Sunday, August 9, 2009

choices...

Seems like it has been forever since I blogged here...and lately, this choice thing keeps coming up. When I was using, I didn't have any choice but to keep on using. Something to do with that mental obsession and phenomena of physical craving that always happened once the drug, whatever drug it happened to be at the time, entered my system.

Today, I have a choice to drink or not drink. At least that is how I understand it...but is even that choice, only by grace? I suppose I could get hit over the head or get stuck on stupid at anytime and go back to my old ways of thinking and behaving, but not today...lol...there are those that claim that the 'God' of their understanding keeps them sober, and still others that claim that 'not picking up' keeps them sober...who is right? Maybe there is truth in both.

Of course there are those that claim we don't have any choices and that we are just puppets of our own conditioning...whether that be the conditioning that led us into addiction in the first place, or the recovery conditioning that we use to stay sober...

If I say it is God that keeps me sober, then it seems to me that that relieves me of any responsibility for my own recovery, and we KNOW that is not accurate. If I were to go back out, believe you me the blame would be on me not God and not the devil...so, if I don't go back out, is that not saying something about the healthy choices I have learned to make? Bottom line might be grace...but I have to walk in that grace and make decisions and act on those decisions accordingly.

Another thing I question is that if it is only this power greater than my self that keeps me sober, then why was I chosen and not so many others that have not been chosen or that have already died? Is this power a respector of persons? I don't think I will ever have the answer to that. It is a mystery.

Regardless, I am sober to day and very grateful that I am...I do believe it is by grace, but not by some God that sits in judgment on some throne in someplace up in the sky called heaven. The God of my understanding is awareness...and that too is a choice...or is it? Am I a puppet to the God of Awareness? LOL...well, it's working for me, so if it aint broke, don't try to fix it!

And having said that, if any other way works, wonderful!

Starlightjustfortoday...



No comments: