For Daniel...

dear one you are so very thin...

trying to crawl out of your skin...

in your eyes such pain i see...

tears are falling...misery...

i knew you when you were a boy...

drugs already made you their toy...

you say you’re ready to be free...

you want what you can see in me...

you’re overwhelmed and filled with fear...

stay close dear one...keep yourself near...

if you want to really live...

and have something that you can give...

otherwise you’re gonna die...

the next time might be your last high...

you have a wife; three precious kids...

you know this is no way to live...

the past is past...let that shit go...

there’s something better you can sow...

the seeds of change...the seeds of now...

there is a way...i’ll show you how...

sharing experience, strength, and hope...

helps us live...helps us cope...

life on life’s terms without a drink...

promise of happy, joyous, and free...

a psychic change is what you need...

a power greater than your ‘self’ indeed...

go ahead...drop to your knees...

and live and face reality...

you are responsible...gotta grow up...

you know i love you...dude whudup?

we’ve been around this block before...

you made a choice...you wanted more...

you say you’ve finally had enough...

i’m still here...so is my love...

i’m grateful that you made it back...

now get serious and stay on track...

you know what it is you have to do...

work the steps...and just don’t use...

a design for living...a path to free...

given for drunks like you and me...

if you want this way of life, surrender your ‘self’...

start with the 1st step and follow to 12...

you can recover...you really can change...

you can go from crazy to sane...

it’s really always up to you...

and what you’re willing now to do...

i love you Daniel...just like a son...

begin right now...journey begun...

StarLight Dancing...

choose the tao...

i cannot rescue you...you must learn how to spread your wings...
to fly free from your cage...just listen to your heart it sings...
your cage is just illusion...the sky is there for you to fly...
see through all confusion...there is no other better high...
the universe unfolds...you choose the path you're on...
you can choose another way...whether to or not to play...
all within this moment now...you can choose the tao...
there is a world beyond your world...this moment you can find...
peace and bliss within your being...leave suffering behind...
within your darkest moment...you can breath the awe you are...
open up your soul to light...and dance on every star...
the universe unfolds...you choose the path you're on...
you can choose another way...whether to or not to play...
all within this moment now...you can choose the tao...
melt into this moment...melt into just what you are...
in a house or in a field...the mountain top's not far...
freedom is within you...that's where happiness is found...
the truth of what you are...never caged or bound...
the universe unfolds...you choose the path you're on...
you can choose another way...whether to or not to play...
all within this moment now...you can choose the tao...
you only have this moment...feel just what you are within...
fly free in the open sky...each moment life begin...
untangle all attachments...your spirit it was meant to soar...
spread your wings and fly with me...your heart's an open door...
universe unfolds...you choose the path you're on...
you can choose another way...whether to or not to play...
all within this moment now...you can choose the tao...
StarLight Dancing...

fear...

after you have finished writing down your resentments, the reason for them and what they actually affect in you...you need to make a list of everything you fear...in detail...

when we get together on Friday we will spend most the day discussing and looking at all of this in depth...

re-read these links...

http://starlightjustfortoday.blogspot.com/2008/10/resentments.html

http://www.blogger.com/post-edit.g?blogID=6671617987993654035&postID=3649858609783035659

http://starlightjustfortoday.blogspot.com/2008/10/trapped-by-habitual-unhealthy-ideas.html

http://starlightjustfortoday.blogspot.com/2008/10/what-i-did-this-to-myself-huh.html


http://starlightjustfortoday.blogspot.com/2008/10/attachmentscause-of-suffering.html

be filled with your own inner joy...

starlightjustfortoday...

three columns...

how do we begin reconstructing our past in a workable form of the fourth step?

after identifying the objects of our resentments, distinguishing them into who's and whats and writing them down on paper...(first column), we then put why we are angry or resentful towards these who's and whats...detailing what exactly they did to us that we are angry or hurt or resentful about...(second column), and then we target what that actually affects in us...(third column). for the third column, the big book gives us several options to list...self-esteem, pocketbooks, our ambitions, our personal relationships (including sex) were hurt or threatened, and if you will notice in the example, the word fear is bracketed and used in every instance...

