Monday, October 27, 2008

choose the tao...

i cannot rescue you...you must learn how to spread your wings...
to fly free from your cage...just listen to your heart it sings...
your cage is just illusion...the sky is there for you to fly...
see through all confusion...there is no other better high...
the universe unfolds...you choose the path you're on...
you can choose another way...whether to or not to play...
all within this moment now...you can choose the tao...
there is a world beyond your world...this moment you can find...
peace and bliss within your being...leave suffering behind...
within your darkest moment...you can breath the awe you are...
open up your soul to light...and dance on every star...
the universe unfolds...you choose the path you're on...
you can choose another way...whether to or not to play...
all within this moment now...you can choose the tao...
melt into this moment...melt into just what you are...
in a house or in a field...the mountain top's not far...
freedom is within you...that's where happiness is found...
the truth of what you are...never caged or bound...
the universe unfolds...you choose the path you're on...
you can choose another way...whether to or not to play...
all within this moment now...you can choose the tao...
you only have this moment...feel just what you are within...
fly free in the open sky...each moment life begin...
untangle all attachments...your spirit it was meant to soar...
spread your wings and fly with me...your heart's an open door...
universe unfolds...you choose the path you're on...
you can choose another way...whether to or not to play...
all within this moment now...you can choose the tao...
StarLight Dancing...

Wednesday, October 22, 2008

fear...

after you have finished writing down your resentments, the reason for them and what they actually affect in you...you need to make a list of everything you fear...in detail...

when we get together on Friday we will spend most the day discussing and looking at all of this in depth...

re-read these links...

http://starlightjustfortoday.blogspot.com/2008/10/resentments.html

http://www.blogger.com/post-edit.g?blogID=6671617987993654035&postID=3649858609783035659


http://starlightjustfortoday.blogspot.com/2008/10/trapped-by-habitual-unhealthy-ideas.html


http://starlightjustfortoday.blogspot.com/2008/10/what-i-did-this-to-myself-huh.html


http://starlightjustfortoday.blogspot.com/2008/10/attachmentscause-of-suffering.html

be filled with your own inner joy...

starlightjustfortoday...

Tuesday, October 21, 2008

three columns...

how do we begin reconstructing our past in a workable form of the fourth step?

after identifying the objects of our resentments, distinguishing them into who's and whats and writing them down on paper...(first column), we then put why we are angry or resentful towards these who's and whats...detailing what exactly they did to us that we are angry or hurt or resentful about...(second column), and then we target what that actually affects in us...(third column). for the third column, the big book gives us several options to list...self-esteem, pocketbooks, our ambitions, our personal relationships (including sex) were hurt or threatened, and if you will notice in the example, the word fear is bracketed and used in every instance...

you have to do this with your resentment list...before we get together...there is no need for us to get together until you do this...actually putting it down on paper...this is the work you have to do...so, get to work on this...don't put it off...

remember i told you that the fourth step was done in sections...we need to get past this section before we can move on...

go to a meeting today...find a home group...remember, this is a program of action and more action...

stay out of your head and in recovery...stay out of the past and future...and in this moment...(except of course when you are actively writing down this step...lol).

starlightjustfortoday...

Monday, October 20, 2008

attachments...cause of suffering...

the tape we play over and over in our heads of past occurrences...and our attachment to them...continues to cause us to suffer...the main purpose of the fourth step, is to honestly look at these attachments, and see them for what they are...by doing this, we can let them go, and move on...learning to live in the ever present moment of NOW...

reliving the memory of our painful past, only increases our suffering...replaying these memories, replay the pain, and until we look at them realistically and logically, they will continue to hold pain...and we will continue to habitually feel the pain of our memories...trapped in the illusory cycle of attachments...until we are able to look at these resentments that continue to keep us sick...and see them for what they are...we will not be able to know freedom...

when we break free of our habitual past...then we can know the true joy of living in the ever presence of NOW...this does not mean that life will not continue to bring challenges...life is life...but in honestly looking at it, we learn to live life on life's terms...realistically...our attitude towards life becomes a healthy one...it does not mean that we will not know sadness...it means that we will learn how to experience sadness in a healthy way...and we will not store it in our psyche, or in our bodies...and continue to relive it over and over again...

it also enables us to enjoy the moment...to the fullest...as we know that this life is transitory...things can change in the blink of an eye...as humans, it is normal for us to feel sadness...but in recovery, we learn to feel it, and then let it go...we learn to not hold on to pain...we learn how to live life freely and joyfully...tragic things happen all around us...and sometimes tragic things happen to our loved ones, or to us...but in recovery we learn to look at these things realistically...and instead of going into a deep depression or going on a using binge, we learn to feel to heal and keep it real...we learn how to experience life on life's terms...and we learn to make healthy decisions that prevent suffering in the first place...and so, when something does happen in our lives that causes pain, we can deal with it logically and realistically...pain and suffering are not the same...we must always feel pain, so that it will not become a habitual pattern of suffering...

we learn to distinguish the true from the false...we learn to experience each moment of our lives as it is...and we don't get stuck in suffering...we learn how to move through it...and simultaneously still experience the joy of living...even in the midst of difficult times...

when life brings us something that we cannot control...we learn to turn it over...we face life on it's own terms and we continue to pray for the willingness to exert our efforts towards courage to change what we are able to change...and our living experience of the now reveals itself as wisdom...

remember, the only thing we are usually able to change is our own perceptions...our own thinking...and our own actions...we must own our feelings...and move through them...and sometimes all we can do, is not use...and know...that this too shall pass...pain is the touchstone of spiritual growth...you are on a journey...you are learning to live a new way...a way that works...

read the promises...

much love and joy...always, star...

starlightjustfortoday...

