step 6...

"Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character."

when i shared my life with my sponsor, it was very emotional. what i am realizing, is that the defects in my character, caused the insanity that was my life. the many things i did that caused chaos for myself and those around me, stem from basically the same character defect...selfcenteredness. wanting what i wanted when i wanted it...even the so-called "good deeds" i would do, were ultimately rooted in selfishness. i had learned early on that you reap what you sow, so even when i was trying to "do the right thing", it was so that i could reap the good things in this life. sure, maybe i convinced myself for a time that i was sacrificing for others...but i only did that when it was convenient for me. becoming open, or willing to do God's will, is not deciding for myself what God's will is...it is in allowing God's will to unfold before me...unexpectedly...and be willing to accept it as such, and walk through whatever is in front of me...without thinking...

am i ready to be rid of all selfishness? am i ready to bury my ego? am i ready to except the illusion that "i" have been, and become the awareness that always was? the truth of the matter is...only the awareness that is God knows...sometimes these defects of character have to be hammered out of our consciousness; and sometimes they return with a vengence...just like the desire to use. just for today...am willing to try...but there is still the nagging thought that begs the question of selfishness: "is it going to be to hard?" God does not just throw away the clay and begin again...the awareness that i had as a new born baby, is the same yesterday, today, tomorrow, and forever...it has just been clouded by my own desires...am realizing that my desires got me into this dilema...but as a friend often tells me: "you cannot desire not to desire." well, you can, but it does not work...that is the point! so, once again, the reality of powerlessness comes into play. i am willing to the extent that i can be today...and that is all it takes...God will do the rest.

many blessings...star.