you have to do this with your resentment list...before we get together...there is no need for us to get together until you do this...actually putting it down on paper...this is the work you have to do...so, get to work on this...don't put it off...

remember i told you that the fourth step was done in sections...we need to get past this section before we can move on...

go to a meeting today...find a home group...remember, this is a program of action and more action...

stay out of your head and in recovery...stay out of the past and future...and in this moment...(except of course when you are actively writing down this step...lol).

starlightjustfortoday...

attachments...cause of suffering...

the tape we play over and over in our heads of past occurrences...and our attachment to them...continues to cause us to suffer...the main purpose of the fourth step, is to honestly look at these attachments, and see them for what they are...by doing this, we can let them go, and move on...learning to live in the ever present moment of NOW...

reliving the memory of our painful past, only increases our suffering...replaying these memories, replay the pain, and until we look at them realistically and logically, they will continue to hold pain...and we will continue to habitually feel the pain of our memories...trapped in the illusory cycle of attachments...until we are able to look at these resentments that continue to keep us sick...and see them for what they are...we will not be able to know freedom...

when we break free of our habitual past...then we can know the true joy of living in the ever presence of NOW...this does not mean that life will not continue to bring challenges...life is life...but in honestly looking at it, we learn to live life on life's terms...realistically...our attitude towards life becomes a healthy one...it does not mean that we will not know sadness...it means that we will learn how to experience sadness in a healthy way...and we will not store it in our psyche, or in our bodies...and continue to relive it over and over again...

it also enables us to enjoy the moment...to the fullest...as we know that this life is transitory...things can change in the blink of an eye...as humans, it is normal for us to feel sadness...but in recovery, we learn to feel it, and then let it go...we learn to not hold on to pain...we learn how to live life freely and joyfully...tragic things happen all around us...and sometimes tragic things happen to our loved ones, or to us...but in recovery we learn to look at these things realistically...and instead of going into a deep depression or going on a using binge, we learn to feel to heal and keep it real...we learn how to experience life on life's terms...and we learn to make healthy decisions that prevent suffering in the first place...and so, when something does happen in our lives that causes pain, we can deal with it logically and realistically...pain and suffering are not the same...we must always feel pain, so that it will not become a habitual pattern of suffering...

we learn to distinguish the true from the false...we learn to experience each moment of our lives as it is...and we don't get stuck in suffering...we learn how to move through it...and simultaneously still experience the joy of living...even in the midst of difficult times...

when life brings us something that we cannot control...we learn to turn it over...we face life on it's own terms and we continue to pray for the willingness to exert our efforts towards courage to change what we are able to change...and our living experience of the now reveals itself as wisdom...

remember, the only thing we are usually able to change is our own perceptions...our own thinking...and our own actions...we must own our feelings...and move through them...and sometimes all we can do, is not use...and know...that this too shall pass...pain is the touchstone of spiritual growth...you are on a journey...you are learning to live a new way...a way that works...

read the promises...

much love and joy...always, star...

starlightjustfortoday...

universe is unfolding without my help...

my responsibility is to pay attention...

if you hang around recovery long enough, you begin to hear people talk about how this or that happened in their life and brought up this or that from the past...iow...the universe unfolded and brought exactly what we needed to look at...and it will continue to do just that...

until we begin looking beneath the surface of life's preoccupations, and get in tune with the moment of now, it is almost like the same things continue to happen, and usually, we continue to react the same ways...we have to learn how to respond differently in our living situations before change can take place...we have to learn how to use our brains, think for ourselves, and actually question the things that continually are being brought to our attention...

this is why feelings are so important...we can try to deny our feelings, but it is not healthy, and the longer we stuff them, and continue not to look honestly at them, the sicker we become...it is dishonest not to own how we feel...and it is illogical not to investigate the why of it...for when we begin to honestly explore the why of how we feel and react, it is there that we are able to face ourselves; it is there that this rigorous self-honesty opens us up to so many life changing possibilities...

the fourth step helps us to begin this process...we look honestly at our resentments...we list the people, places, and things that we have resentments towards, then we give the below the surface reason for why we feel this way...

