conditioning...

just as my body and mind were conditioned to alcohol and drugs, it has also been conditioned to react in unhealthy ways to everything else. most of my life i have reacted in response to everything with my emotions. go figure! i really did not know any better. this was learned behavior. now that the chemicals are gone, i find that my body is still physically reacting to everything without my permission! haha! one more thing that i cannot control! here is an example: yesterday morning i had hit my knees and turned my will and my life over to God. i was very much at peace...then life blew a tornado in. on the outside, i remained serene; on the inside i was going crazy, and since i had done everything i was suppose to do, i could not figure out why my insides were not responding as well as my outsides. in the past i would have blown back at this tornado...yes there would have been lighting bolts and all sorts of damage and chaos would have occurred! on the inside, i was feeling so out-of-control, and no matter how many times i said the serenity prayer, physically i was thrown into a panic attack. i couldn't breath...i just wanted to jump out of the car and run in the opposite direction! i didn't...and that too is progress! later at a meeting, still shaky on the inside, i shared what had happened...tears came, and one of the ladies in my meeting said that my body was still physically reacting in the way that it had always reacted...even though my mind had sobered, and i was using the tools offered, and making better choices in the way that i was behaving...my emotions were still running wild as they had always been known to do! just knowing that, helped me. just having someone put that in perspective, helped me to understand what was happening to me. because i am sober--by the grace of God, i am making better choices where my behavior is concerned...it will just take time for my emotions get the hang of it! it made me aware...once again...that lack of power is my dilema...everything...even my sobriety...all the way down to my willingness...comes from God.

keeping real...just for today, star.