physical pain...

the truth is, physical pain is a reality...the truth is, i spent years ignoring this, and trying to escape it any way i could...the truth is, until i face it, i will not be able to accept what i cannot change, and change what i can...

looking deeper, i realize that the reason for my anger, was the fact that my financial security was and is still threatened...since one of my injuries was an on-the-job-injury, i have felt that i should have been compensated for that...i should be on easy street...they should be responsible for taking care of my medical needs and my living needs, for the rest of my life...while that may or may not be the case, this has been the way i have seen it...and in a sense, when i continue to blame others, i deny myself from taking responsibility for my own life...and i prevent myself from taking advantage of the many options open to me...for change...

in reality, i was actually not in any shape to have worked the job that i was injured on in the first place...but at the time, i was not aware of this, and was just doing the best that i could do...in truth, i was not using drugs or alcohol, but i was bat-fuck crazy! LOL...i was using religion and spirituality to escape into at the time...and i was very emotionally and mentally ill...

looking back upon it now, sure, there was a lack of responsibility in play several of the times that i was injured...that was not mine...and that needs to be looked at honesty too...however; the main focus of the fourth step is in looking solely at our part...what part did we play...and what can we do about that now...

sometimes the only part we play is the victim...as in the case when i was 5 or 6 and fell 15 or so feet out of a tree landing on my back...the most honest thing i can say about that is that sometimes...SHIT HAPPENS...lol...i went through a period where i blamed god...then i tried to blame that little girl for climbing the tree in the first place...but both of those ideas seem quiet ridiculous to me now...and the truth is, it happened...nothing i can do about that...but there is plenty i can do about now...

then there was the time when as a young teen i was in the deep end of the pool and a couple of very large dudes were rough housing and one pushed the other on top of my head, rupturing my jaw discs, and doing untold damage to my neck and back...adding to the damage that had already been done in the previous fall...there were plenty of people to be mad at i suppose when that happened...because my parents had no insurance, i did not even go to the hospital when it happened...and b/c of the way my mom believed at the time, she did not hold anyone legally responsible...but there again...SHIT HAPPENS...lol...so the only purpose for going back, is to see that...but it always brings me back to right here right now...what can i really do about it NOW...holding on to woulda, shoulda, coulda's...is living in the past where we cannot change a thing...letting go of those, and living in the now...is being awake to what we can do differently to make things better...NOW...

now the next fall, was the one taken on-the-job...i spent a lot of years trying to get my workman's comp back, after my job tricked me into resigning...to no avail...as that injury kinda was the straw that broke the camels back...but i had to admit eventually...there were other factors involved, especially my previous injuries...not that they were not liable...to some extent...but hey...i have no control over that...and i have come to realize that the most responsible and healthy...and wise thing i can do today, for me...is to focus on the actual healing of my body...b/c although there are many things i am powerless over, and have to accept...there are many things that i can do something about...and that is where i am choosing to focus my attention to...today...thus the commitment to my daily exercises and such...the past is forever the past...cannot change it...can only take action today...the more energy i waste on trying to figure out the past...and make it make sense...the less energy i have to put into changing what i can change today...to make my life better in the here and now...and this is what the fourth step is all about...and if we do it to the best of our ability...we can finally move on...the past then becomes a tool kit...of experiences that we can share with others...in hopes of helping them...

so, what i just did with those resentments, that is what you have to do with all of yours...the big book tells you exactly how to do this...you list the person, place, or thing, you write down why you resent them, then you write down whether it affects your self-esteem, pocketbook, ambition, personal relationships(including sexual ones)...many of the resentments have to do with more than one aspect...as in my case, my physical injuries affected every aspect of my life...

what i have realized however, is that the very pain i am feeling...is in and of itself, waking my awareness up to the many things i can do to change it...that is what is so awesome about this...when we continue to be honest...and feel what we feel...we have the potential to feel to heal...as long as we keep it real...and take action that is available for us to take...in my case, it is to continue to pay attention to my body...and do the necessary exercises that will strengthen it...is it painful?...HELL YEAH...but healing always is...and it is in this very healing...that the promises are experienced...

much love and joy...*

starlightjustfortoday...