one of my big resentments was religion...i saw it as controlling and hypocritical...i blamed them for spoon-feeding me guilt...and teaching me a whole array of delusional beliefs that caused misery and grief in my life...and prevented me from being free...

when i look honestly at this, i can see that it affected my self-esteem...it made me feel trapped in a system of perfection that i could not live up to no matter how hard i tried...i felt that it was designed to control my very spirit...and i was angry...

when i look rationally at this...i see that there are many people that do not feel the way that i felt...many people seem to live healthy and happy lives within all of these religious systems...and many of them do not develop deep emotional problems, begin to drink and drug, and become irresponsible criminals, as i did...most of them have respectable jobs, they pay their bills, and they take care of their families, and they are responsible members of their communities and their societies...so, it became impossible for me to judge this system in the limited context of how it affected me...and although, i have come to know many who have had similar experiences, this does not seem to be the norm...

i also had to admit, that there were many good things that came out of my experience with religion...was i going to throw all that out with what did not work for me? i had to finally admit that maybe it was my warped perception of things...now that does not mean that i have to agree with everything these religions teach, b/c i don't...but what that means is that i have to take responsibility for my own feelings and my own beliefs...and of course my own actions...i can no more blame the church for my behavior then i can blame anyone else...

i also had to admit, that most of the people involved in this, did not mean me harm...their intentions were good, even if it missed the mark with me...they were trying to teach me to be a responsible member of society...but since i was of the type to go to extremes, i could never find a happy medium within the religious organizations...but today, i realize that just b/c i could not, that does not mean that they are all bad...

so, this had affected my self-esteem, and when i could not be perfect...i rebelled, and thought that they had hurt me, and made me feel the way i felt...i never felt like i really fit in...and so, i began using...and doing the very things that i at one time hated...

when i really look at the bigger picture of things, i am able to see that regardless of what anyone taught me to believe, i am an adult now, and it is up to me to question these things for myself, and investigate whether they are true or not, and make a decision based on this information...no one can force me to believe anything...it is my responsibility...and this is the gift of recovery...and even though i may disagree with what religious organizations teach...they have that right...just as i have the right not to agree with them...I LOVE FREEDOM OF SPEECH AND BELIEF IN AMERICA!!!!!!!

the fourth step has helped me really look beneath the surface of my feelings and beliefs...to question everything...honestly...and it always brings me back to self-responsibility...making healthy decisions based on the information that...the universe unfolds...if i just pay attention...

feel to heal...and keep it real...just don't get trapped in these feelings...own them, and move on...

stay out of your head and in the moment...this is where life is...this is where recovery is...

much love and joy...

starlightjustfortoday...

what? i did this to myself? huh?

like a little child that wanders out into the street not knowing the dangers there...that is how we start off...then it becomes a matter of us not paying attention to the dangers...or ignoring them...b/c out in the middle of the street is what we want...some shiny thing, or something that we think is going to make us happy...and so, we blind ourselves to any consequences, and become obsessed with getting the shiny thing...no matter what the dangers...we are invincible...or so we delusionally think...and over and over again we risk everything to get the shiny thing that we delusionally think will make everything alright...

trunuf...i had physical injuries that needed to be addressed...but looking back, i never took the advice of my doctors and physical therapist...oh i pretended to for a time...to get the shiny thing...which in my case, at that time, was the narcotics....give me, give me, give me, and give me some more...ONE WAS ALWAYS TO MANY; A THOUSAND WAS NEVER ENOUGH...and so, my injuries never healed...and then when i took the pills, well they made me feel normal, and i thought i could do anything, talk about a clean house...LOL...i was superwoman, or so i thought, and so, not only did i not do what was necessary to heal what injuries i had, i compounded the problem by adding stress to the injuries and in fact made them worse! i needed more shiny things...LOL

now this is a physical problem i am speaking of, that becomes also an emotional and mental problem...but you can take any problem and follow it to this end...