Sunday, October 19, 2008

universe is unfolding without my help...

my responsibility is to pay attention...

if you hang around recovery long enough, you begin to hear people talk about how this or that happened in their life and brought up this or that from the past...iow...the universe unfolded and brought exactly what we needed to look at...and it will continue to do just that...

until we begin looking beneath the surface of life's preoccupations, and get in tune with the moment of now, it is almost like the same things continue to happen, and usually, we continue to react the same ways...we have to learn how to respond differently in our living situations before change can take place...we have to learn how to use our brains, think for ourselves, and actually question the things that continually are being brought to our attention...

this is why feelings are so important...we can try to deny our feelings, but it is not healthy, and the longer we stuff them, and continue not to look honestly at them, the sicker we become...it is dishonest not to own how we feel...and it is illogical not to investigate the why of it...for when we begin to honestly explore the why of how we feel and react, it is there that we are able to face ourselves; it is there that this rigorous self-honesty opens us up to so many life changing possibilities...

the fourth step helps us to begin this process...we look honestly at our resentments...we list the people, places, and things that we have resentments towards, then we give the below the surface reason for why we feel this way...

one of my big resentments was religion...i saw it as controlling and hypocritical...i blamed them for spoon-feeding me guilt...and teaching me a whole array of delusional beliefs that caused misery and grief in my life...and prevented me from being free...

when i look honestly at this, i can see that it affected my self-esteem...it made me feel trapped in a system of perfection that i could not live up to no matter how hard i tried...i felt that it was designed to control my very spirit...and i was angry...

when i look rationally at this...i see that there are many people that do not feel the way that i felt...many people seem to live healthy and happy lives within all of these religious systems...and many of them do not develop deep emotional problems, begin to drink and drug, and become irresponsible criminals, as i did...most of them have respectable jobs, they pay their bills, and they take care of their families, and they are responsible members of their communities and their societies...so, it became impossible for me to judge this system in the limited context of how it affected me...and although, i have come to know many who have had similar experiences, this does not seem to be the norm...

i also had to admit, that there were many good things that came out of my experience with religion...was i going to throw all that out with what did not work for me? i had to finally admit that maybe it was my warped perception of things...now that does not mean that i have to agree with everything these religions teach, b/c i don't...but what that means is that i have to take responsibility for my own feelings and my own beliefs...and of course my own actions...i can no more blame the church for my behavior then i can blame anyone else...

i also had to admit, that most of the people involved in this, did not mean me harm...their intentions were good, even if it missed the mark with me...they were trying to teach me to be a responsible member of society...but since i was of the type to go to extremes, i could never find a happy medium within the religious organizations...but today, i realize that just b/c i could not, that does not mean that they are all bad...

so, this had affected my self-esteem, and when i could not be perfect...i rebelled, and thought that they had hurt me, and made me feel the way i felt...i never felt like i really fit in...and so, i began using...and doing the very things that i at one time hated...

when i really look at the bigger picture of things, i am able to see that regardless of what anyone taught me to believe, i am an adult now, and it is up to me to question these things for myself, and investigate whether they are true or not, and make a decision based on this information...no one can force me to believe anything...it is my responsibility...and this is the gift of recovery...and even though i may disagree with what religious organizations teach...they have that right...just as i have the right not to agree with them...I LOVE FREEDOM OF SPEECH AND BELIEF IN AMERICA!!!!!!!

the fourth step has helped me really look beneath the surface of my feelings and beliefs...to question everything...honestly...and it always brings me back to self-responsibility...making healthy decisions based on the information that...the universe unfolds...if i just pay attention...

feel to heal...and keep it real...just don't get trapped in these feelings...own them, and move on...

stay out of your head and in the moment...this is where life is...this is where recovery is...

much love and joy...

starlightjustfortoday...

Friday, October 17, 2008

what? i did this to myself? huh?

like a little child that wanders out into the street not knowing the dangers there...that is how we start off...then it becomes a matter of us not paying attention to the dangers...or ignoring them...b/c out in the middle of the street is what we want...some shiny thing, or something that we think is going to make us happy...and so, we blind ourselves to any consequences, and become obsessed with getting the shiny thing...no matter what the dangers...we are invincible...or so we delusionally think...and over and over again we risk everything to get the shiny thing that we delusionally think will make everything alright...

trunuf...i had physical injuries that needed to be addressed...but looking back, i never took the advice of my doctors and physical therapist...oh i pretended to for a time...to get the shiny thing...which in my case, at that time, was the narcotics....give me, give me, give me, and give me some more...ONE WAS ALWAYS TO MANY; A THOUSAND WAS NEVER ENOUGH...and so, my injuries never healed...and then when i took the pills, well they made me feel normal, and i thought i could do anything, talk about a clean house...LOL...i was superwoman, or so i thought, and so, not only did i not do what was necessary to heal what injuries i had, i compounded the problem by adding stress to the injuries and in fact made them worse! i needed more shiny things...LOL

now this is a physical problem i am speaking of, that becomes also an emotional and mental problem...but you can take any problem and follow it to this end...

when i met jo online several years ago...i was convinced that he was my prince charming...he was going to save me from myself, and if i could just move away from here, go be with him, everything was going to be alright...he was my shiny thing...(pills and alcohol and yes, illegal drugs had stopped working)...i refused to see the warning signs, and looking back, there were many...but i ignored them...i was convinced that he was my soul-mate, my one true love...and i proceeded to go out into the middle of the FREEWAY and play in traffic...i was running away from myself...escaping my own reality any way that i could...and i had to eventually take responsibility for that and stop blaming the cars on the freeway...afterall, the cars are just doing what they are suppose to be doing right?

we can take the metaphor a little further...it doesn't mean i can never cross the street...it just means that i must learn how to cross the street...where to cross the street...to look both ways before crossing...etc...I HAD TO LEARN HOW TO MAKE HEALTHY DECISIONS...IN ALL ASPECTS OF MY LIFE...(i am still learning)...

WHEN WE KNOW BETTER...WE CAN DO BETTER...ALL IT TAKES IS THE WILLINGNESS TO BE HONEST AND THE COURAGE TO DO SOMETHING DIFFERENT...

of course, the first one was to stop using...then to get honest with myself, and clean house...taking all my garbage out and disposing of it properly...and looking at what could and could not be recycled...that is basically what we are doing with this fourth step...taking inventory of ourselves...but when we begin to really see how everything we have done has led us to here...then we begin to actually be able to make healthy choices intuitively...by doing what is in front of us to do...with my higher power within, which i choose to call awareness, and my self-will out of the way, i do what the universe unfolds and puts in front of me to do...right now, it is lots and lots of stretching...LOL...i have ignored my physical health for so long, that now it is requiring a lot of attention...but that is ok...it is what it is...and i am already reaping benefits...i am breathing much better...and that is way cool! and my body is moving better, and it feels good...even breathing and moving through the pain feels good...cause i am moving and breathing THROUGH it...

