whuzzzzzzzzzzup?

it is 5am...can't sleep...but it's ok...i know that you will be knocking at my door soon...and i am looking forward to spending the day with you...just left Cafe Co Co's for the second time...LOL..a good friend of mine and i went for a early am coffee and bite to eat...and i had been there hours earlier singing and eating with several other recovery friends...lol...i love my life!

i woke up thursday morning in a lot of pain...you know my history...and with the weather getting colder, i was really feeling it...i have not been doing the things that i need to do to physically prevent a lot of the pain...and so, this was a reminder of that...but the great thing about it all...was i was ok with being in pain...ok with crying some about it...ok with being powerless over it...and ok with being pissed off about some things that i was pissed off about...and am still to a great degree...which, HaHa...you may just have to listen to me feel to heal and keep it real today...LOL

you know what else was great? i was not in that insanity...a couple of times i could of been...but i was honest with HOW I WAS FEELING...AND I ALLOWED MYSELF JUST TO BE IN PAIN...AND TO BE PISSED OFF...AND I VOICED IT...AND IT IS OK TODAY, THAT I AM NOT PERFECT...IT IS OK TO BE PISSED OFF TODAY...AS LONG AS I AM HONEST WITH ME...

what is not ok...is to be pissed off and stuff it, or pretend i am not pissed off...or to blame it on someone else...see, today, i know that if i am disturbed it is b/c i am not satisfied with some person, place, or thing...the way it is...now that does not mean that i am not going to still be pissed off...it just means that today, i know why...

insanity would be for me to try and change what i cannot change...or try and control what i cannot control...or try and fix what i cannot fix...i am powerless over people, places, and things...and it's wonderful to KNOW that...

and since i also KNOW that there is a power greater than my ego...and that this power is within me...then i can just turn whatever it is...over...now that does not mean that what i feel will go away automatically...like the physical pain, or the being pissed off, it just means that i accept that i am in pain and i am pissed off...and that i am powerless over being powerless...

when i become willing...willing...willing...to feel to heal...and keep it real...staying honest with me...and believing in that power within...then...and only then...am i restored to sanity...

Came to believe that a power greater than myself could restore me to sanity...

today i believe that when i get out of my own way...that power within is tapped into...and no matter what is going on with me...as long as i am honest with what i think and feel...i will be ok...

much love to you dear one...see you in a few hours...

starlightjustfortoday...