when i met jo online several years ago...i was convinced that he was my prince charming...he was going to save me from myself, and if i could just move away from here, go be with him, everything was going to be alright...he was my shiny thing...(pills and alcohol and yes, illegal drugs had stopped working)...i refused to see the warning signs, and looking back, there were many...but i ignored them...i was convinced that he was my soul-mate, my one true love...and i proceeded to go out into the middle of the FREEWAY and play in traffic...i was running away from myself...escaping my own reality any way that i could...and i had to eventually take responsibility for that and stop blaming the cars on the freeway...afterall, the cars are just doing what they are suppose to be doing right?

we can take the metaphor a little further...it doesn't mean i can never cross the street...it just means that i must learn how to cross the street...where to cross the street...to look both ways before crossing...etc...I HAD TO LEARN HOW TO MAKE HEALTHY DECISIONS...IN ALL ASPECTS OF MY LIFE...(i am still learning)...

WHEN WE KNOW BETTER...WE CAN DO BETTER...ALL IT TAKES IS THE WILLINGNESS TO BE HONEST AND THE COURAGE TO DO SOMETHING DIFFERENT...

of course, the first one was to stop using...then to get honest with myself, and clean house...taking all my garbage out and disposing of it properly...and looking at what could and could not be recycled...that is basically what we are doing with this fourth step...taking inventory of ourselves...but when we begin to really see how everything we have done has led us to here...then we begin to actually be able to make healthy choices intuitively...by doing what is in front of us to do...with my higher power within, which i choose to call awareness, and my self-will out of the way, i do what the universe unfolds and puts in front of me to do...right now, it is lots and lots of stretching...LOL...i have ignored my physical health for so long, that now it is requiring a lot of attention...but that is ok...it is what it is...and i am already reaping benefits...i am breathing much better...and that is way cool! and my body is moving better, and it feels good...even breathing and moving through the pain feels good...cause i am moving and breathing THROUGH it...

anyways, the program of recovery is not about blame...blaming others or blaming ourselves...it is about taking responsibility and moving forward...whether or not i caused everything to go wrong in my life or not is not the point...whether or not there were cars out there that hit me on purpose or not is not the point...to use the metaphor again...the point is that today, i know better than to go and play in traffic...now that does not mean that a car might now jump the curb and hit me...LIFE HAPPENS...WE CANNOT CONTROL THAT...but when life does happen, if we are thinking realistically and logically, we have a great chance of making healthy decisions that do affect the outcome...for the better...

what am i saying? IF I AM NOT THE PROBLEM, THERE IS NO SOLUTION...

all these resentments you have written down and are looking at...are to bring you to the point of where you can look at them and honestly see that no matter what any one else seemingly did or did not do to you...to move forward...you must take responsibility for your feelings, your thoughts, your beliefs, and your actions...you must continue to look honestly at them...accept what you cannot change...and be willing to have the courage to change what you can...sometimes, it is just acquiring a new pair of glasses...iow...changing our thinking, letting go of our old ideas, opening up to new perspectives...lol...but it also always, always, requires action and more action...and sometimes that action is...EASY DOES IT!

look at your part in these resentments...how was it that you actually allowed things to happen that happened? ask yourself why you allowed it...look at why you were in that particular situation in the first place...MOST OF THE TIME, WE WALK RIGHT INTO OUR LIVES...AND WE CAN WALK RIGHT OUT...AND CHOOSE TO WALK ANOTHER WAY...but sometimes we are just there...and life happens...AND WE MUST WALK THROUGH LIFE AS IT HAPPENS...SOMETIMES WE HAVE TO FACE TROUBLES HEAD ON...BUT MOST TIMES...WHEN TROUBLE COMES ALONG...WE GET THE HELL OUT OF THE WAY AND LET IT PASS! LOL

every choice we make brings consequences...including the choices we don't make...the friends we chose, choosing to go eat dinner with our mom, what we chose to eat might make us sick that day, being around our mom might make us nutty lol...we have to begin paying attention to the universe as it unfolds...especially our bodies...b/c, we have neglected them for so long, they need our attention...and there is much that is available for us today...many times it just means...PHYSICIAN...HEAL THYSELF...to do that, we go within and tap into that power that is greater than our own self-will-run-riot...and do what is in front of us to do...i gotta go do some more stretches and breathing right now...lol...be filled with your own inner joy...always, star...

starlightjustfortoday....