anyways, the program of recovery is not about blame...blaming others or blaming ourselves...it is about taking responsibility and moving forward...whether or not i caused everything to go wrong in my life or not is not the point...whether or not there were cars out there that hit me on purpose or not is not the point...to use the metaphor again...the point is that today, i know better than to go and play in traffic...now that does not mean that a car might now jump the curb and hit me...LIFE HAPPENS...WE CANNOT CONTROL THAT...but when life does happen, if we are thinking realistically and logically, we have a great chance of making healthy decisions that do affect the outcome...for the better...

what am i saying? IF I AM NOT THE PROBLEM, THERE IS NO SOLUTION...

all these resentments you have written down and are looking at...are to bring you to the point of where you can look at them and honestly see that no matter what any one else seemingly did or did not do to you...to move forward...you must take responsibility for your feelings, your thoughts, your beliefs, and your actions...you must continue to look honestly at them...accept what you cannot change...and be willing to have the courage to change what you can...sometimes, it is just acquiring a new pair of glasses...iow...changing our thinking, letting go of our old ideas, opening up to new perspectives...lol...but it also always, always, requires action and more action...and sometimes that action is...EASY DOES IT!

look at your part in these resentments...how was it that you actually allowed things to happen that happened? ask yourself why you allowed it...look at why you were in that particular situation in the first place...MOST OF THE TIME, WE WALK RIGHT INTO OUR LIVES...AND WE CAN WALK RIGHT OUT...AND CHOOSE TO WALK ANOTHER WAY...but sometimes we are just there...and life happens...AND WE MUST WALK THROUGH LIFE AS IT HAPPENS...SOMETIMES WE HAVE TO FACE TROUBLES HEAD ON...BUT MOST TIMES...WHEN TROUBLE COMES ALONG...WE GET THE HELL OUT OF THE WAY AND LET IT PASS! LOL

every choice we make brings consequences...including the choices we don't make...the friends we chose, choosing to go eat dinner with our mom, what we chose to eat might make us sick that day, being around our mom might make us nutty lol...we have to begin paying attention to the universe as it unfolds...especially our bodies...b/c, we have neglected them for so long, they need our attention...and there is much that is available for us today...many times it just means...PHYSICIAN...HEAL THYSELF...to do that, we go within and tap into that power that is greater than our own self-will-run-riot...and do what is in front of us to do...i gotta go do some more stretches and breathing right now...lol...be filled with your own inner joy...always, star...

starlightjustfortoday....

Wednesday, October 15, 2008

trapped by habitual unhealthy ideas...

i spent most of my life blaming my mother for everything that was wrong in my life...if she had done this, or not done that...then i would have been just fine...

it wasn't until i became familiar with the program of recovery, that i began to see, that i was responsible for my own feelings and beliefs and actions, regardless of how i had been raised, or what my mom did or did not do...i was an adult now...and i needed to grow up...

when i looked into my life deeper with honesty, i began to realize how sick my mom had been as well...and what she had gone through growing up, made me realize too, that she had really done the best she could, and for the most part had tried very hard to raise me with a good moral system, so that i could grow up and be responsible...but b/c she had such a difficult life herself, she also tried to shelter me from the reality of the world...b/c she loved me and did not want my life to be as difficult as her own had been...

in the time my mother was raising me, guilt and control was the food of the day...religion was used to make people conform to society...and my mom's search for spiritual truths, soon became my own...my mom also, being the perfectionist that she is, expected perfection from me, and so i adopted this philosophy of thinking that i actually could be perfect...and i tortured myself with guilt all my life...and then there was the guilt i had of not ever living up to that perfection...

and so, it is not surprising that all my life i felt as if i was performing...and i never knew who i was, b/c i was always trying to be someone else...mix that with all the accidents i had, and sexual abuse, emotional abuse...and you have the makings of an alcoholic/addict...

when i was not escaping through spiritual realms, i found solace in my drink and drugs...i never learned to accept reality...never knew how to live life on life's terms...and so, i was self-will-run-riot...the rebel that i was...and ended up having to bash my head into the same brick wall over and over...until life unfolded and i was stopped dead in my tracks...

it was the best thing that could have happened...i finally had to look at me...and continue to have to do so every single day...

i love recovery...i love my life now...i love being free in this moment and able to look myself in the mirror...and know that i am responsible for me...this program of recovery has helped me to allow other's to be what and who they are...when i apply these principles in all of my affairs, i am filled with serenity...it is only when i get in the way that i have problems...but recovery is a journey...when i see other's through these new glasses...i see that each of us is on our own path...and i am humbled by life and this amazing power of the universe that lives within us all...

and so, i accept that shit happens, and i also accept that yes i made unhealthy decisions...but i also have to accept that everything that happened, brought me to today...and i like today...i love being sober and being responsible...i love this awareness and this awesomeness of life...and i can promise that you will too...

keep doing your work...look at your part...you will begin to see where every decision you made weaved your life...and although you might have been doing the best you could...you will begin to see where today, you can do better...much love and joy...*

starlightjustfortoday...

Tuesday, October 14, 2008

unpacking pain and the fourth step further...

whether it is emotional or physical pain...pain is what we must look at before we can go beyond it...when we allow someone or something to control us...we are not taking responsibility for ourselves...

while we still have someone or something to blame for our feelings, beliefs, and actions...we are not being honest with ourselves...growing up is taking responsibility for our own feelings, beliefs, and actions...

most of our misery is manufactured...meaning, we allow other's to hurt us...then we get angry and strike back...or we get depressed and withdraw...and this unhealthy cycle of reacting to circumstances becomes habitual...and until we realize this, we are enslaved by the very process that we have come to know as our life...

when we begin to honestly look at our own actions...we begin to see that we did many things that were unhealthy...we can always look around and find other's that are better or worse...but that is just a matter of perception and judgment...in reality...we are all doing the best we can...until we know to do better...those that do not get better, do not have the ability to get honest with themselves...but for the grace of god...there i go...another way of looking at that, is but for this awareness...there i go...

looking at the actions of other's in our life that seemingly did harm to us, opens up our understanding of why people act the way they do...looking at ourselves and our own actions, as they relate to harming others...enables us to understand that we are no different than others...except, we have found a way out of the trap...

when we are able to look at others with compassion, then we can look at ourselves with that same compassion...and realize that everything that happened brought us to today...and in today...we can have freedom through this realization...

