Journey of Recovery...three years sober today!

If someone had told me three years ago when those iron doors slammed shut with me trapped on the other side how wonder-filled my life would be today...I never would have believed them, nor would I have been able to understand even a fraction of the joy of Being that I now am filled with on a regular basis...

I was irritable, restless, and discontent, and I used people, places, and things to make me ‘feel’ better, or usually just to obliterate any feelings what-so-ever.  I ran from every one and everything, unless of course you had what I needed, or was what I needed...If you were a drug or a drink or an avenue to get them, you were my lover and my best friend...if you were standing in the way of what I wanted, I had no use for you and you were history...just like that...

I was not one of those kinds of people that threw their hands up and surrendered, and became willing to do things differently.  I loved doing things my way...still do...LOL...I loved getting high.  I loved to drink.  I loved the feeling of elation that it gave.  I loved the fact that my back and neck injuries did not bother me as much when I was using, and I felt on top of the world.  I could do everything that I was ‘suppose’ to do when I was under the influence.  I could play with my children, make love to my man, make time for my extended families and friends, create my music and art, dance, sing, cook and clean, interact with others...alcohol and drugs enabled me to live and lead a ‘normal’ life...until they stopped working...I was super-woman...until I fell from the sky and life shattered me into a zillion pieces...

When those doors slammed shut, I think I knew the gig was up.  The first few days were awful, as you might imagine.  Not only was I withdrawing from a lot of drugs, most of them legal perscriptions, but reality was also beginning to sink in...my family had turned their backs on me...I had no one to turn to anymore.  No one was coming to rescue me.   I had burned all of my bridges and my magic carpet had been pulled out from beneath me...I finally had to get honest with me and look at myself...I had finally run out of places to run...there was nowhere to hide anymore, and nothing left to hide behind...I had lost everything, and I do mean EVERYTHING...and everyone had forsaken me...there was nothing left for me to do except...surrender...

This was the beginning of freedom...this was the beginning of joy...this was the beginning of happiness...I need not look or search any further for heaven or Utopia...I have it right here on earth...my journey is one that continues to amaze me...my experience deepens with beauty and awe and wonder as I continue to open myself to this ‘spiritual way of Being’...

I am filled with such gratitude today...I am surrounded by people who REALLY love me...all my relationships with family members have been healed, and I have new relationships that are blossoming into healthy and happy friendships...I am constantly amazed at how wonder-filled my life continues to be...even in the face of difficulty...I have what I was always looking for in other people, places, and things...in all my searching, I found Jesus’  Kingdom of Heaven within me and all around me...and I am truly blessed with the peace that passes all understanding...and even Buddha’s bliss...the steps along this journey of recovery have been a path to freedom for me that began with surrender, willingness and honesty...and I am filled with appreciation for all that went before me...sharing their experience, strength, and hope...so that I can now experience this wonder-filled life...I have been given a design for living...a second chance...my feet were put upon a path that really goes somewhere...and I am so jazzed about sobriety and all that has been given me because of it...I have recovered from a seemingly hopeless state of body, mind, and spirit...my life rocks!

much love and joy to all...always, star...