every problem that arises. Humility is usually the last place we look to find peace; if it were the first, we could avoid a multitude of confusion.

Moment by moment, I will humble myself before the Almighty God, and I will take my place with the simple.

tlcoriginals...

where is that cover!

did not want to rise and shine this morning...haha...those that use to know me, knew me as someone who only came out at night...if i was up, and usually i was, when the sun came up, it was cause i had been up all night! so, a big part of this change has been that i now get up in the morning, and go to bed early enough to get a reasonable amount of sleep. have not been sleeping well, and had to go to the doctor yesterday for some other things...gonna have to have several tests run...which of course i hate...i am learning however, that doctors and medicine can be very helpful...if you are just honest with them. and so, this is the new me...being as honest as i know how to be...they have decided to put me on anti-depressants...this is something i have really been fighting against...but i have decided to try it. it will help to stabilize the chemicals in my brain, and produce more endorphins...those are the happy chemicals of my brain that i overworked and wore out when i was drinking and drugging...we shall see how this will go. i will keep you posted.

keeping it real...star.

January 25...

Where do you run when you have run out of places to run?

There comes a time in everyone’s life when reality must be faced. Sometimes it is faced drastically in death—our own, or someone else’s. No one can escape ones self forever, and you can not run from reality with out it eventually catching up to you.

Moment by moment, I will deal with life on its own terms. I will look in the mirror and begin to change. I will accept responsibility for myself, and walk through reality with God.

tlcoriginals...

free at last...

i am sooooooooooo jazzed! just went for a walk with my daughter and the girls...did not have to call and get permission...and it was so wonderful. lost the little black bracelet today; got the green light for my own apartment...i love sobriety and am so thankful for drug court. God is good...and i am wonderful...

just for today...star.

Today's Moment...

January 24...

Trust God and do the dishes!

Many times in our daily living, we question our decisions. We sometimes waste precious time worrying about something that has already happened, or something that has not happened, and may not ever. Once we learn to trust God on a daily basis, then we must trust that He will guide our lives in all areas. From that point on, we need to focus on what is in front of us to do, and leave the rest to Him.

Moment by moment, I will free my mind of doubt, and I will take care of my business, and leave God to His.

tlcoriginals...

body, mind, and spirit...

eastern medicine is way ahead of us in this...and i hear, even in America, that there are parts of the U.S. that recognize the total wellness thing...and do not try and separate the body from the mind, or the spirit from either...the truth is, i am finding on a whole new level, that you cannot really separate them and be whole. many insurance companies are paying for acupuncture, deep tissue massage, and all kinds of things that work toward a healthy body, mind, and spirit. when i was young, i was always sick. stomach problems galore, and tonsillitis...i thought that falling out of that tree, about 20 feet, and landing on my back, had more to do with it than anything else, but now, i am not so sure. when i was incarcerated, and in re-hab, there was a schedule we had...meals came at the same time every day (for the most part), and the food was pretty healthy. we complained about not having enough salt, no real meat...except for the baked chicken every Sunday, and no caffeine...but really, my stomach problems were much better then. of course, not much stress, i mean, lots of time on your hands, but everything that you needed was there, of little to no cost or trouble...sure, i was going through trauma rehab as well as the New Avenue's A & D program, but life was really simple. my point is, since i have been out...in the real world...my stomach problems have come back. now i have tried eating what all the IBS diets suggest, tried fasting, and tried anti acids...but nothing has been helping. living sober is stressful for this drunk & druggie...living life, on life's terms, is not easy for anyone sometimes. use to, i would just go to the doctor and get a pill...that is not going to work for me today, so i am having to understand that much of my stomach distress, and more than likely, many of my other physical dis-eases, are contributed to, or at least made more intense by emotional inabilities to cope with life on life's terms...especially in early recovery...without a drink or a drug. i can remember one of my long time doctors...gastrointestinal...said to me years ago...(one of the times i was trying to stay clean)..."so, when you are feeling good about yourself, your stomach is ok, right?" i can remember this really ticking me off, cause it made it all up to me...like i was making my stomach hurt! the truth is, i cannot control what i am feeling, until i recognize it and deal with it. then the only way i can control it, is to let it go...and let God. sometimes what i do or do not eat, will make this condition worse...sometimes not, but last night was one of those times...was having a time letting some stuff go that had upset me...and between my stomach and my mind...like to never have gotten to sleep...but ya know...it takes what it takes, and sometimes it takes me wearing myself out mentally, thinking a thing to death, before it is put to rest...so...i have to accept that today. it is not as bad as it use to be. and if i don't invite caffeine to the party...i have an easier time of it...also, if i steer clear of the chaos...then my mind does not race with what ifs...soooooo...maybe it is a lot about choices, but until you learn which ones are reeking havoc in your life, you are just at their mercy...once the alcohol and drugs are gone, and you begin working the 12 steps...this uncovering process can begin. and then it is all about discovering and discarding...those things that have not served you well in the past...this includes behaviors, foods, drinks, pills, exercise or lack there of, religious beliefs, and sometimes even family and friends... i have been told that there are some things you will want to keep...and yea, i guess i have a few...anyways, proper balance in body, mind, and spirit, will go a long way in making one whole...i have been falling out of trees all of my life...and maybe it has made my body more susceptible to certain weaknesses than others...but i am convinced that my body, mind, and spirit, wants to be whole, and will work towards that end if i just learn how to stop fighting against it, and let it happen...all in God's time...maybe i am a miracle in the making!

