i wrote "scared" night before last, but did not decide to post it until today, and since it was a draft...it posted on the day it was drafted...anyways, this is where i am today...relationships have always been unhealthy for me...and part of me is very reluctant to embark on this journey...i mean, i let others get just so close...then i start detaching...i reflected on the whys of this last evening, and realize that i have lots of trust issues...(no newsflash i know!) i have never felt like a normal person...never had close relationships as a child...then as a teenager...i only got close to others because we were drugging and drinking together...so they were also superficial...masked by chemicals...i learned to hold people at a distance...especially once i began singing on stage at the age of 10...looking back, i am realizing just how much of a loner i was...still today, i feel i am very different...even from other addicts...in recovery...i look at the world around me, and see others interacting with others, and am in awe of them...there are very few that i am able to "let my hair down" with...and most of them i have never actually met in person...i am learning...to trust others...and myself...am realizing that the one is just a reflection of the other...(this is proving true in every aspect of my being)...maybe one day God will shine his sun upon my heart...(or i will allow God's already shining sun in) and the freeze will melt...and i will allow myself to truly love...i remember someone sharing with me once that "true love...does not hurt." i am beginning to understand what that means...seems like, things have to be taken to the extreme in my life, for them to finally balance out. go figure...
starlightjustfortoday...
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