normal...

i know that i am not normal...nor have i ever been normal. for as long as i remember, i have never felt like i fit in anywhere...except maybe when i started singing on stage...that was the only place i felt...normal...whatever normal is! well, today, i had a normal day. i had had a great day yesterday with all my girls, but i really wanted to use...yes...there's that insanity rearing it's ugly little head...i did not use, but i was having these insane thoughts...then i began trying to analyse why i was having them...i got overly tired, and after we got home from all the goings on of the day, i went and laid down and just cried...my son had come by bearing gifts; he was on something, and i suddenly felt this sense of impending doom...well, i knew that it would all pass, but i was just angry with myself for feeling what i felt. i was in a lot of physical pain, i assumed from overdoing it, but then i am unsure sometimes whether or not the physical pain is caused by emotions being haywire...anyway, today, i woke up irritable; i turned it over to God, and low and behold, my day was filled with normal stuff, and i acted accordingly with no real problems...all the things i had feared were going to happen the night before did not happen...the doom was gone, and i mean, i had a house full of kids...still do...haha...but i have been managing fine, and now, another day is almost at a close, and i did not even think about using...it was just a normal day...soooooooooooo...gonna thank God for normal days now, since i have kinda had a first one that i can recall anyways...i have pretty much stayed in the day, nothing real exciting, but nothing tragic either...i am changing...it is easy to fall back on old thoughts and feelings...and behaviors...for that is all that i have known for a very long time. anyway, just thought i would try and keep it real...recovery is like life...it is going to have its bumbs! my point is...normal for me was using...period...whether good things were happening or not...whether i felt good or not...using was a way of life, and my life revolved around using. only because i am not using today...do i even have a choice. normal is not "top of the world"...but today it is ok...cause i know i wont have to crash and burn either...many blessings, star.