and so, sure, life happens, people get hurt...but mostly, we hurt ourselves, and allow other's to hurt us...until we learn how to do otherwise...

the fourth step is part of this process...we learn to take responsibility for our lives today...and we learn through forgiving other's of their ignorance and illnesses, we are also able to forgive ourselves...we also learn that many of our problems were of our own making...and so, we learn to grow the fuck up...and live life on it's own terms...

does this mean we do not feel what we feel? no...we always feel what we feel...that is the only way to heal...but we must begin asking ourselves why we feel what we feel, and what can we do about it...b/c feelings can trap us...and we are stepping through the door of honesty to be free...and so, honestly looking at how we feel and feeling it...we are able to transcend it...and see it for what it is...

most of our resentments if not all, are based in fear...we fear we are not going to get something we want, or we fear we will lose something that we have...when we really begin to look at all these fears in their various forms...and again, get honest...we begin realizing just how much power we don't have...it always comes back to our self-will-run-riot, and our lack of power...and finding a power that is greater than ourselves...

through this process...we begin to intuitively know how to handle situations which use to baffle us...in other words...god is doing for us what we cannot do for ourselves...but one reminder...god will not do for us what we can do for ourselves...and so...we cease fighting...everything...and we accept what is...and we continue to do what is in front of us to do...when we become aware of a more healthy way...we ask for courage to take that way...when we are able to do so...we do...but also remember here...conditioning is habitual...and it is a process to do things differently...and so...we accept this too...

stay in the moment...stay out of your head...and in the solution...

if i am not the problem, there is no solution...when i am disturbed...there is something i am not accepting...and until i become willing to accept all just as it is...i am in fact separating myself from the spirit of life, and the peace and serenity that acceptance brings...but if i am not accepting something...then this is my clue to look beneath the surface...there is something i need to look at honestly within my own being, before i can then move into acceptance...

continue with your fourth step work...eventually the process will become apparent without you having to write it down and look at in in black and white...this may very well already be taking place within your awareness...but continue writing it down for now...

much love and joy...

starlightjustfortoday...

physical pain...

the truth is, physical pain is a reality...the truth is, i spent years ignoring this, and trying to escape it any way i could...the truth is, until i face it, i will not be able to accept what i cannot change, and change what i can...

looking deeper, i realize that the reason for my anger, was the fact that my financial security was and is still threatened...since one of my injuries was an on-the-job-injury, i have felt that i should have been compensated for that...i should be on easy street...they should be responsible for taking care of my medical needs and my living needs, for the rest of my life...while that may or may not be the case, this has been the way i have seen it...and in a sense, when i continue to blame others, i deny myself from taking responsibility for my own life...and i prevent myself from taking advantage of the many options open to me...for change...

in reality, i was actually not in any shape to have worked the job that i was injured on in the first place...but at the time, i was not aware of this, and was just doing the best that i could do...in truth, i was not using drugs or alcohol, but i was bat-fuck crazy! LOL...i was using religion and spirituality to escape into at the time...and i was very emotionally and mentally ill...

looking back upon it now, sure, there was a lack of responsibility in play several of the times that i was injured...that was not mine...and that needs to be looked at honesty too...however; the main focus of the fourth step is in looking solely at our part...what part did we play...and what can we do about that now...

sometimes the only part we play is the victim...as in the case when i was 5 or 6 and fell 15 or so feet out of a tree landing on my back...the most honest thing i can say about that is that sometimes...SHIT HAPPENS...lol...i went through a period where i blamed god...then i tried to blame that little girl for climbing the tree in the first place...but both of those ideas seem quiet ridiculous to me now...and the truth is, it happened...nothing i can do about that...but there is plenty i can do about now...

then there was the time when as a young teen i was in the deep end of the pool and a couple of very large dudes were rough housing and one pushed the other on top of my head, rupturing my jaw discs, and doing untold damage to my neck and back...adding to the damage that had already been done in the previous fall...there were plenty of people to be mad at i suppose when that happened...because my parents had no insurance, i did not even go to the hospital when it happened...and b/c of the way my mom believed at the time, she did not hold anyone legally responsible...but there again...SHIT HAPPENS...lol...so the only purpose for going back, is to see that...but it always brings me back to right here right now...what can i really do about it NOW...holding on to woulda, shoulda, coulda's...is living in the past where we cannot change a thing...letting go of those, and living in the now...is being awake to what we can do differently to make things better...NOW...

now the next fall, was the one taken on-the-job...i spent a lot of years trying to get my workman's comp back, after my job tricked me into resigning...to no avail...as that injury kinda was the straw that broke the camels back...but i had to admit eventually...there were other factors involved, especially my previous injuries...not that they were not liable...to some extent...but hey...i have no control over that...and i have come to realize that the most responsible and healthy...and wise thing i can do today, for me...is to focus on the actual healing of my body...b/c although there are many things i am powerless over, and have to accept...there are many things that i can do something about...and that is where i am choosing to focus my attention to...today...thus the commitment to my daily exercises and such...the past is forever the past...cannot change it...can only take action today...the more energy i waste on trying to figure out the past...and make it make sense...the less energy i have to put into changing what i can change today...to make my life better in the here and now...and this is what the fourth step is all about...and if we do it to the best of our ability...we can finally move on...the past then becomes a tool kit...of experiences that we can share with others...in hopes of helping them...

so, what i just did with those resentments, that is what you have to do with all of yours...the big book tells you exactly how to do this...you list the person, place, or thing, you write down why you resent them, then you write down whether it affects your self-esteem, pocketbook, ambition, personal relationships(including sexual ones)...many of the resentments have to do with more than one aspect...as in my case, my physical injuries affected every aspect of my life...

what i have realized however, is that the very pain i am feeling...is in and of itself, waking my awareness up to the many things i can do to change it...that is what is so awesome about this...when we continue to be honest...and feel what we feel...we have the potential to feel to heal...as long as we keep it real...and take action that is available for us to take...in my case, it is to continue to pay attention to my body...and do the necessary exercises that will strengthen it...is it painful?...HELL YEAH...but healing always is...and it is in this very healing...that the promises are experienced...

much love and joy...*

starlightjustfortoday...

