resentments...

resentments are out number one offender...it's kinda like this...normal drinkers can have one or two...but we can't have any...LOL...

our minds are obsessive places, so when we have even a small resentment, our minds will obsess over it until it is bigger...and then it overwhelms us...and there we are again stuck in that insanity...no matter if we have taken a drink or a drug or not...remember...the problem centers in our mind...and lack of power is our dilemma...drinking and drugging WAS our solution...today we have to have another solution, cause that one stopped working...lack of power leads right back to that insane place if we do not honestly face what is in front of us to face...and leave the rest to that power that is greater than our self-will-run-riot...oh the peace and serenity that comes when we are in acceptance...how wonderful it feels when we are able to clearly ascertain what we can do...and then use that strength of courage within and change what we can...we then are able to arrive in a place of wisdom...YEAH!!!!!!!

i resent this physical pain that i am in...when i think back to all the accidents i had as a young child and young adult, it is a miracle really that i am still able to walk and do the many things that i can do...REALLY...but it doesn't make going through this pain any easier...i had to get honest and ask myself what i can do...what really can i do to change it? when i get really honest, i have to admit that i have not been taking care of my physical self...i have been ignoring it really...of course i had a lot of other stuff to look at...lol...and i have made great progress on all the emotional illness...but now awareness has directed my attention towards the actual physical parts of my body that need my definite attention...

for over a year now, i would not make a doctors appointment, b/c i felt like they had nothing to offer me...but more pills...that's b/c i think i know it all in many respects...lol...but i finally made an appointment for this thursday...just making the appointment brought up a lot of stuff that i thought i had dealt with already...surprise, surprise!

i am really pissed and resentful not only at the pain and injuries themselves, but how it was all handled...of course i have no control over any of that, and i know this, but i still have to walk through these feelings, b/c emotions are stored in the muscles of the body...and so i have to acknowledge what is going on before i can do anything about it...and there always seems to be something we can do, if we are honest and willing to have the courage...

one thing, i have not faithfully continued the stretches and exercises that i needed to continue...daily...so i am now making that a part of my daily routine, out of shear necessity now of course...LOL...it is like we alcoholics and drug addicts are so stubborn that we have to continue to beat our head into a brick wall...AND BLEED...before we finally become willing to do something different! go figure...even in sobriety...we want what we want...and we want it right now!

i am currently writing down some more resentments i have become aware of...as the result of working with you...and so we will have lots to share together come friday...lol

i had dinner with my blind friend last night...i watched him; how he has learned how to feed himself...and just his presence...always smiling, always joyful...he also has to wear hearing aids in his ears...and i thought to myself how unselfish this man is...and at that moment, i realized how selfish i was to feel sorry for myself...and how irresponsible i had been where it had concerned my physical health...it doesn't mean that my problems are not real...b/c they are very real...i have injuries that need to be addressed...but my feeling sorry for myself is not getting it done...i have to move from there and into action...always action...and more action...and so, i do what is in front of me to do...for that IS the next right thing...and i leave the results to my higher power...the god of my understanding...and i also trust that whatever is in front of me to do...however the universe unfolds...that that is exactly what is suppose to be happening...

if i take care of what i am suppose to be taking care of...right this moment...whatever that may be...even if it is in stretching through my physical pain...or breathing through the tension of it...that is where my peace and freedom and joy and happiness is...and that is where you will find yours also...in this moment of true presence...no matter what else is happening...

much love and joy...talk to you soon...

starlightjustfortoday...