made a decision...

i can remember early on in my sobriety having to make this decision over and over again...sometimes several times in one day...sometimes seemingly all day long...

it takes time for the head to clear from the abuse of drugs and alcohol, and so the repetitive nature of hitting our knees every morning and going through this ritual becomes necessary to reprogram our old ways of thinking, into open opportunities of the moment...moments of change...for the better...

it also takes time for old behavioral patterns to change...and so, out of necessity, for survival, and that ever-pending first drink or drug...we do these things to change our very habits...

until our head is clear enough, we cannot think about doing the necessary work ahead...and so, we turn over what we cannot do...

what does it really mean to make this decision? for me, it meant that i did not want to continue to live the way i had been living...also, those 9th step promises were ingrained in my consciousness...i wanted to be happy, joyous, and free...and that meant, learning how to live in the present...which is really difficult at first, because we are so use to living in our heads, and in all the drama we create...

when we talk about our will, we are actually talking about what we want...we want what we want and we want it right now! most of my life i did exactly that, no matter who it hurt...and it mostly hurt me...and when i could not get what i wanted...i drank and drugged to escape that fact...what is so ironic, is that i still do what i want...it is just that my wants have changed...lol

when my will is aligned in harmony with the spirit of the universe, everything runs smoothly...i can still get in trouble when i decide to take my egoic will back and run with it...it becomes a power struggle that i cannot win...no matter how hard i try, i cannot control the world around me to suit my selfish desires...when i relinquish that control, and decide to 'go with the flow', 'live and let live', 'cease fighting everything'...that is where peace happens...if i get knocked out of that peace, it is because what i want has taken back over...this does not mean that we do not take responsibility for ourselves, and allow other's to do the same...but most of us have to learn how to do this...i did not know the first thing about being responsible for me...i allowed other's to manipulate me, and i in turn manipulated other's...and so, this is a process...one that reveals itself through living experiences...living life on life's terms...we learn how to be responsible for our own selves, and we learn how to allow other's to do the same...

so my will is my ego...which has been out of control...this is not to say that there are not healthy aspects of ego...there are...but mostly what we have dealt with is self-will-run-riot...an exaggerated version of a spoiled rotten child, out of control, throwing temper tantrums in public...and we cannot expect this child to all of a sudden grow up and act right...it took years for us to get in this shape, and it will not be easy to unlearn these old ways of thinking, and the unhealthy habits we have grown accustomed to...it is also pretty painful...however; it is doable, as long as we remain honest with ourselves...and the rewards are wonder-filled...

so, moment by moment, we do what we can to change our old patterns of behavior and old ways of thinking...that very self-will-run-riot...and turn what we absolutely cannot handle...over to the god of our understanding...you know what you can handle and what you cannot...willingness and honesty is all it takes...

tomorrow i will focus on what it means to turn our life over...because our will is different from our life...and that is why both are in this step...lol


stay in the moment...out of your head...out of yesterday...out of tomorrow...and in recovery...

starlightjustfortoday...

REFLECTION...

i have been in deep reflection over the past few days...dealing with some areas in my life where i am powerless...and trying to figure out just what i am turning over and to whom i am turning it over to...LOL...
it mostly involves interaction with others, and relationships...but when it causes me any discomfort...i have to look within for my answers today...it has also had to do with some physical issues...and i am being honest with my options...and what i can and cannot actually do about it...
some of the things that i may want to turn over...the spirit of the Universe does not want!
i am reminded that what i can do for myself...i must find the courage within to do...and that which i absolutely cannot do...that is what i must turn over...
sometimes it is difficult to intuit these things...and that is where the living experience of the moment reveals it's wisdom...wisdom is birthed by doing what is in front of you to do, as honestly as you can...then later, reflecting on it, by looking within your own awareness...with rigorous honesty...
when i continue to be honest with myself...i continue to break through conditioned awareness and disruptive behavioral patterns that no longer serve me...
if i continue to look at conflict as an opportunity for growth within my own awareness...eventually i will remain at peace, even in the midst of conflict...
one important thing to remember however, is that with each conflict, there seems to be necessary, a time of quiet reflection for consciousness to absorb what has just taken place.
to integrate the wisdom of the living experience...into the clarity of awareness...
while it may seem like you are adding something to your awareness...i tend to think of it as subtracting conditioning...
recovery is a continual process of uncovering, discovering, and discarding...that which has gotten in the way of progress of our emotional and mental development...as responsible adults.
don't forget that there are innate things in consciousness that are necessary for our healthy development...in other words...not everything about us is to be discarded...just our old ideas that do not work...our abilities that serve us well should be recognized...there is healthy anger and unhealthy anger...healthy love and unhealthy love...for example...
our job now is to look at how we react to each situation honestly, and determine what is healthy and what is not, realistically...and discard that which is not healthy for that which is...
the god of any ones understanding, whatever that is...does not want our anger...does not want our depression...those are the things that we will continue to have to look at and work out in our moment to moment life experiencing...especially our fears, because that is at the root of most of all our living problems...it is at the root of our unhealthy anger and depression...and all of our reactions...it has protected us until we become ready to look at the reasons for it...
it is called growing up and living life on life's terms...accepting what we cannot change,and being willing to change what we can...
remember...your assignment this week is to analyze the third step...
made a decision...(what does that mean?)
to turn our will...(what is the will? how do we turn that over?)
and our life...(what is our life? how do we turn that over?)
over to the care of god as we understood god...(how do we understand god in relation to the rest of the step? what can we turn over? what can we not turn over? how do we turn that which we can turn over? how do we deal with the rest?)
my dear sweet one...i am so proud of you...friday was awesome...you are helping me understand myself at a whole other level...and working and taking...incorporating these steps into our very lives...with you... is opening us both up to new levels of awareness...thank you so much for being a part of my life and my recovery...
starlightjustfortoday...