Monday, October 13, 2008

resentments...

resentments are out number one offender...it's kinda like this...normal drinkers can have one or two...but we can't have any...LOL...

our minds are obsessive places, so when we have even a small resentment, our minds will obsess over it until it is bigger...and then it overwhelms us...and there we are again stuck in that insanity...no matter if we have taken a drink or a drug or not...remember...the problem centers in our mind...and lack of power is our dilemma...drinking and drugging WAS our solution...today we have to have another solution, cause that one stopped working...lack of power leads right back to that insane place if we do not honestly face what is in front of us to face...and leave the rest to that power that is greater than our self-will-run-riot...oh the peace and serenity that comes when we are in acceptance...how wonderful it feels when we are able to clearly ascertain what we can do...and then use that strength of courage within and change what we can...we then are able to arrive in a place of wisdom...YEAH!!!!!!!

i resent this physical pain that i am in...when i think back to all the accidents i had as a young child and young adult, it is a miracle really that i am still able to walk and do the many things that i can do...REALLY...but it doesn't make going through this pain any easier...i had to get honest and ask myself what i can do...what really can i do to change it? when i get really honest, i have to admit that i have not been taking care of my physical self...i have been ignoring it really...of course i had a lot of other stuff to look at...lol...and i have made great progress on all the emotional illness...but now awareness has directed my attention towards the actual physical parts of my body that need my definite attention...

for over a year now, i would not make a doctors appointment, b/c i felt like they had nothing to offer me...but more pills...that's b/c i think i know it all in many respects...lol...but i finally made an appointment for this thursday...just making the appointment brought up a lot of stuff that i thought i had dealt with already...surprise, surprise!

i am really pissed and resentful not only at the pain and injuries themselves, but how it was all handled...of course i have no control over any of that, and i know this, but i still have to walk through these feelings, b/c emotions are stored in the muscles of the body...and so i have to acknowledge what is going on before i can do anything about it...and there always seems to be something we can do, if we are honest and willing to have the courage...

one thing, i have not faithfully continued the stretches and exercises that i needed to continue...daily...so i am now making that a part of my daily routine, out of shear necessity now of course...LOL...it is like we alcoholics and drug addicts are so stubborn that we have to continue to beat our head into a brick wall...AND BLEED...before we finally become willing to do something different! go figure...even in sobriety...we want what we want...and we want it right now!

i am currently writing down some more resentments i have become aware of...as the result of working with you...and so we will have lots to share together come friday...lol

i had dinner with my blind friend last night...i watched him; how he has learned how to feed himself...and just his presence...always smiling, always joyful...he also has to wear hearing aids in his ears...and i thought to myself how unselfish this man is...and at that moment, i realized how selfish i was to feel sorry for myself...and how irresponsible i had been where it had concerned my physical health...it doesn't mean that my problems are not real...b/c they are very real...i have injuries that need to be addressed...but my feeling sorry for myself is not getting it done...i have to move from there and into action...always action...and more action...and so, i do what is in front of me to do...for that IS the next right thing...and i leave the results to my higher power...the god of my understanding...and i also trust that whatever is in front of me to do...however the universe unfolds...that that is exactly what is suppose to be happening...

if i take care of what i am suppose to be taking care of...right this moment...whatever that may be...even if it is in stretching through my physical pain...or breathing through the tension of it...that is where my peace and freedom and joy and happiness is...and that is where you will find yours also...in this moment of true presence...no matter what else is happening...

much love and joy...talk to you soon...

starlightjustfortoday...

Friday, October 10, 2008

walk this way...

what are we really doing when we make a decision to turn our will and our life over to a power greater than ourselves, or to the care of god as we understand god?

it means simply that we decide to walk another way other than the way we have walked...think another way than the way we have thought...live another way than the way we have lived...

we have decided, in other words, that we need some power other than this self-will-run-riot to direct our path...and that we will willingly turn our will and life over to that directing and guiding power...

so many think they have to figure out what this power is before doing this...but all we need is willingness and honesty for that door to open to happiness, joy, and freedom...

willingness automatically taps into this power...and this power is unlimited...and always within you...it is awareness itself...within all life and through all life...spirit of the universe...when you are in tune with this source...and you stay out of the way...your journey in this life is one of peace and harmony with the entire universe...

so, how do we do that? once the decision is made to do it, what then?

this next week we will begin to look at the various ways that you have blocked your own spirit off from it's connection to the spirit of life...we will be making a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves...we will be honestly looking at ourselves...

the completion of the third step is in the doing of the fourth...and so, onward we go...

continue reading over the actual fourth step directions in how it works...

the first thing that you need to begin doing is making a list of your resentments...

from as far back as you remember...write down everyone and everything that you have a resentment towards...it may be the church, your mom, your dad, the government, the judge, a friend, your dog for biting you when you were two...lol

feel the anger...this is a time when you can really be pissed off...let this anger fuel your list...be aware of how damn good it feels to be pissed off about some of these things...and write every one of them down...write down exactly what you think was done to you and why you are angry about it...no matter how irrelevant you might think it to be...put it all down on paper...

this is the first part of the fourth step, and you need to do this part before we go on to the next part of it...and there are several parts of it...lol...may as well enjoy this experience of expressing your anger...after this, self-righteous anger is impossible to justify! LOL...

missed spending the day with you...hope you are well...

starlightjustfortoday...

Wednesday, October 8, 2008

28 days...

WOW...congrats...i think you are amazing...and you are doing a wonderful job...

many say that it is grace that got us here...that but for grace, specifically god's grace, that we might still be out there using or dead or whatever...

the truth is, all humans die sooner or later...do we also blame god's grace for that?

here is my point...grace may have alot to do with it...but so does our willingness to get honest...

are we to believe that we have no control whatsoever? that we are powerless over everything? if that is true, then what is the purpose? why get sober? if it doesn't matter...and we have no control over it...then what are we doing here?

sometimes i sware it does feel like that...and yet, i KNOW that i have the ability to make healthy decisions now...and i KNOW that you are making healthy decisions now too...and i also KNOW that because of this, our lives are better...

powerlessness will always come up to challenge our conditioning at some level...and our wants and desires...but if we can remain willing and honest...and just not use...feel what we feel...accept where we are...have the courage to change what we can...and turn the rest over to the god of our own understanding...then whatever happens we will be ok...

the truth is, life on life's terms is difficult at times...but most of the things we make big deals about are ridiculous...there has been many a time when i have just laughed myself silly for being angry about something that a few minutes later i would realize how unimportant it really was...a lot of this is just growing up...really...