many blessings, star.

acceptance...again!

it is difficult to accept where you are, when you are not where you want to be...but it is impossible to be where you want to be, before accepting where you are...

went to drug class, and had to accept the fact that i am just not, nor have i apparently ever been, a responsible human being. more and more i am seeing so many around me...they work, they pay their bills, and they don't end up in drug court...and some that do, after being clean for a few 24 hours, start leading responsible, healthy lives. it made me angry that i do not seem to be one of those that can...i became very uncomfortable listening to someone share how they were working, taking care of sick kids, paying the bills, being faithful to their spouse...it just does not seem fair...that i can't seem to get the right foot out the front door! it would also appear that once they graduate drug court...then they have it made in the shade...i know appearances can be decieving, and maybe they are still living the illusion, but it really made me angry...and of course i had to analyze it, and i am realizing that what i am angry about is that i can never drink alcohol or use drugs again. sure i have read it, said it, but maybe it is just now sinking in...i have to grow up...and live life on life's terms...uck! another thing that i think i am angry about, is i don't have a clue as how to grow up, be responsible, and live life on life's terms...haha...guess that is why it is a one day at a time...in a row...program...forever...but i do not want to waste time hiding behind the drink and the drug...i am the problem, or there is no solution...if drugs and alcohol were the problem...i'd be fixed...sooooooooooooooo...back to accepting where i am, before i can get to where i am going...just for today. it is very scary, and i suppose what i am most scared of is failing...but you can never fail or succeed, unless you first become willing to try...and just for today, i am willing...

keeping it real...star.

living in america...

it's been quiet a while since i paid rent...had a condo lost it...you know the story...anyways...been checking out a few places to run by the judge on wednesday in drugcourt, and before you can ever rent, you have to get past the deposits...and they want one for everything! gas, electric, phone...security...man oh man oh man...may have to sell the laptop and the guitar just to cover the deposits! more change...my own place...starting all over...and i do mean starting over...don't have a pot or a plate or a fork or a blanket or a bed! this will be quiet a change for me...i have been spoiled rotten most my life; and things have really come rather easy...even when i was throwing it all away...they say less is more...we shall see!

just for today...star.

moment for today...

january 23...

walking through another day...

just for today, i will walk and not run...i will try to experience everything God puts in front of me...if there are flowers along the way, i will take a deep breathe in...if there is a skunk...well, you get the idea!

moment by moment...while walking through this day, no matter what befalls me, i will not forget to smile, i will not forget to be kind, and i will not forget to keep God in my heart...

tlcoriginals...

the more sober i get...

the crazier the world and those in it seem! maybe it was that way all along...maybe i was too busy "pouring me another" to pay attention...most the time now i do not participate in the insanity going on around me (progress not perfection)...i have turned into a quiet witness...often trying to just ignore the ridiculous things that are said and done in my presence...cannot control or fix them...and every time i try...they just get worse. when i was a young girl, i remember that my mom got very angry with my dad. she moved up into the attick...and lived there for days not speaking to anyone...i don't think i thought much about it then...probably assumed it was as normal as the rest of my life at the time...but looking back i see how insane that was...i too have done insane things when my children were young...as i get healthier, they seem to get sicker...maybe they have been waiting for me to get well, so they could...in any case, hard as it may be, i must give them to God, and stay out of the way. if i get all caught up in the chaos around me, i know my sobriety, if at all, will not be of good quality. sobriety must come first for me...or everything else will be in vain. i cried most of yesterday; today i am gonna laugh...this is life...for better or worse...and after all...it is all in how i look at it...today i choose to wear Chuck C.'s new pair of glasses! great book by the way for anyone out there in recovery...

many blessings, star.

today's moment...

january 22...

the willingness to forgive...even me...must come from God...

struggling to do anything, even to forgive, is going against the natural flow of God...i must surrender to even the so-called bad feelings that i may have about me, before God can take them.

moment by moment, i will surrender everything...and pray to become willing to forgive...even me...

tlcoriginals...

faking it till i make it...

i am not really feeling the pink cloud today...nor am i soaring with my spirit very high! just feeling kinda blah...not low or high...am grateful that i am not depressed, but i am use to being excited about things, and i just am not there. sooooo...this too shall pass...and i will act as if...have been asking myself if i am really ready for God to remove all my defects of character...(6th step)...if i were normal, that would probably NOT be an issue! haha! anyways...love to all , and many blessings...

keeping it real...star.

Today's Moment...

January 21...

We should walk in the spirit with God...

I have heard it said that pink clouds fade, or you fall off. We must not have an unrealistic view of our life, but we must never doubt Gods great gifts of peace and stability, and His ability to change our lives. We may have our pink clouds always, if we are willing to work for them and if God is willing to give them.

Moment by moment, I will remain grounded in reality, ready for service, my spirits soaring high...

tlcoriginals...

step 5...

"Admitted to God, to ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs."

this was really a freeing experience. after i told my life story (4th step), admitted my part in the illusion i called my life, my sponsor and i said a pray and let it all go. the hardest thing for i think anyone to do, is to admit their part and then forgive themselves. use to, i was to busy blaming everyone and everything else in my past for my situation...once i was honest with me...then i could acknowledge what this was all about...and let go of it. i am still taking baby steps...very unsure of everything, except that i know that using is not an option, and i can live with that today...there is still much work that God has to do on me...and i am willing today to let God drive the car...i am just really tired of crash and burn...

keeping it real...star.