whuzzzzzzzzzzup?

it is 5am...can't sleep...but it's ok...i know that you will be knocking at my door soon...and i am looking forward to spending the day with you...just left Cafe Co Co's for the second time...LOL..a good friend of mine and i went for a early am coffee and bite to eat...and i had been there hours earlier singing and eating with several other recovery friends...lol...i love my life!

i woke up thursday morning in a lot of pain...you know my history...and with the weather getting colder, i was really feeling it...i have not been doing the things that i need to do to physically prevent a lot of the pain...and so, this was a reminder of that...but the great thing about it all...was i was ok with being in pain...ok with crying some about it...ok with being powerless over it...and ok with being pissed off about some things that i was pissed off about...and am still to a great degree...which, HaHa...you may just have to listen to me feel to heal and keep it real today...LOL

you know what else was great? i was not in that insanity...a couple of times i could of been...but i was honest with HOW I WAS FEELING...AND I ALLOWED MYSELF JUST TO BE IN PAIN...AND TO BE PISSED OFF...AND I VOICED IT...AND IT IS OK TODAY, THAT I AM NOT PERFECT...IT IS OK TO BE PISSED OFF TODAY...AS LONG AS I AM HONEST WITH ME...

what is not ok...is to be pissed off and stuff it, or pretend i am not pissed off...or to blame it on someone else...see, today, i know that if i am disturbed it is b/c i am not satisfied with some person, place, or thing...the way it is...now that does not mean that i am not going to still be pissed off...it just means that today, i know why...

insanity would be for me to try and change what i cannot change...or try and control what i cannot control...or try and fix what i cannot fix...i am powerless over people, places, and things...and it's wonderful to KNOW that...

and since i also KNOW that there is a power greater than my ego...and that this power is within me...then i can just turn whatever it is...over...now that does not mean that what i feel will go away automatically...like the physical pain, or the being pissed off, it just means that i accept that i am in pain and i am pissed off...and that i am powerless over being powerless...

when i become willing...willing...willing...to feel to heal...and keep it real...staying honest with me...and believing in that power within...then...and only then...am i restored to sanity...

Came to believe that a power greater than myself could restore me to sanity...

today i believe that when i get out of my own way...that power within is tapped into...and no matter what is going on with me...as long as i am honest with what i think and feel...i will be ok...

much love to you dear one...see you in a few hours...

starlightjustfortoday...

spirit of the universe...

spirit of the universe...
reality within...
there is no place to pinpoint...
where god begins or ends...
our very life, our very breath...
is spiritual divine...
god is energy in motion...
the all of space and time...
i watched the magical sunset...
such brilliant light i saw...
today as i sat under a tree...
and felt the breeze in awe...
spirit of the universe...
and all that you reveal...
i bow to this great power...
that makes up all that's real...
everything reflected...
from the smallest blade of grass...
is filled with this god energy...
and made from consciousness...
from the time before the big bang...
when all of this began...
till time eternal and beyond...
evolving journey of man...
this higher power that you seek...
has always been in you...
tap into this awareness...
recreate your life...anew...
StarLight Dancing...

starlightjustfortoday...

staying sober one more day...

hope you are having a wonder-filled morning...instead of entering anything new, i am going to post some links of some of my older blogs for you to read...have fun! most of them are real short...no worries...stay in the moment...