it's funny, but my back has been hurting me the past few days, and when that happens i usually get irritable...and i have been...the littlest things have been pissing me off...lol...but it is remarkable, i find, that this is the very thing that we have been discussing, and it is affecting me at another level...i have been having to turn everything over...my will, cause i don't want to be in pain, plus it makes standing up straight hard to do, and i don't like being irritable, and i don't like being in a pissy mood...LOL...but, i too have had to just feel to heal, and keep it real...this also affects my life...cause i tend to isolate when i am in pain, cause i am not pleasant to be around...lol...but hey...I AM HUMAN...and i KNOW THIS TOO SHALL PASS...and even if it doesn't, as long as i don't use...it'll be ok...

anyways...it does get easier...and the quicker i am able to realize and get honest with ME the problem...the quicker i am able to get into the solution...what a great step 3 is!

made a decision to turn our will and our life over to the care of god as we understood god...

much love and joy...

starlightjustfortoday...

Tuesday, October 7, 2008

my life...

before recovery? what life?

it consisted of getting high...how to do that...where i was going to get the money...i was always on a mission...that WAS my life...running around in the streets, hocking all my possessions, including my car...not giving a shit about my family, my kids, nothing...i was living off my mom...i had long since left my condo...lost it...lost my car...lost everything really...had long lost me...i really didn't care that i was killing myself...i was not scared to die...i was scared to live...

that was my life...

of course, my life soon changed when life intervened, and i was forced to sober up and look at my life...honestly...

luckily for me, my daughter still loved me...so my life quickly became filled with life again...my family would eventually want me around again...my son would eventually get into recovery...i would eventually go from someone who was irresponsible about everything in her life...to someone that actually had her own place, and paid her own bills...

from there it has grown to a circle of friends...and the beginnings of being grown up...i am very interested in the world today...very active in politics...and i actually care about other's who are going through this addictive process...i care about the environment, and i do what i can to do no harm to this earth or to other living creatures...

i try everyday to become more responsible by educating myself on global issues, as well as those that affect my Country and my community...i am concerned with alcohol and drug addiction and how is affects those around me...and i try to help where and when i can...

the very fact that i have a life is a miracle...but i do have one, a very good one today...and i cannot imagine ever going back to the way it was...i am happy, joyous, and free...and i love my life today...

so, what is it concerning life that i have to turn over? in the beginning, it was everything...my daughter, my son, my mom, my sister, the judge...EVERYTHING...b/c i did not know how to deal with anything...but i have had over two years now of learning how to be responsible and live life on life's terms...and so, i do pretty well in my relationships and my worldspace...

i still have days when i have to turn my physical pain over; or my frustration about the election; or my frustration over anything that i cannot control...i will never be able to control other people, places, and things...and so, i either learn how to change my thinking and my emotional reaction...or i can suffer the frustration of powerlessness...today i choose to change what i can...and accept the rest...if you can learn this...you too...will have the promises come true for you...remember, all it takes is willingness and honesty...

also remember...THIS IS AN INWARD JOURNEY...the work has been on me...my unhealthy patterns...my emotional reactions...my manipulative behaviors...all the garbage had to be taken out...this was and is still done through taking these steps and honestly looking at me...most of it is just growing up...becoming a responsible member of my family, my community, society...it is a process...a journey of recovery...a moment by moment experiencing of learning how to live life on life's terms...remaining honest and willing to do what i am able to do...

what you cannot handle, you turn over for now...believe you me, that if it is something that you need to learn to handle...it will keep coming back around until you learn how...LOL

have a wonder-filled day...remember to breathe...open up...allow the spirit of the universe...that deeper reality within...to take over YOU...

starlightjustfortoday...

Monday, October 6, 2008

made a decision...

i can remember early on in my sobriety having to make this decision over and over again...sometimes several times in one day...sometimes seemingly all day long...

it takes time for the head to clear from the abuse of drugs and alcohol, and so the repetitive nature of hitting our knees every morning and going through this ritual becomes necessary to reprogram our old ways of thinking, into open opportunities of the moment...moments of change...for the better...

it also takes time for old behavioral patterns to change...and so, out of necessity, for survival, and that ever-pending first drink or drug...we do these things to change our very habits...

until our head is clear enough, we cannot think about doing the necessary work ahead...and so, we turn over what we cannot do...

what does it really mean to make this decision? for me, it meant that i did not want to continue to live the way i had been living...also, those 9th step promises were ingrained in my consciousness...i wanted to be happy, joyous, and free...and that meant, learning how to live in the present...which is really difficult at first, because we are so use to living in our heads, and in all the drama we create...

when we talk about our will, we are actually talking about what we want...we want what we want and we want it right now! most of my life i did exactly that, no matter who it hurt...and it mostly hurt me...and when i could not get what i wanted...i drank and drugged to escape that fact...what is so ironic, is that i still do what i want...it is just that my wants have changed...lol

when my will is aligned in harmony with the spirit of the universe, everything runs smoothly...i can still get in trouble when i decide to take my egoic will back and run with it...it becomes a power struggle that i cannot win...no matter how hard i try, i cannot control the world around me to suit my selfish desires...when i relinquish that control, and decide to 'go with the flow', 'live and let live', 'cease fighting everything'...that is where peace happens...if i get knocked out of that peace, it is because what i want has taken back over...this does not mean that we do not take responsibility for ourselves, and allow other's to do the same...but most of us have to learn how to do this...i did not know the first thing about being responsible for me...i allowed other's to manipulate me, and i in turn manipulated other's...and so, this is a process...one that reveals itself through living experiences...living life on life's terms...we learn how to be responsible for our own selves, and we learn how to allow other's to do the same...

so my will is my ego...which has been out of control...this is not to say that there are not healthy aspects of ego...there are...but mostly what we have dealt with is self-will-run-riot...an exaggerated version of a spoiled rotten child, out of control, throwing temper tantrums in public...and we cannot expect this child to all of a sudden grow up and act right...it took years for us to get in this shape, and it will not be easy to unlearn these old ways of thinking, and the unhealthy habits we have grown accustomed to...it is also pretty painful...however; it is doable, as long as we remain honest with ourselves...and the rewards are wonder-filled...

so, moment by moment, we do what we can to change our old patterns of behavior and old ways of thinking...that very self-will-run-riot...and turn what we absolutely cannot handle...over to the god of our understanding...you know what you can handle and what you cannot...willingness and honesty is all it takes...

tomorrow i will focus on what it means to turn our life over...because our will is different from our life...and that is why both are in this step...lol


stay in the moment...out of your head...out of yesterday...out of tomorrow...and in recovery...

starlightjustfortoday...

Sunday, October 5, 2008

REFLECTION...

i have been in deep reflection over the past few days...dealing with some areas in my life where i am powerless...and trying to figure out just what i am turning over and to whom i am turning it over to...LOL...
it mostly involves interaction with others, and relationships...but when it causes me any discomfort...i have to look within for my answers today...it has also had to do with some physical issues...and i am being honest with my options...and what i can and cannot actually do about it...
some of the things that i may want to turn over...the spirit of the Universe does not want!
i am reminded that what i can do for myself...i must find the courage within to do...and that which i absolutely cannot do...that is what i must turn over...
sometimes it is difficult to intuit these things...and that is where the living experience of the moment reveals it's wisdom...wisdom is birthed by doing what is in front of you to do, as honestly as you can...then later, reflecting on it, by looking within your own awareness...with rigorous honesty...
when i continue to be honest with myself...i continue to break through conditioned awareness and disruptive behavioral patterns that no longer serve me...
if i continue to look at conflict as an opportunity for growth within my own awareness...eventually i will remain at peace, even in the midst of conflict...
one important thing to remember however, is that with each conflict, there seems to be necessary, a time of quiet reflection for consciousness to absorb what has just taken place.
to integrate the wisdom of the living experience...into the clarity of awareness...
while it may seem like you are adding something to your awareness...i tend to think of it as subtracting conditioning...
recovery is a continual process of uncovering, discovering, and discarding...that which has gotten in the way of progress of our emotional and mental development...as responsible adults.
don't forget that there are innate things in consciousness that are necessary for our healthy development...in other words...not everything about us is to be discarded...just our old ideas that do not work...our abilities that serve us well should be recognized...there is healthy anger and unhealthy anger...healthy love and unhealthy love...for example...
our job now is to look at how we react to each situation honestly, and determine what is healthy and what is not, realistically...and discard that which is not healthy for that which is...
the god of any ones understanding, whatever that is...does not want our anger...does not want our depression...those are the things that we will continue to have to look at and work out in our moment to moment life experiencing...especially our fears, because that is at the root of most of all our living problems...it is at the root of our unhealthy anger and depression...and all of our reactions...it has protected us until we become ready to look at the reasons for it...
it is called growing up and living life on life's terms...accepting what we cannot change,and being willing to change what we can...
remember...your assignment this week is to analyze the third step...
made a decision...(what does that mean?)
to turn our will...(what is the will? how do we turn that over?)
and our life...(what is our life? how do we turn that over?)
over to the care of god as we understood god...(how do we understand god in relation to the rest of the step? what can we turn over? what can we not turn over? how do we turn that which we can turn over? how do we deal with the rest?)
my dear sweet one...i am so proud of you...friday was awesome...you are helping me understand myself at a whole other level...and working and taking...incorporating these steps into our very lives...with you... is opening us both up to new levels of awareness...thank you so much for being a part of my life and my recovery...
starlightjustfortoday...

Friday, October 3, 2008

whuzzzzzzzzzzup?

it is 5am...can't sleep...but it's ok...i know that you will be knocking at my door soon...and i am looking forward to spending the day with you...just left Cafe Co Co's for the second time...LOL..a good friend of mine and i went for a early am coffee and bite to eat...and i had been there hours earlier singing and eating with several other recovery friends...lol...i love my life!

i woke up thursday morning in a lot of pain...you know my history...and with the weather getting colder, i was really feeling it...i have not been doing the things that i need to do to physically prevent a lot of the pain...and so, this was a reminder of that...but the great thing about it all...was i was ok with being in pain...ok with crying some about it...ok with being powerless over it...and ok with being pissed off about some things that i was pissed off about...and am still to a great degree...which, HaHa...you may just have to listen to me feel to heal and keep it real today...LOL

you know what else was great? i was not in that insanity...a couple of times i could of been...but i was honest with HOW I WAS FEELING...AND I ALLOWED MYSELF JUST TO BE IN PAIN...AND TO BE PISSED OFF...AND I VOICED IT...AND IT IS OK TODAY, THAT I AM NOT PERFECT...IT IS OK TO BE PISSED OFF TODAY...AS LONG AS I AM HONEST WITH ME...

what is not ok...is to be pissed off and stuff it, or pretend i am not pissed off...or to blame it on someone else...see, today, i know that if i am disturbed it is b/c i am not satisfied with some person, place, or thing...the way it is...now that does not mean that i am not going to still be pissed off...it just means that today, i know why...

insanity would be for me to try and change what i cannot change...or try and control what i cannot control...or try and fix what i cannot fix...i am powerless over people, places, and things...and it's wonderful to KNOW that...

and since i also KNOW that there is a power greater than my ego...and that this power is within me...then i can just turn whatever it is...over...now that does not mean that what i feel will go away automatically...like the physical pain, or the being pissed off, it just means that i accept that i am in pain and i am pissed off...and that i am powerless over being powerless...

when i become willing...willing...willing...to feel to heal...and keep it real...staying honest with me...and believing in that power within...then...and only then...am i restored to sanity...

Came to believe that a power greater than myself could restore me to sanity...

today i believe that when i get out of my own way...that power within is tapped into...and no matter what is going on with me...as long as i am honest with what i think and feel...i will be ok...

much love to you dear one...see you in a few hours...

starlightjustfortoday...

Wednesday, October 1, 2008

spirit of the universe...

spirit of the universe...
reality within...
there is no place to pinpoint...
where god begins or ends...
our very life, our very breath...
is spiritual divine...
god is energy in motion...
the all of space and time...
i watched the magical sunset...
such brilliant light i saw...
today as i sat under a tree...
and felt the breeze in awe...
spirit of the universe...
and all that you reveal...
i bow to this great power...
that makes up all that's real...
everything reflected...
from the smallest blade of grass...
is filled with this god energy...
and made from consciousness...
from the time before the big bang...
when all of this began...
till time eternal and beyond...
evolving journey of man...
this higher power that you seek...
has always been in you...
tap into this awareness...
recreate your life...anew...
StarLight Dancing...

starlightjustfortoday...