Beauty and Beyond...

little things...

reality...

there is a solution...

a higher power...

where is god?

remember when you read this next one...that today my son has over 7 months clean...and is really doing wonderfully...

my son and his friends...

insanity...self-made?

i don't really know if i was always crazy...i tend to think that i did not learn healthy ways of living life on life's terms when i was growing up...and b/c i was as a young child introduced to paragoric, i did not develope psychologically along normal pathways...

as we know, emotional growth is stopped when drugs are introduced...and so, i was at a disadvantage b/c of the early often use of paragoric...then i had a tramatic accident when i was a young teen, where both jaw discs were ruptured...and i was introduced to many other drugs...

wasn't long after that...i found alcohol...and illegal drugs...

i am not really sure if i can blame it entirely on the physical pain...as i tend to believe that i already had the genetic disposition, and biological presets to become addicted to chemical substances...but, we will never know the answer to that one i suppose, and it does not really matter...

i spent most my life in and out of the insanity of using drugs and alcohol...but i don't think i would have survived without them...

THEY WERE MY SOLUTION TO MY INABILITY TO LIVE LIFE ON IT'S OWN TERMS...

NOW, I HAVE ANOTHER SOLUTION...

THIS PROGRAM OF RECOVERY...

12 STEPS INTO FREEDOM...AND A LIFE THAT IS WONDER-FILLED...

for years i had no clue that my behavior was insane...i mean looking back now it is obvious...i can see it cearly now...but while i was in the middle of the insanity...i was trapped...

becoming willing to honestly look within...was the beginning of a new life that i would not trade today for any drug or drink on earth...in fact...i have found what i was always looking for in the drink and drug...peace...serenity...joy...

today i no longer have that insanity in my life...my life is filled with peace and joy...yours will be too if you continue on this journey...you will know a new freedom and a new happiness...you will not regret the past or wish to slam the door on it...

admitting that my behavior while using was insanity...help to free me from it...

coming to believe was not hard to do either...once i became willing...and realized that i had no other choice if i was going to have a chance at life...i had to believe in a power greater than myself...and as i was able to tap into that power...i intuitively knew how to handle situations that use to baffle me...still...

continue reading what you have been reading, and add A Vision For You...

you need to be journaling...about your insanity or coming to believe, or both...

have you written down your conception of god yet? you need to do that too...

STAY OUT OF DRAMA...STAY OUT OF YOUR HEAD...STAY IN THE MOMENT...

STAY IN RECOVERY...IN THE SOLUTION...

STAY FOCUSED ON YOU...REMEMBER...YOU HAVE A CHOICE TODAY...

YOU ARE RESPONSIBLE FOR YOUR BELIEFS, FEELINGS, AND ACTIONS...

FEEL TO HEAL...KEEP IT REAL...

i love you...call me...

read this link

starlightjustfortoday...

came to believe...

i began this process somewhere in the early 90's...i often say that i found god in an AA meeting...but what i actually found was my own understanding of god...at that time, that began working at some level for me...

since that time, my understanding of god has been all over the place...but one thing i am certain of, god is not religious...people are...and my higher power today is no where near my idea of god when i first came into this program of recovery...

the god i grew up with was a god of guilt and control...one that gave you free will, then punished you for using it...all my old ideas concerning god have drastically change...and for good reason...the god i use to have was never able to keep me sober...but what has also changed, is the fact that today, i take full responsibility for my beliefs, my feelings, my actions and behavior...

once we actually begin taking these steps into ourselves...and honestly looking at ourselves...a power opens up within us that we can then tap into...this is the power that the Big Book speaks of...when i get out of my own way...then whatever it is that is...is able to work through my very being...and i get better...and my life gets better...

coming to believe is a process that we will continue to look at this week...

we will also be looking at the real facts about our own insanity...

one thing i want you to begin thinking about...when you became willing this time to do things differently, you were in fact tapping into that power...you might be unaware of it...but willingness is a necessary ingredient that comes from within your own awareness...

if things seem different this time around from the last time...this is why...

i am very proud of your willingness to honestly look within yourself...it takes great courage to do this...

much love and joy...

remember, you gotta tap on the links below to link up! LOL...

for your reading pleasure...

this link too...

starlightjustfortoday...