Tuesday, September 30, 2008

staying sober one more day...

hope you are having a wonder-filled morning...instead of entering anything new, i am going to post some links of some of my older blogs for you to read...have fun! most of them are real short...no worries...stay in the moment...

Beauty and Beyond...

little things...

reality...

there is a solution...

a higher power...

where is god?

remember when you read this next one...that today my son has over 7 months clean...and is really doing wonderfully...

my son and his friends...

Monday, September 29, 2008

insanity...self-made?

i don't really know if i was always crazy...i tend to think that i did not learn healthy ways of living life on life's terms when i was growing up...and b/c i was as a young child introduced to paragoric, i did not develope psychologically along normal pathways...

as we know, emotional growth is stopped when drugs are introduced...and so, i was at a disadvantage b/c of the early often use of paragoric...then i had a tramatic accident when i was a young teen, where both jaw discs were ruptured...and i was introduced to many other drugs...

wasn't long after that...i found alcohol...and illegal drugs...

i am not really sure if i can blame it entirely on the physical pain...as i tend to believe that i already had the genetic disposition, and biological presets to become addicted to chemical substances...but, we will never know the answer to that one i suppose, and it does not really matter...

i spent most my life in and out of the insanity of using drugs and alcohol...but i don't think i would have survived without them...

THEY WERE MY SOLUTION TO MY INABILITY TO LIVE LIFE ON IT'S OWN TERMS...

NOW, I HAVE ANOTHER SOLUTION...

THIS PROGRAM OF RECOVERY...

12 STEPS INTO FREEDOM...AND A LIFE THAT IS WONDER-FILLED...

for years i had no clue that my behavior was insane...i mean looking back now it is obvious...i can see it cearly now...but while i was in the middle of the insanity...i was trapped...

becoming willing to honestly look within...was the beginning of a new life that i would not trade today for any drug or drink on earth...in fact...i have found what i was always looking for in the drink and drug...peace...serenity...joy...

today i no longer have that insanity in my life...my life is filled with peace and joy...yours will be too if you continue on this journey...you will know a new freedom and a new happiness...you will not regret the past or wish to slam the door on it...

admitting that my behavior while using was insanity...help to free me from it...

coming to believe was not hard to do either...once i became willing...and realized that i had no other choice if i was going to have a chance at life...i had to believe in a power greater than myself...and as i was able to tap into that power...i intuitively knew how to handle situations that use to baffle me...still...

continue reading what you have been reading, and add A Vision For You...

you need to be journaling...about your insanity or coming to believe, or both...

have you written down your conception of god yet? you need to do that too...

STAY OUT OF DRAMA...STAY OUT OF YOUR HEAD...STAY IN THE MOMENT...

STAY IN RECOVERY...IN THE SOLUTION...

STAY FOCUSED ON YOU...REMEMBER...YOU HAVE A CHOICE TODAY...

YOU ARE RESPONSIBLE FOR YOUR BELIEFS, FEELINGS, AND ACTIONS...

FEEL TO HEAL...KEEP IT REAL...

i love you...call me...

read this link

starlightjustfortoday...

Sunday, September 28, 2008

came to believe...

i began this process somewhere in the early 90's...i often say that i found god in an AA meeting...but what i actually found was my own understanding of god...at that time, that began working at some level for me...

since that time, my understanding of god has been all over the place...but one thing i am certain of, god is not religious...people are...and my higher power today is no where near my idea of god when i first came into this program of recovery...

the god i grew up with was a god of guilt and control...one that gave you free will, then punished you for using it...all my old ideas concerning god have drastically change...and for good reason...the god i use to have was never able to keep me sober...but what has also changed, is the fact that today, i take full responsibility for my beliefs, my feelings, my actions and behavior...

once we actually begin taking these steps into ourselves...and honestly looking at ourselves...a power opens up within us that we can then tap into...this is the power that the Big Book speaks of...when i get out of my own way...then whatever it is that is...is able to work through my very being...and i get better...and my life gets better...

coming to believe is a process that we will continue to look at this week...

we will also be looking at the real facts about our own insanity...

one thing i want you to begin thinking about...when you became willing this time to do things differently, you were in fact tapping into that power...you might be unaware of it...but willingness is a necessary ingredient that comes from within your own awareness...

if things seem different this time around from the last time...this is why...

i am very proud of your willingness to honestly look within yourself...it takes great courage to do this...

much love and joy...

remember, you gotta tap on the links below to link up! LOL...

for your reading pleasure...

this link too...

starlightjustfortoday...

Friday, September 26, 2008

so...
the past two weeks we have been dealing successfully, with understanding the powerlessness that addiction leaves us with, and the unmanageable ways that this very powerlessness manifests itself...

through recovery, i have come to understand that i have an allergy to any mind alternating addictive chemicals in any form...solid or fluid...

this allergy is not only in my mind, but also in my body...when i put alcohol or drugs into my system, my mind and body craves them...no matter how destructive my drinking and drugging becomes to my person...i cannot stop...

the unmanageability is not just with material or financial aspects...i am unable to manage and control my very behavior...even after i stop using...

i had to admit, that drugs and alcohol were my solution...

and my solution was not only killing me, but landing me in hospitals and jails...

the problem was my inability to live life on life's terms...

so the problem then became...what do i do to avoid that first drink since once i start i cannot stop successfully and life as i know it goes to shit?

LACK OF POWER IS MY DILEMMA...

i had to find a power greater than myself...which i take to mean...greater than my own ego, or self-will run riot...

i had to choose another conception of god, because the god of my religion did not work...all my old ideas...DID NOT WORK...

i had to be willing to let go of all my old ideas concerning a god that is outside of myself...because, when the Big Book speaks of our own concept of god...it is speaking of those first 100 that recovered from a seemingly hopeless state of body and mind...

we will be looking closely at Bill W.'s experience of god consciousness...also, what is referred to as the spirit of the universe...and the great reality within...

if the power that i need to stay sober is within me...within my own awareness...or spirit or soul or whatever...then it is obvious that i was not able to recognize that power or tap into it because i...my ego/self-will kept getting in the way...

we will be looking at all of this...and dive deeper into the truths of our own being...while we investigate how it is that we can come to believe...

i am so very proud of you and the honest inner work that you are doing...

may you be filled with your own inner joy...

starlightjustfortoday...